How to Deal With Mixed Signals

Co-authored by Philip Glickman, PsyD

Last Updated: January 17, 2023 References

Whether you're in a relationship or not, you may find that the other person is giving you mixed signals. You can always handle the problem by starting a conversation about it, but you can also use more indirect ways to see if the person is actually interested in you. You may also want to spend some time evaluating what you're feeling and whether you want to be with the other person or not.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Addressing the Issue With a Flirt

1
Decide if you're reading too much into the situation. Sometimes, if you're just flirting with a person, you may read the situation as more flirtatious than it is.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Philip Glickman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.} Studies have shown that men, especially, are guilty of this problem. That is, men are more likely to read an innocent gesture as sexual or flirtatious than women.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- It may be the person isn't giving you mixed signals at all. It may be that the person is simply being nice or friendly, and you are reading more into it than you should.
2
Watch the person's social interactions. If you're not sure whether the person is flirting with you or not, pay attention to how that person interacts with other people. If they're treating everyone else the same way, then they're likely not flirting with you. However, if you seem to be getting special attention, they may be flirting with you.^{[3]
X
Research source}

Advertisement
3
Send positive signals. If you're not the type to address something head-on, you can try giving your own positive signals. That way, if the person is sending mixed signals because they're not sure that you're into them, you can reassure their fears. That is, laugh at the person's jokes, touch their arm when you're talking, touch your hair, and look into the person's eyes.^{[4]
X
Expert Source

Philip Glickman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.} Use body language to indicate to the person that you're interested, and they may reciprocate.^{[5]
X
Research source}
4
Open the door for a date. If you're flirting with someone but you don't want to ask them out, try using an indirect method. That way, you give them an opening, but you're not setting yourself up for major rejection.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you could casually mention your plans for the weekend, such as "I'm excited about this weekend. I'm going to see this really great independent film downtown on Saturday." If the person is interested, they might ask to tag along.
- If you want to open the door a bit more, you could add, "What are your plans?" or "Do you want to tag along?"
5
Address the issue directly. You can also just bring it up directly instead of beating around the bush. That way, you get it out in the open.^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Philip Glickman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.} If the person rejects the idea, you can both move on with your lives. If the person says that they like you, you can consider going on a date.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- If you're trying to see if someone likes you, you could say, "I noticed you seem to flirt when I'm around. How would you feel about going on a date?"
- However, be careful doing this step at work. Most workplaces frown on inter-office dating, and you could be making a very awkward situation that could cause trouble for you later.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Addressing the Issue in a Relationship

1
Give the person space. One option is to just back off a bit to let the person figure out their feelings. If you back off, the person may realize one of two things. First, the person may miss you, making them decide that they really want to be with you. The second option is the person may not miss you, and they may find it easy to move on. Either way, you've got an answer.^{[9]
X
Research source}
2
Approach the subject head-on. If you're getting mixed signals from your partner or even someone you just may like but haven't approached, the best way to deal with it is to bring it up with them. The person may not even realize they're giving off mixed signals.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- Consider how far along you are in the relationship. If you've only been on a couple of dates, having a serious commitment talk is going to scare the other person off. In that case, you can still bring it up, just keep it more lighthearted.
- Similarly, if you're just trying to see if someone likes you, you're going to approach the conversation a bit differently, by feeling out whether the person is into you or not.
3
State what you're feeling. Start by bringing up the conversation. Use "I" statements to describe what you've been feeling, rather than "you" statements. "You" statements can come across as accusatory, making the other person feel defensive, while "I" statements focus on the problem and what you're feeling.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you don't want to say, "You are so wishy-washy. You should make up your mind."
- Instead, you could say, "I feel like I've been getting mixed signals from you lately. I can't tell if you really want to be with me or not."
- If you're still new to a relationship, you could say something like, "I know we've only been on a few dates, but I like you a lot. I'm just curious if we're on the same page."^{[12]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Philip Glickman, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 19 August 2021.}
4
End the relationship. Another option is to simply end the relationship. If you feel like the other person is playing with you, it's entirely appropriate to move on. You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you and will tell you that openly and without reservation.^{[13]
X
Research source}

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Establishing Your Own Feelings

1
Learn the emotions behind giving mixed signals. Some people, including yourself, don't give mixed signals on purpose. Rather, mixed signals are a sign of a deeper problem, usually a conflict between opposing values in relationships.^{[14]
X
Research source}
- For instance, some people always want what's on the other side. When not in a relationship, they want the connection of being in a relationship. When in a relationship, they want the independence outside of a relationship. Once they get one, the other value seems much better, so they move towards that instead. Therefore, as they get too close to someone, they instantly start moving away.
- Some other pairs include control and spontaneity, freedom and responsibility, and novelty and stability. Each time the person gets one, the other becomes automatically more appealing.
2
Realize that it may stem from other issues. A person sending mixed signals may have nothing to do with you at all. In fact, it could be the person is insecure or has had problems in past relationships. In that case, they may have a tendency to hold you at arm's length, even when they want to be with you.^{[15]
X
Research source}
- If you suspect this is the problem, start a dialogue about it. You could say, "I sense that you really like me, but I feel like you want to keep me at arm's length. Is there a reason you have a tendency to do that?"
3
Make sure you're not giving mixed signals. Sometimes, a person will turn cold on you if they feel like you're doing it to them. Make sure you aren't guilty of doing the thing you're accusing the other person of.^{[16]
X
Research source}
- Try to think. Do you hold the person at arm's length? Are you warm one day but push the person away the next?
- Do you cancel dates even when you don't have a good reason to?
4
Decide whether you want to be with the person or not. You may have been focused on the other person and their indecisiveness, but you might not have stopped to consider whether you want to be with that person or not. Check in with yourself to make sure you actually enjoy that person's company to see whether or not the person is worth fighting for.^{[17]
X
Research source}
- Do you like spending time with the person? Do you constantly want to spend more time with the person?
- Are you interested in what the person thinks and feels?
- Do you value their thoughts and opinions? The answers to these questions can help you decide whether you want to be with the person or not.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Looking for Red Flags and Signs of Love

