What to Say When Someone Flakes on You: 10 Ways to Respond

Co-authored by William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC and Kira Jan

Last Updated: January 17, 2022 References

What should you say when someone flakes on you? Whether you’re dealing with a date who just canceled or a chronically flaky friend, we’ve got you covered. We’ve put together a guide to help you reply when someone flakes on you and figure out whether or not that relationship is worth your time.

1

Send a brief, polite response.

Stay cool and tell them that you appreciate the heads up. Give them the benefit of the doubt, and say something along the lines of “Thanks for letting me know.” It doesn’t feel good when someone flakes on you, but when you keep your tone positive and polite you’ll come off as strong and confident.^{[1]
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- “Ok. Thanks for the heads up!”
- “Got it. I hope we can reschedule! 😉”
- “No worries, we’ll have to catch up another time.”

2

Give them a second chance if they canceled for a good reason.

Let one-time flakiness slide, since a real emergency might’ve come up. On the other hand, general flakiness can mean someone tends to over-commit to social events.^{[2]
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Expert Source

William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.} A habit of last-minute cancellations can mean the other person isn't invested in your relationship.^{[3]
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Research source} Before you decide to reschedule, check the balance of effort in your relationship:
- How often do they flake? If they repeatedly flake and don’t make an effort to reschedule, that’s not a great sign.
- How’s their texting game? Do they make an effort to start conversations with you or do they send short replies and take forever to respond?
- Who initiates plans? Did they ask to hang out and then cancel? Do they ever ask to hang out?
- Are they going through a tough time? Stress or anxiety from school, work, and family life can cause otherwise great people to seem flaky.

3

Reschedule if you think the flakiness was a one-time deal.

Take the initiative to show that you’re still interested. Reschedule to take the high road and show that you’re willing to put in effort.^{[4]
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Research source} Try to strike a balance between being kind and assertive about your own schedule—you shouldn’t have to rearrange your whole calendar for this person! Give them a limited choice of alternate times for your next date or hangout, and let them know that you’re busy, too.
- “Sounds like you and I both have a busy week! 📅 Want to push to next Monday?”
- “Rain check for next weekend? I’m pretty booked, but my Saturday morning is free.”
- “Do you want to try again for Friday night? I’m afraid that’s all I’ve got open this week 😅.”

4

Leave rescheduling up to them to test their commitment.

Let them make the next move if you want to see how they feel. Mention that you’d like to hang out again, but let the other person meet you halfway and come up with the logistics. There’s no need to chase a date or friend who doesn’t recognize how amazing you are. If the other person reaches out and asks to reschedule, that’s a nice gesture and a great sign that they care.^{[5]
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- “Ok. Let me know if you want to grab dinner another night. 😁”
- “Yeah, I’m good with rescheduling. Let me know when!”
- “Bummer Thursday doesn’t work. LMK when you’re free next.”

5

Ask them to respect your time in the future.

Set boundaries for the behavior you will and won't accept. It's totally reasonable to ask that they stick to the plans you’re making or at least cancel earlier. In the digital era, it can seem like you’re always available for this person when it’s convenient for them.^{[6]
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Research source} But the truth is, your time is valuable. Whether you’re talking to a friend or a date, remind them you’re a real person and not an optional slot in their calendar.^{[7]
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- “I’m down to reschedule, but can you confirm that you’ll be there? Weekend nights are so valuable, so it’s important to me that we don’t cancel again.”
- “Hey, I’m not a fan of last-minute cancellations. I really value my free time, and I’d like to spend it with you when I can. I don’t want to plan something unless it’s 100% going to happen.”
- “I try to prioritize our time together because I know we’re both busy. I’d appreciate at least 2 hours notice next time you cancel.”

6

Let them know that you’re disappointed.

Tell a continually flaky person how their behavior makes you feel. When someone cancels on you, it’s normal to feel upset, frustrated, and even angry.^{[8]
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Expert Source

William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.} You might start to question your friendship or relationship if the flakiness becomes a pattern. Use “I feel” statements to express your emotions. Once the other person hears how much their flakiness bothers you, they’ll change if they value the relationship.^{[9]
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- “I felt pretty let down when you canceled lunch.”
- “I’m really bummed that you left me hanging on Friday.”
- “It makes me feel pretty lonely when you cancel last-minute.”

