How to Forgive Someone Who Traumatized You

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 29, 2022 References

After the initial hurt of being traumatized by someone, you’re left with the question of whether or not to forgive them (and how to do it). Forgiving someone who has hurt you can lead to fewer negative emotions and more healing in your own life.^{[1]
X
Research source} If you’ve made the decision to forgive someone in your life, read through these steps to see how you can get started.

This article is based on an interview with our clinical psychologist and published author, Asa Don Brown. Check out the full interview here.

1

Accept what happened so you can move forward.

Accepting trauma doesn’t mean excusing it or forgetting it. In your own head, make sure you recognize that something traumatizing happened to you and that you are still feeling a range of emotions about it.^{[2]
X
Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} Acceptance allows you to make peace with what happened, which can help you forgive the person for your own benefit.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- Try not to explain it away, and don’t make excuses for the person who traumatized you. It might help to say it out loud, like, “I’ve been traumatized by this person, and I need to work through that.”

2

Give yourself time to work through your emotions.

You probably won’t be able to forgive someone right away. It takes time to grieve and process everything after experiencing a trauma.^{[4]
X
Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} There’s no set timeline for how long it might take to work through your feelings. Go as slowly or as quickly as you’d like to.^{[5]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- It's normal to feel sad, angry, and confused after a traumatic incident.
- You don’t need to get rid of these feelings altogether before you’re ready to forgive someone. Forgiveness is a decision, not an emotion.^{[6]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Evan Parks, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 26 October 2021.}
- Think about what forgiveness means to you so you'll know what you're working toward. For instance, you may give up the idea that they need to pay for what they've done so you can stop ruminating on it.^{[7]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Evan Parks, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 26 October 2021.}

3

Write your feelings in a letter or journal.

Putting your emotions into words can help you navigate them. Sit down and write about what you used to feel, how you feel now, and what you think forgiveness will give you.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.} Keep the letter private and don’t show it to anyone else.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- Forgiveness can be really cathartic, and it can help you let go of feelings like sadness and anger.

4

Talk it through with a friend.

A third-party opinion can help you work out how to forgive someone. If you have anyone close enough that you trust with this info, have a conversation with them about what happened and why you’re trying to forgive the person now. They may be able to give you advice, but they can also just be a listening ear.^{[10]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- If you don’t want to talk with a friend about it, consider opening up to a mental health professional.

5

Empathize with the person, if possible.

Try to see things from their perspective. If you were in their position, would you have done something similar? Even if you can’t put yourself in their shoes entirely, seeing it from their point of view can make it easier to forgive them. You might gain a little insight into why they did what they did, which could help you understand them.^{[11]
X
Trustworthy Source
Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
Go to source}
- For instance, maybe the person who hurt you was under extreme stress at the time. Or, maybe they didn’t know how to express themselves so they took their emotions out on you.
- This doesn’t excuse what they did, nor does it mean that you think it was right. Understanding their perspective can simply help you move forward and let go of the pain they caused you.^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 3 February 2022.}

6

Be patient with yourself.

Forgiveness isn’t going to happen instantly. Try to remember that forgiveness is a multi-step process that could take a long time. Even when you make the decision to forgive someone, you might still have some work to do in order to get there.^{[13]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Try to be kind to yourself throughout the entire process, and don’t hold yourself to any unrealistic standards.

7

Let go of any expectations you might have.

Offering forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean the person will change. When you make the choice to forgive someone, you should do it for yourself. Forgiveness might help improve your relationship or offer the other person some relief, but it’s not guaranteed. Don’t expect the other person to give you an apology or change their behavior, since you could end up disappointed.^{[14]
X
Trustworthy Source
Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
Go to source}
- Forgiving someone can often improve your relationship with others, since working through trauma usually changes you for the better.

8

Decide whether or not to tell the person you forgive them.

It may be in your best interest to keep your forgiveness to yourself. If the person who traumatized you hasn’t shown any remorse or even said they’re sorry, they might not react well to you telling them you forgive them. On the other hand, if they’ve apologized to you and you’d like to reconcile your relationship, it might be worth approaching them.^{[15]
X
Trustworthy Source
Johns Hopkins Medicine
Official resource database of the world-leading Johns Hopkins Hospital
Go to source}
- If you haven’t contacted the person who traumatized you in a while, there’s no need to do so just to tell them you forgive them. Talking to someone like that can put more stress on you than it’s worth.
- You don't have to have a relationship with this person just because you forgave them—especially if they haven't changed the behavior that hurt you in the first place.^{[16]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Evan Parks, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 26 October 2021.}
Expert Answer

Q

Is it good to forgive and forget?

Evan Parks, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Evan Parks is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and an Adjunct Assistant Professor at The Michigan State University College of Human Medicine. With over 25 years of experience, he specializes in helping people manage chronic pain through the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Approach at Mary Free Bed Rehabilitation Hospital. He also has experience working with others on topics ranging from stress management to mental flexibility. Dr. Parks is also the author of Chronic Pain Rehabilitation: Active Pain Management That Helps You Get Back to the Life You Love. Dr.Parks holds a BA in Theology from Cedarville University, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Western Michigan University, and a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from The Forest Institute of Professional Psychology.

EXPERT ADVICE

Answer from Evan Parks, PsyD:

Forgiveness is good, but it doesn't actually mean forgetting what happened and never thinking about the problem again. When we forgive, we are willing to carry with us the pain another person has caused without wishing for them to suffer as we have suffered. Forgiveness is not a one-time act but something we continually do.

9

Forgive them but make your boundaries clear.

Clear boundaries can help prevent future incidents with this person. If you’re still in contact with the person who traumatized you, make sure they know that just because you forgave them doesn’t mean they can hurt you again. Set your own boundaries and stand up for yourself if they’re being violated.^{[17]
X
Research source}
- You might want to limit contact with this person, at least initially. For instance, if you used to see them in person often, stick to phone calls and text messages for now.
- In cases of severe trauma, you may need to cut contact with them for good. Forgiveness is something you can do on your own without talking to the other person at all.
- You could also remind the person that you forgave them once, but you might not be able to forgive them again.

10

Talk to a mental health professional if you need to.

Forgiveness is hard, and it may not come easy. If you’re wracked with feelings of anger, sadness, or guilt, a therapist can help you work through your emotions in a healthy way. They can also help you figure out the best way to forgive someone who has hurt you in the past without sacrificing your own values or beliefs.^{[18]
X
Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}

Expert Q&A

Question

Does forgiveness heal trauma?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Definitely! Forgiveness has the ability to allow healing to occur and let the wound transform into a scar, which is a reminder of a wound that is no longer festering and capable of causing you pain.
Question

Why is forgiveness so very important?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

The consequences of leaving something unforgiven not only affects you, but the people around you. When you retain resentment for someone else, you end up containing anger, hostility, and a barrage of emotional wounds that are left unhealed. Pain that's left unchecked can manifest into a variety of physiological and psychological disorders—likewise, pain left unchecked can have an effect upon your perceptions and worldviews, which in turn has an effect on the people who are in your inner circle.
Question

What to do when you don't want to forgive someone?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Think about what a lack of forgiveness means for you in the long term. If you feel this way, you're holding onto pain that will have a deep impact on your life. Forgiveness allows your grudges, bitterness, and resentment to go away, which allows you to come to a place of peace and personal acceptance. Remember—forgiveness doesn't allow someone to get away with what they've done; instead, it allows those painful events to be removed from your mind and body.