1
Watch for a control freak. If you're dating someone, you want to know ahead of time if that person is going to want to control every single aspect of your relationship. One way you can check for this trait is to watch for someone who will not vary their schedule or routine at all. Try changing a date to another time to see if the person can roll with it.^{[18]
X
Research source}
- This symptom can also be a sign that the person is not willing to compromise, another bad sign.
- Either way, you probably want to get out of this relationship.
2
See if the person wants to spend time with you. Someone who loves you, or at least likes you, will want to spend time with you without you feeling the need to beg. That person will make time for you because they enjoy your company and want to develop a relationship.^{[19]
X
Research source}
- Pay attention to whether or not the person actively makes space for you in their lives. Do they say yes to plans? To they call you to ask you out? Do you see them at least once a week, most of the time?
3
Make sure the person shows an interest you. Of course, everything isn't about you all the time. However, the person you're with should show an interest in you, asking you about your day and what's going on in your life. They should ask your opinion, meaning they will at least hear your side of the story without trying to shut you down.^{[20]
X
Research source}
4
See if the person laughs at your jokes. While it may seem silly, if someone is attracted to you, they will usually laugh at your jokes. Now of course, not every joke will get a belly laugh, but most of the time, they should at least crack a smile.^{[21]
X
Research source}
5
Watch out for perfectionists. Many people have a perfectionist streak, and that's not a problem. However, if that person turns that streak on you, it can be a problem. In other words, if the other person is always critical of you, always looking for your flaws, that can be a sign that they don't want to commit. Usually, it's not about you at all, but rather, the fact that they're not ready for intimacy.^{[22]
X
Research source}
- The opposite of this person is one who constantly tries to build you up. They actively want to make you feel good about yourself, and look for ways to compliment you and your achievements.^{[23]
  X
  Research source}
- One way to recognize what type of person you're with is to see how they react when someone else criticizes you. Does your partner defend you or stay silent?
6
Look at how the person treats other people. At the beginning of the relationship, the person may be treating you just fine, while they treat waiters and other people they see as "below" them with rudeness and contempt. This red flag tells you that they can easily turn that meanness on you, and that they're not a very good person to begin with.^{[24]
X
Research source}
7
Pay attention to physical closeness. A person who likes you will generally show that affection physically. That doesn't have to mean sex or even kissing, depending on your relationship. However, it can mean the person will reach out and touch your arm while talking or put an arm around you when you're next to each other. These small signs of physical touching can mean the person likes you.^{[25]
X
Research source}
- The opposite is sometimes true, though not always. In other words, a person who doesn't seem to want to touch you could mean the person's not attracted to you. However, it could also mean that the person has had some trauma in their past and therefore has trouble with physical intimacy.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you tell if a guy is confused about his feelings for you?

Philip Glickman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Philip Glickman is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Director of Wellness Road Psychology with two locations in Dobbs Ferry and the Financial District of New York City. He specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness techniques, treatment of anxiety, and life coaching. Dr. Glickman is a member of the American Psychological Association. He holds a BA in Criminology and Psychology from The University of Maryland College Park and an MA in Forensic Psychology from The City University of New York. Dr. Glickman also holds a PsyD in School and Community Psychology from Hofstra University.

Philip Glickman, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Try telling him straight away that he's giving mixed signals and see how he reacts. If he's able to have a mature conversation and explain what's happening, then that's a positive result. If he tiptoes around the conversation and don't try to explain the mixed signals, he may be confused, but he may also be playing with you.
Question

What to do about a guy that gives mixed signals?

Philip Glickman, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Philip Glickman is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Director of Wellness Road Psychology with two locations in Dobbs Ferry and the Financial District of New York City. He specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy, mindfulness techniques, treatment of anxiety, and life coaching. Dr. Glickman is a member of the American Psychological Association. He holds a BA in Criminology and Psychology from The University of Maryland College Park and an MA in Forensic Psychology from The City University of New York. Dr. Glickman also holds a PsyD in School and Community Psychology from Hofstra University.

Philip Glickman, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Well, if you've been dating for a while and you're not certain about his feelings for you, the best thing you can do is to have a conversation about it. You don't need to ask him if you're "exclusive" or something like that, but try to get him on the same page as you.
Question

What does it mean if my crush sometimes ignores me?

Community Answer

It could mean many things. Most likely, they are simply busy. It's also possible that they have noticed your feelings and are feeling uncomfortable, or that they do not wish to talk to you. Try not to take it too personally; sometimes the best thing to do is ask them how they feel.