How to Accept That He's Just Not That Into You

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: January 5, 2023 References

Facing the Truth

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Stopping False Hope

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Moving On

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Tips

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Warnings

Sometimes, you just have to accept that the guy you like doesn't feel the same way. When you find yourself wondering, "Why isn't he calling? Why doesn't he care?" it's time to move on to the other fish in the sea—there are plenty of them. As much as it hurts, you have to face the reality that he's just not that into you—and then move on. You deserve a relationship with someone who doesn’t make you wonder how they feel about you!

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Facing the Truth

1
Stop making excuses for his behavior. If a guy really likes you and is ready for and available for a relationship, it will be obvious to you.^{[1]
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Research source} Otherwise, he is either stringing you along, is not ready for a relationship for some reason, or does not want to tell you the truth himself.
- He may have gotten hurt in his last relationship and is still healing from that experience, or he may simply not be interested for whatever reason. It’s not your job to try to figure out why he’s not calling, or to try to fix the situation.
2
Be aware of the signs of a one-sided relationship. If you constantly have to reassure yourself that he’ll come around eventually if you just wait a little bit longer, you are likely in a one-sided relationship. Some say that distance makes the heart grow fonder, but most likely his distance is only making him seem more enticing to you, while he is free to come and go as he pleases.
- Some behavioral signs to watch for include one partner taking an interest more than the other such as by doing things like asking about their life/day, inviting them to events, asking about what they like/prefer, etc. Another sign might be one person prioritizing the relationship more than the other such as by checking in about plans, thinking of the other person prior to making plans, setting aside time for phone calls or dates, etc.
- If you find yourself listening to sad songs on the radio, and staring at the phone which may never ring, you are likely in a one-sided relationship.
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3
Don’t try to be someone you’re not. It’s dangerous to change yourself to conform to what you think he wants. Take it seriously if trusted friends and family members comment to you about how you’re changing to “get a guy.” Changing yourself for someone else isn’t going to lead to a healthy relationship. Besides, it’s a lot more enjoyable to be with someone who knows, admires, and cares about the real you.
4
Take notice of the red flags you’ve been ignoring. Often, actions speak louder than words, and when you stop making excuses for him and see his uninterested behavior for what it really is, you will free yourself to find a more balanced relationship with someone who deserves your love. After all, you deserve someone who can’t wait to spend more time with you, not someone who you have to convince to call you.
- If you are unsure about his feelings toward you, are constantly questioning where things stand or whether he is in or out of a relationship with you, then he probably just isn’t that into you.^{[2]
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- If he tells you that he doesn’t know what he wants, take him at his word! He is not reciprocating your interest, and you deserve the type of relationship that doesn’t make you question your place in his life.
- If he calls you or wants to see you on the weekend, but drops off the face of the earth during the week, there is something going on. You tell yourself that he is busy with work or school, but when a guy is truly interested and committed to a relationship, he will find the time to reach out and communicate with you.^{[3]
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- If he talks about his ex often, he most likely isn’t over them yet and is therefore not ready or available for a relationship with you.^{[4]
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Be honest with yourself. The best way to cope with the pain of rejection is to not lie to yourself as if you don't care at all. Just accept the truth that you read his interest wrong and that you got hurt in the process.
- Consider the possibility that your feelings for him have become inflated simply because they aren’t returned. We often want what we can’t have.^{[5]
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- Keep in mind that there are things you can't control. You can't make someone like/love you or even change their behavior, no matter how much you want to. They have to be willing to do that.
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Acknowledge your feelings. Your feelings are real and valid, and it can help to know that falling in love with someone is a perfectly normal, healthy human behavior. Even if the love is not reciprocated, acknowledging that you feel deeply about someone is important.
- Talk it out with a trusted friend or a counselor to help you work through your feelings and to avoid the urge to suppress them just because they are painful.
- Give yourself permission to think about how you feel about him, but try to limit your thoughts to just a few minutes each day, so that they don’t become all-consuming and obsessive.
7
Treat yourself kindly. Think positively about yourself, and remember all of your good qualities, and all of the activities that you enjoy. Indulge yourself with a relaxing spa day, go for a hike on a beautiful day, or spend some time with a good friend.
- Create a mantra. Think of a brief positive phrase that you can say to yourself when you are feeling down and need reassurance that it's all going to be okay. This can be something as simple as “keep your head up and your heart open”.^{[6]
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- Spend a few minutes each day meditating in a quiet place. Think about this experience as an opportunity for personal growth, and keep in mind that you won’t always feel this way. The way you deal with your loss will help you grow stronger as a person.
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Take back your power. Your value and worth as a person have nothing to do with his perception of you. Remember that his lack of interest in a relationship with you does not mean that you are not worthy of a great relationship with the right person. Never let someone else’s interest or lack of interest in you define your own self-worth.^{[7]
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- Put yourself in his shoes. Unless he is a sociopath, he is likely not trying to hurt you. Have you ever had the experience of having to let someone down easy who you are not that interested in? Keep in mind that next time, you may be the person who is just not that into someone who has unrequited feelings for you.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Stopping False Hope

