How to Recognize the Signs of Intimacy Issues in Men—and How to Help

Co-authored by Donna Novak, Psy.D and Madeleine Flamiano

Last Updated: February 4, 2022 References

Do you wonder if you can ever get close to a man who’s afraid of intimacy? If you feel really strongly about him, it can be tough when he’s so distant. Luckily, you can use expert-backed techniques to strengthen your bond with him. We’ll talk about what intimacy issues are, how to identify them, and how to work past them. Here, you’ll learn how to help a man with intimacy issues so your relationship will thrive.

Section 1 of 3:

What are intimacy issues?

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Intimacy issues describe when someone's fear of closeness gets in the way of their ability to form relationships. Fear of intimacy can impact overall relationship satisfaction and lower sexual desire. Emotionally, a man with intimacy issues might have trouble expressing himself or letting you see his vulnerable side. Physically, a man with intimacy issues might not want to initiate sex and might struggle with being affectionate.^{[1]
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- He might seem "cold" or "distant" at times.
- He might have low self-esteem or think he doesn't deserve to be with you.
- He might even express that long-term relationships don’t work for him.
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Intimacy issues are often caused by underlying anxiety.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.} A man's fear of intimacy can often stem from his concerns about rejection or abandonment—which might go all the way back to his childhood.^{[3]
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Research source} In adult life, intimacy issues can come from a string of bad relationships and an avoidant attachment style, which means he'll pull away the closer you try to get.^{[4]
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- He might say he just can’t trust anyone.
- He may even claim something like, “Relationships are smothering.”
- He’ll take a long time to warm up to you. He may also look for ways you’ll let him down.
- Some intimacy issues might also stem from harmful beliefs that men can't be emotional.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.}

Section 2 of 3:

Signs Your Partner Might Have Intimacy Issues

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He won’t communicate. If you ask him what’s wrong, he’ll deny that anything bothers him. He might even say you read into everything too much. You'll help him relax if you bring up just one important topic at a time.^{[6]
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- He has less experience with talking about his emotions, so model how to do this.
- He shuts down or talks about different topics. Request to stay on the same subject.
- He’ll distrust anyone who asks too many sensitive questions. Start off slowly.
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He’s angry all the time. If he loses his temper over small things, like when someone cuts in line, then there’s probably a bigger issue he won’t talk about. If you ask him what he’s really bothered by, he won’t give you an answer or he’ll claim that he’s just irritated by some minor event. He’ll feel more reassured if you tell him it’s natural to be stressed sometimes.^{[7]
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- He might raise his voice a lot or have sudden meltdowns. Use a calm tone with him.
- He may pick fights with you or other people. Try some conflict management skills.
- He’ll probably be annoyed if you ask him to unpack his reaction. Just give him some space.
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He’s a perfectionist. If he has high standards that he holds himself and others to, he’s probably afraid to talk about flaws. He’ll reject people he's dating and say they’re not good enough for him. He’ll even feel shame for his high standards, but you can remind him that they’re just a part of him and he deserves love, too.^{[8]
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- He may also analyze everything he says. Tell him it’s okay to make mistakes.
- He might work out at the gym for hours. Remind him you embrace more than just his body.
- He'll tend to criticize others and say something like, “No one ever satisfies all my needs.”
- Reassure him that it’ll just take time to get to know someone.
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He’s always distracted. If his attention is glued to the phone, video games, or work, he might just want to shut out any serious discussions. Since a deep connection requires people to be present for each other, he’ll find every way to avoid looking at or listening to you. You can continue to be mindful and give him all your focus when you’re able to.^{[9]
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- He might also go out all the time. Ask if you can spend a day with him.
- He may also rush any quality time you have with each other. Request that he slow down and talk to you.
- He might also give you one-word answers or just nod when you speak. You can match his communication style, but remain sensitive.
- For instance, you can say, “I understand. That makes total sense.”

