How to Let Go of Deep Regrets (Even When It Feels Impossible)

A complete guide to forgiving yourself and finding relief from regret

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS and Caroline Heiderscheit

Last Updated: January 11, 2023 References Approved

Regret: it can make us feel helpless, ashamed, or at a loss for how to proceed. But, in truth, most of us make major mistakes in our lifetime—so how can we find a way to finally move on? Here's the good news: there are so many little-known, science-backed techniques that can help you effectively move past feelings of guilt and regret. That way, you can get back to living the life you deserve. To discover expert tips that'll change the way you live your life, read on.

Things You Should Know

Identify and process your feelings to start moving on. For instance, journal about your emotions and reflect on how you'll cope with them.
Distract yourself with positive outlets, like your close relationships and a worthwhile goal. This can help you redirect obsessive thoughts.
Know that you deserve self-forgiveness and self-compassion. Do your best to treat yourself like you would a close friend who made a mistake.

1

Identify your emotions to start healing.

Own your feelings, and you’ll gain more power over them. Big feelings (like those caused by major regrets) can be overwhelming—you might feel lost and out of control. But by naming your feelings, you’ll force yourself to realize that they’re just that: feelings. Now, you’re empowered to find relief from them. Try to be specific. If it helps, write your feelings down or say them out loud.^{[1]
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- Take a moment to reflect. Here are some examples of big emotions you might be feeling: sad, tense, overwhelmed, ashamed, or guilty.
- Now, identify your feelings clearly in thoughts, on paper, or in words: “I’m feeling a little hopeless and embarrassed.”
- Remind yourself that feelings don’t control you: “This is a temporary state of mind. I know how to express and process my emotions so they don’t run my life.”

2

Practice self-love.

Challenge negative self beliefs because you deserve compassion. The truth is, everyone makes mistakes. Regret can sometimes make you feel like a failure, or like you don’t deserve understanding—but this isn’t true. Seek to understand your past choices, even ones you regret. When unforgiving, intrusive thoughts pop into your head, challenge them. All in all, do your best to treat yourself like you would a best friend.^{[2]
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- What feelings, thoughts, or limitations contributed to your decision? If someone else had made your choice in your shoes, could you understand why they’d have done it?
- Fight off negative self-beliefs. For instance, if you catch yourself thinking, “I’m a weak person,” you might remind yourself that you work hard every day to do right by yourself and others.
- Try to comfort yourself like you would a pal: “I’m a good person. I’m doing my best, and that’s amazing—at the end of the day, that’s all anyone can ask of me.”

3

Look for a silver lining.

Brainstorm ways that your actions might’ve benefited you or others. No choice is totally perfect or totally wrong, even if our brains trick us into thinking this sometimes. Remind yourself that even though you regret your choice, some good things still came from it. For example, look for lessons that your decision might’ve led you to. Here are a few examples:
- Maybe you regret your divorce, but as a result, you have the freedom to move anywhere you want to; but before, this might not have been an option.^{[3]
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- Say you wish you hadn’t been a bad friend to someone. Now, though, as a result, you’ve finally learned to really value your important relationships.
- You probably still wish you’d acted differently. But with any choice you’d have made, there would be positives as well as negatives—there’s power in recognizing this.

4

Accept what you can’t control.

Regret is sometimes a way for us to try to take power over old experiences. The truth is though, we can’t change the past. At any given moment, the best you can do is to try and make the most out of what you have in front of you. This might sounds easier said than done, but there are actually so many ways to become more comfortable with the fact that the past is out of your hands.^{[4]
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- Focus on honoring your values. Your life will feel more meaningful if you’re focused on your values—maybe family or service are top priorities. Do your best to incorporate them in your routine.
- Set goals. You can control the future in front of you—focus on that. A new career, relationship, or home might be a fulfilling new goal. Start working towards it!
- Redirect obsessive thoughts. Punishing yourself with ruminations doesn’t serve anyone, yourself included. When you start to spiral, pick up the phone, grab a crossword, or turn on the TV.

5

Ask for forgiveness from others.

