How to Tell Your Boyfriend You Prefer Girls

Co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Last Updated: June 20, 2022

Coming out of the closet is one thing, but explaining to your boyfriend that you're not interested in men is another tricky step to have to take. Here are some suggestions to help get you through this sensitive situation.

Steps

1
Consider what you want and why you desire it. Take some time to reflect on your emotions and the reasoning behind your decision. Be honest with yourself. It's fine to do what's best for you, even though the other person may suffer as a result of your decision. All you have to do now is do it with tact. ^{[1]
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2
Consider what you'll say and how you think your partner will react. Will your boyfriend be surprised? Sad? Mad? Hurt? Or perhaps even relieved? It can help you to be sensitive if you consider the other person's point of view and feelings. It also helps to prepare and plan what you're going to say beforehand. ^{[2]
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3
Justify your actions. Maybe you're bisexual or lesbian, or maybe you've discovered yourself and gone through experiences and now know what you want and have changed. Explain this to your partner and respond to questions honestly. ^{[3]
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4
Have good intentions. Make it clear to the other person that they are important to you. Consider the traits you wish to convey to the other person, such as honesty, kindness, sensitivity, respect, and compassion. ^{[4]
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5
Be honest, but not harsh. Tell the other person what drew you to him in the first place, as well as what you admire about him. Then explain why you'd like to break up or do. "Honesty" does not imply "brutal." Don't use the attributes of the other person to explain why something isn't working. Consider how you can be nice and kind while remaining truthful. ^{[5]
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6
Say it in person. Breaking up in person shows respect (and demonstrates your positive characteristics). If you live a long distance away, consider video chatting or at the very least making a phone call. ^{[6]
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7
Confide in someone you trust, if it helps. Talking through your feelings with a trusted friend might be beneficial. However, make sure the person you confide in can keep it private until you have your break-up chat with your partner. ^{[7]
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8
Ensure that your boyfriend hears your feelings from you first, rather than from someone else. That is one of the reasons why talking to trusted people such as, siblings, and other adults might be beneficial. They're not going to say anything or let it out by accident. ^{[8]
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9
Listen to your partner. Pay attention to what the other person is trying to communicate. Be patient, and don't be surprised if the other person appears irritated or dissatisfied with your words. ^{[9]
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10
Know where you want to go from there. Do you want to stay in a relationship with your partner? Do you want an open relationship with your partner? Do you want to break up? Talk to your partner and identify what actions you want to take. You may even find that once you discuss this topic with your boyfriend, he might want to break up with you. ^{[10]
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Warnings

Don't try to avoid the other person or the necessary talk. In the long term, dragging things out makes things more difficult.

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If you think he may react violently, have someone with you for both moral support and assistance.

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