Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn? 14 Things It Might Mean & How to Talk to Him About It

Co-authored by Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: May 21, 2022 References

Finding out your boyfriend watches porn can make you feel sad, angry, betrayed, and insecure. What you’re feeling is totally normal, and you’re not alone. There are several reasons why your boyfriend might be watching porn, and he may be open to changing his habits if that’s what you ultimately want. We’re here to help you figure out why your boyfriend might be watching porn. We’ll also offer some suggestions for how to talk to him about it.

Section 1 of 2:

Why does your boyfriend watch porn?

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He enjoys watching porn and doesn't think it's a big deal. It’s likely his decision to watch porn has nothing to do with you, and he still finds you really attractive. It’s totally normal to feel betrayed and to question if you’re enough for him. However, don’t let this trick you into thinking you’re not an attractive, amazing partner—you are.^{[1]
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- It’s common to feel insecure when you find out your partner is watching porn. Your boyfriend doesn’t realize you feel that way, but he might understand if you talk to him.^{[2]
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- Experts estimate that 60 to 70% of men watch porn regularly.^{[3]
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He uses it to masturbate. It’s totally normal and healthy to masturbate.^{[4]
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Research source} Both you and your boyfriend need the space to masturbate when you feel like it. For some guys, watching porn is the easiest way to get off. He may even feel like he can’t masturbate without it.^{[5]
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- Respect your boyfriend’s need to masturbate because it’s totally normal and healthy for him to do it. At the same time, he may be open to doing it without porn.
- You might suggest that he use a suggestive photo or video of you to masturbate. Alternatively, you could try sexting.
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He might feel lonely if you're in a long distance relationship. Even though you’re there for him, he may sometimes turn on porn to keep him company. For some people, porn creates a feeling of intimacy, which makes him feel fulfilled.^{[6]
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- If this is the case, you might be able to help him feel less lonely by spending more time with him on video calls or helping him find a new interest.
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He could have higher sexual needs than you do. It’s totally normal for partners to have different sexual needs. Your boyfriend might need sex more often than you do. Since his desire isn’t going away, he’s decided to use porn to meet his needs. He may think that he’s respecting your desire for less sex by masturbating.^{[7]
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- In general, guys who watch porn don’t think they’re doing anything wrong.^{[8]
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  Research source} However, porn can be a form of cheating if that’s how you feel. In that case, you’ll need to talk to him about it so you can set some relationship boundaries regarding porn.^{[9]
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  Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
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He may be addicted to porn if it’s interfering with his life or relationships. Watching porn doesn’t mean he’s addicted, but porn addiction does happen. Overcoming a porn addiction can be hard, but it’s possible with support. If you suspect your boyfriend might have a porn addiction, it’s best to see a couple’s counselor. Here are some signs he might be addicted to porn:^{[11]
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- He’s stopped having sex with you.
- He’s asking you to engage in scenarios he saw in porn.
- He’s neglecting his work and responsibilities.
- He turns to porn as a coping mechanism.
- He spends a lot of money on porn.
- He feels powerless to stop watching porn.

Section 2 of 2:

Talking to Your Boyfriend about Porn

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Choose a time when you’re feeling calm. Porn can really trigger a lot of emotions, so it’s totally normal to feel sad, angry, or betrayed. You have every right to feel that way, but it helps to cool down before you talk to him. He’ll be more receptive to what you have to say if you’re cool and collected. ^{[12]
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- It might help to talk to a supportive friend before you talk to your boyfriend.
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Bring up the topic of porn. Explain that you want to talk about how you both feel about porn. Talking about porn can feel awkward, but it’ll get easier.^{[13]
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- “I found porn in your browser history yesterday, and it surprised me. I was hoping we could discuss how often you’re looking at porn and why you feel drawn to it?”
- “Hey, I realize we’ve never talked about our porn habits. It’s been a while since I’ve watched any porn. How often do you watch it?”
- “I was shocked when I found porn on your phone yesterday because I thought you stopped watching it when we got together. I realize that I wasn’t being fair to you by making assumptions. Can we talk about this?”
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Tell your boyfriend why porn bothers you. Help him see things from your perspective. Be honest about how you feel so he understands why his porn usage upsets you.^{[14]
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Research source} You might say something like:
- “Finding out you watch porn just reminds me of my flaws. I can’t help but wonder if you want to see women with bigger breasts or no stretch marks.”
- “I felt really betrayed when I found out you watch porn. To me, that’s cheating because you’re going outside our relationship for sexual pleasure.”
- “I know a lot of people watch porn, but it makes me really uncomfortable.”
- “I didn’t realize you needed porn to masturbate. Would you be open to trying something else?”
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Explain your preferences when it comes to watching porn. You have a right to set your own boundaries when it comes to watching porn. Discuss these boundaries with your partner to see if you can come to an agreement.^{[15]
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Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 27 October 2021.} You could say:
- “It really bothers me that you’re watching porn. Would you be open to changing your habits now that we’re in a relationship?”
- "I don't like you looking at other women, so I really want you to stop watching porn."
- “Since it bothers me so much, would you consider giving up porn for our relationship?”
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Listen to how he feels so you can come to a compromise. It’s important to understand your boyfriend’s perspective, so ask him to explain his side.^{[16]
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Research source} Try to find a solution that makes you both feel respected and heard in your relationship.
- He may refuse to stop, and that’s his choice. If he keeps using it, you may have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

Warnings

Experts are divided about whether or not porn has harmful effects. However, porn can make some people desire unrealistic sexual scenarios and can make some people dependent on porn for sexual satisfaction.^{[18]
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Porn can be a problem in your relationship if your boyfriend is lying to you about it or keeping secrets. Additionally, it might be an issue if he's choosing porn over sex with you.^{[19]
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