How to Make Your Parents Understand You

Co-authored by Seth Hall and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: December 6, 2021 References

No matter how close you are with your parents, you may not always see eye-to-eye with them. At times, it may seem like they don’t understand you at all. While you can’t necessarily make your parents understand you, you can help them by communicating clearly and respectfully. Being misunderstood is frustrating, so take time to cool down and deal with your feelings if you find yourself getting upset. If your parents just can’t or won’t understand you no matter what you do, talk to another trusted adult or a counselor if you can.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Communicating Clearly

1
Make time to chat with your parents every day. The more comfortable you are talking to your parents about everyday stuff, the easier it will be to talk about difficult subjects. Having regular chats will also make it easier for you and your parents to understand each other.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Seth Hall
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 16 November 2021.} Instead of hiding in your room after coming home from school, take a few minutes to talk about how your day went.^{[2]
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- For example, you could talk to them about something funny that happened in class, or tell them about what you’d like to do over the weekend.
- Ask your parents how they’re doing, too. Showing that you’re interested in them and willing to listen will encourage them to listen to you in return. You could say something like, “How’s that new gardening project coming along, Dad?”
2
Decide what you want to say before having a difficult talk. If you need to talk to your parents about something difficult, take time beforehand to think about exactly what you want to tell them. This will help you express yourself more clearly and feel more confident when it’s time to have the talk.^{[3]
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- For example, if you made a mistake, you might plan to say something like, “I messed up today, and I feel really bad about it. I’m afraid you might be disappointed in me, but I really need to tell you what happened.”
- Think about what you want from your parents, too. They’ll have an easier time understanding you if you clearly express what you want to get out of the conversation. For example, you might say, “I don’t really want advice, Mom. I just need to get this off my chest.”
Tip: Try writing down a list of things you’d like to say before having a tough conversation. You can even have the list with you if you’re afraid you’ll forget something or get off track.

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3
Pick a good time to talk about tricky subjects. Your parents will have an easier time listening to you and understanding what you’re trying to say if they’re not distracted or stressed out by other things. Try to choose a time to talk when you and your parents are both calm and unlikely to get interrupted.^{[4]
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- If you’re not sure when would be a good time, don’t hesitate to ask! Say something like, “There’s something important I want to talk about. Is now a good time?”
- You can also make a plan with your parents ahead of time about when to talk. For example, you could say, “Is it okay if we talk for a few minutes after dinner tonight?”
4
Be direct and honest when you speak to your parents. Your parents will have an easier time understanding you if you say what you really mean. Gain their trust by consistently telling the truth, and use clear, specific language to express your thoughts and feelings.^{[5]
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- For example, if you’re feeling dissatisfied with how things are going in school, avoid using vague statements like, “Ugh, I just hate my life.” Instead, say something like, “I’m feeling frustrated because I’m having a hard time making good grades, and I’m really lonely since Kaylee moved away.”
- Even if you’re afraid of getting in trouble, avoid lying, exaggerating, or fudging the truth when talking to your parents. For example, if you dented your mom’s fender, just say something like, “I wasn’t careful enough pulling into that spot and I bumped into the car next to me. I’m sorry.”
5
Use “I” language to express your feelings. If you’re having a disagreement with your parents, resist the urge to use language that sounds blaming or accusatory. Instead, focus on explaining how you feel. This will show your parents that you take responsibility for your own feelings, and may also help them understand how their words and actions affect you. They will also be more likely to listen if they’re not feeling defensive.^{[6]
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- For example, instead of saying, “You make me so mad,” try something like, “I feel angry when you talk to me that way.”
- It’s okay to be critical of something your parents say or do, but focus on their behavior rather than on who they are as people. For example, instead of saying “You’re a jerk,” say, “I don’t think what you’re doing is fair to me.”
6
Listen to what your parents have to say. You and your parents will both understand each other better if you both listen to one another.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Seth Hall
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 16 November 2021.} If your parents feel like you are willing to hear them out, they’ll also be more likely to listen to you.^{[8]
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Research source} Once you’ve said what’s on your mind, give your parents a chance to talk. Try to really focus on what they are trying to say, without interrupting or planning your response.
- Let your parents know you’re listening by making eye contact, nodding, and using listening words like “Uh huh,” “Okay,” or “Yeah.”
- Try rephrasing what they say to make it clear that you are listening and make sure you understand them correctly. For example, “Dad, it sounds like you don’t want me to stay out late at the party because you’re afraid I’ll be really tired in school tomorrow. Is that right?”
7
Keep your tone and words respectful.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Seth Hall
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 16 November 2021.} No matter how frustrating your parents are being, do your best to stay calm and speak to them in a mature and respectful way. That way, they’ll be more likely to take you seriously and make an effort to understand where you’re coming from.^{[10]
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- Avoid yelling, arguing, whining, or name-calling. Talk to your parents the way you want them to talk to you.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Dealing with Your Frustration

