How to Start a Friends With Benefits Relationship

Co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

The ideal friends with benefits relationship will let you have fun and hook up with someone whenever you're both in the mood without getting emotionally invested. Though it can be very tricky to navigate the territory between friendship and courtship, if you follow a few basic rules, you can have a no-strings-attached relationship where no one gets hurt. If you want to know how to start one, just be cool and follow these steps.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Picking Someone

1
Pick someone who is available. This means "available" in all senses of the word -- single being the most obvious definition. The person should not only be single, but he or she shouldn't be recovering from the end of a devastating break-up, dealing with the loss of a loved one, or so busy studying that he or she practically lives in the library. This person should be feeling fun, emotionally stable, and up for anything -- especially hooking up with you.
2
Pick someone who won't get too attached. Friends with benefits relationships often end because one person starts falling for the other. So, unless you want to date the person, or you don't care if the person gets really hurt, you should avoid someone who will get attached. How do you know who will get too attached and who won't? Well, you can't figure this out with 100% certainty, but there are a few clues that the person may get too attached:^{[1]
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- If you've heard this person described as "clingy," whether it's by friends or past significant others, then you may have a problem.
- If the person doesn't have a lot of friends, interests, or a lot going on, then he or she may have nothing better to do than to spend a lot of time with you.
- If you know that this person has really liked you in the past, then it's better to avoid it. If you know the person has a harmless crush on you, then that's perfect.
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3
Pick someone you already like. Key word -- like, not really really like. This should be someone who you think is cute and fun to be around -- you should like this person just as much as you like spending a day at the beach with your friends. If you're going to spend a lot of time with that person, then you should feel a baseline of affection -- just nothing too serious.^{[2]
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- Pick someone you already like, but not someone you would normally date. Go out of your comfort zone and remember that you're looking for a hot hook up partner, not your future husband or wife. If you pick someone you might date, then it's more likely that you'd end up falling for that person.
- You should have some natural chemistry with this person. That doesn't mean you want to stay up for hours talking about the meaning of life with him -- you just want to rip his shirt off.
4
Pick someone outside your social or work circle. Don't have a friends with benefits relationship with one of the members of the group of friends you've known since you were five, or it'll lead to some serious awkwardness when the relationship ends. Typical friends with benefits relationships only last a few months, so don't pick someone you know you'll have to see all the time.
5
Pick someone with experience. You should try to find someone who you know has had some experience hooking up -- even better if you've heard he or she is great in bed. Since that's what you'll be doing, it's good to have a sense that the person will deliver. It will also help if the person has had some casual flings before, so he or she is experienced in that department. If the person has only had one relationship and it lasted seven years, he may not be your best bet.
- Get to know the person you're hooking up with. Start a conversation and ask them about the current and past sexual history.^{[3]
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  Expert Source
  
  Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
  Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Hooking Up

1
Flirt with the person. Start flirting with the person by teasing, playfully touching, or just paying attention to him or her. Let the person know you're interested and give him or her a few not-so-subtle compliments. You're not trying to be coy here -- you're looking for a hook-up buddy.
2
Start hooking up. Once the person is interested, you can start kissing or doing something more. Tell the person how attracted you are to him or her but do not compliment that person's personality or say anything that makes it sound like you want to date.
3
Set the ground rules.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} Every non-couple is different. Some friends with benefits know each other well enough to set some ground rules before they start hooking up. But that can feel a little awkward and unnatural, so you may want to wait until after that first kiss or hook-up session. Ideally, you should have the talk before sex, so you know that both people are on the same page and that no one gets really hurt. Here are the things you should talk about:^{[5]
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- Make it clear that you are not dating -- you're just having fun. Both of you should be free to hook up with other people.
- Make sure that you won't see each other too often. You should see each other just two or three times a week, preferably at night. If you see each other almost every day, then guess what? That's dating.
- Decide that you'll end the relationship when one person gets too attached. Unless you both start falling for each other, make it clear that if someone gets attached, it's over.
4
Enjoy some hot sex. That's what having friends with benefits is for, isn't it? Have fun hooking up with your "friend," letting loose, and trying the things you were too afraid to try with your old boyfriend or girlfriend. This is your time to let loose and experiment, picking up the tricks you can use to wow future partners. Have fun trying new poses, having sex in kinky locations, and just throwing caution to the wind.
5
Keep up your communication. As you ease in to your friends with benefits relationship, don't forget to check in with the person you're hooking up with.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} Make sure you're both into each other, but not too much. If you'll both be at a party, talk about how you'll act. If you're also hooking up with another person, don't be shady about it. You don't have to spill your heart out, but you should keep talking so you know what's working and what isn't.^{[7]
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Staying Casual

