How to Know It's the Right Time to Have Sex

When it comes to knowing whether or not it’s the right time to have sex with your partner, only you will know the answer. If your mind and body are telling you that you’ve reached a new level of intimacy with your partner and you’re ready to take that step, then you should work on being educated about sex and being on the same page as your partner before you proceed. The most important thing is that you’re making the decision on your own terms.

Part 1
Part 1 of 3:

Evaluating Your Relationship

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    Make sure you and your partner can talk about it. If you feel like you and your partner can’t even bring up the topic of sex, then it’s likely that you’re not ready for that phase of the relationship. Though you may think that sex can only happen naturally if you get carried away by the moment, it’s actually quite important for you to be able to comfortably talk to your partner about it before you move forward to make sure you’re on the same page.
    • You should feel comfortable saying something like, “I’m starting to feel ready to have sex with you. But before we do that, I just want to talk about a few things first. Is that okay?” If it seems unthinkable that you could do this with your partner, then you may be better off waiting.
    • You should talk to your partner about things like whether or not you’ll be sleeping with other people, what protection you’ll be using, and where your relationship stands.
    • Even if your relationship is more casual and you do have other sexual partners currently, it’s important to talk about this so your partner doesn’t feel blindsided.
    • Plus, sex may not need to be the end goal. Partners find different things meaningful; maybe you two will decide to focus on different kinds of sexual intimacy.
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    Make sure you’re both in the same place emotionally. Another important aspect to consider before you have sex with your partner is whether or not you’re in the same place when it comes to your feelings. It may feel like a big emotional commitment to have sex for you, while your partner may not look at it that way, and vice versa. If having sex means that you’re really into your partner and want to take your relationship to a deeper level, then it’s important to be sure that he or she feels the same way before you move on.
    • Though it can be awkward to ask your partner where he or she stands when it comes to your relationship, this can help you get a better sense of the situation. Besides, it’s much less painful to hear that your partner doesn’t quite feel the same way you do before you have sex instead of learning the truth afterwards.
    • You don’t have to feel like you’re falling in love with your partner before you have sex, but if you do have strong feelings, then it’s important to know that your partner feels the same way. And if you don’t have strong feelings, then it’s also good to make sure your partner is aware of this so you don’t end up hurting him or her.
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    Make sure you’re not doing it to speed up the commitment. Be honest with yourself. If you want to have sex with your partner because you think it will make him or her more likely to call you his or her boyfriend or girlfriend, then you should probably hold off. While sex is a wonderful component of many healthy serious relationships, you can’t think that having sex will be your ticket to having a stronger connection with your partner. Instead, your connection should already be strong, and you should naturally feel ready for sex because of that.[1]
    • If you’re feeling insecure about the relationship, then ask yourself where this is coming from. If you feel like your partner just isn’t as serious about the relationship as you are, then sex isn’t the way to take things to the next level.
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    Make sure you’re the only one (if that’s what you want). People have different rules and ideas when it comes to knowing it’s the right time to have sex. When people are casually dating, some of them are comfortable sleeping with multiple people at once—as long as they are staying as safe as they can. However, other people don’t want to have sex with someone if that person is also sleeping with other people; even if they aren’t at the boyfriend-girlfriend level, they don’t want to feel compromised. If you want to be the only person your partner is sleeping with, then your best is to ask your partner where you stand.
    • Again, though this may feel awkward, especially if you’re not quite boyfriend-girlfriend yet, asking this question bluntly can give you a better sense of the situation.
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    Know that every relationship—and timeframe—is different. Some people have a set timeline when it comes to having sex with a new partner; some do it after four dates, some wait two months, or some have sex on the first night if they are really feeling it. Though you may be looking for a quick answer for when it’s right to have sex, you have to know that this depends on your individual preferences, as well as on how the relationship is going. There’s no “one size fits all” answer.[2]
    • Some relationships move forward a lot faster than others. If you see your partner a lot and feel like you really click right away and truly get each other, then you’ll likely be ready to have sex more quickly than if you only go on dates every two weeks over the course of a few months.
    • Some relationships are also a lot more physical than others. If you and your partner get into some hot and heavy kissing and touching sessions early on, then you may be more ready for sex than you would be with a more slow-moving relationship.
    • As much as you may hate hearing it, a lot of the time, when you’re ready for sex, you just know. You feel a connection with your partner and really want to take it to the next level, and a formula or timeline won’t help you very much, most of the time.
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    Make sure you trust your partner. One way to make sure that it’s the right time to have sex is to ask yourself if you really trust your partner. Now, you don’t have to trust him or her with your life, but you should feel comfortable confiding in that person, sharing a part of yourself with him or her, and letting him or her get intimate with your body. If you feel like you’re not really sure where your partner stands or if you can depend on him, then it may not be the right time for sex.
    • Ask yourself if you feel comfortable confiding in your partner and think that your secrets and thoughts are safe with him or her.
    • If you suspect that your partner is just trying to get close to you for sex, then you obviously can’t trust that person.
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    Make sure your relationship is mature enough for sex. This is another important point. If you don’t feel like your relationship is very mature—whether you and your partner are fighting all the time, constantly blowing each other off, or resorting to name calling—then you should definitely not try to make things feel more adult by having sex. You should feel like you have a respectful relationship with strong communication before you take it to the next level.
    • If you two aren’t mature enough to have a civil conversation or to talk about any serious topics, then you’re not mature enough for sex.
    • You should feel comfortable being mature with your partner before you get intimate. Otherwise, he or she may not take intimacy very seriously and having sex can drive you even further apart.
    • Furthermore, you should make sure that you’re mature enough for sex. If you’re a teen, especially in your early teens, then you have to make sure you’re really ready.
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    Make sure sex doesn’t interfere with you or your partner’s personal beliefs. Some people simply don’t believe in having sex before marriage, whether it’s for personal or for religious reasons. If this has been your belief your whole life, then you should ask yourself if you want to rethink these ideas before you move forward with your partner. It’s okay to change your mind, but it’s important that you put a lot of thought into it so you don’t feel disappointed in yourself if you make the decision in the heat of the moment.
    • If your partner’s religious or personal beliefs lead him to not believe in sex before marriage, then you shouldn’t try to convince him to change his or her mind. Your partner should make this decision on his own and you don’t want to be responsible for persuading him to change his long-held beliefs.
Part 2
Part 2 of 3:

Listening to Your Mind and Body

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    Make sure you don’t feel pressured to have sex. Ask yourself if you want to know whether it’s the right time to have sex because you’re really ready to be sexually active with your partner or because you feel pressured to do so because you’ve been together for a while, because your partner keeps asking about it, or even because everyone you know is asking if you’ve done it yet. You should have sex because you want to, not because anyone else wants you to.
    • Of course, if your partner really wants to have sex with you, then this has probably come up. But if you feel inappropriate pressure to do something you’re not ready for, then you should ask yourself if your partner really cares for and respects you.
    • Just because all of your friends might have had sex already or might have slept with their partners much sooner than you’re considering does not mean this is the right path for you. You have to follow your own ideas of what is appropriate.
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    Make sure you’re ready if it’s your first time. Now, if you’ve never had sex before, then you may be especially nervous about knowing when it’s the right time to take the plunge. Yes, having sex for the first time is likely something you’ll remember forever and you probably won’t ever fully forget the first person you had sex with. That said, you shouldn’t put so much pressure on yourself to find the perfect moment and expect it to be magical; instead, you should do it when you feel the time is right, not after you’ve been led to a bed with rose petals on it.
    • If it’s your first time, then you should let your partner know, even if you’re embarrassed about it. Your partner will see that this is a big deal to you and will understand that you need to be on the same page. If you want losing your virginity to mean that you really care for the person you have sex with, then you have to make sure the person cares for you.
    • That said, if you feel like your virginity is an albatross around your neck and are ready to get frisky without it meaning you’ve found your soulmate, then that’s fine, too. You don’t have to want the first time to be absolutely meaningful. If you have that attitude, you may wait forever to have sex for the first time.
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    Make sure your body is ready. This one may seem obvious for men—if your penis is erect, then you can start to have intercourse. But for girls who are inexperienced with sex, they need to make sure that their bodies are ready to move forward before they have sex. If you’re a girl, you may be so nervous or scared that you aren’t paying enough attention to your body; make sure you feel relaxed and wet enough to have sex without it being too painful or forcing it.
    • If you’re a girl who isn’t ready for penetration, let your partner know, and he can help you get to that point.
    • If you’re a girl who is having sex for the first time, it may hurt, even if you’re ready, so be prepared for that, and be prepared to ask your partner to stop if it’s hurting too much.
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    Make sure you’re following your gut. If your instincts are telling you that it’s time to have sex and all of the other things are in place, then chances are that you’re ready. However, if you feel like it’s about time you should be having sex but get a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach or just feel that something is off when you think about getting intimate with your partner, or get close to being intimate, then you have to trust that feeling. Your instincts are more important than any timeline, anything your partner says, or any ideas you may have about what you “should” do, and if you have the feeling that something is wrong, then it probably is.
    • You may not realize that you don’t feel good about it until you get close to being intimate with your partner. When you start moving forward sexually, you may start to just feel like backing away, and you have the right to go with those feelings.
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    Make sure you’re both sober. It goes without saying that you should be sober when you and your partner have sex for the first time. Whether it’s your first time having sex, or just your first time having sex with your partner, it’s important to be sober so you can have a clear head and, more importantly, give legal consent to have sex. Though each state has different rules about what it means to be able to give consent, it’s important to be sober so you can make the decision with a clear head and enjoy this intimate moment with your partner.[3]
    • Though you may feel that getting drunk can help you ease your nervousness about having sex for the first time, this will actually impair your judgment and make the experience much less pleasant and memorable.
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    Make sure your brain and body are telling you the same thing. You may be feeling that physical urge to have sex with your partner and may feel like you can’t fight it anymore. However, if your body is screaming “yes!” but your mind is whispering, “maybe…” then you should hold off until you feel like you have really thought it through. Though getting caught up in the moment can lead to a passionate experience, you don’t want to feel upset or disappointed when it’s over because you listened to your body and ignored your mind.[4]
    • To truly listen to your mind, make sure you think about having sex with your partner when he’s not around. That way, your judgment won’t be as affected by your physical longings, and you can think about the situation more objectively.
Part 3
Part 3 of 3:

Getting Educated

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    Make sure you’re educated about sex. Before you have sex with your partner, it’s important for you to be educated about pregnancy, Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), birth control options, the legal age of consent in your state, and any other important aspects of the sexual experience. If you don’t know how condoms, birth control pills, IUDs, or other forms of birth control work, then it’s important to read up on the subject at reputable online sites such as Planned Parenthood. This can help you feel confident and savvy before you even think about sex.[5] [6]
    • Though condoms are said to be 98% effective when used correctly, you and your partner should both know how to use them, especially if this is your only form of birth control.
    • If you’re taking the birth control pill, know that it does not protect you against STIs and that you and your partner should be tested before you have sex.
    • Don’t think that a girl “can’t” get pregnant during certain times of the month even if you don’t use birth control. You should always have a plan.
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    Make sure you and your partner are prepared and on the same page. In addition to being knowledgeable about birth control options, you have to make sure that you and your partner are in the same place when it comes to using protection. If you’re set on using a condom during sex, make sure your partner is 100% behind this and that he won’t try to convince you that it “feels better” without it. Though it may feel a little awkward to bring this up before sex, it’s far better than having an argument while you’re trying to have sex because you don’t agree about what to use.
    • Using condoms during oral sex can also prevent against STIs. This is something else you should discuss in advance. If you’re planning to have oral sex for the first time, make sure you’ve read up on that, too.[7]
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    Talk to others if you want more advice. If you’ve read up on all of the helpful materials but still feel unsure when it comes to sex, then you should talk to a close friend, a sibling, or even a parent or aunt or uncle for more advice. You may learn a few new things and may feel more comfortable when you see that everyone has fears and concerns when it comes to having sex. Just take the time to sit down with the people you care about and trust and discuss your questions and concerns with them.
    • Though these people can help ease your worries and give you helpful advice, know that they can’t ever tell you when is the right time to have sex. This is something that only you can know.
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    Make sure you know that you can say “no” at any time. You may think that once you’ve told your partner you’re ready to have sex, you have to go through with it, even if you’re having doubts right before it’s happening—or even after you’ve started. You can say “no” at absolutely any time and should never feel pressured to stick it out once you’ve said you would have sex. Your partner should be respectful of your choices and you should be more concerned about doing what you want than about letting your partner down.
    • For sex to be consensual, you have to give your consent the entire time. As soon as you want to stop having sex, you have the right to stop it.
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    Make sure your expectations aren’t too high. Having sex can be one of the most incredible—and one of the most awkward—experiences of your life. Though you shouldn’t expect it to be awful, you should set realistic expectations for yourself and your partner, especially if you’ve never had sex before. If you’re ready to have sex with your partner, then you’ll eventually be able to find a pace and style that works for you, so you shouldn’t put too much pressure on that first time being magical or you’ll be disappointed.
    • Instead, look at it as an opportunity to take your physical experiences with your partner to a new level. Be realistic about what will happen and you may even be pleasantly surprised.

Warnings

  • No protection method other than abstinence work 100%, so make sure you are both aware of potential for sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy.
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References

  1. ↑ http://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/dr-laura-berman-sex-with-new-partner.aspx
  2. ↑ http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith/when-to-have-sex-2.html
  3. ↑ https://ohl.rainn.org/online/resources/was-i-raped.cfm
  4. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/sex-dating-rules?page=2
  5. ↑ http://www.pamf.org/teen/sex/virginity/
  6. ↑ http://www.plannedparenthood.org
  7. ↑ http://www.pamf.org/teen/sex/virginity/readyornot.html

About This Article

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Co-authored by:
Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli specializes in individual and couples therapy focusing on relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. She is the author of “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband” and the award-winning and best-selling book “Thriving with ADHD”. Kelli co-hosted an advice show on LA Talk Radio and is a relationship expert for The Examiner. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida. This article has been viewed 430,981 times.
13 votes - 77%
Co-authors: 24
Updated: September 27, 2022
Views: 430,981
Categories: Love and Romance

Medical Disclaimer

The content of this article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, examination, diagnosis, or treatment. You should always contact your doctor or other qualified healthcare professional before starting, changing, or stopping any kind of health treatment.

Article SummaryX

To know when it’s the right time to have sex, wait until you’re comfortable talking about the idea with your partner. Make sure you both feel the same about sex. For example, if you’re in love with your partner but they're only interested in a physical relationship, it’s best to wait for someone else. You should also trust your partner to respect what you want so you feel safe and comfortable. Don’t have sex just to please your partner or to fit in with your friends. It might be tempting to have sex when you’ve had a few drinks, but you should be sober so you can have a clear head. It’s also important to do your research about sex before you do it, so you know how to be safe. There's no definite timeline for when you should have sex in a relationship. It just depends on when you both feel comfortable. Remember that you can say no at any time, even if you’ve already told your partner you want to. For more tips, including how to manage your expectations when having sex for the first time, read on.

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