Making amends can help you find relief (while offering someone else closure). First, reflect on whether or not your apology would genuinely help the other person (if they have asked you not to reach out, for example, then you should respect that). Next, offer an apology and ask for forgiveness. Finally, if you can, plan on ways to treat them better in the future.^{[5]
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- It probably doesn't make sense to reach out to someone you haven’t spoken to since childhood. A more recent friend, though, might really appreciate your apology.
- Offer your apology but ask nothing in return: "I really regret what happened. For what it's worth, I wish I'd treated you better."
- Then, support your words with actions and commitment: "I wasn't there for you when you needed it, but I promise to support you better in the future."

6

Reach out to people who can relate.

Bonding over shared experiences can help you ease your pain. Regret can make you feel totally alone, even though in all likelihood, other people have gone through exactly what you are now. Reach out to friends or join support groups to find some helpful comradery. Talking through your issues with people who understand your experience can make a world of difference.^{[6]
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- You might have made friends who regret breakups or missed professional opportunities—reach out to them.
- There’s such a huge range of support groups that exist today. Search online for groups in your area, or for addiction, search with SAMHSA.
- A lot of people are wary of support groups, but research shows that they can work wonders. Even if you’re unsure, why not give it a try?

7

Journal regularly.

Write your feelings down, and you’ll find it easier to sort through them. Regret can make you feel tangled up in difficult emotions like grief or shame. But sort of like shadows on the wall, most of those feelings are more manageable than they seem at times. Write down your experience, feelings, and thoughts—over time, you’ll see that these feelings pass. And some thoughts you have about your situation are untrue or unfair.^{[7]
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- Try a morning journal session to start your day off on the right foot. If you notice that you’re having a particularly tough emotional day, treat yourself to a nice breakfast or sunny walk.
- When, through journaling, you notice that you’re having a great day, soak that in! In fact, list things you’re grateful for—this can make you feel more positive over time.
- Do your best not to judge yourself for whatever ends up on the page. This is a safe space that you created for yourself—honor that!

8

Throw yourself into positive hobbies and relationships.

Distracting yourself can help you manage ruminations over time. When you wake up and feel a little too overwhelmed, fill your day with positive, enjoyable activities. Your passions and healthy relationships can help you ground yourself. Sometimes, a nice jog or a great cup of coffee can, strangely, do an amazing job turning the tides of your day. Try these ideas below:^{[8]
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- Get into exercise. Even just a little movement can have big benefits—go for a nice walk, enjoy a bike ride, or try out a little yoga with an online guide.
- Reach out to that friend who always makes you feel amazing (maybe they make you laugh, maybe they support you super well—either way, they’re great for bad days!).
- Put extra effort into your career. Take on an exciting new project, learn a new skill, or chase down a new job title.

9

Speak to a therapist.

Professional help can be key to overcoming regret. Just like you might need help from a doctor when you’re battling physical health issues, it makes sense that you might need a therapist when you’re struggling through a tough emotional battle. Schedule a 1:1 appointment, or if you need something more affordable, try group therapy. With expert advice, you might find it easier to remove regret from your heart.^{[9]
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- Ask your friends for references. This can help you find someone great (and feel more comfortable going in, too).
- If you don’t jive super well with the first therapist you try, don’t give up. For a lot of people, it takes a few tries to find a professional that really helps.

10

Forgive yourself.

You deserve to move on, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone battles regret. Even if you feel that your regrets are larger than most, you still deserve to accept what’s happened, understand your own motivations, and finally, forgive. Though you might not be able to forget something you regret, you can process it and move on. Try this tips below:^{[10]
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- Acknowledge the steps you’ve taken to improve things. Have you apologized? Have you tried to be better? Don’t ignore this; reflect on how hard it was to do these things.
- Think about who your regret serves. It’s not helping you, and it’s probably not helping anyone else, either. It might feel selfish to let go, but in reality, it’s not.
- Decide to forgive yourself. It might sound simple, but commit to this like any other life goal, and you’ll find it’s that much easier to do.

11

Give yourself time.

Forgiveness won’t happen overnight, and that’s okay. Some of the most worthwhile journeys in life take a little time and hard work to make a reality. You may not shake the worst of your regrets this week or next, but trust that if you focus on self-compassion and finding perspective, it will come eventually. Take a deep breath and remember: you’re on the road to relief. Read these quotes for more support:^{[11]
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- “The more you know yourself, the more you forgive yourself.”
- “The simple truth is, we all make mistakes, and we all deserve forgiveness.”
- “The only true way to create a more loving, productive, and fulfilling life is by forgiving the past.”