How to Get Over Being Cheated On

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: October 15, 2021 References

Being cheated on by your partner is one of the worst feelings in the world. It usually brings up a flood of painful emotions like anger, sadness, and self-doubt. This isn't where your story ends, though. It might take some time, but you can heal from this. Focus on processing your feelings and taking care of yourself. Once you've done that, you can decide whether you want to end things for good or give the relationship another shot.

1

Get some space.

Take a step back to give yourself a chance to cope. It's hard to work through your emotions in a healthy way if you're face-to-face with your partner every time you turn around, so tell your partner you can't pretend like everything is fine. If it's possible, arrange for one of you to stay somewhere else for at least a few days while you figure out what you're going to do. If that's not an option, ask them to give you as much space as possible while you process what happened.^{[1]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- For instance, if your partner doesn't have anywhere else to stay, you might ask them to sleep on the sofa or in a spare bedroom until you decide what you're going to do next.
- It's usually best to wait a few days before you try to talk about what happened. That way, you can really sort through your thoughts and feelings, which may make it easier to stay calm during tough talks about the affair.

2

Let yourself feel your feelings.

Be prepared for a lot of intense emotions. There's no one right way to feel after you find out you've been cheated on. You might feel angry and frustrated one minute, then sad, overwhelmed, or even guilty the next. This is totally normal. Don't try to put on a brave face—acknowledge your feelings and really sit with them so you can understand what's coming up and why.^{[2]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- If you're feeling sad, go ahead and cry it out. If you don't feel like crying, at least take a moment to tell yourself something like, "I'm feeling really hurt and betrayed because of what happened, and there's nothing wrong with me for feeling that way."
- If you're angry, look for healthy ways to express yourself, like writing a letter to your partner (you don't have to give it to them). You might also release the feeling physically, like going for a run or going somewhere private so you can let out a big angry yell.^{[3]
  X
  Research source}
- If you start feeling anxious and overwhelmed, take several slow, deep breaths and focus on your physical senses to bring you back into the present moment.^{[4]
  X
  Research source}

3

Don't blame yourself.

This definitely isn't your fault. When you get cheated on, it's hard not to think about what you might have done to make your partner turn to someone else. The thing is, no matter what goes wrong in a relationship, your partner is the one who made that decision, and they're the only one to blame.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Even if they were unhappy about something, they could have handled it differently.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Your partner might even try to deflect some of the blame by saying something like, "I wasn't getting enough attention from you," or, "We've just been arguing so much lately." While you can work on addressing those things, they still don't justify cheating.^{[7]
  X
  Research source}

4

Find a way to express your emotions.

It's not healthy to keep things bottled up. Only you can know how you're most comfortable opening up, but a lot of people find it really helpful to talk to someone they trust, like a supportive family member, a close friend, or a therapist.^{[8]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- If there's no one you feel like talking to, try writing down what you're going through. Journaling can be a really powerful way to help you process the different emotions you're feeling.^{[9]
  X
  Research source}
- You might also try expressing your feelings through art, like playing a musical instrument, writing a song, creating a painting or sculpture, or writing a poem or short story.^{[10]
  X
  Research source}
- It might help to tell your partner how their actions made you feel. However, only do this if you think you can talk to them without it turning into an argument.

5

Take good care of yourself.

Make self-care your top priority. When you're dealing with heartache, you might just want to crawl into bed and binge on nothing but junk food—or even skip eating altogether. If you need to give yourself a little time to do that, that's fine. But after a day or so, get yourself up, take a shower, eat something nutritious, and get back into your normal routine. When you take care of yourself physically, it actually has a really big impact on how you feel emotionally.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- Don't put too much pressure on yourself—it's okay if you're not quite up to your usual self at work or you need to give the kids a little extra screen-time. You'll start to feel like yourself again eventually.^{[12]
  X
  Research source}
- Make some time for things that make you feel good, too. For instance, you might head to a beautiful outdoor spot, watch your favorite show or movie, wear something that makes you feel amazing, or pick up your favorite treat from a nearby restaurant.^{[13]
  X
  Research source}
- Avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking or doing drugs. They might make you feel better temporarily, but it will just make things worse in the long run.

6

Don't lash out or try to get revenge.

Take some time to cool off before you act. When you're feeling angry, sometimes you just want the other person to hurt as much as you do. Because of that, you might feel tempted to go out and hook up with someone else, or you might want to confront the other person or bash your partner on social media. In the long run, though, those things won't make you feel better—and they can make things a lot harder if you eventually decide to get back together.^{[14]
X
Research source}

7

Lean on your support system.

