How to Deal With Your Step Mom

If your father has remarried, then you’ll have to learn how to deal with a stepmom. A new stepparent means change. Feeling a bit unstable because of this change is normal, but there are steps you can take to make the relationship work better.

Method 1
Method 1 of 3:

Handling Your Feelings

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    Talk to a counselor or therapist. Many people find talking to professionals about hard things can be helpful. Professionals have seen many different kinds of stepparent situations before. They’ll likely have practical suggestions on how to cope. A counselor or therapist that focuses specifically on children and teenagers can be a great resource for you.[1]
    • Professionals are people who aren’t personally involved with your situation, and who have years of expertise in helping people get through hard times.
    • They are outside the relationships that bind your family and can often help you understand your situation in a new way.
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    2
    Confide in your friends and family. The advantages of talking to your friends and family members about your stepmom is that you’re likely spending time and talking to them anyway - you don’t have to schedule a special time or go out of your way. Your friends and family will have a personal investment in your happiness.
    • Because your friends and family won’t be neutral about the situation with your stepmom, their advice might not be as helpful. The best advice often comes from people without a personal connection to the situation.
    • It’s best to have a combination of people, including friends, families, and professional counselors to help you.
    • If you are part of a faith community, consider asking an adult in this community for support. Many times priests, rabbis, ministers and others have training in counseling in addition to their religious education.
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    Talk to your dad. If you are unsure how to relate to your stepmom, ask your dad if you can sit down and discuss it with him. It’s best if you explain your frustrations clearly, without getting angry. Most likely, your father will have some good ideas. You might need to talk to your counselor or friend about the best ways to approach him. Consider the following:
    • ”Dad, I’m feeling confused and sad. It’s a lot harder to adjust to having a stepmom than I thought. Do you have any good ideas?”
    • ”I’m not sure how to treat my stepmom. She’s not my real mom, but she’s also not just your girlfriend anymore. What do you think I should do?”
    • ”I wanted to talk to you about some of the changes that are going on in our family. I’m feeling uncomfortable with my stepmom and I’m not sure what to do about it.”
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    4
    Remind yourself that you are valuable. Everything you say and do has value. When you understand that you are an important member of your family, you’re more likely to realize that your opinions matter.[2] If you are feeling unappreciated or undervalued, then speak up and let your parent and stepmom know.[3]
    • It’s natural to desire a sense of safety and security. This comes when you have a feeling that you are seen and valued.
    • Most people want to feel like their emotions and ideas are important to the people in their household. If you don’t feel like this is true for you, find someone you trust to talk to.
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    5
    Be aware of your attitude. Are you making things worse in the household by being antagonistic towards your stepmom? It’s natural to get defensive when you’re struggling to accept your new family dynamic. If you’re making rude comments, or being disrespectful, you might be making the problem worse. When you are sad, frustrated or angry, it is easy to get caught up in these types of behaviors.[4] .
    • Picking fights and being angry makes it harder to focus on homework or fun things, like activities with friends and family members.
    • Arguing with your stepmom won’t bring your father closer to you. It may actually make things worse between you.
    • You don’t always need to agree with your stepmom, but try to keep your opinions as respectful as you would like hers to be towards you.
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    Try to accept the situation. Although having a hard time letting go is a natural reaction, continuing to dwell on the past will only cause more pain and prolong the adjustment period. Instead of thinking about what you're leaving behind, focus on accepting this situation you’re in right now and creating a positive future.[5]
    • One way to practice acceptance is to refocus your attention on something positive. Instead of dwelling on the trouble you’re having with your stepmom, find ways you can get more involved with your school or community even as your family is changing.
    • Try a new activity – drama, rock climbing, volunteering at a soup kitchen, whatever sounds interesting to you.
    • Getting out of the house, meeting new people and having new experiences will help keep you from resenting your stepmom all the time.
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    7
    Try writing in a journal. Journaling helps you reflect on things that happen during the day. It’s a great self-teaching tool, because it often shows you new things about yourself. If you’re struggling with your stepmom, setting aside at least 20 minutes every day to write in a journal will likely help you handle your feelings.[6]
    • Journaling allows you to consider how changing your thoughts or behaviors might have brought about a different outcome.
    • Some people find that once they’ve written down the day’s events, they also spend a few minutes writing about about the lessons of the day, and brainstorming alternative ways to react to stress, handle relationships and recognize and appreciate life’s positive moments.
    • It’s a healthy practice to always write down at least 3 things in your daily journal that you’re grateful for. This helps your attention from becoming overly negative.
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    Get involved in exercise. Clinical studies show that people who exercise at least an hour per day are more likely to feel positive and respond well to life’s stresses. Moderately intense exercise is one of the highest recommended forms of coping.[7]
    • Moderate exercise means that your breath should be quicker than normal.
    • Running, brisk walking, swimming laps, or hiking are ways that you can exercise on your own. Playing team sports like basketball, soccer, volleyball or other sports all are great ways to include social exercise in your daily life.
    • Try to include strength-based training several times per week. Strength training includes weightlifting, gymnastics, push-ups and other resistance exercises.
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    9
    Cultivate a positive outlook. When you notice yourself complaining, try to balance this with a positive statement. Try to pay your stepmom a compliment every day, no matter how small it is. Even if you feel worried or upset, you can try to find something good to focus your attention on.[8]
    • Try to notice what you’re saying to yourself. For example, if your internal dialogue with yourself (“self-talk”) is filled with negative statements about yourself or other people, you might want to try and change this.
    • Negative thought patterns are easy to fall into, and hard to remove. If you’re struggling with negative feelings, talking to someone you trust, such as your dad, a counselor or another adult, may help.
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Method 2
Method 2 of 3:

