How to Deal With Your Roommate's Mood Swings

Co-authored by Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Last Updated: March 2, 2023 References

Have you ever had your roommate yell at you for no apparent reason? Are you afraid to say something that might ruin your friendship and make the living situation harder than it already may be? Here are a few steps to take in order to maintain your relationship with your roommate no matter what mood swings you might encounter.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Managing Tension and Caring for Yourself

1
Perform regular self-care to manage the tension. Set time aside to do activities outside of your apartment/house/dorm room and on your own to help you relieve stress that builds up in the home environment. It may even be a good idea to make friends other than your roommate.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.} If he or she is usually in a bad mood, you probably don’t want to depend on him or her for all your social interactions.^{[2]
X
Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Self-care activities can include virtually anything that relaxes you and relieves tension. You can go to the spa for a massage, listen to music while you walk/jog on the trails, and even go to the library for peace and quiet to study. Schedule in a few self-care activities each week to keep your stress levels down.
2
Anticipate moodiness and leave the space for a while. Get to know your roommate and understand the signs of a problem that is in the making. Take a walk while he or she calms down. You may not be able to avoid all of the moodiness but it can go a long way it avoiding a good percentage of the blow ups.^{[3]
X
Expert Source

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.} You need to space to avoid the conflict and there is a good chance your roommate needs the space in the room to calm down.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- Do consider how often you end up leaving to make sure the roommate isn’t reacting in a negative way just to get the room to themselves.
Advertisement
3
Address issues during calm moments to avoid arguments. Choose peaceful moments to address issues you and your roommate are having. This will help to avoid conflict and reduce the chances of one or both of you becoming angry during the discussion. Use this time to set or go over house rules that you both agree on.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 22 August 2022.}^{[6]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- It may be a good idea to schedule in a weekly meeting or housekeeping session to discuss any issues happening within the living space. You might say "Hey, George, I'd like to talk to you about the rent payments. Let me know when it's a good time to have that discussion."
4
Consider moving if the situation becomes unbearable. Do not hesitate in reporting the problem to your residential advisor if you are living on campus or to a landlord in an apartment or housing unit. This can be a tough process so asking to be moved should not be used as a first defense. Work with the residential advisors to explore all your options.^{[7]
X
Research source}

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Talking about the Moodiness

1
Call out the moody behavior in conversation. This should take place in person and not via email or social media. Talking face-to-face allows the other person to not only hear what is being said but also see that you are concerned.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 22 August 2022.}^{[9]
X
Trustworthy Source
Cleveland Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Try to be careful to label the behavior and not judge your roommate. Since moodiness can sometimes have a very real and physical cause, it’s not fair to focus on the roommate being “wrong” or "bad."
- Say something like “Hey, I’ve been noticing you’re in a bad mood a lot lately. Do you want to talk about it?”
- Discuss observations of the behavior instead of evaluations of the roommate. You might tell him or her that “You come off as rude to my guests” or “Your attitude makes the living environment tense.”
2
Help your roommate learn to manage stress. Set clear boundaries so that you can be helpful with the process, but you don't want to end up acting as a therapist to your roommate. Approach the issue as you would a friend, with a compassionate tone of voice.^{[10]
X
Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}
- Bring up the subject by saying something like "Hey, I've noticed you've been really stressed lately. I get stressed sometimes, too. How about we brainstorm some ways we can both manage or prevent stressful situations?"
- Work with your roommate to identify what causes the majority of his or her stress and offer to help with possible solutions. Your roommate may become moody around finals because he or she puts off studying. If this is the case, offer study tips or to help with better time management early in the term.
3
Come up with a signal. You can work with your roommate to let him or her know that a break or chill time is needed. Remember that you do not need to become best friends, but you need to set some sort of ground rules to enable the two of you to live together peacefully.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- For example you may tell your roommate that he or she is getting upset by telling them you can see that their mind is “working a mile a minute” or another key phrase you agree on. This will trigger them to reflect on what is currently happening and take a break to perform self-care.
- Having a signal that is not obvious to those around you can be helpful to not call attention to your roommate’s moods outside of your room.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Getting to the Bottom of the Behavior

