How to Forgive Yourself

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References Approved

The path to forgiveness is not an easy one, especially when the person you’re trying to forgive is yourself. No matter the reason, focusing on self-awareness can help you fix the pains of the past. As you heal, understanding that life is a journey and not a sprint will help you ensure a better future.

Things You Should Know

Making a mistake doesn’t make you a bad person.
You can move forward by learning from the past and analyzing what you can do differently in the future.
It can be helpful to seek forgiveness from others, too, by taking responsibility for any wrongdoing and creating a plan to make amends.

Method 1

Method 1 of 5:

Practicing Self-Forgiveness

1
Diagnose why you need to forgive yourself. If we recognize we are to blame, we may feel guilt and a need for forgiveness. When you think of memories, they may create these uncomfortable feelings. To identify why it is you may feeling like this, ask yourself:
- Am I feeling this way because of the outcome of what I did makes me feel bad?
- Am I feeling this way because I am to blame for a bad outcome?
2
Accept that failures do not make you a bad person. Everyone fails at something at one point in her life or other. Do not think that failing at something - whether it be a job or relationship - makes you a bad person. As Bill Gates said: “It is fine to celebrate success, but it is more important to heed the lessons of failure.” ^{[1]
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Research source} Learning from one’s mistakes is a step of forgiving oneself.

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3
Do not be afraid to start anew.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} To really forgive yourself, do not be afraid to start from scratch. Learning to forgive yourself is not just learning to live with the past. It is learning from that experience. Take what you have learned and apply it to building a better you. ^{[3]
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4
Adapt a new mindset by learning from past mistakes. One way to move forward with yourself is to adapt from what you have learned. ^{[4]
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- Set goals yourself for the future that help to promote a better and stronger mindset. This look into the future may help you forgive yourself in the present by focusing on the positive changes you are able to make. ^{[5]
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- Whenever you feel guilt, follow the words of Les Brown, "Forgive yourself for your faults and mistakes and move on." This will help you whenever you make a mistake.

Method 2

Method 2 of 5:

Letting Go of the Past

1
Realize that no one is perfect. You may want to forgive yourself because of actions against another. You must first realize that you are not to blame for other people’s actions. We all make mistakes and we all have times in our life that we do not act our best. Realizing this may be the step you need to being the self-healing process.
2
Do not dwell on past mistakes.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Learning from past mistakes is good, but dwelling on them can stunt self-forgiveness. It may stop you from being aware of present realities. Your life may become stagnant as you find yourself obsessing about what you did or did not do. Instead, focus on the present and what you can do in the future to make a better life for yourself.
3
Plan for a bright future today by not being stifled by the past. Consider a “fix it and move on” approach to life. If you experience a similar encounter that caused you emotional turmoil in the past, focus on what you can control.
- Try and fix the issues that you know you can handle and try and let the rest of it go. You do not want to keep repeating the same mistakes. ^{[7]
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4
Learn to be mindful. Self-awareness of present actions can help for future healing. ^{[8]
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Research source} If you cultivate a strong sense of self and accept the actions you choose to take now, it will help you to build a better future and help you forgive past actions or reactions.
5
Investigate your past choices. You do not want to dwell on mistakes, but you must learn from them to move forward in a healthier way.
- One way to forgive yourself is to identify the trigger, or cause, of emotions in the first place. If you identify what you did in the first place, then you can change your outlook for the future.
- Ask yourself: “What did I do the first time, and what may I do to avoid the same outcome?” ^{[9]
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6
Identify situations where you feel strong emotions. This will help you directly pinpoint situations in which you feel uncomfortable. Once you’ve identified the situation, you can more easily plot out a solution. Ask yourself:
- Do I feel anxious or guilty when I approach my boss?
- Do I feel strong negative emotions when I talk with my significant other.
- Does spending time with my parents make me feel angry or upset?

Method 3

Method 3 of 5:

Communicating Forgiveness to Yourself and Others

1
Let people into your life. As the philosopher Derrida once said: “Forgiveness is often confounded, sometimes in a calculated fashion, with related themes: excuse, regret, amnesty, prescription, etc.” ^{[10]
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Research source}.
- Forgiveness is a two-way street. You may not be able to forgive yourself unless you learn to forgive others. You may need to let others into your life to help give you the support and structure to forgive yourself.
- Talk to loved ones to support yourself while you grapple with self-forgiveness.
2
Outline a solution or plan.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} To forgive yourself, you must be aware of what you need to forgive. Writing out a detailed step-by-step guide may help you focus on what is important and give you the structure for an apology to yourself or others. ^{[12]
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Research source} Take into consideration the following aspects of creating a solution to ask forgiveness:
- Declare or ask for the apology using direct language. Do not step around the issue. Say “I’m sorry” or ask “Do you forgive me?” directly. You do not want to be ambiguous or come across as insincere.
- Investigate how you can actually fix a solution. If you are asking forgiveness from another, figure out specific actions that can help make amends. If you are forgiving yourself, ask yourself what steps you need to take to move forward with a healthier outlook on life.
- Promise yourself and others that you will strive to be better in the future. An apology is empty if you will not follow through with it. Make sure you do not repeat the same mistakes.
3
Ask forgiveness from others.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} If you ask for forgiveness for others, you will feel better about yourself.
- Sometimes, clearing the air can help to resolve an existing issue. It may also help to show that you were internalizing a bigger issue than was actually present. ^{[14]
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  Research source} Asking for forgiveness has been proven to bring more favorable outcomes and provide stronger relationships

