How to Come Out As Transgender

Co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Coming out as transgender can feel scary—you may be worried about how people will react, about how you'll feel, or about saying the "perfect thing." But the truth is, there's no perfect way to come out. This is about you telling the world who you are, and no matter how you do it, that's a beautiful and brave thing to accomplish. And for anything else you need to know, look through our complete guide below. To learn how to come out as trans, read on!

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Preparing to Come Out as Trans

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Make sure you're safe—because that's the most important thing. Coming out is only a good idea if you know that you won't be hurt, endangered, or unfairly penalized. Only come out to people if you're pretty confident that they won't harm you.
- Even if you think you're safe, you might feel nervous. It's okay to take your time. There's no rush.
- If you aren't sure if someone might be accepting, try bringing up LGBT+ issues in conversation, without mentioning your own identity. Listen to their opinion. This can give you a sense of whether they would respect you.
- You don't owe your parents personal information about themselves, especially if they would use that information to abuse you. It's okay to stay closeted in order to protect your life, health, safety, or future (e.g. college funds).
- Telling coworkers that you're trans could result in discrimination at work, or even being fired for other "unrelated" reasons. This isn't right or fair, but it does happen to some people.
2
Tailor to your audience, because you deserve a smooth, easy conversation. Think about the people in your lives, and that ones who you trust. You may have certain friends or relatives who are more understanding and loving than others. Evaluate both the people who will likely support you and those who may not.^{[1]
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- If you are a minor, the coming out process may be more challenging since your parents are still legally responsible for you. If you are concerned that your parents will not be accepting, consider talking first with a friend or family member who you can trust. You may want to have someone on your side before coming out to your parents.
- Focus on preparing to come out to trusted and loving friends and family first.
- You don't need to come out to everyone all at once. Be strategic and tell those who are likely to be your allies first.
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3
Consider learning about your community so you can answer questions. Be knowledgeable about transgender issues. Understand the questions that your friends, relatives, and others may have about gender identity. By being more informed, you will show maturity and thoughtfulness in your coming out as transgender.^{[2]
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- Find literature or reading materials in your community or online. There may be LBGT community centers or youth groups in your area that provide information and helpful brochures.
- Learn about ways that your friends and family can be your allies via GLAAD: http://www.glaad.org/transgender/allies
- Understand your equal rights as a transgender person via the National Center for Transgender Equality: http://www.transequality.org/
- Find support as a LGBTQ youth about your coming out concerns via The LGBT National Help Center: 888-843-4564 or http://www.lgbthotline.org
- If your concerns about your gender identity are making you feel suicidal, contact The Trevor Project: 866-488-7386 or http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ or The Trans Lifeline: http://www.translifeline.org or 877-565-8860
4
Write a letter first if it feels easier to gather your thoughts that way. Get your thoughts out on paper as a way to find your voice and focus on what you want to say. No matter who the letter is intended for, be courteous and give them space to process the information.
- A letter can help you to focus on what you want to say without interruption.
- If you use a letter as a framework for coming out, it allows for the possibility of revision until you feel more comfortable with what you want to say. For example, let's say your tone is at times angry about being hurt in the past, and feeling unloved. Consider revising it to focus on how you are a stronger and more confident person about who you are, and what feels right for you.
- Sometimes a letter can reduce the pressure of face-to-face conversations, and can be useful if the person who you're coming out to is far away. For example, "I know it has been a while since we last saw each other. I hope that we can see each other soon, and I can tell you more about what I've been going through. I have been struggling with my identity for many years. I want to be able to talk openly in the future about what I'm going through."
- Consider having this letter handy when the day comes that you meet and talk in person about coming out.
5
Practice your message aloud so you go in feeling confident. Sometimes it's good to practice in the same way you might practice when giving a speech or preparing a presentation. It can help you find the right tone and words to use. It can help you become more comfortable with saying "I'm transgender."
- Find a private room or space where you can practice.
- Consider practicing with someone who you trust and who you've already come out to.
- Don't try to rush and say everything at once. Pace yourself, and allow the audience to process each part of what you have to say.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Coming Out

