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This article was co-authored by Tasha Rube, LMSW. Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.
This article has been viewed 207,695 times.
So, you've just had a big fight with your mother and you've decided to lock yourself in your room and cut off all contact, but that isn't working either. Some days you may feel like you want to shut your mother out of your world completely. You shouldn't. This is one of the most significant relationships you have, and all it takes is to put in a little effort to make things right.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 2:
Thinking It Over
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1Take some time apart. Let your mother settle down, and give yourself time to think everything over. Get out of the house if you can, giving both of you the space you need to cool down. Spend time with friends or go for a walk to clear your head. If you are grounded and not allowed to leave home, try other methods to calm down, such as listening to music or talking to a close friend on the phone.
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2Examine your role in the fight. Chances are, if you and your mom had a disagreement, you may have said some horrible things to her like curse words or that she is ugly. Can you see aspects of the fight that were your fault? Did you break a rule? Say a curse word? Get bad grades in school? Or, are you upset with her because she won't give you permission to do something?[1]
- Think about your role in the fight and try to identify at least three things you know you did wrong. This will help you to build a genuine apology for her later.
- Sometimes fights happen when we are in a bad mood, tired, or hungry. Were any of these conditions relevant in your case? Did you fly off the handle with your mom simply because you have a bad day at school?
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3Try to see things from her perspective. Now that you have a better understanding of the fight and what may have gone wrong, try to view it from your mom's perspective. Was she tired from coming in after work? Is she sick or not feeling well? Did you blindside her with an accusation or offensive statement when she was preoccupied?
- For years, counselors have used a strategy to help people identify when they need self-care and avoid any heated discussions or decision-making. The acronym is HALT and it stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. Taking a good measure of your own and your mother's mood state in the future can prevent unnecessary disagreements.
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4Envision a role reversal. Oftentimes, teenagers and young adults may not understand their parents' train of thinking on certain decisions. The parents say "no" and that's all you hear. You don't see the underlying rationale for the decision. To help you better understand your mother's actions, imagine yourself in her shoes talking to your own child.[2]
- How would you have reacted in a similar fight with your child? Would you have said "yes" or "no"? Would you have tolerated your back talk or snide comments? Would you have listened to a counterargument when your child's safety was in question?
- Thinking about parenting from this point-of-view will help you to develop greater empathy for your mom, and also give you some insight into her decisions.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 2:
Improving Your Communication
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1Go to her and apologize. After both you and your mom have gotten some distance from the fight, seek her out to apologize. By now, you should have a new level of appreciation for her position as your parent. Go to your mom and ask if now is a good time to talk (being mindful of the HALT states).
- If she welcomes you to talk, start by saying you're sorry. Use one or two of those behaviors you identified as wrong to verbalize your apology. It might sound like this, "I am sorry I waited until the last minute to tell you about the money I needed for school."
- Next, include a remedy to the issue. The remedy might sound like, "I will try to give you advanced notice in the future when I need money for school things."
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2Tell her that you have tried to see things her way. Express to your mom that, after some deep thinking, you realized that you were inconsiderate or inappropriate during the fight. Give her a few points about the things you noted about your own behavior that were not helpful to the argument.[3]
- Your mom will probably be astounded that you took the time to consider her perspective. She may even view you as more mature.
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3Try to make her feel respected. Talking back, having an attitude, or refusing to listen can come off as disrespectful to your mom. Even if you don't think you did any of these things, your mom may have felt slightly disrespected after the argument. Do a few things to acknowledge your respect for her. Show respect by doing the following:
- Try to listen and pay attention when she speaks.
- Stop texting on your phone when she is talking.
- Acknowledge all the things she does for you.
- Share things with her that are happening in your life.
- Ask her opinion about important topics.
- Refrain from interrupting when she's talking.
- Do chores/tasks without her having to ask.
- Refer to her by the name she prefers (i.e. Mom or Mother).
- Avoid the use of curse words or confusing slang phrases in her presence.
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4Communicate your own feelings in a respectful way. Chances are, the fight may have left you feeling unheard. After you have listened to your mother and shown her that you can see things from her perspective, try to help her understand yours. Use "I" statements to take ownership for your feelings while minimizing the chances that your mom will get offended. Then, state your needs to your mom without putting down her position or beliefs.
- Consider that you and your mom were fighting about how often you've been going over your friend's house. You can say "I have been spending time with Whitney because she's really upset over her parents' divorce. I understand your concern. It would be great if you could work with me so I could be supportive of my friend and still get homework and chores done here."[4]
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5Discover a common interest. You might wonder what this has to do with getting over a fight with your mom. Well, finding an activity that you two share can help you to forge a closer bond with her and enhance the way you communicate with her. Spending time with your mom in a relaxed state, such as while watching a movie, going for a run, or gardening, may help you to see her as a person with many facets, just like you. As a result, you may earn a greater sense of respect and love for your mom.[5]
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Warnings
- Avoid using curse words or harsh language in an argument with your mom. Doing this is a sign of disrespect.⧼thumbs_response⧽
- Don't apologize to your mother until you have clearly identified your wrongdoing. If you do so before examining your role in the fight, the apology will not seem genuine.⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References
- ↑ http://classroom.synonym.com/stop-arguing-mother-18-7088.html
- ↑ http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/thought/talk_parents.html
- ↑ http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424052702303592404577361903649660464
- ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/problems/tips_disagree.html
- ↑ http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-fam-0519-family-hobbies-20150512-story.html
About This Article
Tasha Rube, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
This article was co-authored by Tasha Rube, LMSW. Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014. This article has been viewed 207,695 times.
Co-authors: 32
Updated: January 1, 2023
Views: 207,695
Categories: Dealing with Conflict with Parents
Article SummaryX
Tensions might be running high after a fight with your mom, but you can make things right by reflecting on your argument and talking to her about your feelings. Even though you might be steaming mad and want to keep yelling, take some time apart from your mom to cool down. Once you’re feeling calm, think back on the fight and try to see things from your mom’s perspective. Is there something you did that made the fight worse? Were there outside factors, like sickness or work stress, that might’ve made your mom act differently than usual? Ask her if it’s ok to talk and apologize for the things you did wrong. As you talk, show her respect by listening closely. By being respectful, it’ll make it easier to explain your feelings and reasonings without offending your mom. For more advice from our co-author, like how to bond with your mom after a fight, read on.
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