Section 3 of 3:

How to Help a Man with Intimacy Issues

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Build emotional intimacy to deepen your relationship. Whether or not you’ve been able to be physically intimate with him, check in with him regularly. Ask him what’s on his mind and how you can support him.^{[10]
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HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source} When you discuss both his own life and your relationship together, he’ll be invested in a future with you.^{[11]
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- Ask about any stress in his life. He’ll like that he can be honest, even when life is challenging.^{[12]
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  PubMed Central
  Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
  Go to source}
- Do a kind favor for him. You can help with chores or buy tickets to an event he’ll love. He’ll realize how much you care.^{[13]
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- Share warm memories with him. When you’re nostalgic, he’ll cherish the relationship you two built.^{[14]
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- Talk about the relationship he wants. If he can voice his needs, he’ll feel your dynamic is sustainable.^{[15]
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  Expert Source
  
  Donna Novak, Psy.D
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.}
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Work on long-term "experiential" intimacy so he’ll feel secure. “Experiential” intimacy happens when you two share fun activities with each other.^{[16]
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Expert Source

Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.} When you’re both excited about the lives you’ll create together, any worries he has about sex or emotional closeness can fade away.^{[17]
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- Work out with him. He’ll feel motivated and have a relationship routine to look forward to.^{[18]
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- Cook a meal together. You’ll create teamwork in the kitchen and enjoy the creativity.^{[19]
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- Bring him on a trip. You can plan the vacation together, then learn how you’ll explore new places as a couple.^{[20]
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- Work toward both of your individual goals. He’ll see there’s plenty of room for independence in a relationship.^{[21]
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Show affection in order to connect in ways other than sex. Comfort and entertain him outside of the bedroom, tell him you appreciate him, and use caring forms of touch. He’ll learn new strategies to bond with you, and you’ll both build rapport with your clothes on.^{[22]
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- Cuddle and kiss him. Your quick touches can relieve a lot of his stress.^{[23]
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- Express gratitude. For example, you can say, “I love that you’re so witty and make me laugh.”^{[24]
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- Treat him to quality time. You can set aside a couple hours in the evening for each other.^{[25]
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- Enjoy activities with him. For example, you can work or go to a trivia night.^{[26]
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- Start deep conversations with him.^{[27]
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  Donna Novak, Psy.D
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 8 December 2020.} For instance, you can ask, “What’s the biggest risk you’d take in life?”^{[28]
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  Greater Good in Action
  An initiative by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center promoting science-based practices for a meaningful life
  Go to source}
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Use physical intimacy to create a sense of trust. Before you initiate any sex, focus on the sweet moments that lead up to it. See how your chemistry develops, then try to schedule intimacy with him. You’ll be present for each other even with busy lives. Ask him about his fantasies and try out any scenarios you’re comfortable with. Hold him after you’ve reconnected. He’ll be able to let his walls down and cozy up to you.^{[29]
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- Plan a romantic date for him. He’ll appreciate all the effort you put in for him.^{[30]
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- Listen to emotional music and caress him. You’ll take the pressure off of him to have sex.^{[31]
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- Share vulnerabilities with him. When you both talk about any fears or anxieties, you’ll be each other’s confidantes and can solve problems together.^{[32]
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Expert Q&A

Question

Why is it so hard for some men to share their feelings?

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Josh Spurlock is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and CEO of MyCounselor.Online. With more than 15 years of experience, he specializes in marriage counseling, family counseling, and sex therapy through a Christian counseling lens. Josh holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Biblical Languages, Literatures, and Linguistics and a Master’s in Counseling Psychology from Evangel University.

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Culturally, male emotions are often labeled as a weakness. So, many men learn that it's not acceptable or okay to be emotionally vulnerable, and they train themselves not to be. Even now, it's challenging to unwind and unpack all those beliefs and realize that they aren't true.
Question

How can men have better control over emotions?

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Josh Spurlock is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and CEO of MyCounselor.Online. With more than 15 years of experience, he specializes in marriage counseling, family counseling, and sex therapy through a Christian counseling lens. Josh holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Biblical Languages, Literatures, and Linguistics and a Master’s in Counseling Psychology from Evangel University.

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Try spending time with men who have a little more emotional experience than you. That relationship might help you work on better understanding how to manage your emotions.