How to Discreetly Find out if Someone You Know Is Gay

Co-authored by Kateri Berasi, PsyD and Danielle Blinka, MA, MPA

Last Updated: September 7, 2022 References

Someone’s sexuality is personal, so it’s important to respect their privacy. However, you might want to know if a person is gay because you’re interested in dating them or want to support them as a friend. Being open with them can be scary, so you’re likely feeling really nervous. While you can’t tell if someone is gay by how they look, you can observe them to see if they're queer. However, you need to talk to them if you want to be sure. If you’re interested in dating them, start by asking them to hang out as friends so you can get to know them better.

Disclaimer: the term ‘queer’ is used throughout this article to include different types of orientations and is not intended to offend or insult.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Observing Their Behavior

1
Listen to how they comment on other people’s appearance. People who are queer are more likely to notice and compliment people who are the same gender as them. Pay attention when the person is talking about people to see which sex they tend to focus on. Additionally, consider the types of comments they're making, such as opinions about the person's appearance.^{[1]
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- For example, your guy friend might say things like, “Did you see that guy’s abs?” or “He looks great in a suit.”
- Keep in mind that this alone doesn’t mean the person is gay!
2
Consider the person's past relationships and crushes. It’s possible that the person is bisexual/pansexual, and they may even be gay but not ready to come out. However, showing interest in a different gender is typically a sign that someone is straight. To figure out if they’re interested in a certain gender, consider who they typically date, who they’ve had a crush on, and which gender they tend to compliment.^{[2]
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- For instance, a guy that enjoys dating girls is probably straight, though he may be bisexual or pansexual.
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3
Notice if they use “they” when talking about dates or crushes. If they’re dating someone who’s the same gender as them, they might use the pronouns “they” and “them” so that people don’t realize they’re queer. Listen to how they talk about their dates to figure out if they tend to say “they.” If they do, you might want to talk to them about their orientation.^{[3]
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- They might say, “My date went well last night. They were really interesting, and I hope they’ll say ‘yes’ to a second date!”
- Keep in mind that they might be using the pronouns ‘they’ and ‘them’ because they are their date’s preferred pronouns. Don’t make assumptions until you talk to them.
4
Consider if they never talk about their love life. If someone is in the closet, it might be hard for them to talk about their love life. They might be nervous that someone will realize that they’re queer, which they might not be ready for. Be open with them about your own dating life, then ask about theirs. If they don't want to open up, don't push them to share more than they're ready for.^{[4]
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- You could say, “I’ve been seeing this guy lately, and I think our relationship has a future. How’s your dating life going?”
- Again, this doesn't mean that they're gay.
5
Avoid making assumptions based on their looks, style, or voice. In the past, people believed the myth that you could recognize a queer person by looking at their face, observing their style, watching them walk, or listening to their voice. However, none of that is true! Both gay and straight people can look, dress, and sound however they want to. Ignore the stereotypes that you see in the media because they aren’t true.^{[5]
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- For example, a guy can paint his fingernails and not be gay. Similarly, a girl can prefer a short haircut and not be a lesbian.
- Additionally, straight guys can have high pitched voices just like straight girls can have deep voices.
- At the end of the day, it is always better to ask than to make assumptions!^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kateri Berasi, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.}

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Talking to Them

1
Bring up the topic of sexuality to start the conversation. Talk about a book, movie, TV show, or current event that is related to sexuality. Share your LGBTQ+ positive thoughts on the topic. Then, listen as they share their thoughts.^{[7]
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- You might say, “I really enjoyed Hayley Kiyoko's new video for ‘Girls Like Girls!’ It made me wear my rainbow bracelet today. What did you think?”
- Before talking with someone about their sexuality, ask yourself why you want to know this and why it matters to you. Are you coming from an open or judgmental place? If you're asking due to a desire to find connection or from a place of empathy or support, these are good indicators that your question is more likely to be well-received.^{[8]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kateri Berasi, PsyD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.}
2
Express your support for the LGBTQ+ community. If you’re out of the closet, let them know that you’re proud of your sexual identity. If you’re an ally, tell them that you support the community. Then, see how they respond.^{[9]
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- Say, “I came out to my family last year, and it was so hard! But it’s so great to be able to share my truth with everyone, and I’m proud of who I am,” or “I think it’s important for everyone to feel accepted, so I’m an ally for the LGBTQ+ community. If we all work together, we can create real change.”
3
Ask them directly if they are gay if they seem open to talking about it. If the person seems excited to talk about LGBTQ+ issues, they likely won’t be offended if you ask if they’re gay.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Kateri Berasi, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 9 September 2021.} Be direct and to the point when you ask. Then, be respectful of their response, even if they decline to answer.^{[11]
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- Say, “Have you ever questioned your sexual orientation?” or “Do you identify as gay/queer?”
4
Let the person come out on their own terms. It’s important to remember that it’s not really your business if someone is queer or not. If they don’t want to share with you, just let it go. Similarly, keep it to yourself if they confide that they are queer. Let them decide who knows and who doesn’t.^{[12]
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- Don’t pressure someone to share if they aren’t ready.
- If someone asks you if the person is queer, say, “If you’re wondering about their sexual orientation, why don’t you ask them?”
5
Avoid asking other people about the person’s sexuality. While you might be nervous about talking to them, it’s not okay to discuss their sexuality with other people. This is gossiping and may start rumors that aren’t true. Don’t talk to anyone else about this person’s sexuality.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source
FamilyDoctor.org
Family-focused medical advice site run by the American Academy of Family Doctors
Go to source}
- For instance, don’t ask, “Do you think that Todd is gay?”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Asking Them on a Date