1
Manage your expectations. Once you have found some clarity regarding the situation, and realized that your feelings for him are not reciprocated, it is time to match your expectations of what will happen in reality. The expectation that today will be the day that he asks you out, wants to get back together, or finally realizes that you are the girl of his dreams only serves to keep you in the painful cycle of getting your hopes up and then disappointing you over and over.
- Center your expectations of the day on things that you have some control over such as having lunch with a friend, getting to class on time, and enjoying some time outside in nature.
- Begin each day with a positive outlook. Don’t allow yourself to pin your happiness on whether or not he reaches out to you. You have no control over how anyone else feels, acts, or behaves. By reining in your own expectations of what you believe should happen on any given day, you can give yourself some peace.^{[8]
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- Be open to any possibility. For example, if he hasn’t called you in several days, you can stop stressing yourself out with the notion that it might happen today. By letting go of the expectation, you release yourself from the pain of it not being fulfilled.
2
Avoid magical thinking. Magical thinking is the tendency that we learn as children to romanticize everything, and to find extra meaning and purpose in a relationship when it really doesn’t exist. When you think that you have met “the one”, that fate has brought you together, or that the two of you are meant to be, it can be difficult to let go of the hope that he will eventually see that you are the perfect girl for him.
- Take off your rose-colored glasses. Allow yourself to see through your idealized version of him and notice his flaws. The truth is, there is no “perfect” person or relationship. Magical thinking is unhealthy because it creates fairy-tale standards that no real person could possibly live up to.
- Let go of unhealthy beliefs and rituals, such as getting up on a certain side of the bed every morning in the hope that doing so will make him call you that day. Accept that there is no causation between your actions and his actions.^{[9]
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3
Let yourself grieve. When his lack of interest in a relationship has become undeniable, it's time to cope with the pain. Be gentle with yourself, as you are likely embarrassed and reprimanding yourself for putting your heart on the line. Remember that you are just a human being. We all have feelings, and hope for and have a need for love, it's in our nature...Forgive yourself because you never meant to hurt yourself.
- Pamper yourself with a hot bubble bath or a trip to the nail salon.
- Talk to your friends and family, and let them comfort you. We have all been in a similar situation before.
- Take yourself out on a date to a movie you’ve been wanting to see.
4
Play it cool. It can be rather difficult to swallow your feelings when you’re around him, especially if you work with him or have a class together. Rather than focus on him and your uncomfortable feelings, concentrate on doing your best work, or help someone else out with a project.
- Make plans to be somewhere else right after class or work, so that you won’t have to worry about making awkward small talk with him.
- Always be kind yet reserved when you do have to talk to him.
5
Delete his contact information. Go ahead and remove his telephone number from your phone, so that you’re not tempted to call or text him. De-friend him on social media as well, so that can’t reach out to him that way, and there’s no risk of getting your heart broken all over again by seeing a picture of him with another girl.
- Make sure that you delete his voicemails and texts too, so that you can’t go back and re-read or listen to them.
6
Fill up your calendar. Make sure that you get involved with new activities and enjoy your own life. Now is the time to sign up for that art class you’ve been wanting to take, or go on a trip somewhere.
- Keep yourself busy with plans with friends as a way to cope with rejection/sadness. Develop a daily routine for yourself and spend time with your friends and family to get support.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving On

1
Take your time. Having feelings for someone that are not returned is a painful experience. Give yourself plenty of time to heal and reflect on what you’ve learned about yourself. By taking the time for introspection and self-evaluation, you can take stock of what happened, and notice any patterns that tend to permeate all of your relationships.^{[10]
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- Release your regrets about what happened, and think of this as a time to mend your broken heart.
2
Date other people. By being open to seeing other people, you will probably realize that the guy who broke your heart wasn’t the right one for you after all. There are a lot of other fish in the sea!
- Before you jump into a rebound relationship with another person, say to yourself, "I am not hoping to meet the one. I am not in a fairy tale, and I am already complete. I don't need a guy to be happy."
3
Heal your heart. You are perfect just the way you are; you are the most important person in your life. Build a life that you can be proud of and don't let any guy decide your value and worth for you. Love yourself and make yourself happy before loving anyone else!
- Make sure that your heart is fully healed before you share it with anyone else. You may want to hold off on dating for a while.
- Rebuild your self-esteem. Your self-esteem has likely taken a hit. Immerse yourself in activities that make you feel confident, such as playing your favorite sport or making dinner for your family.^{[11]
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- Set aside time in your life for the things that make you happy and fulfilled. Don’t forget to spend some time alone, too.
- Be patient with the healing process. It can take some time for your heart to recover from the pain of unrequited love.
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Learn about healthy relationships. It’s important that you don’t carry the baggage of this experience into your next relationship. To ensure that you’ll start off on a positive note, observe the romantic relationships in your life, whether that means your mom and dad’s relationship or your best friend’s relationship with her boyfriend. Ask the people in these seemingly happy, healthy relationships for advice and information.
- You can also research online or check out a self-help book on healthy relationships from the library.
- Educate yourself on some of the characteristics of a healthy relationship by going to: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201301/50-characteristics-healthy-relationships.

Warnings

Don't advertise your loss to the world or wear your grief on your sleeve like a badge of honor.

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Do not engage in vindictive behavior or try to sabotage any future relationship he may have.

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Don't get drunk and call him.

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