How to Get a Divorced Man to Commit Again

Co-authored by Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC and Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: December 20, 2021 References

If you're dating a divorced man, you might be curious about his level of commitment. Since he's already been in a serious relationship, you may wonder how serious he is with you. Thankfully, there are a lot of ways to open up his mind to commitment again. This article is here to give you some insight into what a divorced man might be thinking, along with plenty of tips on how to get him to commit to you.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Julia McCurley
Certified Professional Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.}

1

Be fun and carefree.

Show him that dating can be a positive experience. He might be struggling with a negative outlook on relationships in general. To encourage him to see things in a more positive light, plan fun dates and live in the moment with him. Avoid putting too much pressure on the status of your relationship early on and focus on having a good time. A divorced man might just be looking for something lighthearted right at first. He'll have a great time with you and will likely keep wanting to see you again.^{[2]
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- Try fun date ideas like blacklight bowling, dining at a trendy new brunch spot, and checking out a brand new museum exhibit.
- Avoid stressing too much about planning your next date while you're together. Enjoy your time together in the moment and he'll likely ask you out again.

2

Show him kindness.

Make him see that you're a nice and considerate romantic partner. No matter what happened in his marriage, this guy might be a little sensitive and tentative about opening his heart again.^{[3]
X
Research source} Encourage him to open up to you by being especially sweet and tender. Say nice things to him, compliment him, and ask him how he's doing. He'll appreciate having you to support him and will start to see you as more than a casual date.
- Encourage him with nice compliments. Try something like, "Wow, that flannel looks great on you. You're so handsome."
- If he says he had a bad day, let him know you're there for him. You might say, "I'm sorry to hear that! Do you want to talk about it?" Even if he doesn't, he'll appreciate the gesture.

3

Take your time getting to know each other.

A divorced man most likely won't want to rush into a new relationship. Focus on learning more about each other on dates. Talk about your interests, hobbies, and ways you like to spend your time. Try new things together on dates to get to know each other even better.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.}
- Dating experts recommend that divorced people wait a year before seriously dating someone. If it's just been a few months since his divorce, he might need to take things pretty slow. That doesn't mean he won't eventually commit!^{[5]
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- You might consider waiting a little bit longer to define the relationship. Bringing up your dating status a few weeks to a month in might be too soon for a divorced man.

4

Give him space to hang out with his family and friends.

A divorced man might need to spend extra time with his support system. Try to be cool with it when he has to spend more time with his family throughout the week, especially if he has kids. Although it can be tough, avoid getting jealous or frustrated by his commitments to his kids and family. Your easygoing nature and respect for his current circumstances will help him relax around you and see you in a very positive light.^{[6]
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- It's totally normal to get a little jealous if you don't feel like a priority to him. If he's a divorced man with kids, he might have to prioritize his kids or be held to a custody schedule. Try to remember that it's nothing personal.

5

Keep living your awesome life.

A person with a full life is super attractive to a divorced man. Divorced people might be a little pickier about who they commit to. Show him how special you are by throwing yourself into your passions and making fun plans with your friends and family. You'll have more fun that way and it'll make you stand out.
- Focusing on just your relationship with this guy might put too much pressure on him. It's totally normal to fall head over heels for someone, but try to keep your cool and remember your other ambitions and desires in life, too.
- You might try working towards a promotion at work, getting started with a dream side-hustle you've always wanted to try, or planning a fun trip with your friends.

6

Be honest and straightforward.

Avoid playing dating games with a divorced man. After a divorce, he'll likely only want to commit to someone that he can trust. Waiting days to text back, pulling away just to get him to chase you, or trying to make him jealous may work against you. If you like him, be upfront and open.^{[7]
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- Respond to his texts when you're free and make plans to see him when you want to spend time together.

7

Talk to him about his divorce when you're ready.