Thinking in Terms of Solutions

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    Talk to other kids with stepparents. It’s not unusual to have a stepmom. You probably even have a friend or two with a stepparent. Getting advice from someone your age who is in a similar situation can prove to be very valuable.
    • Feeling as though you aren't the only one adjusting to a stepparent will make you feel less anxious about the situation.
    • Try to identify with another kid’s situation, rather than focus on what’s different about your families. Even if your friend’s situation is different from yours, she’s likely to be sympathetic to what you have to say.
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    2
    Talk to your stepmom directly. Starting a conversation about what is bothering you will help you get to know each other better. Sometimes resolving a problem together can make people feel closer to each other. This can help ease the tension and resolve the problems between you. Approach her with your concerns in an honest and nonjudgmental way.[9] Some suggestions for starting the conversation are:
    • ”I’m sad and angry about how things are going. Can we talk about it?”
    • ”I want us to have a better relationship. Can we discuss how we could maybe do that?”
    • ”I know you’re different than my mom, but it really bothers me when _____ happens. How can we fix this?”
    • ”I’m not used to your way of doing things yet. I was wondering if we could talk about what you think house rules should be.”
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    3
    Learn how to cope if your concerns are ignored. Unfortunately, not all parents listen to and respect the fact that their children have valid opinions. This is known as an authoritarian parenting style, in which "it's my way or the highway."[10] Feeling unheard and being told to fall in line and simply accept your new situation "because I said so" can be extremely frustrating. If your dad and stepmom aren't listening when you say you're struggling, you may need to take other steps to deal with your stepmom.
    • Talk to the school counselor about your feelings.
    • Consider asking a mediator to be present when you talk to your dad and/or stepmom. A trusted grandparent, aunt or uncle, counselor, or family friend can help you communicate and compromise. Your dad and stepmom might be more willing to listen if there is another trusted adult present.[11]
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    Choose your battles carefully. Try to be as agreeable and helpful as possible. However, when you really need to get your point across strongly, do so with honesty and conviction. Your opinions do matter.
    • While you may wish things could go back to the way they were, your family's dynamics have changed considerably. Be aware that some things must be different. Try your best not to fight every small change.[12]
    • When you feel you need to speak up, you absolutely should. Try to be direct and leave out any sarcasm, and you will have a better chance of being heard.
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    5
    Start fresh. It’s never too late to try to resolve things with your stepmom. Let her know that you don’t like how things have evolved and you’d like to start again.[13] If necessary, apologize to her, and mean it. This might be the start of a whole new relationship.[14]
    • "I’m sorry for the way I acted. Can we try to start over?"
    • ”I don’t like how our relationship has worked out. Can we try something new?”
    • ”I know you’re not my mom, and you aren’t ever going to be, but sometimes I just get mad about the whole situation. Can you work with me to try and move past it?”
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    6
    Offer your help. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Ask your stepmom if you can help her with chores or grocery shopping. Offering your help is a great way of letting her know you’d like to make things work.[15]
    • If you can tell she’s had a difficult day, offer to help her around the house, or take the initiative and start folding the laundry.
    • If you drive, offer to go grocery shopping for the family.
    • Collect the laundry baskets and do the laundry, or take the trash out when you notice that the can is full.
    • Feed the family pets, or clean out the cat’s litter box even if it’s not your turn. You could offer to make dinner for the whole family once a week.
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    7
    Spend time with your stepmom. Going to a movie together or taking a walk will encourage conversation and help build a closer bond between you. If she asks you to join her in an activity, say yes. Often, getting out of the house and into a new environment will have a way of dispelling tension and offer a new perspective.
    • Try to relax and be open-minded. You might find that you have areas of interest in common that will help your relationship.
    • Even doing little things like watching television together or playing video games with her can help your relationship improve.
    • If you’re uncertain how to do this, consider doing activities with a larger group of people. For example, going on a rafting trip or taking a class together might be fun.
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Method 3
Method 3 of 3:

