How to Pass Gas in Bed Without Anyone Noticing

Last Updated: December 8, 2020

When you're sharing your bed with someone (married or not) the potential for an innocent emission to become an embarrassing blunder is immense. Follow these somewhat fail proof steps to keep your partner's respect level the same as it was before you got horizontal. While not limited to the bed, the same technique when mastered can be applied to any number of more public places, such as elevators, cars, waiting in line etc.

Steps

1
Position yourself on your back, lying flat with your hands on your sides. Try not to call too much attention to yourself. Be natural.
2
Slowly slide your hands under your buttocks with your palms placed upward. Left palm on the left buttock and right palm on the right buttock with the thumbs pointing out away from each other.

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3
Firmly position the tips of your fingers on the crevice edge of the buttocks and slowly spread your cheeks apart. You want to do this slowly and until your sphincter is sufficiently open.
4
With your sphincter open, gently push the gas out of your anus by mildly bearing down. They key is to let it out slowly and silently. Imagine blowing a mouthful of air through loosely pursed lips. Too fast and strong will cause the lips to vibrate and emit noise. It's roughly the same effect.
5
When you've passed as much gas as you can, release the buttocks and let your sphincter close back up naturally.
6
Congratulations! You've just emitted gas without anyone knowing.
7
When you get out of bed, it wouldn't hurt to wash your hands.

Community Q&A

Question

What should I do if I don't have a sphincter?

Community Answer

A sphincter is a muscle that holds the anus and bladder closed. Everybody has one.
Question

What happens when the smell is so bad, your eyes are watering?

Community Answer

Well, then I think your bed partner will know you farted. Laugh about it.
Question

What if someone is giving me a piggy back and I need to pass gas?

Community Answer

Just pass it. You could ask to be lowered down and move away from that person if you want to be a little more discreet.