How to Respond when Your Ex Says "I Love You"

Co-authored by Connell Barrett and Kira Jan

Last Updated: June 27, 2022 References

What should you say when your ex jumps back into the picture with an “I love you” text? Getting a text from your ex can be a tough emotional situation to navigate, especially if you want to get back together. No matter whether you feel confused, completely done, or head over heels still in love with your ex, we’ll help you figure out the best game plan. Read on for a complete guide to responding when your ex reaches out and says “I love you.”

1

Weigh the good and bad times in your relationship.

Decide how you feel about your ex and whether it's a good idea to reply. Take a “relationship inventory” of what went well, what didn’t go well, and the reasons you broke up.^{[1]
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Research source} We tend to look back on relationships through rose-colored glasses, so balancing out positive and negative memories can give you better judgment.^{[2]
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Research source} To figure out whether you should respond, ask yourself these questions:
- Did ending the relationship happen suddenly, or was it a long time coming? If you saw the breakup coming, it’s probably best to ignore the text.^{[3]
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  Research source}
- Is your life better, worse, or unchanged post-breakup? If you feel relieved, free, or happier post-breakup, you might not want to respond to the message.
- Did your ex treat you well? If the relationship was unhealthy, just don’t respond to the message.

2

Take your time to respond.

Taking a step back can help you process your emotions. Getting back in touch with an ex can bring up a ton of different emotions, and you might need some time to sort out your feelings. Try drafting a message or two as an exercise to express how you feel—without hitting send. Wait a few hours or a day, then read over what you wrote.^{[4]
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- For instance, you might be really tempted to respond with something like, “I miss you and I wish we were back together.” However, it’s probably better to hold off on sending that message until you’ve figured out what your ex wants and whether they have good intentions.

3

Ask why they’re reaching out now.

What does it actually mean when your ex says "I love you?" An “I love you” text from your ex could mean they want to get back together. Or, it could mean that they’re lonely, bored, looking to hook up, or worried they won't be able to find love in the future.^{[5]
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Research source} You’re less likely to end up hurt if you understand why they’re contacting you from the start.
- “Hey, it’s good to hear from you. Can I ask why you’re reaching out now?”
- “I know you seemed really certain when you ended things between us. Why are you telling me this now?”
- “What do you mean when you say that?”

4

Compare their words to their actions.

If your ex really does love you, they’ll show you they’re sincere. Has your ex apologized for any past wrongdoing? Have they talked about how they’ve learned and grown since the relationship ended? Here are the other key signs your ex means it when they say “I love you:”^{[6]
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- They’re willing to take your new relationship slowly.
- They don’t try to pressure you.
- They’re focused on working together to find solutions to your past relationship problems.
- They’ve broken bad habits or picked up healthy new ones since you two were together.
- They've broken off contact with other people they were seeing.

5

Let your ex down gently if you’ve moved on.

Be upfront if you’re not feeling positive about rekindling the relationship. You might not feel like your ex deserves a second chance, and that’s totally fine. Stay kind and respectful as you tell your ex that you don’t reciprocate their feelings.^{[7]
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- “It’s nice to hear from you, but I’m in a new relationship now and I’ve moved on.”
- “I hope you’re doing well. I’m with someone else, though, and I think it’s better if you and I both take some space and time to heal.”
- “I care about you, and I hope you’ll find someone amazing. But I’ve moved on.”
- If you'd rather be subtle, reply in a friendly but businesslike way that shows you aren't interested.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Connell Barrett
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}

6

Open the door to friendship if you miss them.

Rebuilding friendship lets you discover the ways you've both changed. You might decide that all you want is friendship. Or, you might realize you’ve both changed enough to try again.^{[9]
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Research source} Either way, replying to their “I love you” text with a request to stay friends is a positive step towards reconnection.
- “I care about you, but I think it’s better if we stay friends for now.”
- “It’s really good to hear from you. I do miss you, but I’m only ready for friendship right now.”
- “I’m still processing the breakup. But I’d love to be friends, if that sounds ok to you.”

7

Take things slowly if you still have strong feelings for them.

Easing back into a relationship creates a stronger foundation. Rather than quickly sending a text that reciprocates their feelings, keep your message on the vague side. Simply tell your ex you’re open to the possibility of trying again. If your ex really loves you, their feelings will still be there while you figure things out.^{[10]
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- “Thanks for being so open with me. I’m not totally sure about us giving things another shot. But I’d love the chance to figure that out.”
- “I’m still processing how I feel about us, but I’d love to keep talking.”
- “I really appreciate you reaching out. I’m going to need some time to work through this, but I’m also not ready to give up on us.”

8

Wait for them to offer to meet up.

A request to meet in person shows your ex is willing to put in the effort. Be open to talking with them in person or over video chat. Once they do offer to meet up, talk about what your relationship would look like if you got back together. How can you collaborate to solve issues that came up in your past relationship?^{[11]
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- When you do meet up, set boundaries and establish clear expectations.
- For instance, you might want a committed relationship but your ex might want a casual situation at first.
- Your ex might want to move back in with you, but you might not want that yet.

9

Block their number if the relationship wasn’t healthy.

If your ex physically or emotionally abused you, you shouldn’t respond. Likewise, if your ex cheated on you or otherwise betrayed you, you might want to simply block their number.^{[12]
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Research source} You deserve someone who backs up the words “I love you” with respect and kindness.^{[13]
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Research source}
- If you’re moving on from a toxic or abusive relationship, check out https://www.loveisrespect.org/ and https://www.thehotline.org/ for more support and resources.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you politely tell an ex you don't want to hang out?

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation in New York City. Connell has over five years of experience as an international coach who helps men connect with women by unlocking their best, true, most confident selves. He is the author of the Amazon bestseller “Dating Sucks but You Don’t,” and has appeared on Good Morning America, the "Today" show, Access Hollywood, and in Best Life, Cosmopolitan, and The Oprah Magazine. In 2019 he was named Datezie.com's “New York City’s Best Male Dating Coach."

Connell Barrett

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Explain that you're unavailable on the day that they want to hang out. For example, if they invite you to hang out on Thursday, let them know that you're busy then.