How to Know if My Girlfriend Is Cheating Long Distance

Co-authored by John Keegan and Eric McClure

Last Updated: March 12, 2022 References

If you’ve got a sneaking suspicion that your girlfriend is cheating on you, you may be wondering what signs you should look out for. It's understandable if you're worried, but take a deep breath—we're going to help you figure this out. Keep in mind, it’s possible that your girlfriend is not being dishonest, so try not to make assumptions before you’ve got the full picture. In this article, we’ll walk you through everything you’ll need to get to the bottom of this once and for all.

1

Does she leave you on read and avoid your calls?

The pressure to lie can may make her prone to avoiding you. If she’s unresponsive when it comes to communicating, it could be a sign that she’s too embarrassed to talk to you. If she used to reply to texts right away and she always the answered the phone but now she’s unresponsive, it could be a sign that something is up.^{[1]
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- If she was never particularly good at responding to texts and she wasn’t attached to her phone before, don’t read too much into this.
- Frequent “tech problems” could be a bad sign here. If she always took good care of her phone but all of a sudden the battery dies or she isn’t getting signal, she may be lying about it.

2

Is she super busy all of a sudden?

A drastic change in her availability can signal she’s being dishonest. It’s one thing if her schedule changes a bit and her free time has shifted around, but if she doesn’t seem to have any time for you, it’s a bad sign. Very few people are genuinely busy 24/7, and she should have enough room in her schedule to talk to you periodically.^{[2]
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- This may not be a sign of infidelity if she just started a new job or it’s her first semester at college. If she genuinely has something taking all of her time, she may just be super busy for now.

3

Does her schedule make sense?

Most people don’t radically change their routine out of nowhere. Did your non-artsy girlfriend just pick up an art class that meets three times a week from 6 pm to 9 pm? Does your good-at-math girlfriend suddenly require algebra tutoring every Saturday night? These kind of strange changes to her availability might signal she’s making time for someone else.^{[3]
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- If she’s upfront about needing time to herself to make new friends, explore new hobbies, or focus on her goal, presume she’s telling the truth. Your ears should only perk up if the schedule change is sudden and nonsensical.

4

Has the quality of your convos changed recently?

The quality and emotional weight of your convos shouldn’t change. Being long-distance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be clicking and connecting. If the two of you used to have really good late-night chats about your dreams, hobbies, and passions but things have suddenly turned stale, it might mean that she’s emotionally withdrawn—which could indicate infidelity.^{[4]
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- This may not be a sign of cheating; she might be depressed to be away from you, or struggling to adjust to a new environment. If she seems distant right after she has moved away, it probably isn’t cheating.

5

Does she always travel to you?

If she’s hesitant to have you visit, it’s a big sign something is up. If you express interest in coming to visit her but she always finds a reason to come to you, it’s a red flag. The two of you should be taking turns visiting one another, and if she seems really evasive and touchy about you coming to see her, something is likely wrong and she may be cheating.^{[5]
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- There is a fringe chance that she’s embarrassed by where she lives or she always wants to come home because you live in the same place as her friends and family, but she should generally want you to come see her sometimes.

6

Are her stories a little ridiculous?

If she recounts events and they don’t add up, she may be lying. When you ask her about her day or what she was up to last weekend, her stories should make sense. If the events are all out of order, she’s going into a weird amount of detail, or everything just sounds “off,” she might by lying. Cheaters will tell elaborate stories to cover up how they’ve been spending their time, so watch out.^{[6]
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- Try asking her to retell a story she told you about a week ago. If she can’t remember any of the details or she changes things about the story, she probably made it up.

7

Do her friends have names and backstories?

The friends she makes should have names and normal backstories. If she’s always hanging out “with friends,” it could be a signal that she’s being dishonest about who she’s spending her time with. She should have no problem telling you about Sarah from anthropology class, or James, the manager at the bowling alley nearby. But if everyone is just some vague acquaintance, it might be a sign she’s not being honest.^{[7]
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- If she’s openly cheating on you, her friends and acquaintances may not even know about you. This is what would cause her to be evasive and lie about who she hangs out with.
- If she has trouble making friends and she just moved, don’t read too much into this. She may not know a whole lot of people yet.

8

Does she seem twitchy or generally on edge?

If she’s always tense and nervous, it might mean she feels guilty. When people cheat, they tend to be paranoid about being caught. This fear can take a serious toll on someone. If your girlfriend sounds scared, suspicious, paranoid, or hyperalert, it might mean she’s being unfaithful. If it just happens once or twice, she may have had a rough day. But if she’s constantly on edge, it indicates something.^{[8]
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- If your girlfriend has a lot on her plate from school or work, it might explain this. However, she should probably be relieved to talk to you if that’s the case.