1
Identify patterns of moodiness. The mood swings may be as harmless as a general annoyance or severe enough that they are keeping the friend up all night. Take notes in a journal to help you identify patterns. You may also be able to spot other factors that may contribute to the mood swings.^{[12]
X
Research source}
2
Conduct some research. Some mental illnesses have mood swings as a symptom. Your roommate may be experiencing an undiagnosed psychiatric disorder. Mood swings can be a symptom or even a result of bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, ADHD or even anxiety. Look up the symptoms of each and compare your roommate’s behaviors to see if anything fits.^{[13]
X
Research source}^{[14]
X
Research source}
- A lot of times, people have mood swings when they have a need that isn't being addressed.^{[15]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Allison Broennimann, PhD
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.}
- Keep in mind, your goal is not to diagnose your roommate. You are simply trying to learn more about his or her behaviors so that you can have a better understanding.
3
Talk to your roommate’s friends and family. See if they have noticed the behavior. Do this discreetly. You might start by asking other friends if they see the moodiness when you aren’t around. Finding out can help you understand if it happens all the time or only at home. If it's strictly at home, you may want to consider whether the two of you are well-suited if he or she only acts like this in your presence.
- If for some reason you are unable to resolve a particular issue, then you may want to consider consulting an outsider for advice and possibly a mediation.^{[16]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
  Clinical Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 22 August 2022.}
- If the mood swings are something you have seen occur with other people as well, ask them for suggestions as to how they handled it. "So, you say Terry is moody around you every now and then, too, huh? What do you do when this happens?"
- Explore how many people in your roommate’s family have similar issues and see if there is a pattern as far as mental health issues running in the family.
4
Suggest that your roommate see a doctor or counselor. If the mood swings have been interfering with his or her life, it may be a sign of a larger problem. It can be helpful to remind your roommate of the affect his or her mood swings actually has on life for both of you. Your roommate may not notice the issue on a daily basis, so be prepared.^{[17]
X
Research source}^{[18]
X
Expert Source

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 11 December 2020.}
- You might show compassion by saying "I can see that your mood brings you down some days. It also causes tension between us. Have you thought about seeing a counselor or someone you can talk to professionally?"
- Volunteer to go to the doctor with your roommate for emotional support.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I stop being annoyed with my roommate?

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.

Allison Broennimann, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

The best thing you can do is just remove yourself from whatever they're doing that's driving you crazy. You can't control other people's behavior, so your best option is to just get some distance.
Question

Is it okay to ignore my roommate if they're being moody?

Allison Broennimann, PhD
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Allison Broennimann is a licensed Clinical Psychologist with a private practice based in the San Francisco Bay Area providing psychotherapy and neuropsychology services. With over a decade of experience, Dr. Broennimann specializes in in-depth psychotherapy to provide solution-focused treatments for anxiety, depression, relationship problems, grief, adjustment problems, traumatic stress, and phase-of-life transitions. And as part of her neuropsychology practice, she integrates depth psychotherapy and cognitive rehabilitation for those recovering after traumatic brain injury. Dr. Broennimann holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and an MS and Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Palo Alto University. She is licensed by the California Board of Psychology and is a member of the American Psychological Association.

Allison Broennimann, PhD

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Absolutely. This is known as compassionate detachment. Nothing good is going to happen if you engage with your roommate is being a little moody, so just do them a favor by not reacting. It's the smart thing for you to do for yourself, and the kind thing to do for your roomate.
Question

How do you deal with an emotionally unstable roommate?

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Asa Don Brown is a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience. He specializes in working with families, children, and couples, treating a variety of psychological disorders, trauma, and abuse. Dr. Brown has specialized in negotiation and profiling. He is also a prolific author having published three books and numerous articles in magazines, journals, and popular publications. Dr. Brown earned a BS in Theology and Religion with a minor in Marketing and an MS in Counseling with a specialization in Marriage and Family from The University of Great Falls. Furthermore, he received a PhD in Psychology with a specialization in Clinical Psychology from Capella University. He is also a candidate for a Masters of Liberal Arts through Harvard University. Dr. Brown is a Fellow of the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress and a Diplomate for the National Center for Crisis Management and continues to serve a number of psychological and scientific boards.

Asa Don Brown, PhD, DNCCM, FAAETS

Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Conflicts naturally occur when you have more than one individual occupying the same space.The best remedy is to have an open, honest, direct and healthy dialogue. Healthy communication is key to establishing healthy and long term relationships — remember, all relationships are bound to have disagreements and stress.

Warnings

Do not ignore the situation. Ignoring the situation only makes it worse and creates a stressful atmosphere at home.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
Do not show any anger when your roommate goes through a mood swing. Be sure to not completely blow off your roommate either. Displaying anger or blowing him/her off only heightens your roommate's anger.

⧼thumbs_response⧽
Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0