How to Know That Your Boyfriend Really Loves You

Co-authored by John Keegan

Last Updated: November 29, 2022 References Approved

If you've been together with your boyfriend for a little while, you might want to know if it's getting serious. Your boyfriend might say he loves you, but you aren't sure if he really does. If your boyfriend doesn't say he loves you, there are ways to determine whether or not he feels love toward you. Look at your boyfriend's actions, and then consider his words.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Observing His Actions

1
Ask yourself if he treats you with respect. When your boyfriend really loves you, he'll be interested in you. He will respect your ideas and opinions, even when he doesn't agree with them. He'll pay attention to details about your likes and dislikes, and he'll accommodate your needs to the best of his ability.
- Does he ask you about your life?
- Does he appear to genuinely care about your feelings and opinions?
2
Observe his ability to compromise. If your boyfriend respects you, he'll initiate compromises even though you haven't asked him to. Whether he compromises on little things, like going to see a movie he doesn't care for because he knows you'll like it, or bigger issues, compromise is an important sign that your boyfriend really loves you.^{[1]
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- True compromise doesn't mean "I'll do this for you, if you do this for me." It's not a negotiation.
- Does he insist on being right on a disagreement of opinion? Or is he okay with letting you have the last word?
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3
Notice where your boyfriend touches you. Most people in love have a need to touch the object of their attention, even without sexual activity. Does he seem interested in touching you? Does he feel interested in you when he's touching you? Public touches are a public display of affection, and demonstrate to the world that the person cares for you.^{[2]
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- If you're not sure how he feels when he touches you, check with your own feelings. Are you feeling loved? Or are you feeling like he's trying to "stake a claim" by touching you in public?
- If he's shy, or if he's from a culture where public touching isn't acceptable, he may love you and yet rarely touch you.
- When a man touches a woman's face, this is often a sign that he wants to be closer to her.
- A touch on the shoulder or hand isn't necessarily an intimate touch in most cultures. However, if he touches you on the lower back, or gently moves his hand along your leg, this is often a sign of attraction.
- If he only touches you in private, this is a warning sign. If he touches you ONLY in public, never in private, this is another warning sign.
- Respect is required in the way he touches you. If you don't like the way he touches you, and he does it anyway, he's unlikely to really love you.
4
Make sure he wants you to spend time with his friends and family. If your boyfriend wants to keep you all for himself, not share you with his friends and family, he's unlikely to really love you. If he really loves you, he'll want to include you in all areas of his life.^{[3]
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- Including you in his family life may be difficult at first, especially if his relationship with his family is unsettled or rocky.
- If he treats you differently around his family and friends, ask him why this is. If he's really in love with you, he'll be proud of you no matter what company you're in.
5
Confirm that he wants to spend time with your friends and family. Someone who loves you will be interested in your family and friends. Even if he doesn't like them, he'll be willing to spend time with them if you want him to.^{[4]
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- If your boyfriend avoids your family and friends, he might be shy. If he tries to get you to avoid them as well, he may be overly controlling. This is a bad sign.
- If he doesn't care to get to know your family and friends, this is a sign that he doesn't really care about you.
6
Notice if he does things you want to do. Someone who loves you will try to do the things you want to do, even if he doesn't care for them. For example, he'll eat in restaurants because you like them, or go to cultural events because you've asked him to. If all your activities revolve around his interests, this may be a sign that he doesn't really love you.^{[5]
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- Doing things because someone else wants to is an action of generosity. If he insists on your doing something for him, because he did something you enjoy, this isn't generous. It's a form of manipulation.
- A man who really loves you will pay attention to what you like and dislike. He'll try to make sure you're happy, because your happiness matters to him.
7
Avoid him if he hurts you. Sometimes people say that they are doing hurtful things "because I love you." If your boyfriend says this to you, this is a warning sign. Learn to Recognize a Potentially Abusive Relationship and ask for help.^{[6]
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- Abusive behavior isn't limited to physical violence. If your boyfriend really loves you, he will treat you with respect. He won't degrade you, call you names, or put down your accomplishments.
- If you aren't sure whether to trust your boyfriend when he says he loves you, ask a parent or a trusted friend for advice.