Bringing this up can help you determine if he's ready to commit. Once you've been seeing each other for a few months, try asking him about his last relationship. You want to determine if he's actually healed from the past and is really over his ex-partner. Try to frame the conversation as respectfully as possible and avoid asking too many questions so that he doesn't get defensive.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Julia McCurley
Certified Professional Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.}
- You might say, "We've been dating for a few months now, and we haven't really talked about the divorce. If you're comfortable, I'm curious to know how you're feeling about it now that some time has passed."
- Signs that he's not healed from his divorce include making negative comments about his ex-partner, seeming bitter or negative about their divorce, and being unwilling to open up to you emotionally.
- If he says he's over it but still seems sad or hurt by what happened, you might consider delicately encouraging him to seek therapy. You could say, "That sounds like a lot to go through. Have you thought of talking to someone about it, like a professional?"

8

Communicate openly about what you're looking for.

Be honest with him about what you want. If you've been dating for a few months and are really hitting it off, tell him that you're enjoying your time together and see how he feels about getting more serious. Keep an open mind instead of getting stuck on one expectation, and prepare yourself for the fact that he just may not be ready. Being upfront about what you want will help the relationship develop in a more mature way, no matter what you decide.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.}
- You might say something like, "I've really had a good time with you these past few months. I could see a future with you, and I'd love to talk about that."
- If you communicate with him directly but he doesn't want to talk about it, it's likely he's not ready to make a serious commitment.^{[10]
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9

Keep your eye out for red flags.

Some divorced men might not be ready to commit, even if they say they are.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.} A divorced man that isn't ready for a new relationship might refuse to say "I love you" after 6 months to a year of dating, be unwilling to define the relationship, or keep you separate from his private life with his friends and family.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Julia McCurley
Certified Professional Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 30 September 2021.} He also might not be ready to commit to you if he doesn't take any accountability for the divorce or is still preoccupied by his ex.
- Pay attention to how he talks about his divorce and his ex. If he blames the divorce on them, is constantly badmouthing them, or frequently compares you to them, he may have unresolved feelings that he still needs to work through.
- A divorced man that isn't over his divorce might even expect you to act like his ex or lash out at you out of fear that you'll treat him similarly. This behavior isn't fair to you, and it suggests that he isn't ready to trust a new person.
- Notice if the relationship feels like it's all on his terms. That might look like only making plans at night when you want to see him during the day or frequently cancelling or rescheduling your dates.
- If you notice these red flags, it might mean that he's not ready to commit to the relationship you want. Try addressing the issue respectfully. If he's unwilling to change, you might want to reevaluate the relationship.

10

Walk away if you’re not getting the commitment you want.

It's possible that he's not able to commit right now, even if he likes you.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Expert Interview. 24 November 2021.} If you've tried everything and he's only interested in casual dating, it may be best to walk away from the relationship. This can be really tough, but it's more painful to be in a relationship with someone who can't give you what you want. Remind yourself that there are plenty of other people out there who would love to be in a committed relationship with you.^{[14]
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- If you decide to walk away, do so respectfully to end things on good terms. Say something like, "I've really enjoyed our time together, but I think we're looking for different things right now."
- Ending things on good terms might boost your chances later on. In time, he may decide that he's ready to commit and reach out.

11

Remain confident in yourself no matter what.

If he's unwilling to commit, try not to take it personally. Divorce is a very traumatic experience for a lot of people, and it can make them uncertain or unwilling to trust a new person. Remind yourself that you're awesome, talented, and worthy of love, no matter what this guy decides to do.^{[15]
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- Anytime you start to feel down on yourself, replace any negative thoughts with positive ones. You might try, "I am beautiful, smart, and sexy" or "I'm a total catch."

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you tell if he's not committed?

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC
Relationship Counselor
Jason Polk is a Relationship Counselor and the Owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery. With over 12 years of experience as a therapist, he specializes in helping couples build healthy and thriving relationships through counseling. Jason holds an MSW from Newman University, Colorado Springs. He is also a Level II Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) therapist, Healing Our Core Issues (HOCII) Certified therapist, and has training in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Jason Polk, LCSW, LAC

Relationship Counselor

Expert Answer

Take a close look at how he's acting. Is he honest? Is he forthcoming? Is he straight up? Do you feel like you're making excuses?