Having Realistic Expectations

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    Be patient with the progress. A new family is being created and it takes time for everyone to get used to it – stepfamilies have their own dynamics and are different from a biological family.[16] Blending a family successfully doesn't happen overnight. It takes time, and sometimes it never happens as you hope. Everyone is adjusting and it will continue to evolve. Clear, open, and honest communication is vital for success.[17]
    • Your dad may be eager for you to get along with and accept your stepmom, or become one "big, happy family," but this is probably unrealistic.[18]
    • If you feel your dad is pushing you, tell him you are open to the idea of a relationship with your stepmom, but it needs to happen slowly.
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    2
    Consider the possibility that you may never like her. Sometimes people are just so different from each other that it makes it difficult to build a relationship. When personalities clash it can make it almost impossible to find common ground to get to know each other.
    • If you do your best to be kind and respectful, you won’t be making the situation worse. In the meantime, look for any common interests you might have as a way to improve your relationship.
    • It's okay if you want to spend more time with friends or other family members right now. If you are invited to do things with your stepmom, it's okay to say you don't want to. Just try to do so in a respectful way.
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    3
    Keep your calm. If your stepmom is difficult, rude, or bossy and continues to behave the same way after repeated attempts to keep the peace, it might be best to ignore her. Focus on yourself and what you can change within yourself to better adapt to her.
    • If your stepmom is rude to you, try not to take it personally. Take the power out of her rudeness by choosing to treat it as her problem, not your problem.Try to remember that you have a choice in how you react.
    • Don't let your stepmom's mood disrupt your day. The best way to diffuse difficult behavior is to stay friendly and helpful, rather than getting angry.
    • Joining in the drama will escalate the situation.
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    4
    Don't try to force a change. Remember that you can't change someone's behavior. In fact, trying to get someone to change their behavior can often make things worse. Sometimes, you just need to accept that their negative attitude is not your fault.
    • You might try to giving your stepmom some space and put your focus elsewhere.
    • If you need to, spend time playing sports or doing activities that get you out of the house. Hang out at your friends' houses and minimize your contact with your stepmom.
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Expert Q&A

