How to Talk to Your Wife About a Lack of Intimacy

Co-authored by Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: January 28, 2022 References

Experiencing a lack of intimacy is hard, but figuring out how to bring it up can be even harder. If you and your wife are going through a period of little to no sex, just know that you aren’t alone. Tons of married couples experience a mismatch of libidos from time to time, and the majority of them make it through just fine. Read through these steps to learn how you can bring up your intimacy issues and have an open and honest conversation with your wife.

1

Let her know what you want to talk about ahead of time.

That way, your wife won't feel blindsided by the conversation. Tell your wife that you’d like to talk about your intimacy levels, just so she can also prepare ahead of time. Try to tell her at least a few hours in advance, or even a couple of days if you two won’t get alone time before then. Say something like:^{[1]
X
Research source}
- “Hey, could we sit down and talk tomorrow after work? I wanted to chat about our sex life with you. Nothing bad, just to get a few things out in the open.”
- Or, “Let me know if you have time to talk in the next couple of days. I kind of wanted to see how you’re feeling about our sex life as of late.”
- Try approaching the conversation as a collaborative troubleshooting session rather than making it into something critical.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.}

2

Pick a quiet, private place to chat.

Make sure you have the house to yourself, or head out to a secluded area. A crowded restaurant probably isn’t the best spot, but a quiet park with no one else around definitely is. You want your wife to be able to speak freely without the fear of being overheard.^{[3]
X
Trustworthy Source
Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia
Go to source}
- If you two have kids, you’ll want to get out of the house for a while. No one wants to talk about sex with their children around, and your wife might feel uncomfortable.

3

Make sure you both feel calm and collected.

If you’re stressed or irritated, now’s not a good time for a talk. Make sure that you’re both feeling relatively stress-free, and that you’ve had a chance to relax and unwind from your day. If you aren’t sure whether or not your wife is ready to talk, ask her by saying something like:^{[4]
X
Trustworthy Source
Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia
Go to source}
- “Hey honey, let me know when you’re ready to chat.”
- “Hey, you want to talk soon? I’ll be in the living room.”

4

Start the conversation with something positive.

Thank her for being willing to talk to you about this subject. Sex can be a sensitive topic for a lot of people, and it might not be the easiest thing for your wife to discuss with you. Be sure to tell her you appreciate her coming to chat with you so she knows that you value her time.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Say something like:^{[6]
X
Trustworthy Source
Understood
Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia
Go to source}
- “I really appreciate you talking with me about this. I think it’s important that we stay open and honest with each other about everything.”
- Or, “I know this isn’t easy to talk about, so thank you for being open to it.”

5

State your feelings clearly and honestly.

Try not to beat around the bush, but be kind. Let your wife know that you’ve been feeling a little down lately, then tell her why.^{[7]
X
Expert Source

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.} Use “I” statements to avoid making her feel defensive, and to keep you both on the same team.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} You want to express your needs here, but you also don’t want to push your wife away. Try something like:^{[9]
X
Research source}
- “I know we’ve both been busy lately, but we’ve barely had sex at all this month. I just wanted to check in with you, because I’ve been feeling a little distant because of that.”
- Or, “When you reject my advances, it makes me feel like you aren’t attracted to me anymore. I want to talk about how often we have sex so we can both be on the same page.”

6

Avoid blaming her.

This will only put your wife on the defensive. Instead of telling her that your lack of intimacy is all her fault, be understanding, and let her know that her feelings matter, too.^{[10]
X
Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} You’re both in this relationship together as a team, and you aren’t trying to pit yourself against her.^{[11]
X
Expert Source

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.} You might say:^{[12]
X
Research source}
- “I understand that with your new job, you’ve been under a lot of stress lately.”
- “Both of us could be better about making time for our relationship.”

7

Listen to her perspective.

Once you’ve said what you needed to say, sit back and listen to your wife. Try not to interrupt, and show that you’re listening by looking into her eyes and nodding.^{[13]
X
Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Don’t be afraid to ask follow-up questions if you don’t understand what she’s saying. This will help foster a healthy, productive conversation.^{[14]
X
Research source}^{[15]
X
Expert Source

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.}
- You could say things like, “Could you tell me more?” or, “So what you’re saying is…” to show that you’re really listening.

