How to Ignore Your Husband

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA

Last Updated: February 2, 2023 References

In a relationship, you may sometimes need a mental break. Marriage can be stressful and bad habits or bad moods are sometimes better to ignore. There are many tactics you can use to ignore your husband when necessary. However, keep in mind cold-shouldering your spouse longterm can be toxic for your marriage. If there is an ongoing underlying issue that is bothering you, take steps to address the problem rather than ignoring it.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Things You Should Ignore

1
Ignore your husband's bad moods. If your husband is angry or in a bad mood, sometimes it's better to disengage. Angry people are often difficult to reason with. In this situation, it's appropriate and even healthy to simply ignore your husband until he calms down.
- Oftentimes, a bad mood leaves someone looking for a fight. If your husband had a bad day at work, for example, he may overreact to a small indiscretion on your part. If you know your husband is in a bad mood, do not take it personally if he snaps at you.^{[1]
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- If your husband is angry and trying to cause an argument, the best response is to tune him out. Ignoring provocation may feel like defeat. However, it's actually more productive. An angry person is not going to listen to logic or reason and will not relent even when you try to apologize or defend yourself. If your husband tries to bait you into an argument, simply respond with short phrases, like "Yes" or "Okay" until he gives up and leaves you alone.^{[2]
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- This is not a longterm solution. In the immediate moment, ignoring your husband's anger can be a good means of coping but it's not something you should regularly have to do. On occasion, everyone slips up and lashes out at a loved one due to a bad day or bad mood. However, when it's a regular occurrence it can become a real problem. If your husband is temperamental by nature, you should have a sit down talk with him about this behavior.
2
Go to bed angry. If you and your husband are arguing late into the night, sometimes it's better just to go to bed. Try to ignore any bad feelings you're having towards your husband and get some sleep. If you're still upset in the morning, you can talk when you've both calmed down.
- If it's late and you and your husband are arguing, tell him you're going to bed. Try to ignore whatever he did to upset or frustrate you. You can try relaxation techniques, like flexing your toe muscles, deep breathing, and counting exercises. These will help you ignore the situation and fall asleep faster.
- If you're arguing late at night, you're more likely to say something you don't mean. Your brain deteriorates when you're tired, making it difficult to explain your frustrations to your partner. You'll also be more irritable later at night. By morning, you'll have a more positive outlook and be better equipped to work through the problem and make up.
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3
Learn to accept some bad habits. Everyone has bad habits. Oftentimes, people are not even consciously aware of a behavior that may be annoying to others. If your husband has a habit or tendency that grates on you, it may be better to ignore it than try and change it.
- Unfortunately, some bad habits simply do not change. Your husband may consistently forget to throw out the orange juice container when it's empty even when you remind him multiple times. In this case, it might be best to just resign yourself to doing this task on your own. Accepting your husband's bad habits can make them easier to ignore.^{[3]
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- You can also settle for a partial victory in some situations. Your husband might never remember to put his dirty towel in the hamper after a shower, for example, but maybe he'll stop leaving it on the floor of your bedroom.^{[4]
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- Detach yourself from your behaviors that annoy you. Don't take it personally. A bad habit, like leaving the lights on in an empty room, is simply his own bad habit. It has nothing to do with how much he values or respects you.
4
Distract yourself. If you're having trouble ignoring your husband, get busy. The best way to cope is sometimes through distraction. Read a book, go for a bike ride, take up a new hobby, clean the house. There are many things you can do to take your mind off your husband for a few hours. This can help you ignore him and, when you're ready, talk out the problem or situation.
5
Be polite, but formal. If you feel the need to ignore your husband for a bit, you don't have to be caustic about it. There are ways to ignore someone politely. This is a more adult way to handle marital tensions.
- When your husband is in the room, acknowledge his present in somewhat formal ways. While you may normally be more casual at home, when ignoring your husband try to act as if you're being polite to someone at a party you're attending. Nod when he speaks, smile when appropriate, but don't engage him in small talk or other conversation.^{[5]
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- You can also try to avoid being in the same room as your husband. For example, you could move to the bedroom if he's in the living room. You can let him know by excusing yourself in a brief, formal manner. For example, say something like, "If you don't mind, I think I'm going to go upstairs."
6
Communicate indirectly. If you're not in the mood to speak to your husband, try indirect communication. The silent treatment can be incredibly cruel and is generally ineffective at resolving disputes.^{[6]
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Research source} If you're upset with your husband and feel the need to ignore him, find a way to communicate so he's not left baffled. You can text him or leave him notes, for example, without actually speaking to him.
- You should let your husband know upfront if you're upset about something and need space for a few days. If you're too angry to talk about it, write him a letter or send him an e-mail explaining yourself. Do not simply ignore him without warning.
7
Give short responses. This is another great way to ignore someone without fully resorting to the silent treatment. You can ignore your husband by giving him curt responses. You can respond to him with things like, "Mmmhmm" and "Okay." Such short forms of communication leave little opportunity for true conversation. This can help convey to your husband you're not in the mood to engage with him at the moment.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Addressing Deeper Issues