9

Has she changed the way she looks?

Sudden changes in appearance can be a sign of a new relationship. If she has gone from sweatpants and T-shirts to cute outfits and new hair, she may be trying to impress someone. You’re probably unable to see what she looks like every day in a long-distance relationship, so pay attention to what she posts online.^{[9]
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- If she always dresses up and posts cute selfies, don’t read anything into this now. A lot of people just like to look their best when they’re flexing on Instagram.

10

Has her social media usage changed?

She may curb how often she posts, or stop mentioning you. Her online behavior shouldn’t change all that radically just because she lives somewhere else. If she stops shouting you out or tagging you in her Facebook updates, or she suddenly disappears from Instagram, this may be her way of avoiding you. It’s not a clear sign that she’s cheating, but it definitely means something is going on.^{[10]
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- Don’t worry if she disappears from social media for a few days if she has just moved. She may just be getting settled in.

11

Is she complaining about your relationship?

Hostility towards your relationship is a sign she’s trying to get out. If she used to talk about how happy and lucky she was to be with you and now it feels like she’s always complaining about your relationship, it means her feelings have changed. This may not automatically mean she’s cheating, but it’s certainly a sign that she’s going through something right now.^{[11]
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- A long-distance relationship lacks the physical component. You cannot touch or hold hands.
- Or spend quality time together, like going for coffee or a walk together.
- So the relationship may become boring, and your partner may try to find someone else to fulfill those needs.
- If her complaints are well-founded, see if you two can work together to solve them. She may just need more attention, or more regular visits from you.
- It might be more likely that she’s cheating if she specifically critiques you as a partner on unfair grounds. If she says you never listen to her but you’ve been an exceptionally receptive partner, it’s a worrying sing.

12

Are your old relationship woes gone?

If your previous issues suddenly resolve, it might mean she’s giving up. If she had a problem with how you never asked about her day but it’s suddenly not an issue, it might mean she’s getting her needs met elsewhere. Your old problems shouldn’t magically go away just because the two of you aren’t living in the same place, and you two should still get into arguments every now and then the same way you always did.^{[12]
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- If you two would fight roughly once every two months before you were long-distance, that should still be the case. Regular conflict is healthy and totally normal for a relationship.
- If the two of you don’t fight all that much, don’t worry if that hasn’t changed.

13

Does she accuse you of cheating?

Cheaters will project the way they feel to put you on defense. If she accuses you of being unfaithful and she doesn’t seem to have any meaningful evidence, it could be a sign that she’s the one cheating. Cheaters do this instinctively to feel about what they’re doing, and putting someone on their back toes by forcing them to defend themselves is a way of preventing you from going on the offensive.^{[13]
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- If she has always been a particularly jealous or nervous partner, this may just be her way of genuinely trying to make sure you aren’t being unfaithful. Take her personality into account on this one.

14

Have you talked to her about your fears?

Be direct and tell her about your concerns in a calm manner. If you have good evidence she’s cheating, confront her. If you don’t have any reasonable proof, at least tell her you’re worried about her infidelity so that the two of you can work through this. It’s possible that there are other explanations for the changes in her behavior, and hearing her side of things may put you at ease.^{[14]
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- To confront her, you might say, “Look, I see you’ve been hanging out with this guy online and you’ve been really distant the past two months. Are you seeing someone else?”
- For a softer approach, you could ask, “Hey, I’ve noticed you seem kind of different lately, and I’m a little weirded out that you don’t want me to visit. Is something going on?”
- If you want a non-confrontational option, try, “I’m sure it’s all in my head, but I’ve been really worried lately that you’re cheating on me. It’s probably just the distance and the fact that I miss you, but can we talk about it?”

Expert Q&A

Question

Why do some long-distance relationships become boring?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

A long-distance relationship lacks the physical component. You cannot touch or hold hands. Or spend quality time together, like going for coffee or a walk together. So the relationship may become boring, and your partner may look for other people to fulfill those needs.
Question

What should you tell your new partner if you cheated on someone?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

You do not need to bring up every little detail about your last relationship other than what you learned. For example, you can tell your new partner that now you understand that if you are not happy in a relationship, you need to communicate more with the other person. If you cannot solve things together, you should not break up with them.

Warnings

Your girlfriend could exhibit every single one of these signs and still not be cheating. Be careful about throwing out accusations before you’re sure that she’s cheating.^{[15]
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