How to Reinvent Yourself After a Break Up (Girls)

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: March 19, 2020 References Approved

Break ups are a painful but inevitable part of life. No matter the circumstances that caused the break up, afterwards many people feel sad, lonely, and depressed. The upside of a break up is that such a dramatic change can be a great catalyst for reinventing yourself. Taking a break up as an opportunity to improve yourself and your life can be a great way to heal and move on.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Taking Care of Yourself Post-Break Up

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Be gentle with yourself. Right after a break up, it’s very common for women to blame themselves. However, instead of piling guilt on top of the negativity you might be experiencing, try your best to be positive and kind to yourself. Remember that you want to reinvent yourself for yourself, not to get your partner back or to prove something to the rest of the world.
- Cut out the negative self-talk. Instead of dwelling on your failures and what you could have done differently, comfort yourself as you would comfort your best friend. Tell yourself you did what you could, reflect on what you’ve learned from the experience, and give yourself positive affirmations.
- If you are finding it difficult to get through your days, try saying some daily affirmations in the mirror. Look in the mirror and repeat a phrase several times to your reflection such as, “I am worthy, beautiful, and strong.” It may sound silly, but telling yourself positive affirmations (and doing your best to truly believe in them) can help reset your thinking and encourage a more positive outlook on the world.^{[1]
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- Decide on daily goals for yourself. For example, one goal could be to reach out to a friend you haven’t talked to in a while, or to help your parents or roommate cook dinner to get your mind off of your breakup.
- Set positive reminders for yourself throughout the day. You could set an reminder on your phone, for example, that says something positive like “I am defined by my actions, not my boyfriend or lack thereof.”
2
Eat healthy. The extreme stress caused by a break up causes different reactions but regardless, taking care of your physical health is of utmost importance, especially when the break up happened recently. You may have difficulty sleeping, turn to food for comfort, or have no desire to eat at all. Regardless of how your body reacts, do your best to maintain as many healthy routines as possible.
- You may crave chocolates or other unhealthy foods but try to maintain a healthy diet with lots of fruits and vegetables. This will help you feel better in both mind and body.
- Eating healthy doesn’t mean depriving yourself of all treats. If all you want to do is eat your feelings in the form of a gallon of ice cream, try spooning out a reasonable portion of ice cream into a separate bowl and enjoying it slowly. Satisfying your craving can actually boost your psychological state, but if you overdo it by binge eating, you’ll end up feeling worse about yourself in the long run.
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3
Exercise. Any form of exercise, whether it be yoga or even just running around the block for fifteen minutes, can also offset some of the anxiety and sadness you experience through an uptick of dopamine and other feel-good chemicals in the brain. A break up can be a great reason to treat yourself to a one-month trial at a new yoga studio or even try out a new activity, like pole dancing or Zumba, that gets you working out in a supportive and upbeat community.
- You may not feel like leaving the house or moving at all. If that’s the case, try doing some light stretches or just walking around the block until you are feeling better. After all, every little step counts.
- Losing yourself in a new workout activity or sport can not only be a great way to distract yourself from the negative emotions you are processing, but can also contribute to a fitter, stronger body which could improve your confidence and contribute to the new, reinvented you.
- If you don’t feel up to even a short walk, go sit outside for a while. Close your eyes, soak up the sunshine and breathe in the fresh air.
4
Reflect on your purpose. In the aftermath of a relationship, it’s always good to take some time to reflect on your life. After all, no matter how in love you were with the person, your life is ultimately your own and this can be a great opportunity to reflect on your hopes, goals, and dreams--what you ultimately see as your own purpose in life.
- If you don’t have any concrete goals, now could be a great time to start! They can be as simple as “learn how to salsa dance” or “get a promotion.” If you already have some goals, such as getting A’s in school, brainstorm what you can do on a regular basis to get to that point. Coming up with regular to-do lists can contribute to your success and also get you back into rhythm after the post-break up trauma.
- Many of us lose track of our goals when we’re in a relationship. Whether this was the case for you or not, try to keep sight of your goals as and think of them as an umbrella to shelter yourself from disappointment. Pinning your hopes on yourself and working towards your goals in a concrete manner will help you move on and even potentially put you in contact with people who are better suited to you.^{[2]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Getting a Makeover