1
Don't forget to see other people. Part of a no-strings-attached relationship means that you are free to see other people. Don't forget this important perk. If you're only hooking up with one person, it may turn into a real relationship. If that's not what you want, then keep a look out whenever you're out at a bar or a party. Don't just wait to get a text from your hook up buddy, but look around and see if there are any other options for you.
2
Keep it casual. You can hang out with your friend with benefits, but you need to make it clear that it's not a date. For one thing, you should spend more time in bed together than out of it. You can go out for a drink -- but not for dinner. Try to make your place as inhospitable as possible so your hook up buddy doesn't want to linger in the morning.
- If your friend does stay the night, don't fry up some pancakes in the morning, or give her a kiss goodbye. Be nice, but not loving.
- Don't do things a real couple would do, like go on a mini-vacation, go grocery shopping, or go on double-dates with your friends.
- Don't go clothes shopping together, and don't bring your "friend" as a date to a wedding or a party.
- Don't get gifts for the person you're hooking up with, or call him or her just to chat.
- Keep your distance. Don't see the person more than two or three times a week.
3
Keep doing your own thing. The joy of a friends with benefits relationship is that you can still have enough time to pursue your own goals, whether it's grad school, your love for painting, or just all of the fun times you have hanging out with your friends. You can keep hooking up with your friend while having plenty of time to do all of the things you love during the day.
4
Know when to say goodbye. There are three main reasons that a friends with benefits relationship ends: one person gets too attached, one person finds someone else he really wants to date, or both people just get bored and want to move on. The fourth reason is that there is a natural time-based end to the relationship, such as the end of a summer, the end of a long trip, or that one or both people is graduating.^{[8]
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- Once you have a feeling that it may be over, then it's over. If you set the ground rules early on, then it shouldn't be too painful to have a conversation about ending the non-relationship.
- And in the rare event that you and your hook up partner have fallen for each other, just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Conversation Help

Suggesting a FWB Relationship

Setting Boundaries in a FWB Relationship

Ending a FWB Relationship

Expert Q&A

Question

Is it possible to just be friends with benefits?

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)
Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)

Expert Answer

Possibly, but it's important to check-in with your partner regardless. Sex between friends can seem harmless, but it can sometimes lead to strong feelings. Find time to check in with each other on a regular basis and see how the relationship is progressing. Staying friends no matter what should be the top priority!
Question

How do you stay detached in a FWB?

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)
Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)

Expert Answer

Make a proposal and define the terms of your relationship. It's really important to communicate exactly what your hopes and expectations are. How often will see each other? What are the expectations in the friendship and with the sexual relationship? Can you see other people at the same time? How can you ensure everyone's safety from STDs, if so? Getting as specific as possible helps eliminate confusion, mixed signals, and potential problems in the future.
Question

What are some good ground rules for a friends with benefits situation?

wikiHow Staff Editor
Staff Answer
This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

wikiHow Staff Editor

Staff Answer

Different FWB find that different things work for them, so sit down with your friend and make a list of things you can both agree to. For example, you might make it a rule not to cuddle or not to hook up more than a certain number of nights in a row. Whatever you decide on, the most important rules are to communicate clearly and honestly and respect each other’s boundaries.

Warnings

Don't get pregnant, and be safe and smart.

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There is always the possibility of developing attachment on either friend's part. Be honest with each other. If the feelings are not reciprocated, stop the friends with benefits relationship immediately.

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Make sure you are starting these relationships with people who want the same thing out of it as you, and are not just using them.

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Make sure they understand the purpose of the relationship, and don't think you are a couple.

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Avoid being used. If your friend almost never talks to you in public or completely ignores you, stop the relationship and try another route.

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