11 Tips for Going through a Marriage Separation While Living Together

Co-authored by Omar Ruiz, LMFT and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: October 27, 2022 References

When your marriage is going through a rough patch, you might decide that a separation is your next best move. But having one person move out of the home isn’t always possible—whether it’s for financial reasons, parenting reasons, or social reasons. Whatever the case may be, we’ve got the 11 best tips you can use to separate from your spouse while still living together amicably.

Things You Should Know

Sleep in separate beds, and discuss your boundaries with each other. Talk about how to handle social situations.
Divide up household chores, finances, and parenting responsibilities.
Talk to your children about this new dynamic so they aren’t confused. Decide on whether you’ll have family time together or separately.

1

Sleep in separate rooms.

Move one person out of the bedroom and into a different room. This might mean someone using the guest room, or converting an office space back into a bedroom. The important thing here is that you both have your own separate, private places to go at the end of the day.^{[1]
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- When you separate your sleeping arrangements, be sure to stop having sex, too. Having sex with your spouse after you’ve made the decision to separate only muddies the waters, and can lead to a lot of confusion and hurt feelings.
- It’s necessary to build boundaries so that way things don't get gray or fuzzy. People need physical space so that they can really think through their options, as soon as you're lying in the same bed, it gives the perception that things are okay and we're back to normal.

2

Divide up household chores.

Decide who is going to take over which responsibilities. Sit down and write out a list of household chores, then assign them to one another. That way, you two won’t have to discuss who’s going to do what on a daily basis.^{[2]
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- Now’s a good time to discuss meal times, too. Are you and your spouse comfortable eating together, or would you rather stagger meal times?

3

Separate your finances.

Divide up monthly expenses to see who’s going to pay for what. If you have a joint account, now is a good time to separate it. Talk about who is going to pay for which household expenses, but avoid paying for each other’s personal items from now on.^{[3]
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- If one spouse makes more than the other, it’s fine to separate your expenses with that ratio in mind.
- If there is a shared account in which one of you receives your salary, contact the HR department in order to switch direct payments to a separate account.
- In the case of a shared account, there should be a conversation about deciding to close it out. Depending on the banking institution, they might require both parties to be present in order to close out the account.
- If necessary, connect with a certified public accountant and or a financial advisor to discuss plans on how to best move and assign your funds if you both share investments such as properties or business.

4

Create a parenting schedule.

Talk about your children’s schedule and divide responsibilities. If you have kids, you may need to discuss who’s going to take them to and from school and any extracurriculars. Also, talk about events or recitals that your children may have in the future: are you and your spouse comfortable going to those together, or would you rather trade off?^{[4]
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- It might be helpful to keep a shared calendar to track all of the kids’ activities. There, you can note who is doing what so there’s no accidental overlap.
- For instance, you might commit to taking your child to soccer practice, while your partner brings them to their piano lessons.

5

Set boundaries around family time.

Discuss whether you’ll do things as a family or not. If you have young children, it’s a good idea to do things separately with them, as having family time together can be confusing. Talk to your spouse about how you’ll handle activities with the kids and spending time together.^{[5]
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- For example, maybe you take the kids for an outing on Friday, and your spouse spends time with them on Saturday.

6

Talk to your children about the arrangement.

Tell your children what’s happening so they don’t have to worry. Even young kids will pick up on the fact that something has changed between you and your spouse. Use age-appropriate language to explain that while you and your spouse may no longer be in a relationship, your roles as parents won’t change at all.^{[6]
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- For instance, if you have a young child, you might say, “Your father and I are going to separate, which means we won’t be married anymore. We still love you very much, and we’re still your parents.”
- If you have a teenager, you might say, “Your mom and I haven’t been getting along recently, so we’re going to try out a separation. We’re still going to live in the same house, but I’m going to move into the guest room. This won’t affect your routine or your daily schedule, though.”
- Follow up by asking your child if they have any questions for you so they feel heard.

7

Discuss how you’ll handle social situations.

You might disclose your separation, or you might not. If you’re invited to a friend’s party, will you and your spouse go together? How about wearing your wedding rings in public? Decide on what you and your spouse are comfortable with, especially if this is a trial separation.^{[7]
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- If you and your spouse are on the path to getting a divorce, it’s a good idea to stop attending social events together and to stop wearing your wedding rings.

8

Establish a “no fight zone.”

Make your home a neutral space where you can both relax. It’s not ideal to come home to a spouse that’s angry or annoyed at you, especially when you’re going through a separation. Ask your spouse if you two can agree on the fact that fights and disagreements should happen elsewhere.^{[8]
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- You might talk about your separation or divorce in the car, or at your favorite park.
- Or, you might only talk about it when there’s a mediator present.
- Reduce tension inside the home by keeping the lines of communication open.Use “I” statements to talk about your wants and needs, just like you did before the separation.

9

Respect each other’s boundaries.

Treat your spouse with dignity and respect during this trying time. Going through a separation is going to be tough for the both of you. Give your spouse the respect they deserve, and listen to them when they establish boundaries.^{[9]
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- Check in with your spouse regularly to see how the living arrangement is going for them. At some point, it might be a good idea to talk about one of you moving out.
- Try to avoid talking negatively about your spouse with other people, too. Usually, this only leads to hurt feelings, which can complicate the process even more.

10

Wait to date other people.

Don’t find a new partner while you and your spouse still live together. Not only is this disrespectful to your relationship, but it’s very confusing for your kids, too. Hold off on dating until you or your spouse moves out of the home and your divorce is finalized.^{[10]
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- It might take a long time until you’re ready to date someone new, and that’s okay. Focus on your situation right now, and avoid thinking about the future just yet.

11

Seek legal advice for a legal separation or divorce.

Take legal action to finalize your separation. If you and your spouse decide to get divorced, you can either start divorce proceedings or enter into a legal separation. Talk to a lawyer about how to get that process started while you’re still living together, as it can vary from state to state.^{[11]
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- In some states, you need to “prove” your intentions to separate or get divorced. Your lawyer will advise you about what that means in your current situation.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I deal with the pain of separation?

Omar Ruiz, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Omar Ruiz is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and the Owner of TalkThinkThrive, PLLC. With over 11 years of counseling experience, he specializes in helping couples resolve issues and restore intimacy. He has been featured in numerous publications, including The New York Times, Women’s Health, and WebMD. Omar holds a BS in Psychology from Howard University and an MS in Family Therapy from The University of Massachusetts Boston.

Omar Ruiz, LMFT

Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Divorce is like one of the most traumatic situations a person can go through because it’s a complete shift in your life and it has a lot of implications on one’s identity within a particular society. For that, it's extremely important to first connect with friends and family that you trust. You can also look for a therapist that specializes in couples therapy as well as divorce, since these professionals also provide individual counseling as well.