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Listening to His Words

1
Listen for his use of the word "we" rather than "I". When someone loves you, he considers you when he's thinking about his daily life. When he makes plans for the future, he includes you.
- Does he include you in his plans, or does he make plans for himself alone?
- When he talks to his friends or family on the phone, does he mention things you've done together? Does he let them know when he's with you? Or does he avoid talking to his friends when he's with you?
2
See if he apologizes when he's wrong. Some men have an easy time saying they're sorry, but their actions might not change. Some men refuse to say they're sorry, even when they're clearly in the wrong. Notice how your boyfriend reacts when he's done something hurtful or insensitive. Does he apologize?
- If someone apologizes easily, but seems to repeat the same behavior patterns, his apologies aren't very meaningful.
- A boyfriend who is stubborn may have a hard time apologizing for when he's wrong, but if he loves you he'll be uncomfortable until things are right between you again.
3
Check out whether his words match his actions. The boyfriend who says things that his actions don't back up is essentially untrustworthy. Someone whose actions and words doesn’t match has a disconnect with his thinking. This disconnect is demonstrated through his actions and words.^{[7]
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- When someone's words and actions don't match up, he isn't trustworthy. Even if he loves you, you won't be able to trust him.
- Many times, a boyfriend will try to explain away this disconnect through confessing his negative life experiences. This often has the result of girls feeling sorry for him and trying to help.
- Other times, someone caught in a disconnect will try to blame you. He'll turn your conversation around to accuse you of negative thinking. This is a warning sign.
4
Remember that saying "I love you" isn't enough. Someone who says, "I love you," but doesn't act in loving, caring ways doesn't really love you. The words "I love you" are sometimes used in dishonest, manipulative ways. When someone says, "I love you," consider if their actions match their words.^{[8]
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- If you aren't sure whether you should trust someone's words, ask a trusted person for help figuring it out. Maybe they've noticed something that you haven't.
- If you feel convinced your boyfriend really loves you, then you're ready to think about whether or not that's good enough for you. If your boyfriend loves you, it doesn't mean that you have to love him back.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How do you test if your boyfriend loves you?

John Keegan
Dating Coach
John Keegan is a dating coach and motivational speaker based in New York City. He runs The Awakened Lifestyle, where he uses his expertise in dating, attraction, and social dynamics to help people find love. He teaches and holds dating workshops internationally, from Los Angeles to London and from Rio de Janeiro to Prague. His work has been featured in the New York Times, Humans of New York, and Men's Health.

John Keegan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

Look for these signs that your boyfriend might not be in love with you anymore: he isn't showing up for you the way he used to. He's not taking your calls or answering your texts. He's starting to pull away. He doesn't want to spend as much time with you or has too many excuses to not see you. He'd rather hang out with his friends than you. He's not as playful with you as he used to be.
Question

What if my boyfriend doesn't speak to me?

Community Answer

Ask him what's going on. He's probably bothered by something else and does not realize you are affected by it. You're in a relationship, and one of the pro's for that is that you should always be there for each other. And most importantly, listen.
Question

I always call my boyfriend rather than him calling me. This makes me feel sad but if I complain it starts an argument. What can I do?

Community Answer

Tell him your feelings without blaming him for them. Tell him you fear that the relationship is one-sided. If he values you, your happiness will be important to him, and he should make an effort to please you.

Warnings

If you find yourself regularly doing things you don't want to do, or saying things you don't want to say, because of your boyfriend, you might be in a bad relationship.

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Remember that abusive relationships take many shapes. If you aren't sure if you're being abused, consider doing some research into the warning signs of abuse.

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