  • Question
    How do you deal with a toxic stepparent?
    Rebecca Kason, PsyD
    Rebecca Kason, PsyD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Rebecca Kason is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist licensed in both New York and New Jersey. She specializes in adolescent mental health, dialectical behavior therapy, and cognitive-behavioral therapy. Dr. Kason treats clients struggling with emotional dysregulation, behavioral disorders, interpersonal difficulty, family conflict, anxiety, depression, and phobias. She holds a Bachelor's degree in Psychology from The University of Delaware and a Master's degree in Applied Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University. Dr. Kason completed an APA accredited internship at Mount Sinai Services. She is a member of the American Psychological Association and Association for Behavior and Cognitive Therapy.
    Rebecca Kason, PsyD
    Rebecca Kason, PsyD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Be consistent with what you communicate and follow through with your statements. At times, you may need to act like a “broken record” so the other person can truly hear you.
  • Question
    How can I improve my relationship with my stepmom?
    Rebecca Kason, PsyD
    Rebecca Kason, PsyD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Dr. Rebecca Kason is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist licensed in both New York and New Jersey. She specializes in adolescent mental health, dialectical behavior therapy, and cognitive-behavioral therapy. Dr. Kason treats clients struggling with emotional dysregulation, behavioral disorders, interpersonal difficulty, family conflict, anxiety, depression, and phobias. She holds a Bachelor's degree in Psychology from The University of Delaware and a Master's degree in Applied Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University. Dr. Kason completed an APA accredited internship at Mount Sinai Services. She is a member of the American Psychological Association and Association for Behavior and Cognitive Therapy.
    Rebecca Kason, PsyD
    Rebecca Kason, PsyD
    Licensed Clinical Psychologist
    Expert Answer
    Communicate your needs and wants clearly, setting firm boundaries and explaining what the consequence would be if those boundaries were not respected. Use "if/then" or "when/then" statements and at the same time validate your stepmother's opinion.
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Warnings

  • If you start to feel like your life is worthless, you need to talk to someone you trust right away.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
  • Don’t try to get rid of your stepmom or separate her from your dad. You may wind up hurting only yourself.
    ⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References

  1. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/finding_therapist.html
  2. ↑ Rebecca Kason, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
  3. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/step-parenting-blended-families.htm
  4. ↑ http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/03/110329141554.htm
  5. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/step-parenting-blended-families.htm
  6. ↑ http://www.depressiontoolkit.org/takecare/journaling.asp
  7. ↑ https://www.healthykids.nsw.gov.au/kids-teens/get-active-each-day.aspx
  8. ↑ Rebecca Kason, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
  9. ↑ Rebecca Kason, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
  1. ↑ http://www.metroparent.com/daily/parenting/child-behavior-discipline/controlling-parenting-create-problems-kids/
  2. ↑ http://teens.webmd.com/features/i-cant-talk-to-my-parents?page=2
  3. ↑ http://parenthood.library.wisc.edu/Bliss/Bliss.html
  4. ↑ Rebecca Kason, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
  5. ↑ http://www.steppingthrough.com.au/stepkids-anger/
  6. ↑ Rebecca Kason, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 12 August 2021.
  7. ↑ http://parenthood.library.wisc.edu/Bliss/Bliss.html
  8. ↑ http://www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/prestepfamily-counseling
  9. ↑ http://parenthood.library.wisc.edu/Bliss/Bliss.html

About This Article

Rebecca Kason, PsyD
Co-authored by:
Rebecca Kason, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Rebecca Kason, PsyD. Dr. Rebecca Kason is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist licensed in both New York and New Jersey. She specializes in adolescent mental health, dialectical behavior therapy, and cognitive-behavioral therapy. Dr. Kason treats clients struggling with emotional dysregulation, behavioral disorders, interpersonal difficulty, family conflict, anxiety, depression, and phobias. She holds a Bachelor's degree in Psychology from The University of Delaware and a Master's degree in Applied Psychology and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University. Dr. Kason completed an APA accredited internship at Mount Sinai Services. She is a member of the American Psychological Association and Association for Behavior and Cognitive Therapy. This article has been viewed 152,252 times.
1 votes - 100%
Co-authors: 31
Updated: January 7, 2023
Views: 152,252
Categories: Dealing with Conflict with Parents | Parents
Article SummaryX

Having a new step mom can make you feel sad and confused at first, but with time, you can build a better relationship with her. It might help to talk about your feelings with your friends and other family members. If you know someone who has a stepparent, they might understand how you feel. If you don’t get along with your step mom, have some space away from her and focus on things you do for fun. When you have to be around her, try to stay calm and polite, which will reduce the chances of arguments. You can also talk to your dad and ask him for help dealing with your feelings. For more tips from our co-author, including how to get to know your step mom better, read on.

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