How to Deal With Parents

Co-authored by William Gardner, PsyD and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: April 2, 2022 References

You probably love your parents very much, but that doesn’t mean they don’t annoy you sometimes. If you’ve recently had a fight with your parents, try to calm down before you talk to them again. Additionally, talk to your parents often so that it’s easier to tell them when something is wrong or you want them to change a rule. It’s also a good idea to work on improving your relationship by being reliable and spending time with your parents.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Cooling Down after a Fight

1
Spend some time alone so you can feel better. After a fight, go to your room, sit outside, or go for a walk. Take this time to think about what happened and how you feel about it. This gives you time to process your feelings and release any negative emotions that you’re feeling.
- Light exercise might help you feel better faster. You might go for a walk or do yoga in your room.
Tip: If you’re really upset, call a friend or someone you trust to vent your feelings.
2
Take deep breaths to help you calm down quickly. An argument with your parents might cause your heart to race and your breathing to get faster. Fortunately, you can relax this response with deep breathing. Place your hand over your stomach. Then, slowly draw air down into your lungs. Your stomach should expand under your hand. Do this for 5-10 breaths.^{[1]
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- As another option, inhale to a 5 count, then hold your breath as you count to 5. Next, slowly exhale to a 5 count. Repeat 5 times.
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3
Meditate for 10 minutes to help you ground yourself. Meditation helps calm your mind and triggers your body’s relaxation response. Sit or stand in a comfortable position. Then, close your eyes, clear your mind, and focus on your breath. When your mind wanders, bring your thoughts back to your breath.^{[2]
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- It helps to count your breaths to help keep your mind from wandering.
- If you like, repeat a mantra to yourself as you meditate, such as “peace,” “calm,” or “relax.”
4
Write in your journal to help you process your thoughts. After a big fight with your parents, it’s normal to feel upset, frustrated, and angry. Journaling can help you work through your emotions and make sense of what happened. Write down what happened and how you feel about it.^{[3]
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- Keep your journal in a notebook or on your computer.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Talking to Your Parents

1
Pick a time when you are both calm. It’s hard to have a good conversation when you’re upset. Wait until you and your parents have all had a chance to cool down. Then, sit down to talk about how you feel and what you need from them.^{[4]
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- It’s helpful to schedule a time to talk. For instance, you might say to your parents, “I really need to talk to you. Do you think you’ll have a few minutes after dinner to sit and talk with me?”
- If you know your parents had a stressful day, it’s likely best to wait until another time.
2
Listen to what your parents have to say. It might be hard sometimes, but do your best to calmly listen to your parents’ view on what’s happening. As you listen, try to figure out what their main reasons are for feeling the way they do. This will help you understand what concerns you need to address.^{[5]
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- After your parents stop talking, try to paraphrase what they said back to them so you’re all on the same page. Say, “It sounds like you’re worried I’m going to fall behind on my school work if I go out on the weekend,” or “It sounds like you think I’m dating someone who’s too old for me.”
3
Explain how you feel to help your parents understand you. You probably have days when in seems like your parents don’t understand you at all. This might be true, especially if you have a hard time opening up to them. To help your parents understand you better, tell them how you feel and what’s going on in your life. Then, discuss what you hope they’ll do to help you.^{[6]
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- You might say, “Right now I feel really overwhelmed with school. To make things worse, my friends are all hanging out without me because I’m not allowed to go to parties. I know you’re worried about me, but I’m old enough to make responsible decisions. I’m hoping you’ll let me go to parties with my friends if I check in often.”
- You could also say, “I know my grades have gone down a lot this semester, and I’m just as upset as you guys. I’ve been feeling really depressed these past few months, so it’s hard to concentrate. Also, I’m having trouble keeping up with my assignments. I want to make positive changes, but I’m not sure where to start. I’m worried that you’ll just punish me instead of helping me get better.”
4
Respond calmly when your parents say something upsetting. Your parents are probably going to say the wrong thing sometimes, but it’s important that you keep your cool. They’re more likely to listen to you if you don’t yell or snap at them. If your parents are being rude, mean, or insensitive, let them talk. Then, calmly state how they made you feel.^{[7]
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- For instance, let’s say you failed an important test and your parent yells, “You should be embarrassed by this grade! You’re being so lazy!” This would be so hurtful to hear! You might respond with, “I feel really bad about this grade, and it hurts my feelings that you’d call me lazy. I studied really hard for this test, but I must not have understood the material.”
- Similarly, let’s say you have a date and your parent disapproves. They might say, “You’re going to get with this loser and ruin your whole future.” You might reply, “I understand you’re worried, but it hurts my feelings that you think that way. I’m a smart, hardworking person, so please don’t assume the worst of me.”
5
Try to see things from your parents’ point-of-view. It’s likely that your parents want the best for you and that they’re trying to keep you from making mistakes. However, that can make them be overly strict sometimes, which is super annoying. When your parents are irritating you or being unreasonable, think about how you would feel in their place. Then, look for positive motives for their decisions.^{[8]
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- For instance, let’s say your parents won’t let you go to a music festival with your friends. That can be so frustrating, especially if everyone you know is going. However, you might recognize that they’re only making that decision because they’re worried you might get hurt at the festival.
- Similarly, your parents might constantly annoy you about your grades and homework. While this might be irritating, you might consider that they’re just trying to help you succeed in school and set yourself up for a bright future.
6
Discuss casual topics with your parents so you have better communication. It might be really hard to talk to your parents, especially if you’ve been arguing a lot. If this is the case, look for fun, easy topics you can talk about with your parents. Then, try to have at least one conversation with them every day. This will help you communicate with them better.^{[9]
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- For example, let’s say you and your parents both enjoy watching a local sports team. You might talk to them about how the team is performing or which players you like best.
- If you have a pet, tell your parents stories about you and your pet.
- Talk about what you’re watching on TV, what you’re studying, or what you plan to do over the weekend.
Tip: The more you talk to your parents, the easier it will be. Telling them about mundane things in your life on a daily basis will make it easier to talk to them when something big comes up.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Improving Your Relationship