7

Ask what's going on if they keep canceling.

A pattern of flaky behavior could mean that someone is struggling. If you’re close to this person or if you’re worried you said something to upset them, check in to see if they’re feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or sad. People might seem flaky if they’re going through something rough in their personal life or dealing with social anxiety.^{[10]
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Research source} Describe the behavior you’ve noticed, ask if something bigger is going on in their life, and offer to help support them.
- “I noticed you’ve canceled our last couple of hangouts. Is something going on? I’m always here for you if you need me.”
- “How are you? I know you had to cancel last week. Is everything ok?”
- “I know it’s been tough for us to get together lately and you seem pretty busy. How are you doing?”

8

Try calling them the next time they flake.

Pick up the phone if you’re looking to save a friendship or partnership. A voice call can go a long way to remind the other person that you’re a living, breathing, incredible human they once shared something with. Since flakiness can come from a lack of consideration for other peoples’ thoughts and feelings, a voice call can help remind a flaky person that they should show up for you—you’re worth it.^{[11]
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- “I know you’ve been really busy lately, so I was just hoping to catch up over the phone. Do you have a few minutes?”
- “I've missed getting to see you and wanted to chat. How’ve you been?”
- "I just saw your text and wanted to check in about rescheduling.”

9

Draw the line and move on if their behavior doesn’t change.

Give someone time to improve before you decide to end things. You might set a “3-strike rule” for flakiness, or you might decide you just can’t take any more cancellations. If the other person cancels again, it’s time to re-evaluate your friendship or relationship.^{[12]
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- “I’m not feeling great about rescheduling, since I know this is the 2nd time we’re trying that. I don’t think you and I are a match, but I’m wishing you the best.”
- “To be totally honest, I’d rather sit this one out. I know you’re really busy, but I don’t like getting flaked on.”
- “You seem like a really nice guy, but I’m looking for someone who’ll stick to his commitments. I don’t think we’re right for each other, but I hope you find what you’re looking for!”

10

Go do something fun.

You deserve to be around people who care about you. When someone flakes on you or cancels a date, don’t take it personally.^{[13]
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Expert Source

William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 28 September 2021.} Reclaim that scheduled time for yourself! Connect with loved ones in your life by calling up friends and family. You can also indulge in some quality me-time by trying out a new activity or doing one of your favorite hobbies.^{[14]
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- If you’re not sure where to start, write a list of 5 of your best qualities, grab your favorite snack, and put on a playlist that makes you feel amazing.^{[15]
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Expert Q&A

Question

What are the reasons for being flaky?

William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor
William Schroeder is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Co-Owner of Just Mind, a counseling center in Austin, Texas that aims to remove the stigma from therapy. With more than 14 years of experience, he specializes in cognitive counseling with adults on issues such as loss, life transition, happiness, relationships, and career exploration. He has also received advanced training and works with clients with ADHD and Aspergers (ASD). William and Just Mind have been featured in publications such as The New York Times, Business Insider, and Readers Digest. William holds a BBA in Marketing from Loyola University, New Orleans, and an MA in Counseling Psychology from St. Mary’s University.

William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Some people may be flaky because they are not good at time management. Overcommitting to things may be another reason for being flaky.
Question

How can I continue to be friends with a flaky person?

William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC
Licensed Professional Counselor
William Schroeder is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Co-Owner of Just Mind, a counseling center in Austin, Texas that aims to remove the stigma from therapy. With more than 14 years of experience, he specializes in cognitive counseling with adults on issues such as loss, life transition, happiness, relationships, and career exploration. He has also received advanced training and works with clients with ADHD and Aspergers (ASD). William and Just Mind have been featured in publications such as The New York Times, Business Insider, and Readers Digest. William holds a BBA in Marketing from Loyola University, New Orleans, and an MA in Counseling Psychology from St. Mary’s University.

William Schroeder, MA, LPC, NCC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

If your friend is flaky, do not take it personally. Accept it and use strategies to cope up with their flakiness. For example, invite those who do not flake on plans along with your flaky friend. If the flaky friend comes, it will be nice. But if they do not come, it will not make much difference to you.