1
Focus on yourself. If you feel inclined to ignore your husband, it's important that you examine that inclination. In a relationship, it's very rare that one person is entirely to blame for a negative situation. It's possible you're inadvertently taking out your own bad mood or unhappiness on your husband. Spend some time considering what is bothering you.
- Is there anything you could be doing differently in your marriage? Are you not as present as you used to be? Do you sometimes take your husband for granted? Are there ways you could engage with annoying behaviors in good humor?^{[7]
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- Is there a deeper issue that's bothering you? If you're stressed or unhappy about something, even if it's unrelated to your marriage, this can come out in subtle ways. For example, if you're unhappy at work you may be more irritable. You may find yourself wanting to tune out your husband's anecdote about his trip to the gym. If there's something in your life that's bothering you, talk to your husband about your concerns. Then, make an effort to change your circumstances so you're a happier person overall.
2
Consider whether there's a problem with your marriage. However, it may not simply be an issue on your end. If you consistently find yourself wanting to ignore your husband, your marriage may be in danger. Your husband may talk to you in a way you dislike. You may feel like the two of you don't have time for one another anymore. You may be unsatisfied sexually in some capacity. If you find there's an issue the two of you should mutually work through, it needs to be addressed. Ignoring your husband is not a viable solution longterm.
3
Make time to discuss the issue. It can be stressful to talk about a major issue in your marriage. You can work on eliminating some of this stress by planning when and where you're going to talk.
- Choose a place free of distractions. Don't talk about your marriage in a crowded restaurant, for example. Instead, agree to sit down in the living room with the television set off.
- Avoid external time constraints. For example, if you have a PTA meeting at 7 o'clock don't plan to talk about your marriage at 6 o'clock. Pick a weekday or weekend night when neither of you have plans or external commitments.
4
Use "I"-statements if something is bothering you. When discussing what's bothering you, it's important to use "I" statements. These are statements constructed in a way to emphasize feeling while minimizing objective judgement or blame.
- An "I" statement should focus primarily on how you feel about a situation. You want to take responsibility for your own feelings. This minimizes judgement. You're not stating an objective fact about your marriage. You're merely expressing your feelings about a situation.
- An "I" statement has 3 parts. You start with "I feel," then state your emotion, and then explain why you feel that way.
- When discussing your marriage, do not say something like, "It's inconsiderate when you lash out at me after a bad day at work." Instead, phrase this using an "I" statement. Say something like, "I feel hurt when you take out a lousy workday on me because I don't want to be in a relationship where getting yelled at is the norm."
5
Use non-verbal forms of reassurance. Sometimes, you may need a few days to cool down after a disagreement. You may find yourself ignoring your husband in a verbal sense as the two of you talk less. However, you should make up for the lack of communication by using non-verbal forms of reassurance. Be more physically affectionate with your husband. Hug and kiss him goodbye. Hold his hand or put your hand on his knee when you're sitting together. Work to make him feel secure in the relationship even when the two of you are frustrated with each other.^{[8]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Avoiding Pitfalls

1
Understand what behaviors need to be addressed. If you feel the need to ignore your husband, this is a sign of trouble in a relationship. While it's healthy to ignore or overlook certain flaws, there are some negative aspects of a relationship that need to be addressed.
- If your husband has an anger problem, this warrants discussion. As stated, it can be healthy to ignore anger in the moment. However, if your husband habitually lashes out at you when he's mad you need to have a sit down talk.^{[9]
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- Addiction is toxic to a relationship. If your husband has a problem with drugs or alcohol, you should talk to him about seeking treatment. Do not just ignore the problem.^{[10]
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- Unless you have an open marriage, affairs should not be ignored. If you suspect infidelity, confront your husband.^{[11]
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2
Do not ignore the good. Taking your partner for granted can cause serious damage to a relationship. Even if you're frustrated with your husband, try to appreciate the good he does.
- Even minor things, like going grocery shopping or taking out the garbage, deserve a "thank you" and a kiss. Most people get a buzz of happiness when someone expresses gratitude or affection.
- You often forget to appreciate someone if you've been together for a long time. Try to periodically remind yourself how you would react if your husband was a stranger. You wouldn't hesitate to say "Thank you" if a stranger opened a door for you or offered your a seat on the bus. Do not forget to thank your husband.
3
Do not use the silent treatment. The silent treatment involves simply ignoring someone who upset you as a form of punishment. It's toxic to a healthy marriage. It's a passive-aggressive means of coping with a problem that only leads to miscommunication and confusion. You should never use the silent treatment on your husband as it's a form of manipulation. If you need some space for a few days, let your husband know why you are mad and why you may be more quiet than usual.^{[12]
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4
Do not ignore your husband for more than a few days. Remember, ignoring someone is incredibly hurtful. Many people find being ignored worse than being yelled at or confronted. If you need your space for a set period of time, that's fine. It's also okay to ignore a specific behavior or habit. However, ignoring your husband altogether will leave him hurt and confused. Do not stop communicating with your husband for more than a few days. Also, let him know ahead of time if you need a break or space. This will lessen the blow.
5
Seek counseling, if necessary. Ignoring your spouse can be a sign of marital trouble. If you frequently find yourself wanting to ignore your husband, talk to him about seeing a qualified marriage counselor. A good counselor can provide the two of you with tips and tricks to get your marriage back on track. You can find a marriage counselor by getting a list of in-network therapist from your insurance. You can also ask a current therapist or doctor for a referral.

Community Q&A

Question

What should I do when he says it's over and he has someone new?

Community Answer

Walk away with dignity, and let him go. Find closure. Know your worth.
Question

Is the silent treatment good when dealing with a husband who is often violent when confronted?

Community Answer

It really depends on the person. If being silent seems to save you some aggression from your husband, then it's probably better to do that than to confront him. However, this does not sound like a healthy marriage, and you should not stay with someone who is violent toward you. This is unlikely to ever change, and you will have a miserable marriage. See How to Divorce Your Abusive Husband.
Question

My husband hit me, what I should to do?

Community Answer

Call the police. Physical abuse can escalate. Please seek help, for yourself and your husband.