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Identify the best time and place to come out. Think about the "who, what, where, and when" of coming out. Be sure about who you want to tell, and that you trust them. Choose somewhere that is neutral and safe. Consider spaces that are more private, where there aren't people who you know who could be eavesdropping.^{[3]
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- Choose a time that won't feel rushed or shortened by other activities, events, or obligations. You don't want people to be distracted.
- Consider places that aren't at school or at work. Avoid spaces where there are people you know and don't trust.
2
Be confident and authentic in coming out. Make sure that you want to come out, rather than feeling like you have to. Remember that this is your life, and how you come out is entirely up to you. Be confident in who you are, and share authentically about your experiences with being transgender. Understand your own identity at a transgender person.
- It's your life, and you can decide how, and in what ways, to come out. Be uniquely who you are and share from your experiences with being a transgender person. For example, you might share about what has been a struggle for you, such as feeling out of place among your peers. If coming to terms with being transgender has been a relief for you, then share this as well.
- Be thoughtful in how you describe and understand yourself as a transgender person.
- When talking about yourself as transgender, speak firmly with confidence. Be willing to be flexible and responsive to what others have to say. Consider saying, "I am confident that I am transgender. I know that you may have questions or not know what to say. That's okay. I'm open to listening."
3
Be patient when coming out. This process won't happen overnight, and will continue to shift and change as you and your loved ones understand more about being transgender. Know that as you get older, go to different schools, get jobs, or interact with new people that you will still be coming out throughout your life. Be patient with the process.^{[4]
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- While it may be nerve-racking at first, being honest with yourself and others about who you are can be deeply gratifying and make you feel better over time.
- Be accepting that others may not understand this process in the same way. Be patient with others who may want to help, but have ignorance about what you're going through. For example, if someone says, "You don't seem like someone who's transgender," be patient, and explore what being transgender means to you, rather than trying to correct them.
- Focus on how to remain calm, centered, and relaxed. Do things that help to relieve stress in healthy ways before you plan to talk about coming out.
4
Sit and talk about coming out. Learn to be open and direct in a loving way with your friends and family. Allow them time to respond and ask questions. They may react with shock, support, or frustration, but no matter what, remain calm and respectful. Tell them about your journey, and that you wish to transition or identify as transgender.
- Be open to answering their questions, no matter how small or odd the questions may seem. If you are not sure of how to answer, then provide them with resources or reading materials to help them.
- Give them time to respond, and understand that their first reactions may not represent how they feel later on. Sometimes shock or confusion can affect how a person responds.
- Consider that some people may react out of ignorance, be concerned for your safety, or try to change your mind. Tell them you are taking the process of coming out seriously and have thought about their concerns.
5
Be prepared to respond to common questions and concerns. Many people don't fully understand transgender issues, and they may need some help learning. In many cases, your loved ones just want you to be happy, so let them know that this is what makes you happy, and tell them how they can support you.
- "How long have you felt this way?" "I've known ever since I was 14. I realized I'd be much happier if I got to be a boy."
- "Why did you choose this?" "I can't choose how I feel about my gender, any more than you can. But I can choose to either hide myself, or to do what makes me happy. And this will make me so much happier than hiding would. I hope I'll have your support."
- "Does this mean you're a drag queen/king?" "No, drag is a performance that people do for fun. But this is very real for me. It'll impact my health and happiness."
- "Are you sure this is right?" "I've thought about it for a while, and the idea of trying to be [wrong gender] just makes me feel sad/awful/sick/hopeless. I feel like I'd be much happier and more confident if I could live as a [correct gender]."
- "Am I a bad parent? Did I cause this somehow?" "No, I'm pretty sure I was born this way. If you were a bad parent, then I would be too scared to ever tell you this. But I'm telling you this because I trust you, and I want you to be part of my life."
- "Will this change things?" "Not a ton, necessarily. I'm still the same person, and I still love you just the same. You just understand me better now. And the transition will probably help me be less grumpy/sad/irritable/whatever too, because I'll have a lot more fun when I get to be myself."
- "I'm worried. I've heard that awful things can happen to trans people." "I know. I've read the research. I've also seen the research saying that trans people are much happier and healthier when they come out and are accepted by the community. Support can prevent many of those awful things from happening. I hope you can help me through this, so I can live my best life."
- "I don't understand this. I want to help, but I don't know how." "That's okay. We'll work it out together. I'll tell you how you can help me through this. The biggest thing I need is your love and support."
6
End the conversation if it is not going well. In some cases, having a conversation about coming out might not work out as you hoped it would. If you feel like the people you are coming out to are not being supportive or kind, then you might want to gracefully end the conversation for the time being.
- "Thank you for listening. I'll be leaving now."
- "I don't think this conversation is going anywhere. I'll talk to you later."
7
Consider the pros and cons of coming out via social media. The wisdom of this depends on your audience. There may be some people who may not be accepting when you come out. However, you may be surprised at how much support you will receive! Many people have different "circles" for different social media accounts, or may have more followers on one account than the other. You can start off by coming out on whatever site (Facebook, Instagram, etc.) you feel that people would be most accepting.
- Decide how you want to come out. Would you like to include a photo in your coming out post? Would you prefer a simple "I'm trans", or a longer paragraph? It's up to you. Just write what comes from the heart.
- After you post, remember to like and reply to all positive comments.
- Don't respond to negative comments, if you get them. Delete them, and block/report if it feels right. You may lose followers. (Sometimes, the trash takes itself out.) The people who remain are the more positive ones.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Finding Support

