11 Ways to Trigger the Hero Instinct

Co-authored by Laura Richer and Sophia Latorre

Last Updated: March 10, 2023 References

Have you heard of the “hero instinct” and are wondering what it is and how to trigger it? We’ve got the scoop in this ultimate guide. Whether the guy you’re seeing has started distancing himself, doesn’t seem invested, or is hesitant to commit, you can use these easy relationship tips to turn things around. If you want to trigger your man’s hero instinct, become irresistible to him, and forge a successful, long-lasting relationship, read on!

Things You Should Know

The hero instinct is a term coined by James Bauer. Bauer claims that men have a biological need to feel appreciated and needed by their partner.
Trigger the instinct by asking your man for help, letting him protect you, and expressing love, appreciation, and enthusiasm for him.
Activating his hero instinct will help your man feel fulfilled and like he has an active role to play in his relationship with you.

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What is the hero instinct?

The hero instinct is a man’s desire to protect his loved ones and feel needed. Relationship specialist James Bauer coined the term in his book His Secret Obsession. Bauer claims that all men have a biological drive to earn your love in order to feel in love with you. Men want to feel that you appreciate and need them. If you make sure that he feels that from you, it’ll boost his confidence, increase his connection with you, and ultimately, make him more excited to commit to your relationship.^{[1]
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- Get a copy of Bauer’s book or take his relationship course at https://hissecretobsession.com/.

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How to Trigger His Hero Instinct

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Ask him for help. Whether it’s something big or small, men love the opportunity to come to your rescue! Recruit him to help you open a jar, study for an exam, or practice your elevator pitch. Ask him for his advice when you have a dilemma.^{[2]
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- Most men understand that you’re totally confident and capable of handling things yourself. So, asking them for help shows that you truly value their effort and input.
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Tell him what you need. Your partner can’t read your mind, so you’ve got to be clear and direct. Let him know what he can do for you—doing it will actually provide pleasure for him!^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} Talk about what kind of things make you feel happy and fulfilled in a relationship, from chore division to intimacy.
- "I love when we take the time to sit and talk about how our days went."
- "I really value affection, cuddling, and being close."
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Let him protect you. Men are biologically hardwired to protect the people they care about. Doing things to make sure you're safe and protected actually makes him feel good! So the next time he sticks up for you when someone says something unkind or goes out of his way to make sure you're taken care of, revel in his protection.^{[4]
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- If he calls you an Uber after a date then texts to make sure you made it home okay, that's his way of protecting you.
- Let him change the oil in your car or take it to the shop for an inspection so he can feel confident that it's road-worthy.
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Tell him how happy he makes you. Guys want to know that they make their partner feel happy and fulfilled. According to Bauer, they have a biological need to please their partner. When he buys you flowers, makes you dinner, or does something sweet, take the opportunity to tell him how much he means to you. Look him in the eyes, hold his hand, and say:^{[5]
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- “You make me so happy.”
- “This is the best relationship I’ve been in.”
- “I look forward to seeing you every day.”
- “You're such a thoughtful partner.”
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Give him compliments and praise. Whenever you think something nice about him, say it out loud. Are you digging his new haircut? Do you love that he can carry all the groceries into the house in one trip? Tell him! Taking the time to compliment him will make him feel good about himself as well as his relationship with you.^{[6]
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- Leave him little notes or send texts that let him know what you love about him.
- "Dinner last night was delicious! You are such a great cook."
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Show your appreciation for him. There are many ways you can express gratitude to your partner in your daily life. Offer him help with a difficult or tedious task. Give him a thoughtful gift, whether that’s an object or an experience. Make him feel truly heard and understood when he talks to you. Showing your appreciation helps him feel valued in the relationship.^{[7]
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- Show gratitude for all the things he does for you, too, from opening the door to getting you your favorite coffee. Express how much he means to you and recognize all of the effort he puts into the relationship.
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Encourage him. Show your support for your partner by always being in his corner. Help him reach his goals by telling him you believe in him and encouraging him to focus on the positive aspects rather than getting derailed by obstacles. Offer your help and advice, and be there if and when he wants your input. Be there for him and he'll want to be there for you, too.^{[8]
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- "You've worked so hard for this promotion! They'd be crazy not to make you the next regional director!"
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Give him your undivided attention. Whether your man wants to chit-chat or needs to vent, take the time to truly listen. Put aside your phone, other distractions, and your own agenda. Be present in the moment, make eye contact, and pay attention to his body language as well as what he’s saying. Feeling heard, understood, and validated by you will make him all the more attracted to you.^{[9]
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Show him respect. Even if you disagree with his opinions or choices, don’t put them down. Be considerate of his feelings, time, privacy, and boundaries. If he feels like he can be himself without being judged and that you’ll give him space when he needs it, he’ll be more likely to commit to the relationship.^{[10]
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Appeal to his love language. Show your partner love in the way that is most meaningful to him. He might appreciate getting gifts, spending quality time together, physical touch, words of affirmation, or acts of service.^{[11]
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Research source} When he feels loved, he'll be more confident in himself and in your relationship.
- Gifts: surprise him with his favorite beverage or dessert or pick up something related to one of his hobbies, like a new set of golf balls or paint brushes.
- Quality time: block out a night to connect together with a sunset picnic, hike, or couples massage.
- Physical touch: hold hands, cuddle, kiss, and caress each other.
- Words of affirmation: tell him how important he is to you using specific examples, such as “I love how kind you are.”
- Acts of service: take care of something on his to-do list, whether it’s mowing the lawn or picking up the dry cleaning.
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Be enthusiastic. Showing interest in your man, whether he’s talking about his work day or showing you something related to his hobbies, helps him feel desired. It’s especially important to show enthusiasm in the bedroom. Men appreciate a partner who’s excited about and into sex.^{[12]
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- Be the one to initiate intimacy sometimes so he knows that you want him.

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How does triggering the hero instinct work?

By appealing to a man’s needs, you help him feel fulfilled. Activating your man’s hero instinct makes him feel needed and gives him a clear role to play in your relationship. If he feels irreplaceable to you, he’s more likely to commit to the relationship. Plus, if he knows you are happy and fulfilled, he’s more likely to be happy and fulfilled as well.^{[13]
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