8

Validate her feelings.

Let your wife know that whatever she’s feeling is okay. Even if you don’t “agree” with her perspective or you don’t quite understand it, validating her will make her feel much more understood. Plus, if you show that you understand where she’s coming from, she’ll probably be more open to talking about solutions and a way forward with you.^{[16]
X
Research source}
- For instance, you might say something like, “I didn’t know you were feeling that way. Thanks for letting me know.”
- Or, “It’s totally fine that you’re feeling like that. I feel like I understand your position a bit better now.”

9

Come up with solutions that work for the both of you.

Sex and intimacy are very personal and private matters. What works for one couple might not work for you two, and that’s okay! Try out a few different things to see what you both like, and reject the things that don’t.^{[17]
X
Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} The most important thing is that you both keep talking about it to each other so no one gets resentful.^{[18]
X
Research source}^{[19]
X
Expert Source

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.}
- For example, if your wife says she’s not feeling attractive anymore and that’s why she doesn’t want to have sex, you might work on boosting her self-esteem by giving her compliments or telling her how much you appreciate her.
- Or, if she’s feeling too stressed to even think about sex, you could plan some stress-relieving activities for the both of you, like having a spa day or taking a weekend trip together.

10

Ask her what turns her on if you aren’t sure.

Maybe your sexual approach isn’t quite working for your wife. Open up a dialogue about what she likes (and doesn’t like) in the bedroom.^{[20]
X
Expert Source

Jacqueline Hellyer
Licensed Psychosexual Therapist
Expert Interview. 15 October 2021.} Some people like to be wined and dined, while others prefer spontaneous sex with little to no buildup. The more you two can understand each other, the better.^{[21]
X
Research source}
- You could ask her something like, “What’s the best way to get you in the mood?” or, “What do I do that turns you on?”

11

Talk to her about making sex a priority.

You can both work on making intimacy part of your routine. When we’re constantly focusing on other things, sex can often move to the bottom of the to-do list. Instead, ask her to really make physical intimacy a priority in her weekly (or monthly) routine. That way, you’re both working toward having more sex, and it’s not so one-sided.^{[22]
X
Research source}
- Say something like, “I know we’re both busy during the week, but it’s hard to see you putting your friends and hobbies above me. Could we both work on making time to see each other one-on-one throughout the week?”
- Or, “I’ll try to make sex a priority if you do the same. I think if we work together, it will make this much easier.”

12

Engage in intimacy that doesn’t lead to sex.

Hug, kiss, and touch your wife innocently throughout the day. For many women, this loving intimacy leaves them more open to sexual intimacy later on. Make sure your wife knows that every time you touch her, you aren’t asking for sex. Prioritize getting closer as a couple instead of always focusing on your sex or lack thereof.^{[23]
X
Research source}

13

Talk to a marriage counselor if you need to.

Sexual problems can sometimes be hard to work out on your own. If you and your wife have tried a few things and they just aren’t working, make an appointment with a couple’s counselor. They can help you come up with solutions that fit the both of you, and they can also help foster healthy communication so you two can talk things out in the moment.^{[24]
X
Research source}
- You could also meet with a sex therapist.^{[25]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
  Licensed Professional Counselor
  Expert Interview. 13 January 2022.}

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you deal with desire discrepancy?

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST
Licensed Professional Counselor
Josh Spurlock is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and CEO of MyCounselor.Online. With more than 15 years of experience, he specializes in marriage counseling, family counseling, and sex therapy through a Christian counseling lens. Josh holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Biblical Languages, Literatures, and Linguistics and a Master’s in Counseling Psychology from Evangel University.

Josh Spurlock, MA, LPC, CST

Licensed Professional Counselor

Expert Answer

Recognize that desire discrepancy is completely normal! It's extremely common for spouses to have different levels of desire; in fact, it's very uncommon for two people to be on the exact same page.