Method 4

Method 4 of 5:

Taking Responsibility For Your Actions

1
Be honest with yourself about your actions. Before you can forgive yourself completely, you first need to acknowledge your actions.
- It may help to write down your actions that you have strong feelings about. This will help pinpoint concrete examples of why you have negative feelings about yourself.
2
Stop rationalizing, and start taking responsibility for what you say and do. One way to be honest to yourself is to accept the consequences of your actions. If you have done or said something wrong, you need to own the action before forgiving yourself for it.
- One way to achieve this is by letting go of stress. The more stress you hold inside of you, the more damage you do to yourself.
- Stress can sometimes lead you to releasing your anger out and harm yourself and others around you, but if you forgive yourself the anger will be gone and the bad stuff will be gone. The result is that you are more concentrated and better about the positive instead of the negative.
3
Accept the guilt that you are feeling. Accepting responsibility is one thing, but understanding the emotions behind is another thing. Feeling strong emotions like guilt is not only common, but also good. Feeling guilt will encourage you to take action for yourself and others. ^{[15]
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Research source}.
- You may be feeling guilty over your own thoughts. You may have thoughts of wishing pain or misfortune on others. You may feel things like lust or greed.
- If you are overwhelmed by these guilty feelings, know that they are common. Your guilt may stem from these strong emotions; it is best to confront them and acknowledge why you are feeling this way. Only by doing this may you move on to forgiving yourself.
- You may be judging yourself (or others) too harshly out of guilt. You may be taking out your feelings on yourself and others, making you feel guilty for your actions. You may blame others out of insecurities and increase the feeling of guilt.
- If you find yourself blaming others, take a step back and acknowledge why you say these things. It may help you on the path to self-forgiveness.
- You may be taking on guilt because of another’s action. It is not uncommon for a couple to feel guilt over his/her significant other’s actions. You might feel guilty over a spouse’s actions or insecurities.
- You should identify why you feel this way to realize if you should forgive yourself or another person. ^{[16]
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4
Identify self-values and self-beliefs. Before you can forgive yourself, you must identify what it is you value and what it is you believe. ^{[17]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} Take a moment to think about how you might atone for what you feel guilty for. Think about how you might make an actual difference. These actions may be based on a spiritual belief system, or based on societal demands.
5
Analyze your needs versus your wants. One way to forgive yourself for feelings of inadequacies to is to identify what you need in your life versus what you want.
- Identify both concrete needs - such as shelter, food, and social needs - and compare them with concrete wants - nicer car, bigger house, nicer body. Identifying these needs vs. wants may help you realize that perhaps you were too hard on yourself or perhaps things are out of your control. ^{[18]
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Method 5

Method 5 of 5:

Challenge Yourself to Do Good

1
Become a better person through personal challenges. To stop yourself from sliding back into a situation of doubt and guilt, design small challenges that will help you become a better person.^{[19]
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- You can do this by setting a routine for a month on something you want to improve. By doing something for a month - like tracking calories - you will begin to develop a helpful routine to improvement. This will help you self-actualize forgiveness by acting in a positive way.
2
Work on identified faults. Try and give yourself a performance review to identify measurable means of self-improvement.
- If you find yourself feeling guilty over procrastinating, for example, make a to-do list and try to stick with it. It is important to identify things that you can control. This will benefit self-forgiveness by self-improvement.
3
Practice self-awareness. Self-awareness is the ability to predict consequences of our actions. ^{[20]
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Research source} Thinking about ourselves and our actions can help us be better people by creating a self-imposed morality. You can practice self-awareness by noting your strengths, observing your reactions to situations, and expressing your emotions. ^{[21]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How can I forgive myself after hurting someone?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Shift from blaming yourself for the incident to moving forward and learning from your actions. Take some time to really think about how to handle similar situations in the future and be sure to apologize to the person you hurt if you haven't already.

Warnings

Don't force yourself to hang around people who bring back the past for you in a negative way; people who push your buttons, devalue or belittle you, and who are thoughtless about your vulnerabilities are best left behind.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
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Avoid talking about your wrongdoings and how bad a person you are around other people. You will create this reality in their minds too. Get therapy to get this negative thinking out of your head and back into the Pandora's Box it came from.

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Stay away from people who have a tendency to sabotage efforts at self-improvement. Most of the time these people are focused on salvaging their own insecurities and are threatened by seeing someone else making the effort to overcome negative pressure in their life. Accept that forgiving yourself will sometimes lose certain relationships where your negativity was a source of the other person wielding power over you. Ask yourself if you'd rather continue the unhappy relationship or move on as a whole, and renewed person able to connect with healthier people.

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Forgiveness is the hardest quality to shape and yet it is the most essential. In learning about your own ability to forgive both yourself and others, your personal growth will be great, and that's a reward worth the hard work forgiveness requires of you.

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