1
Follow the rules to build your parent’s trust. Sometimes rules feel too restrictive, but your parents set rules to help keep you safe. Do your best to obey all of your parents' rules. This will help build trust and shows them you’re reliable.^{[10]
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- If your parents trust you, they’ll likely be more open to changing the rules.
Variation: Sometimes your parents’ rules can feel totally unfair. This is especially true if your rules have been the same for years even though you’ve gotten older and more responsible. If this is the case, talk to your parents about revising the rules.
2
Keep all of your promises so your parents know you’re reliable. When you tell your parents you’re going to do something, it’s important that you follow through. This includes things like calling to tell them where you are, completing your chores, and doing your homework. Always do what you say so your parents know they can trust your word.^{[11]
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- For example, let’s say you tell your parents that you’ll clean your room so that they’ll stop nagging you. Make sure that you clean it! Otherwise, they’ll think they need to pester you more to get you to do things.
- Occasionally, something might come up that prevents you from doing what you promised. In this case, go to your parents immediately and tell them what’s going on. They’ll be more likely to understand if you talk to them first.
3
Check in with your parents so they know you’re okay. Your parents worry about you, especially when they don’t know where you are. Make it a habit to text or call your parents when you’re not at home. Tell them where you are, who you’re with, and that you’re okay. This may help them feel more comfortable giving you freedom.^{[12]
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- As an example, you might snap a photo with your friend in front of the movie theater if you're out seeing a movie. Then, text it to your parents with a message like, “At the movies with Alex to see the latest Marvel movie. Text you as soon as the movie lets out.”
4
Tell your parents when you make a mistake. You might feel really scared when you mess up, but everyone makes mistakes. Your parents know that, so be honest about what happened. As soon as you realize you’ve messed up, talk to your parents about what happened. Then, tell them what you plan to do in the future to make things better.^{[13]
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- You might say, “I forgot that my research paper was due today, so I’m going to lose points. I feel really mad at myself because I’ve been working so hard to keep my grades up. I’ve already submitted my late paper, and I’m going to start keeping a planner so this won’t happen again.”
5
Spend quality time with your parents so you grow closer. It’s normal to drift apart from your parents, especially when you’re a teen. However, spending extra time with them can help you feel more comfortable talking to them about problems, and it might help you show them you deserve more freedom. Ask your parents to do fun activities with you at least once a week so you can build a strong relationship.^{[14]
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- For instance, enjoy a family dinner, go bowling, play mini golf, play board games, or watch a movie together.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How do you deal with difficult parents?

William Gardner, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
William Gardner, Psy.D. is a Clinical Psychologist in private practice located in San Francisco, CA’s financial district. With over 10 years of clinical experience, Dr. Gardner provides individually tailored psychotherapy for adults using cognitive behavioral techniques, to reduce symptoms and improve overall functioning. Dr. Gardner earned his PsyD from Stanford University in 2009, specializing in evidence-based practices. He then completed a post-doc fellowship at Kaiser Permanente.

William Gardner, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

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If you're in a heated argument with your parents, let them know how you feel. If your parents are yelling at you, tell them that you don't like the way they're talking to you and that you'll try talking to them again tomorrow. Then you need to leave or hang up the phone. You are setting boundaries and letting your parents know you don't accept their behavior.