How to Tell When You've Been Rejected

Co-authored by Crista Beck

Last Updated: January 31, 2023 References

Did you ask someone out or confess a crush, but you can’t tell how it was received? Sometimes, people’s responses to your romantic interest can be confusing or vague. In order to know how to proceed, you need to find out if you’ve actually been rejected or not.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Trying to Make Plans with Them

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Suggest getting together with them. Listen for how they respond. If they seem enthusiastic, that’s a good sign. If they sound wishy-washy or annoyed, they may be trying to gently reject you.^{[1]
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- Keep a positive attitude when you ask to hang out. Don’t assume you’ve been rejected already. You can say something like, "So, would you like to get together soon?"
- If the person says they’re too busy right now, respect that. Even if they like you, they may be too busy to invest time in someone right now.
- Try to make your invitation as direct as possible.^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Crista Beck
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 26 August 2021.}
2
Try talking to that person. If they are interested in talking to you, that is a good sign. But if you see that person avoiding you, they may be trying to say that they reject you. Choose a specific time and activity. When you ask someone to “hang out sometime,” it’s easy for them to say “yes.” That’s because they probably won’t have to follow through. Try asking the person to hang out at a specific time or place.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Crista Beck
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Expert Interview. 26 August 2021.}
- Suggest something you’re sure they’d enjoy. If you know they love sports, you could invite them to a game. If there’s a movie you’re both excited about, suggest that you go together. If they turn down the opportunity to do something they’d enjoy anyway, they’re probably rejecting you.
- Say something like, "That movie you were talking about is opening on Thursday. Do you want to make plans to go together?"
- If they accept your invitation, follow through and confirm the plans. It’s possible they may be thinking of this as simply a friendly hangout, but you can’t be sure yet.
- You can send a text or e-mail later that day (or the next) something like, "So, should we confirm plans for Wednesday? I'm free at 8 if that works for you."
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3
Suggest another time or activity. This may feel hard if you already suspect you’re being rejected. However, unless you offer an alternate suggestion, you may not be completely sure that you were rejected. You may always wonder if it was simply not good timing.^{[4]
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4
Keep it simple. You can say something like, "It's too bad you can't come to the movie on Thursday. I was planning to go to the beach on Saturday, though. Would you be interested in that?"
- If they accept your invitation this time, that could be a great sign. It may mean that they are in fact busy, but are willing to make the time for you.
- If they turn down your second suggestion or are unwilling to commit to a date and time, chances are they’re trying to reject you.
5
Tell them they can contact you if they’d like to hang out. There’s no reason to keep putting yourself out there for someone who’s probably not interested. Let them know that they can get in touch with you if they’d like to see you. This puts the ball in their court so that you can move on with your life.^{[5]
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- Even if you feel hurt and disappointed, keep a positive attitude when you do this. Try not to appear bitter or angry. At the end of the day, you're both different people with unique personalities and preferences.^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Crista Beck
  Dating Coach & Matchmaker
  Expert Interview. 26 August 2021.}
- You can say something like, “It seems like you’re really busy right now. If you ever have the time and would like together, here’s my number.”
- Prepare yourself for the fact that they may not ever call. Just because the ball is in their court doesn’t mean they’re going to pick it up.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Staying in Touch with Them

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Notice if they ever initiate communication. Are you always the one to start a text conversation, or to say hello when you run into each other? Does having a conversation or e-mail exchange feel like pulling teeth? If you’re always the one to start a conversation or to keep it going, they might be trying to pull away from you.^{[7]
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2
Try calling them on the phone. Some forms of communication can be easy for a person to respond to even if they’re not that into it. A person who isn’t interested in you may be willing to respond with texts or instant messages. However, if they won’t talk to you on the phone, they may be rejecting you.
- Always leave a message if they don’t pick up. You can say something like, “I’d like to get together soon. Give me a call back when you can.”
- Avoid calling “just to talk.” This might seem odd, and some people don’t enjoy talking on the phone. Have something specific in mind. You could be calling to invite them somewhere, or to ask them a question.
- You can say something like, "I just saw an ad in the paper for that play you mentioned. Would you like to get tickets to go together?"
3
Stop contacting them for a little while. If you can’t tell who usually initiates communication, try stepping back for a week or two. See if they contact you without your suggestion. If they do, that’s a great sign. It probably means they have noticed your disappearance and miss you. If they don’t contact you, it’s possible they may not have noticed, or that they are assuming you’ve gotten the message.
- If you have strong feelings for this person, it might be hard to not hear from them for a while. However, you need to take this step to find out if you’re being rejected.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Asking them Directly

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Decide how you want to approach them. Asking someone directly whether or not they’re interested in you is scary. You may want to find a time to talk to them in person, or you may want to use text or e-mail. You should choose the method that feels safest and most comfortable for you.^{[8]
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- Asking via text or e-mail gives the other person more time to respond without feeling put on the spot. However, you’ll have to wait for the response, and that can be nerve wracking.
- Asking in person will give you an immediate response, but the person might feel put on the spot.
2
Ask them if they’re interested in a casual way. Even if you feel desperate for their affection, try to avoid showing it. Ask them in a simple, up front way, and make it clear that you’re open to whatever their answer will be. Try to keep the exchange low stakes. They may not be interested in you, but that says more about them than it does about you.
- If you’re contacting them via text or e-mail, you can say something like, “It’s been hard for me to tell from your messages whether you’re interested in getting together. If you’re interested, I’d love to find a way to make plans. If you’re not, I completely understand that, too.”
- Some people may still be too shy to be honest that they’re not interested. If they say something like, “I do like you. I’m just busy,” you should put the ball back in their court. You can say, “Cool. Well, feel free to hit me up whenever you want to make time to hang out.”
- In person, you can say something like, “I really enjoy spending time with you, and it’s hard for me to tell if you feel the same way. Can we talk about that?” This will most likely spur the person to talk about their feelings.
3
Respond gracefully. If the person can tell you that they are in fact interested, that’s great. Let them know that you’d like to take steps to spend time with them. If they aren’t interested, let them know you understand their feelings.^{[9]
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- If you have in fact been rejected, you can say something like, "Thanks for being direct with me about that. I really hope we can still be friends."
- Avoid asking them why they aren’t interested in you. This can put the other person in an uncomfortable situation.
- Once you are certain that you’ve been rejected, you can confidently move on. It may be hard at first, but there’s no reason to dwell on someone whom you know isn’t interested in you.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you ask if you've been rejected?

Crista Beck
Dating Coach & Matchmaker
Crista Beck is a Dating and Relationship Coach and Matchmaker. With over a decade of experience, she specializes in helping people become open to love and find a partner. Crista has been featured in numerous media sources such as ABC, NBC, Fox, and TEDx. She is also the author of the book, Break The Glass Slipper: Free Yourself from Fairy Tale Fantasies and Find True Love in Real Life. Crista holds a BS in Communication Studies with a focus on Interpersonal Communication from The University of Texas at Austin.

Crista Beck

Dating Coach & Matchmaker

Expert Answer

Instead of asking point-blank if you've been rejected, make your invitation as direct and specific as possible. If the person says no, you'll know for sure.

Warnings

If you’re overly sensitive, you may sense that you’ve been rejected even when you haven’t. You can always talk to a friend and ask their opinion of a situation.

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Rejection can feel awful sometimes. Remember that this one rejection does not define who you are or what your future will look like.

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