How to Survive a Super Clean Roommate

Last Updated: February 21, 2023 References

Living with anyone always presents a unique set of challenges, as different people have different ways of doing things. This can bring roommates, spouses, and friends into conflict. One of the biggest of the challenges in such situations is agreeing upon how neat and tidy to keep your home. If you’ve got a roommate or living partner who is a neat freak or who likes their home super clean, you’ll likely run into serious challenges in your relationship. But with a little work and some communication, you’ll be able to create some sort of middle ground in your home that should satisfy both of you.^{[1]
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Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Communicating

1
Initiate a conversation with your roommate. Talking to your roommate about your shared space is the most important step you can take to surviving with a neat freak roommate. This way, you can both form an understanding of the each other’s expectations. There are several things you need to consider:
- What is their definition of clean?
- What is your definition of clean?
- Are they into cleanliness, things looking neat and tidy, or both?
- Ask your roommate what bothers them the most about your habits.
- Ask if they are willing to accept feedback about their habits, too.
2
Speak in non-threatening language. Make sure that whenever you try to initiate conversation with your roommate, that you're doing so in a way that is relaxed and stimulates discussion rather than backing your roommate into a corner or provoking a fight. There are a couple tactics you can use to make sure your language is non-threatening:
- Use "I" statements, such as "I think" or "I feel." This way your roommate does not think you're speaking for them or telling them they need to do something.
- Avoid using body language that suggests you're mad or angry. This includes crossing your arms, clenching fists, or showing your teeth.
- Don't pronounce your words in a sharp or snappy way. This just shows them that you are mad and/or frustrated with them.
- Instead, move and speak slowly and hold your hands at your side.
- If it is a difficult conversation, set a framework with the other person before you open up the discussion.
- You should state the purpose of the conversation.
- Use clear and direct language that is not combative or defensive. Focus on your needs and boundaries.
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3
Keep the dialogue ongoing. Communication needs to be a continual thing. But don’t argue, and don’t attack. Simply try to find common ground and understand.
- Talk to your roommate every week about small things and household issues. This does not have to be a long drawn out discussion, just small comments and pleasantries here and there.
- Arrange to have a monthly discussion about the state of the household.
- If you sense your roommate is frustrated, initiate a conversation, but do so in a non-aggressive way.
4
Create a list of priorities for both of you. This will help you triage the situation and focus on areas that will create the most satisfaction for both of you. Remember to hear your roommate out and accept their feelings and desires as legitimate, just as you hope they will do for you. Consider the following:
- Are they concerned about particular spatial areas in your home?
- Does your roommate often have people over and they are sensitive to what others think?
- How often should cleaning be done?
5
Establish a system and division of responsibilities. Now that you’ve opened the lines of communication and formed some sort of understanding with your roommate, you need to agree upon individual responsibilities. If your roommate does all of the cleaning, you should at the very least be offering to assist with necessary responsibilities. Consider:
- Trash removal.
- Yard maintenance.
- Repairs.
- Dealing with the landlord.
- General cleaning
- Cleaning the bathroom, if shared.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Cleaning

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Clean. Take the list you both have agreed on, and make sure it’s completed on the time table you’ve both agreed on. Do the best job you can, and try to clean to the expectations you’ve discussed.
- Pick up clutter. Move clutter out of the way before you clean. This'll help you get dirt, grime, and other stuff a lot easier.
- Dust. Get some lightly wet clothes and dust the surfaces of furniture and appliances. To go the extra mile, make sure to get ceiling fans and molding.
- Vacuum. Empty your bag and storage compartment. Use the correct settings and attachment. Get the entire house, including the floorboards and furniture.
- Mop floors. Move from the back of the room toward the entrance of the room. Make sure to rinse your mop out after mopping 4x4 foot sections. Otherwise, you'll be spreading dirt.^{[2]
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2
Learn to discern between ordinary clutter and filth. In most cases, focusing on actual dirty areas, rather than minor clutter, will help alleviate any tension between you and your roommate. After all, your roommate probably doesn't mind the newspaper on the table nearly as much as the refried beans that have been sitting in the sink for three days. If you cut down on the filth and really bad habits that may exist, your roommate may feel less overwhelmed and more able to relax.
3
Focus on the priorities. Most often, the shared, public rooms, like the kitchen, living room, and bathrooms should have priority over personal space when cleaning. Don’t use your cleaning time to clean out your closet or under your bed. Use it effectively to address your roommate's concerns.
4
Pay for a housekeeper. Consider asking your roommate to chip in for a cleaning person to come once a week. This will relieve a lot of stress for you, and you’ll just have to focus on small stuff and picking up after yourself in the kitchen and living room. If your roommate doesn’t want to pay, and you still want to get a housekeeper, do so. That will release you from a good bit of stress.^{[3]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Compromising and Coping

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Bring in a third party "mediator." It might work to actually bring in an outsider who does not have a vested interest in the household situation. This person can talk to both of you and arrive at conclusions that you both might have missed. They might even be able to work out a compromise so that everyone can walk away more satisfied than before.
- Both of you must agree.
- Look for someone who is a mutual friend, but not someone too close.
- Avoid relatives or stakeholders like a landlord.
- Make sure that the mediator, you, and your roommate understand that they are only there to make non-binding suggestions (unless you otherwise agree).
2
Create “neat” and “messy” zones. If an overly clean and tidy house makes you unsettled, make sure to create a safe-space for yourself that your roommate understands might not be up to their specs. This is your messy zone. Just make sure that this area, if outside your personal space, is not one of their favorite areas, too. Use this space to pile your stuff up, leave soda cans out, or whatever you want. This space is an important part of maintaining your sanity in the household. Consider the following areas:
- Out of the way rooms that visitors or your roommate seldom enter.
- Your personal office.
- A porch or portion of a porch.
- A second living room or family room.^{[6]
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3
Get rid of some of your stuff. This might be the perfect opportunity, and excuse, for you to purge some of your stuff. You probably have a lot more stuff than you use or need. This stuff is probably contributing to clutter and is ticking off your neat freak roommate. Throwing some out or having a garage sale might lessen the amount of stress in your home.^{[7]
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4
Avoid taking it personally. Try not to be insulted or to get personally offended by your roommate’s demands for a neat and tidy home. It’s not really you, particularly, but the mess that is bothering them. If you weren’t living with them, they’d probably have another roommate who’d bring the same issue into their lives. Just view this as an opportunity for you to grow and become a slightly neater and tidier person.^{[8]
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5
Maintain a friendly relationship with your roommate. It is much easier to deal with conflicts if you have a friendship holding you together, and much easier to communicate if you feel comfortable with one another. Make a point to spend time with your roommate, and get into the habit of doing nice things for each other (like cooking meals) regularly.

Community Q&A

Question

I had to kick my roommate out because he threatened me. Should I go back for revenge?

Community Answer

You already kicked them out. That's all you need to do unless they continue to harass you.

Warnings

Mind your temper and don't fight with one another. Animosity will only create an unpleasant living situation for the both of you.

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