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Seek advice from supportive friends or family. Continue to reach out to those who trust and have been by your side in the past.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.} Ask them about challenges they have faced in their own lives, and how they overcame them. Show them that you care about what they have to say.
- Finding advice and support in person can be reassuring and helpful as you continue to come out and let others know about your gender identity.
- Understand that even if your friends or family have not personally experienced what it is like to come out as transgender, they may have personal struggles with their own identities. For example, ask them, "Have you ever faced feeling like you didn't belong or fit in?"
- Feeling different or misunderstood is something that everyone goes through from time to time in their lives. Use this as a way to connect with others who feel this way, rather than distance yourself.
2
Talk to supportive professionals about your physical transition. Many trans people benefit from hormones and/or surgery to help their body match their gender a little more clearly. You may be struggling with what you plan to do both physically and emotionally. Seek advice from experts who have helped others find their path.^{[6]
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- Talk with your doctor about making physical changes to your body. This may involve hormone replacement therapy or surgery. Talk with your doctor about a possible referral to a specialist in these types of medical procedures. Ask, "I am considering transitioning as a man (or woman) and want know about the medical treatments available in this area. Can you help me or make a referral?"
3
Consider seeing a counselor. Coming out as transgender can be tough, and the ensuing transition process isn't always easy. A counselor can help you cope with the challenges, and offer advice on handling difficult times. They can also treat anxiety, depression, and other illnesses that trans people can be at risk for.
- Some LGBT+ groups have counseling centers, and may offer individual or group therapy.^{[7]
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  Expert Source
  
  Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}
4
Connect with the LGBT community. Whether it's online or in-person, there is an LGBT community out there that can help you navigate your coming out process and what feels right for you. You don't have to feel alone or isolated as you make choices about how to talk with your family, or what to do when things are tough. Seeking support will make the process easier for you.^{[8]
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- Find online forums or support groups. This can be helpful if you're not yet ready to talk with people face-to-face.
- Find community centers in your area. Go to CenterLink and find a directory of centers: http://www.lgbtcenters.org/
- Find peer support and counselors to talk with by phone or by chat. Go to the LGBT National Help Center: http://www.lgbthotline.org/

Expert Advice

Consider coming out to someone you trust first. If you're thinking about how you want to come out, it can help to test the waters by coming out to your friends or someone else you feel will be supportive before you tell your family. For a lot of people, coming out to their parents and siblings often seems like the biggest step, or maybe even the hardest step.
Take some time to reflect on what your identity means to you. If you're considering coming out as having a diverse gender identity, I'd encourage you to reflect on it a lot. Do your research and learn as much as possible about it means for you, or how you feel it fits for you.
Look for a supportive community. Before you come out to someone, it's important to think about whether you would feel safe doing so. Seek out support, whether that's friends, a teacher, a coach, or a community leader.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.} There are also online resources where you can hear other people's stories and get advice from other people about how they came out.

From Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Warnings

This may cause some family and friends to not want to talk to you. Unfortunately, this is a by-product of ignorance and resistance to change. Focus on the people who will talk to you and love you no matter what.

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Make sure you have a safe place to go if things do not go the way you planned and you are put in danger. A friend's house is usually best, or a family member who lives close by (grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc.).

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Don't hesitate to contact authorities or trusted adults if someone harasses you or threatens you. Put your safety first.

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