1
Accept that your parents may not understand you. No matter how well you communicate, you can’t always make another person understand your point of view. It’s also up to them to listen and be open-minded. If your parents simply can’t or won’t understand what you’re trying to tell them and you find yourself having the same argument over and over, it may be time to accept that you’ll never be on the same page.^{[11]
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- Even if your parents understand your point of view, they may still disagree with you.
2
Take a break from the conversation if you need to calm down. Talking to someone who can’t or won’t understand you can be very frustrating. If you find yourself getting upset with your parents, step away for a little while so you can cool off. You can say something like, “I just need a few minutes. Can we talk about this a little later?”^{[12]
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- Try breathing deeply to help yourself relax.
- You might also find it helpful to do something to blow off steam, like going for a run, punching a punching bag, or having a good cry in your room.
Tip: If you’re feeling really upset and overwhelmed, it can help to focus on something in your environment. Pick up an object and pay attention to how it feels in your hand, or look around the room and try to spot several items that are blue.^{[13]
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3
Give yourself permission to feel upset. It’s okay and natural to be angry, sad, frustrated, or disappointed when your parents don’t understand where you’re coming from. Don’t get down on yourself if you lose your cool. When you have a moment, just take some time to sit and recognize what you’re feeling, without judging yourself. You might also find it helpful to:^{[14]
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- Meditate on what you are feeling. Sit and focus on your breathing for a few minutes. Then, turn your attention to your thoughts and feelings. Try to put a name to each feeling. For example, “I’m feeling frustrated and upset because my parents aren’t taking me seriously.”
- Express your feelings with music, art, or writing.
- Go for a walk or get some exercise. Moving around can boost your mood and also help clear your head when you feel overwhelmed.
4
Try to understand your parents’ point of view.^{[15]
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Expert Source

Seth Hall
Life Coach
Expert Interview. 16 November 2021.} Even if you don’t agree with your parents, you may have an easier time dealing with them if you understand where they’re coming from. Take time to really think about your parents’ side of things and try to put yourself in their shoes.^{[16]
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- For example, if they don’t want to let you go to the college you’re interested in, think about their reasons. Is it because they’re afraid the tuition will be too expensive? Are they worried that it’s too far away and it will be hard to keep in touch?
- Understanding your parents’ point of view will also make it easier for you to make a strong counterargument. For example, you could say, “I know you guys are worried about the tuition. But if I keep my grades up, I think I’ll qualify for a good scholarship.”

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Getting Outside Help

1
Talk to another trusted adult if your parents won’t listen. Sometimes, you really need someone to listen and understand you. If there’s something important you need to work through and your parents just won’t listen or take you seriously, find someone else to talk to. This might be another family member (like a grandparent, aunt or uncle, or older sibling), a teacher, a counselor, or your doctor.^{[17]
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- Explain to the other person exactly what’s going on and let them know how they can help. For example, you might say, “I’m having a terrible time in school right now. I think it’s because I’m depressed, but my parents just think I’m lazy. Can you help me get in touch with a therapist?”
2
Meet with a counselor if you are struggling to communicate. A family counselor can help you and your parents learn to communicate and understand each other more effectively. If you feel like you and your parents just can’t work together or have a good relationship, try suggesting counseling for you and them.^{[18]
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- If your parents refuse to go to therapy with you, talk to a school counselor or another trusted adult about getting counseling on your own. A counselor can teach you skills to help you cope with your parents better.
Tip: Many schools have social workers or counselors on staff who can help you if you’re having problems at home. If you’re not sure who to talk to, ask one of your teachers or a school staff member to help you.
3
Call a crisis line if you don’t have anyone to turn to. If you’re feeling really alone and don’t have any trusted adults to talk to, you can get support through a youth crisis line. They can talk you through what you’re feeling, offer advice, or help connect you with support services in your area.
- If you live in the U.S., you can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741. In the U.K., you can contact them by texting SHOUT to 85258.
- Do an online search to find a crisis line in your area.

Expert Q&A

Question

What to do when your parents don't understand you?

Seth Hall
Life Coach
Seth T. Hall is a Certified Life Coach and Founder of Transformational Solutions, a Los Angeles-based life-coaching company that helps people achieve their toughest goals, find their own voice, and think outside the box. He has been a life coach for over 10 years, specializing in personal development, relationships, career and finance, and wellness. He has helped his clients break the negative cycles in their lives and replace them with a positive, proactive mindset. Seth believes that everyone has the potential to live a fulfilling and rewarding life, and works passionately to help them reach their full potential. With a deep understanding of how our minds work and the power of positive thinking, he encourages his clients to find their unique paths in life and find success on their own terms. He is a certified master practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, a featured co-author for WikiHow, and co-author of "The Mountain Method”, “The Happy Tiger”, and “The V.I.S.I.O.N.S. Program”.

Seth Hall

Life Coach

Expert Answer

You can write down your own thoughts and feelings so you are clear and understand yourself first. Once you are clear, gather courage to open up and be vulnerable, telling them about what’s really going on in your life.
Question

How can I improve my relationship with my parents as an adult?

Seth Hall
Life Coach
Seth T. Hall is a Certified Life Coach and Founder of Transformational Solutions, a Los Angeles-based life-coaching company that helps people achieve their toughest goals, find their own voice, and think outside the box. He has been a life coach for over 10 years, specializing in personal development, relationships, career and finance, and wellness. He has helped his clients break the negative cycles in their lives and replace them with a positive, proactive mindset. Seth believes that everyone has the potential to live a fulfilling and rewarding life, and works passionately to help them reach their full potential. With a deep understanding of how our minds work and the power of positive thinking, he encourages his clients to find their unique paths in life and find success on their own terms. He is a certified master practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, a featured co-author for WikiHow, and co-author of "The Mountain Method”, “The Happy Tiger”, and “The V.I.S.I.O.N.S. Program”.

Seth Hall

Life Coach

Expert Answer

The best way to improve a relationship with anyone is to try to understand and connect with why they think and feel the way they think and feel. If you don't know, ask! Learning to communicate effectively is the most crucial skill for improving the relationship with anyone who has an emotional charge.
Question

How can I make my parents understand that I don't like being a girl?

wikiHow Staff Editor
Staff Answer
This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

wikiHow Staff Editor

Staff Answer

This can be a very difficult conversation to have with your parents. If you're not sure how your parents feel about gender identity issues, try bringing up the subject with them in a general way first. If you're afraid of how they'll react, try talking to a sympathetic family friend or another adult who can support you and give you advice. You can also get support and advice from LGBT youth organizations like the Trevor Project.