What Age Should You Come Out? The Average Age & Common Coming Out Experiences

When is the “right time” to come out? We’ll go over the average age people come out, but in reality, coming out is a personal choice, and the timeline will look different for everybody. You get to decide who you tell, when you tell them, and how you tell them.[1] We know coming out can feel exciting, nerve-wracking, and even terrifying, but you’re not alone, and we’re here to help you navigate your coming-out journey. We’ll walk you through reasons why people come out, why people choose to wait, and what you can expect after coming out. No matter what your coming out story will be, remember you are loved, you matter, and you have the right to be exactly who you are.

Section 1 of 4:

What is a good age to come out?

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    Lots of people come out in middle school or high school. You might start wondering if you identify as LGBTQ+ as early as elementary school, and it’s becoming more common for people to come out around ages 11-14.[2] Still, for a long time, it was common for people not to come out until their mid-teens or 20s.[3]
    • Lots of people start by telling a close friend rather than a parent. 86% of LGB adults have come out to at least 1 close friend.[4]
    • Some people choose not to come out to certain people. Roughly 1 in 3 LGB adults have not yet come out to their parents.
    • Research will often say the average age to come out is around 20 years old, but that’s mostly for Millennials and older generations.[5] Generation-Z teens have started coming out younger as society has become more accepting.[6]
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    Coming out can be a lifelong process, but you can create your own coming-out timeline. You might choose to tell some people at one point and wait to tell others until a few weeks, months, or years later. Regardless, you don’t have to come out when you’re 12 or when you’re 20, or really at any age if you don’t feel ready. Throughout your life, too, you might find that you come out again when you meet new people who aren’t aware of how you identify.[7]
    • People come out for the first time at all ages. Some people might come out at age 14 while others might not come out until age 64.
    • For instance, you could come out to your friends in high school, but wait to tell your family if the timing doesn’t feel right.
    • You could also choose to tell your family but hold off on telling your broader social circles about your identity if you don’t feel comfortable yet.
    • Ultimately, you have control over your story and your journey. We’ll walk you through key things to consider as you start planning how to come out on your own terms.
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Section 2 of 4:

Reasons You Might Want to Come Out

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    You want to share who you are with the people around you. Living a double life can feel stressful, and coming out means you get to form closer, more genuine relationships. Coming out can even boost your self-esteem and help you foster a sense of pride in your identity.[8] And just think, you could even be a role model to younger LGBTQ+ people in your community.[9]
    • You’ll know it's the right time to come out if it feels like you are making the choice for yourself and your own happiness.[10]
    • Studies show that hiding a big part of yourself like your sexual orientation or gender identity can take a toll on your mental health.[11]
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    You want to more easily meet other LGBTQ+ people. After you come out, there’s a whole community of incredible people waiting to welcome you with open arms. Once you’re out, you might feel more comfortable connecting with that community via LGBTQ+ organizations and clubs in your local area. Plus, it’ll be easier to find and hang out with fellow queer people, make friends, and form relationships.[12]
    • Support from other people (whether they’re a part of the LGBTQ+ community or not) can play a huge role in boosting your well-being.[13]
    • If you don’t feel like you have a strong support system or sense of community, check out the resources at the bottom of this article.
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    You’re ready to start dating or don’t want to hide a relationship. Dating in the closet can be emotionally tough on both you and your partner.[14] Keeping relationships secret might feel comfortable or safer at first, but hiding your dating life can leave you feeling drained and lower your self-esteem. Humans are social animals, so it can feel hard for us not to integrate our most intimate relationships with the bigger parts of our lives like our family, school, and work.[15]
    • If you do choose to come out, make sure that your choice won’t negatively affect your partner if they’re still in the closet.[16]
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    You want to stop other people from making assumptions. No matter what other people say, coming out is your decision, and you get to do it whenever, wherever, and however you want. That said, some people decide to come out because they want to reclaim or affirm their identity.[17] If people around you tend to speculate about your identity, it might feel empowering to come out and take control of rumors.[18]
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Section 3 of 4:

