How to Forgive Yourself After Hurting Someone

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: December 14, 2021 References

When you hurt someone that you love, it’s important to seek their forgiveness in hopes of moving on. However, in order to move on completely, you also have to forgive yourself, which can be a little harder. We’ve put together a few tips to get you started on the path to self-forgiveness so you can let go of your guilt and keep living your life.

1

Learn from your mistakes.

Turn it into a lesson so you don’t do it again in the future. What led you to make the mistake that you made? Were you doing it out of fear or anger? If you can catch yourself before you hurt someone else, maybe it wasn’t all for nothing.^{[1]
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- For instance, maybe you said something insulting to your partner during an argument. If you reacted out of anger, take that as a sign to slow down and calm your emotions before reacting next time.
- Or, maybe you blew someone off when they asked to hang out because you were afraid of making a close connection with someone new.

2

Turn guilt into gratitude.

Be thankful for the opportunity to learn from mistakes. This may sound strange, but reframing the way you look at mistakes or guilt can help you forgive yourself and grow. Remind yourself that every mistake is an opportunity to learn, and to be grateful for that tool as a way of growing. Tell yourself, "I am thankful for the opportunity to make mistakes, to learn, to grow, and to become a better person."^{[2]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}

3

Take responsibility for your actions.

Admit to yourself that you were in the wrong. While it might feel painful now, it will help you move on faster and forgive yourself quicker. If there’s anyone in your life that you trust, you could even open up to them about what happened.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- It can be as simple as saying “Yes, I did that,” or, “I take responsibility for what I did.”
- It’s important to not make excuses, either. Even if you think you had a good reason, it doesn’t negate the fact that you hurt someone.

4

Ask the person you hurt for forgiveness.

If they forgive you, it will be easier to forgive yourself. Reach out to them and ask if you can meet up to talk. Sincerely apologize and admit that what you did was wrong, and acknowledge that you hurt their feelings.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- Apologize in-person if possible. See if there is a way to talk with them one-on-one rather than in public. If in-person isn't possible, then a phone call is the next best thing.
- For example, let's say that you ignored your best friend who was going through a really hard time with her family because you wanted to spend the weekend with your new boyfriend. When you do talk with her, say, "I'm sorry for not being there for you. I realize now that ignoring your calls and not telling you what I was doing was wrong."

5

Do what you can to repair the damage.

Sometimes words just aren’t enough. If you’ve asked the person for forgiveness and they aren’t ready yet, try making it up to them in other ways. If you aren’t sure how, just ask them if there’s anything you can do that will make them feel better.^{[5]
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- For instance, if you forgot to pick your little brother up from school, you could promise to pick him up every day and get him ice cream for a week.

6

Ask yourself why you behaved the way that you did.

Figure out your motives so you can avoid it in the future. Were you upset with the person or with yourself? Were your needs being met, or not being met, by the person you hurt? Exploring your behavior will help you to move forward.^{[6]
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- Consider writing about your motives as a way to open yourself up to your emotions and behavior.
- For example, let’s say you lied to your significant other. You felt like you wanted to protect them, but instead hurt them worse. Do you have difficulty talking with your partner? Are you afraid to open up to them fully because you think they’ll leave?

7

Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes.

Acceptance can be hard, but it will help you heal.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Remember that no one is perfect. Sometimes we hurt others by accident, and we have to find a way to move on. Rather than repressing or ignoring what you feel, see acceptance as a form of catharsis.^{[8]
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- For example, let's say that you had a really busy day at work, and forgot that you had plans to meet with your sister after work. When you realize what's happened, you call your sister. Take ownership of your mistake.
- When you have negative thoughts about yourself and who you hurt, tell yourself, “I accept my mistakes. I have learned from them.”

8

Challenge your negative thoughts.

