How to Have a Gay Friend

Co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC and Jessica Gibson

Last Updated: October 27, 2022 References

Whether you're gay and looking for gay friends or you're trying to help a friend who's come out, we've got you covered! With a little searching you can find a rich network of gay friends in your area or you can meet people online. Having a community can really help you feel supported and cared for. Speaking of support, we've also got suggestions for how to help a friend who's just come out so you can be a friend they rely on.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Making Gay Friends as a Gay Person

1
Search for LGBT meetups in your area. Go to a site like meetup.com or check community event pages for your city. You can look for events that are labeled LGBT-friendly, or just search for meetups that sound unique and interesting. Who knows? You might meet some amazing gay people there.^{[1]
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- For instance, you might find an LGBT meditation group that meets once a week. If spirituality is your thing, you might make some cool friends.
2
Post on an online LGBT forum. Forums can be different than dating sites in that you can make casual connections without expecting to start a relationship. If you're shy or uncomfortable around people, forums give you privacy and the chance to overcome your anxiety. You might find that it's a lot easier to chat and be yourself in an online setting.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.}
- There are tons of LGBT forums—try one like emptyclosets.com or lgbtchat.net. These are focused just on chatting and being friendly.
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3
Ask friends to introduce you. If you already have gay friends, ask them to introduce you to some of their gay friends so you can expand your network. Do this even if you're not super great friends with the person you already know! You may just hit it off with the friends they put you in touch with.^{[3]
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- The point is to put yourself out there so you're meeting more people. If you get asked to hang out with a gay friend, do it even if you're not really excited about it since it's an opportunity to meet friends.
4
Go to a gay or lesbian bar. This might seem like an obvious place to meet gay friends, but that's because it works! Most cities have at least one LGBT bar or club which is a basic meeting point. Sure, you might be nervous if it's your first time, but remember that other people at the bar are there looking to make friends as well.^{[4]
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- Even if you don't drink you can still make friends in a gay bar. Try practicing your pool game or go dancing—have fun and be friendly!
- Although they're not as common, you might be able to find gay cafes in your city. These are great casual places to meet other gays, especially if you're into a quieter atmosphere or aren't old enough to go to a bar.
5
Join a gay or lesbian sports team. This is a good way to meet people in a casual setting—being active and a little competitive can help break the ice. Not super athletic? No problem! You can probably find low-intensity activities like disc golf or dodgeball.^{[5]
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- Don't give up after just one meeting or game. Stick with it at least 3 times so you give the group a chance.
6
Join LGBT service or volunteer groups. Think about issues that you're passionate about and search your community for LGBT-specific groups. Try a simple search like "LGBT volunteer opportunities near me." Obviously, joining a gay-rights group is an option for meeting gay friends, but you could branch out into anything you're interested in.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 2 April 2021.}
- For example, you might join an LGBT service group that plants trees, distributes food or supplies to the homeless, or raises awareness for gay rights.
- Volunteer at a Pride celebration event for a sure way to expand your circle of gay friends.
7
Be open to meeting gay people in your everyday life. Gay people are everywhere! While it can be easier to go to popular gay spots, don't overlook the fact that gay people are at the store, library, restaurant, etc. If you're interested in meeting someone you think is gay, just make eye contact and smile. Start a basic conversation and see how they respond.^{[7]
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- For instance, you might say, "Hey, I'm Alex. I'm kind of new in the area. Do you know any cool places to meet people?" They may ask you out, or if they get the sense that you're gay, they may be able to point you to a well-known LGBT spot in town.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Supporting a Friend Who Has Come Out

1
Respect that they may not want other people to know. Your friend's decision to come out to you is theirs. Respect their confidentiality and don't tell anyone else or talk about it unless your friend gives you clear permission.^{[8]
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- Even if someone else asks, this isn't your news to share. Don't make any assumptions about who knows about your friend's orientation, and definitely don't say anything on social media unless your friend says it's okay.
2
Act normally around your friend. They might have been hesitant to tell you if they thought you'd treat them differently. When you think about it, not much has really changed in your relationship with your friend, so continue to be a caring, considerate person around them.^{[9]
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- Keep in mind that they might need extra support if they come out to other people and lose friendships or family relationships that they care about.
3
Invite your friend out more so they feel included. Unfortunately, your friend might have lost family or friends, so they might be feeling left out. Think of your friend when social opportunities come up and ask them to join you. This can really make them feel supported and cared for.^{[10]
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- Holidays or special celebrations might be tough for your friend if they can't see close friends or family. Ask them to spend these times with you and your social circle.
4
Stand up for your friend even when they're not around. Your friend might hear insensitive comments or name-calling, or you might hear it when someone's talking about them. Either way, don't tolerate disrespectful comments. Speak out and let them know it's not okay to put down any LGBT person.^{[11]
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- For example, if you hear someone say, "That's so gay," you could say, "How do you think that would make a gay person feel?" It puts the responsibility on the person who said it to justify their choice of words.
5
Offer your help with anything they might need. Your friend may ask you to be there for them when they come out to other friends or their families. They might just need you to be available to listen about how things are going for them. Make it clear that you're there for them.^{[12]
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- It's also fine if your friend doesn't need your help. They might just want you to know this thing about them. Again, let them know you appreciate being told, but don't let it change your friendship.
6
Learn about the LGBT community. There are lots of resources for friends and family members so you can be there for your gay friend. You might read about questions that you shouldn't ask, the struggles a gay person goes through, and what the gay community is like in your area.^{[13]
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- For example, you might learn that an LGBTQ organization in your city does advocacy work. You might join it so you can volunteer along with your friend. This also shows them that you truly care.
- Use the correct LGBTQ terminology.

Expert Q&A

Question

If a friend comes out to me, does it mean that they like me?

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
LGBTQ+ Counselor
Deb Schneider is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Oakland, CA, and a Program Manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces, respectful of marginalized identities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Women's Studies from Clark University and a Master of Social Work (MSW) with Health Concentration from the University of California, Berkeley School of Social Welfare.

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

LGBTQ+ Counselor

Expert Answer

No, this is one of those stereotypes that just isn't true. I mean, it's possible in theory that they think you're cute or something, but it isn't like they're automatically interested in you just because they came out.
Question

How should I act around my lesbian friend?

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
LGBTQ+ Counselor
Deb Schneider is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Oakland, CA, and a Program Manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces, respectful of marginalized identities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Women's Studies from Clark University and a Master of Social Work (MSW) with Health Concentration from the University of California, Berkeley School of Social Welfare.

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

LGBTQ+ Counselor

Expert Answer

You don't need to act like anything. Just be yourself. You don't need to treat them totally differently just because they're a lesbian.
Question

Can I force my friend to be straight?

Community Answer

No, and even if you could, it would be wrong to try. Your friend is who he is, and if you think that should change, then you shouldn’t be his friend.