1
Ask them to go out as friends if you’re interested in dating them. You’re likely eager to get to know them as a partner, so asking them to hang out as friends might sound like a step backward. However, it’s actually a great way to get to know them and find out if they’re open to dating. Invite them to do something as friends and use it as an opportunity to build a foundation for a relationship.^{[14]
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- Say, “Would you like to play mini golf this Friday?” or “I heard you like live music. Do you want to go see this local band with me?”
2
Get to know them by spending more time with them. Ask them to do more things together so you can get to know them better. Additionally, text or call them often to help your relationship grow. As you do this, be open about your sexuality and listen to how they talk about theirs.^{[15]
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- Ask them to do things like go out for dinner, see a movie, or go bowling.
- Say things like, “I’ve known I liked girls since I was 12 and developed a crush on a girl in my dance class. Have you ever had a crush on a girl?”
3
Flirt with them after you’ve gotten to know them a bit. Start by giving them small compliments to see how they respond. If they seem receptive, try out a cute nickname to see if they like it. Finally, get a little closer to them physically.^{[16]
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- You might say something like, “You look so great today! This shirt is really flattering on you,” or “Every time I see you walk into the room all I can do is smile.”
Warning: Just be sure to respect their boundaries and back off if they get stiff, pull away, or wrap their arms around themselves.
4
Invite them out on a date if you think they might be open to it. After you’ve gotten to know them really well, decide if they seem open to dating you. If they do, go ahead and ask them on a real date. You can do this in person, via text, or as part of a romantic gesture.^{[17]
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- Say, “Spending time with you has been so great! Would you be interested in going on a date? If not, that’s totally okay, and I’m happy to just be your friend.”
- You could also text, “Getting to know you these past few months has been amazing. Wanna try a date? If not, we’re still on for game night.”
- You could send flowers with a note that says, “Would you like to have a first date with me? If so, text me a picture of the flowers. If not, our friendship can go on like nothing happened.”
5
Cope with rejection by celebrating yourself and connecting with friends. It's likely that you're going to develop feelings for people who aren't into you. While everyone goes through this, it can feel especially painful when it seems like everyone you like is straight. If you get rejected, remember that it's not about you, so there's no reason to doubt how awesome you are. Instead, remind yourself that you're an amazing person who's worthy of love, then spend time with your friends to lift yourself up.^{[18]
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- Don't be afraid to put yourself out there again! Go out and meet some new people. Soon, you'll find someone else who catches your eye.

Community Q&A

Question

What should I do if I'm bisexual and neither my parents nor my religion support LGBT rights?

Community Answer

If it's not safe for you to come out, don't do it. I know that there is a lot of pressure to come out and be yourself, but if you won't be safe, it's best to wait. If you really need to talk to someone, there are websites out there that can help. Tumblr is a good one. You could also talk to a friend in real life, if you know you can trust them.
Question

I'm bisexual and I prefer girls slightly more than guys, but I always find it hard to ask a girl out because I'm afraid she's straight. How do I get past that?

Community Answer

Understand that some girls are straight, and that rejection is inevitable for everyone, even for straight people. Obviously it will be easier if you know a girl is queer, but if you don't know, you don't have to ask her outright. Make a flirtatious remark or two, casually touch her, see how she reacts. If she flirts back, then go ahead and ask. Remember, most likely the worst thing that will happen is she will tell you she's not interested. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Question

What do I say to friends who ask if my gay son has a girlfriend?

PreuxFox

Top Answerer

Just tell them no. If he has a boyfriend, ask if he is okay with your friends knowing that. If he is, then you can tell them he has a boyfriend. But don't feel you need to explain any further.

Warnings

If your friend tells you they’re gay, don’t bombard them with personal questions. Let them share what they’re ready to tell you.

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Helpful 60 Not Helpful 1
If someone is open with you about their sexual orientation, it doesn’t mean they’re comfortable with other people knowing. Don’t out them, because it could put them in an uncomfortable or dangerous situation.

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Helpful 14 Not Helpful 0
They could get angry at you for prying into their lives and relationships.

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Helpful 6 Not Helpful 6
Never try to change someone’s sexuality and don’t tell them that you think it’s wrong. If you care about them, you’ll respect who they are.

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Helpful 12 Not Helpful 2