It's important to talk to someone who cares about you. Reach out to the family members and friends you trust the most and talk to them about how you're feeling. You only have to share as much as you're comfortable with, but it can be really healing to surround yourself with people who have your best interest at heart.^{[15]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- If you need to, ask your support system to help you with things like preparing meals and taking care of your kids or pets until you figure out how to cope with your feelings.
- It's a good idea to meet privately with a mental health professional to help you work through this decision. If you think you may want to stay in the relationship, strongly consider couples' counseling, as well.^{[16]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  Mayo Clinic
  Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
  Go to source}

8

Take your time deciding what you want to do.

Don't let anyone push you into staying or leaving. It's completely fine if you aren't sure whether you want to end your relationship or give your partner another chance. You're the only one who knows what's right for you. As you're deciding, think about why your partner cheated, the circumstances surrounding what happened, and whether you feel like you'll be able to trust them again.^{[17]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Just remember that those answers usually only become clear with time, so don't rush yourself to decide right away.^{[18]
X
Research source}

9

Rebuild trust gradually if you stay together.

This can take a lot of time and work. Even though it's really painful, cheating doesn't always have to mean the end of a relationship. You might decide to stay if you feel like your partner is truly sorry for their mistake and they seem completely committed to making things work with you.^{[19]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} That doesn't mean it will be easy—it will take a lot of open, honest communication, and it's a good idea to see a relationship counselor to help you through the process.^{[20]
X
Research source}
- Ask your partner any questions you need to about their infidelity. If they're committed to rebuilding your trust, they need to be willing to be completely transparent about what happened.
- You might also ask your partner to share their phone and email passwords for a few months so you can feel confident they're not hiding anything else from you.
- Experts say it usually takes between 18 and 24 months for a couple to recover after an affair, so don't be surprised if there are some ups and downs along the way.^{[21]
  X
  Research source}

10

Address the underlying issues to improve your relationship.

You can only move forward together if you start fresh. To do that, you both need to be honest with yourselves and each other about where things went wrong. Maybe the two of you were on different pages about your sexual needs, for instance, or maybe you were disconnected emotionally. Once you've figured out the root of the problem, work together to come up with a solution that will help you both feel connected and close again.^{[22]
X
Research source}
- For instance, if your partner strayed because they felt like the two of you weren't having sex often enough, you might designate one night a week for being intimate.
- Sometimes people cheat because of something that's going on internally, like the desire for something new and thrilling. If that's the case, it's really on the person who cheated to overcome that. All you can do is be supportive if they really seem committed to changing.
- Ideally, you should do this with the help of a couple's therapist, since it can be really helpful to have the perspective of a neutral third party.

11

End things if you don't think they'll change.

Pay attention to how your partner acts once you find out. If they aren't accepting blame for what happened or they won't commit to complete transparency in the future, or if they have a habit of cheating, it's going to be hard for the two of you to move forward together, and you should probably end things.^{[23]
X
Research source} You might also need to end the relationship if you just don't have the desire to make it work. If that's the case, try to make a clean break—putting in a half-hearted effort or going back and forth can just add to your hurt feelings in the long run.

12

Take some time before you get into a new relationship.

It can be really hard to trust a new partner once you've been cheated on. If you project your fears and insecurities onto someone new, it can actually push them away. It's a good idea to focus on yourself for a while instead of jumping into a rebound relationship. Rebuild your self-esteem by reminding yourself of all of your best qualities. Set new goals for yourself and get to work knocking them out so you feel strong and confident. Then, when you can really see the worth in yourself, you might consider looking for a new relationship.^{[24]
X
Research source}
- Once you do start dating again, take your time before committing, but do give your new partner a chance to prove that they're trustworthy. Don't hold them accountable for your last partner's mistakes.

13

Forgive your partner.

Do this whether you stay or leave. Forgiveness might seem impossible, especially at first. However, even if you decide to split for good, it's really important to find a way to forgive your partner. Try to see them as a person who made a mistake, rather than a monster who was just out to hurt you. That will make it a lot easier to move on in the long run.^{[25]
X
Research source}
- It can be really hard to forgive someone who hurt you. Ultimately, it's about making the decision to let go of your own anger and resentment toward them, regardless of what they did.
- It's okay if it takes some time to do this. That's really normal, so take all the time you need.

Expert Q&A

Question

Does the pain of being cheated on ever go away?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

It can. It takes time, and you definitely have to be patient, but this is absolutely something you can work through. I would recommend going to see a therapist or counselor, though. It often really helps to have that neutral space to process and express yourself while you're working through this.
Question

How can I get over the insecurity I feel about being cheated on?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

First, you should recognize that what you're feeling is totally normal. That's a natural response to being cheated on. Second, you have to internalize that this isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. Even if the two of you were fighting or not getting along, you didn't cause this. It takes time, but once those two realizations set in, you'll stop feeling so insecure.
Question

Is it possible to stay together after you've been cheated on?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Absolutely. It can feel like it's impossible right now, but it's certainly something you can work through if that's what you want. However, I would 100% recommend the two of you get counseling. It's possible to work through this on your own, but it can be challenging without some professional help.