Reasons Why You Might Wait to Come Out

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    You feel like your safety might be in danger. As you figure out a good time to come out, wait if you’re worried you might face violence or discrimination. Trust your gut, and remember there’s no rush.[19] Waiting to come out doesn’t mean you’ll have to keep your identity a secret forever. It just means you’re prioritizing your well-being until you get to a more positive environment.[20] Here’s a checklist of questions to ask yourself before you come out:[21]
    • Is there a shelter or an LGBTQ-friendly program nearby if you’re worried about getting kicked out?
    • Does your school have supportive counselors and/or an LGBTQ+ organization or club?
    • Will your workplace support you if you come out?
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    You’re not sure how other people will react. Let’s be real, it can be terrifying to say, “This is me!” and not know exactly what people will say or do in response.[22] You can test the waters to figure out if people will be supportive by asking for their thoughts on LGBTQ+ rights or by bringing up a queer celebrity.[23] Here are a few questions and topics you could try:
    • “Hey, did you hear about the former NFL player who just came out?”
    • “I heard in some places florists are refusing to work for gay weddings. Do you think that’s right?”
    • “What do you think about companies getting involved in Pride Month?”
    • “Someone at school came out as non-binary and now people are talking about adding a gender-neutral bathroom. What do you think they should do?”
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    You’re still figuring out your sexuality and/or gender identity. It’s okay not to have all the answers, and it’s okay to change your mind about how you identify.[24] You don’t have to have any set of romantic or sexual experiences to know that you’re queer or to come out.[25] While you shouldn’t feel pressured to come out if you’re not ready, labels can help you affirm how you feel and connect with other people who might be feeling the same way.[26]
    • On average, LGBTQ+ people report that they “knew” about their identity by age 17, but everyone figures it out at a different time.[27]
    • 8% of LGBTQ+ people report that they didn’t figure out their sexual orientation or gender identity until their 30s or older, and 6% say they still aren’t sure!
    • Prejudice and negative feelings in society can affect how you feel about LGBTQ+ identities and make it tough for some people to accept themselves.[28]
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Section 4 of 4:

Common Coming Out Experiences

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    You might feel happier and free after coming out. Coming out is a process that brings out the entire spectrum of possible emotions. If you feel anxious, that’s normal. If you feel euphoric and like a weight’s been lifted off your shoulders, that’s normal too.[29]
    • Life after coming out might still have its ups and downs and messy moments. But your future is bright, and coming out can bring you closer to living life as the most authentic version of yourself.
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    Your relationships might get stronger or they might not change at all. Coming out isn’t easy, but so many people who’ve been in your shoes can tell you that coming out is worth it. Roughly 30-40% of LGB adults report that their relationships with their family actually got stronger after they came out.[30]
    • About 30-40% of queer adults also report that their relationships didn’t change at all.
    • Fewer queer adults report that their relationships with family suffered after coming out.
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    Some people could get upset and need time to process. It’s true that not everyone will react well to learning you identify as LGBTQ+, and you shouldn’t come out if you think it’ll put you in danger.[31] However, with time, the majority of people’s parents and loved ones do come around to accept them.[32]
    • Remember you needed time to figure out who you were, and you’ve probably been thinking about coming out for years. In contrast, hearing about your identity might be totally new to the other person, and that info might rub up against beliefs they’ve held for a long time.[33]
    • 6 in 10 parents in the U.S. say that learning their child is gay wouldn’t upset them.[34]
    • If someone gets upset when you come out, you can say, “I know you’re worried, but I still love you and I’m the same person you’ve always known.”[35]
    • You can also set a boundary and leave the conversation by saying, “I need to take a break from this conversation, but we can come back to it later.”
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    People might have questions or tell you that your identity is just a phase. Expect some people to accept who you are and others to push back a little and not quite understand. Just remember, you’re in the driver’s seat of your own life and how you feel is valid.[36] To help other people get on the same page, try to anticipate any questions they might have, so you can clear up misconceptions about how you identify and what that means.[37]
    • People might ask you things like, “How long have you known?” or “Why didn’t you tell us before?” or “How do you know? Are you sure?”
    • You can prepare to say things like, “There are resources for parents that can tell you a lot more than I can. Let me show you.” Then, you can show them the resources at the bottom of this page.[38]
    • If people have questions you can’t answer, it’s also totally okay to say, “I don’t have all the answers.”[39]
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Community Q&A