Your brain might be telling you things that aren’t true. If you find yourself thinking things like “I’m a terrible person” or “I’m not good enough,” ask yourself if there’s any proof of that. When you catch your negative thoughts and push back on them, you can work toward treating yourself with kindness.^{[9]
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- Your negative thoughts are not necessarily the truth. Just because you think "I'm a terrible friend," that doesn't make it true. Try making a list of all the ways that you have been a good friend in the past.
- Soften your criticism. It is good to be self-critical sometimes, but not to the point where you can't move forward and forgive yourself, or if it is ruining your self-esteem. When you think "I'm a terrible friend," stop and restate it in a softer (and more truthful) way. "I hurt my friend's feelings, but it was unintentional and I have apologized. I'm a human and I make mistakes."
- When you begin to criticize yourself, ask yourself if you would say those things to a friend. Would you ever tell your friend they were a terrible person because they made a mistake? Treat yourself like you are your own best friend.

9

Focus on the future instead of the past.

Reliving the past will make forgiving yourself harder. While you can’t change what’s already happened, you can look forward to the future. Try to hone in on your next steps instead of replaying your mistake over and over again in your mind.^{[10]
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- Remind yourself that just because you messed up this time doesn’t mean you have to mess up again in the same way.

10

Write about your feelings.

Journaling can be very therapeutic. Letting out your feelings of guilt, remorse, and self-hate may help you to ultimately let go. Set aside 5 to 10 minutes per day to get it all out and work through your feelings one by one. You don't need to worry about spelling, grammar, or even making sense when you journal—just think of it as a way to work out what you're feeling, which may be messy.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.}
- Journal about the incident and who you hurt. Think about any other similar incidents that have happened recently and their consequences.

11

Strengthen your relationships with others.

Focus on making them stronger and better than they were before. While you can’t change the past, you can control your own actions for the future. Prioritize the present and show your love to others.^{[12]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Communicate that you care about those most important in your life.
- Make them feel special by complimenting them, and telling them in words what you think they are doing well.
- Spend more time with those you value in your life. Talk with them about what you’re feeling. Get their advice about how to move forward.

12

Talk to someone you trust.

Reach out to friends or family members. They can be a good listening ear as you work through your emotions surrounding forgiveness. You never know—they might even have some solid advice to give you, too.^{[13]
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- Try to only chat with people you trust 100%. It’s no fun to be the center of gossip, which could happen if you spill the beans to someone who isn’t trustworthy.

13

Volunteer to give back to the community.

Make up for your actions in other areas of life. If you feel like you can’t make amends with the person you’ve hurt but you’re still emotionally hurting, then give back to others as a way to make amends. Give you time, money, or resources to communities in need and those who could benefit from your support. Even if you can’t fix the hurt between you and the person, you can possibly make a difference in someone else’s life. Consider ways to volunteer and give back to these groups:^{[14]
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- Local non-profits
- Neighbors or people in need within your neighborhood
- Faith-based groups such as your local church or place of worship
- Co-workers or classmates who are having a difficult time

14

Talk to a mental health professional.

It can be really hard to forgive ourselves for mistakes. If you continue to feel depressed, upset, or guilt-ridden for weeks or longer, then consider talking with a professional who can help you cope with your feelings and provide pathways for self-forgiveness. Therapists and counselors can help you work through your emotions in a healthy way.^{[15]
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Trustworthy Source
Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
Go to source}
- Find if your health insurance provider has a list of therapists that are in-network. You may be able to get some affordable options through your health insurance.
- Seek out local therapists or counseling centers in your community. Ask about sliding scale or low cost options.
- Consider joining a support group. There are many kinds of support groups depending on what you’re facing—depression, grief and loss, divorce, and many others. This can help you feel less alone in your feelings of guilt.

Expert Q&A
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Question

What should I do if I hurt someone's feelings?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Professional Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Professional Therapist

Expert Answer

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First, you should apologize to them and ask them to forgive you. If you have a hard time forgiving yourself, try journaling about how you're feeling so you can try and understand it better.