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Reflect on why and what kind of makeover you want. After all, reinventing yourself is all about re-centering your focus on your life, including how you feel and how you present yourself to the world. For some, reinventing yourself may be all about getting on track with your life goals while for others, physical alterations are more important.
- If possible, have a friend tag along or even do a makeover with you. Not only will you have more fun, you’ll also get some friendly guidance that will help steer you away from any potentially regrettable decisions. If you and your ex had a shared social group, reach out to a friend that is either outside of that friend group or is much closer to you than your ex (such as a childhood friend who became friends with your ex much later). You don’t want to put anyone in the uncomfortable position of choosing sides.
2
Treat yourself. There's nothing like a good pampering to ease all the troubles away, so treat yourself to a massage, facial, or a mani-pedicure. Or if spa treatments aren’t your thing, buy yourself a new perfume or even indulge in your favorite candy.
- If you can’t afford expensive spa treatments, doing facials or mani-pedis at home can still give you the same benefits. Inviting a friend over can further help lift your spirits as well.
3
Splurge on a new hairstyle or a wardrobe change. Doing so will increase your self confidence and also help you psychologically adjust to your life in the aftermath of a break up.
- If you can’t afford a new hairstyle or clothes, don’t despair. You can always check out thrift stores for cheap, interesting pieces or dye your hair yourself rather than going to a salon. Even a change as small as parting your hair differently can have a dramatic impact on your look and, more importantly, how you feel about yourself.
- If you usually wear a signature perfume, try changing it up. Many of us connect memories with scents and so continuing to wear a certain scent may remind you of your ex and bring you down. Buying a new perfume will not only be a great way to treat yourself, but could also help you begin a new chapter in life.^{[3]
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Change the inner, not just the outer. When talking about makeovers, people usually focus on the outward changes in appearance but you should apply the concept of the makeover to your personality and emotional state as well. Take some time to reflect on what you would like to change about your attitudes or behaviors and what you can do to implement those changes.
- For example, many people suffer from low self-confidence, especially after a break up. Try boosting your confidence by focusing on the positives, in your outlook and your self-image, and changing your body posture to communicate confidence (such as standing straight and keeping your shoulders down).^{[4]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving on as the New You

1
Reconnect with what you love. Many people give up activities they once loved or stop spending as much time on them when they are in a romantic relationship. This is natural but now that you’re single, take the opportunity to take up reading your favorite books, jumping back into your favorite sport, or spending more time with your girlfriends.
2
Get rid of what’s holding you back. Go through your belongings and get rid of mementos, old clothes, anything that you feel doesn’t serve a purpose other than to remind you of the pain of the lost relationship.
- This includes truly letting go of the relationship you were in. If you two have agreed to be friends, be sure to have a set “time out” period so that things can cool off between you two. If the break up ended badly, do your best to just forget about your ex and move on with your life.
3
Try something new. After a breakup is a great time to start a new hobby or learn a new skill. All that time you once spent with your ex can now be channeled into doing the things you want to do. Reflect on if there’s anything you’ve ever wanted to do but somehow never found the time or drive to act on that desire.
- Some women even take this as an opportunity to make an ambitious career or education change. If you’ve always secretly wanted to finish your degree or apply for a job abroad, then take the break up as an opportunity to do it!
- Volunteer in your community. This could be as simple as picking up trash on the beach or in a park, or serving soup in a local soup kitchen. Look online and ask your neighbors what opportunities might be available. Getting involved through volunteering has been shown to improve your mood and self-confidence.^{[5]
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- Trying something new doesn’t have to be dramatic, however. For some women, taking up painting, getting through that stack of classics that’s been collecting dust, or taking an online course can be just as satisfying.
4
Get out and have fun. After your initial mourning period, it’s important to not get stuck in a post break up rut. Whether it’s going to the park, going dancing, or just reconnecting with close friends, it’s important to go out and do fun things. Remember that at the end of the day you live life as an individual, so get out there and live your life.
- Just be sure to not go out of control. Many people resort to harmful or self-destructive behaviors (such as drinking too much or acting out) during grieving periods. You can avoid this by doing emotional check-ins. For example, if you make plans to meet at a bar with friends but are really only looking forward to the drinks, you should examine where that desire is coming from and plan to do something else with your friends, or ask them to monitor how much you drink so that you don’t lose control.
- Don’t go to parties or other events that your ex is also likely to attend. You both need a substantial period of time apart in order to heal and move on. If you’ve already said yes to a party and only find out later that your ex will be there, cancel and make new plans for the evening unless you are positive that you are emotionally ready for a possible interaction.
5
Seek out the right relationship. This step may be further down the line, but make sure to take what you have learned from your last relationship and carry the lessons with you. Reflect on what kind of partner the new you would like and what you have to offer them..
- Remember, you and your ex broke up for a reason and part of reinventing yourself is to have a happier, more fulfilling life so look for qualities in other people that will make that happen.

Warnings

Be sure you are reinventing yourself to change your own life for the better. Don’t do it as a ploy to get your ex back.

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