  • Question
    I am bisexual. I told my mom this and she told me it was “just hormones,” and she’ll “keep it in her mind". I want to tell her I’m serious about this but I’m not sure how to. She supports the LGBTQ community.
    Nico
    Nico
    Top Answerer
    Sit down, look her in the eyes, and tell her that you are certain about you sexual orientation with a very serious face. if she truly supports the LGBTQ community, then she would know sexuality isn't "just hormones" or a "phase". If she still doesn't believe that you're actually bisexual, don't waste your time trying to get her to understand--it's likely she will understand sooner or later.
  • Question
    I’m a pansexual girl who’s still in the closet to my parents but out at school and in a relationship. It’s a gay relationship, with a lesbian non-binary. How do I come out? I really want to.
    Nico
    Nico
    Top Answerer
    Check out the article How to Come Out for an in-depth guide on coming out as LGBTQ, or take a look at How to Tell Your Parents You're Pansexual, which is an article more specific to your situation. A while after you come out, tell your parents you are dating someone. If all goes well, they should support and accept you and your partner. If not, limit the time you spend with your parents.
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References

  1. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sexual-orientation/sexual-orientation/whats-coming-out
  2. ↑ https://www.seattletimes.com/life/whats-it-like-to-come-out-at-school-nowadays-seattles-lgbtq-youth-speak-out/
  3. ↑ https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.617217/full
  4. ↑ https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/06/13/chapter-3-the-coming-out-experience/
  5. ↑ https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/06/13/chapter-3-the-coming-out-experience/
  6. ↑ https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fsgd0000484
  7. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html
  8. ↑ Kateri Berasi, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.
  9. ↑ https://www.skidmore.edu/osdp/lgbtq/comingout3.php
  1. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbtq/orientation
  2. ↑ https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17338603/
  3. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbtq/orientation
  4. ↑ https://www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/ComingOutAsYou.pdf
  5. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201903/the-truth-about-secret-relationships
  7. ↑ https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/dating-in-the-closet/
  8. ↑ Kateri Berasi, PsyD. Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.
  9. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html
  10. ↑ https://www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Coming-Out-Handbook.pdf
  11. ↑ https://lgbtqia.ucdavis.edu/support/coming-out
  12. ↑ https://www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/ComingOutAsYou.pdf
  13. ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5145776/
  14. ↑ https://www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Coming-Out-Handbook.pdf
  15. ↑ https://www.strongfamilyalliance.org/how-to-come-out-to-parents/
  16. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbtq/orientation
  17. ↑ https://lgbtqia.ucdavis.edu/support/coming-out
  18. ↑ https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/06/13/chapter-3-the-coming-out-experience/
  19. ↑ https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbtq/orientation
  20. ↑ https://www.hrc.org/resources/coming-out-living-authentically-as-lesbian-gay-and-bisexual
  21. ↑ https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/06/13/chapter-3-the-coming-out-experience/
  22. ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/coming-out.html
  23. ↑ https://www.strongfamilyalliance.org/how-to-come-out-to-parents/
  24. ↑ https://www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/ComingOutAsYou.pdf
  25. ↑ https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/06/29/most-americans-now-say-learning-their-child-is-gay-wouldnt-upset-them/
  26. ↑ https://www.strongfamilyalliance.org/how-to-come-out-to-parents/
  27. ↑ https://hrc-prod-requests.s3-us-west-2.amazonaws.com/ComingOut-LGB-Resource-2020.pdf
  28. ↑ https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sexual-orientation/sexual-orientation/whats-coming-out
  29. ↑ https://www.strongfamilyalliance.org/how-to-come-out-to-parents/
  30. ↑ https://www.strongfamilyalliance.org/how-to-come-out-to-parents/

About This Article

Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Co-authored by:
Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
This article was co-authored by Kateri Berasi, PsyD and by wikiHow staff writer, Kira Jan. Dr. Kateri Berasi is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Founder of Transcendent Self, PLLC, a group therapy practice offering affirmative, collaborative, and intentional care, based in Brooklyn, New York. With over ten years of experience in the mental health field, Dr. Berasi specializes in working with adults from the LGBTQIA+ community and creative industries through individual therapy, couples counseling, group therapy, and costume therapy. She holds a BA in Psychology, Art History, and French Language and Literature from George Washington University and an MA and MEd in Mental Health Counseling from Columbia University. Dr. Berasi also holds a PsyD in Clinical Psychology from Long Island University. This article has been viewed 22,667 times.
22 votes - 92%
Co-authors: 8
Updated: January 1, 2023
Views: 22,667
Categories: Coming Out as LGBT | LGBT
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