How to Loosen Up

Co-authored by Michael Dickerson, PsyD

Last Updated: December 30, 2021 References Approved

This article is about becoming psychologically flexible. If you had in mind physical flexibility, please see our article Become Flexible.

Have people been telling you that you're too uptight? Do you feel like you can never loosen up, even when everyone around you is being silly and having a good time? Do you wish you knew how to take a joke? If so, then it's time to put on those sweatpants, cast those worries aside, and learn to loosen up! If you want to know how to go from being a nail-biting worrywart to the girl on the beach with no cares other than when the sun will go down, then see Step 1 to get started.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Taking Action

1
Have some brainless fun. You can still think of yourself as the smart one or the serious one and relax and have some fun once in a while. Go bowling. Play charades. Get a little drunk on wine and giggle with your girlfriends. Try on silly costumes. Run around the beach. Do something that requires 0% of your brain power. It'll feel good. Let those worries, ambitions, and problems go and just live in the moment. Living in the moment and being fun and silly will help you be a happier and less tense person over all.
- Be spontaneous. You don't have to plan a time for having brainless fun. If you're hanging out with friends and suddenly don't feel like talking about your stock options, then get silly!
- Do something completely new. Take a salsa class, go to a comedy show, or have fun putting temporary tattoos on your friends' faces. If it would appeal to a fifth grader, even better!
2
Learn to take a joke. This is key to loosening up. If someone teases you, makes fun of you, or makes a joke as a response to a comment you've made, you have to learn to laugh it off – and maybe even to give it right back! If you can never take a joke directed toward you, even if it's harmless, then you will have a reputation for being uptight and no fun to be around. Laugh at yourself, agree with the person, and then dish it right back. If the joke is really meant to be hurtful, then you have the right to be upset, but in most cases, people are just trying to keep you on your toes and to let you know that nobody's perfect!

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3
Break some rules. This doesn't mean you should break into a car or steal an iPod. But it does mean that you should stop being so obsessed about sticking to the rules that you go crazy if you see somebody breaking them. Don't follow every assignment to a T. It'll feel good when you find yourself doing things your way instead of doing what other people want you to do 100% of the time.
- And if you're hanging out with friends who are acting slightly reckless – drinking too much, speeding a little, being annoying at the drive-thru – then yeah, you can be the person who says, “Stop it, you guys!” or you can roll with it and see that nothing bad will happen.
4
Take a break. Sometimes you just need to take a break in the middle of all the action to really relax. If you feel like you're as tight as a drum in the middle of work, school, or even a fun session with friends, then you just need to cool it for a few minutes, to step outside, to look at cute photos of cats, to call your mom, or just to do whatever it is you think will help you feel normal again.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.} There's nothing wrong with taking a break from the action, and it does not mean that you're showing weakness. If stepping out for a bit in the middle of a tense time will help you loosen up, then go for it!
- If you're really a type-A, hardworking person, then you may feel like you won't get a moment of rest until whatever task is at hand gets done, but in reality, if you take half an hour away from your task, you may be able to get it done more easily and with a more level head.
5
Get some rest. One of the reasons you may find it so hard to loosen up is because your body is chronically exhausted without you realizing it. If you get enough rest, you'll have more energy and peace of mind for facing the day, and won't let the most basic challenges upset you. Aim to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep and to go to bed around the same time every night and wake up around the same time every morning. Limit caffeine after noon so you don't feel wired and restless when it's time for bed. These small changes can make a big impact on how you see the world.^{[2]
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- If you're really feeling stressed out in the middle of the day, don't underestimate the power of a good 15-20 minute power nap to helping reboot your system.
6
Go outside. Just stepping outdoors, getting some fresh air, and walking around for 20 minutes a day can make you feel more relaxed, more at peace, and more at one with the world. Make sure to go outside at least 2-3 times a day if you work from home or just if you tend to spend most of your time at home. You'll be surprised by how relaxed and invigorated you feel just from being outdoors, and how much less the small stuff will start to bother you.^{[3]
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7
Hang out with relaxed people. This is a big one. If you want to be able to loosen up and not be so obsessed with being perfect, then you have to hang out with other people who are much more chill than you are. They don't have to be guitar-playing hippies, but they should be people who are a lot less obsessed with the small details of life who know how to be spontaneous and to kick back whenever they feel like it. These people will rub off on you and you will feel more relaxed in no time.
- And on the opposite end of the spectrum, hanging out with people who are super uptight, who are obsessed with perfect grades, the perfect career, etc, are bound to make you even more uptight, too.
8
Declutter your life. Though organizing your desk or cleaning out your closet may not sound like the path to a more relaxed life, you will see that, if you feel more organized and on top of your game, that you'll actually feel like a more relaxed person. You may find it hard to loosen up because you can't find anything in your closet or because you keep losing important documents, or just because of all the clutter in your life. So, take some time (maybe just 30 minutes a day) to start sorting out your space, and you'll be amazed by how much lighter you'll feel.
9
Exercise. Getting some exercise will help you burn steam, will give your body a positive outlet, and will give you the energy you need to face the day. Make a goal of exercising for at least 30 minutes a day, whether you're running, biking, rock climbing, or swimming, and you'll see that you'll be able to burn off a lot of that negative, pent-up energy. Get a buddy to exercise with so you can laugh while you burn some calories.^{[4]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
Go to source}
- If you're super stressed out all the time, you may feel like you don't have time for things like exercise. But if you can move your schedule around, you'll find that you'll be able to carve out the time for your mind and your body.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Changing Your Perspective

1
Accept that you can't control everything. One of the biggest reasons some people have a hard time loosening up is because they want to be in control of every situation. They want to be able to predict exactly what's going to happen and when. They want to know when they will succeed, how their boss/best friend/parents will react, and they want to believe that they know exactly what they have to do to get what they want. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. It's filled with surprises and curve balls, both good and bad. If you really want to loosen up, then you have to get ready to expect the unexpected.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.}^{[6]
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- It takes baby steps to get here. One way you can start is to start thinking of the multiple outcomes that can happen. Let's say you're up for a promotion. Instead of assuming you'll get it, think of the different options and how you'll react to them – you may get the promotion, or you may be told that you will get it pretty soon, or you may be told that you need to work harder if you really want that promotion. Whatever happens, if you're prepared in advance, you'll be less freaked out when “the unexpected” happens.
- There are some things you really can't prepare for in advance. Maybe you and your boyfriend are on your way to a romantic getaway when your car breaks down. Yeah, it sucks, but sometimes, you have to learn to laugh at the things you can't control.
- Let go of being a micro-planner. If you obsessively plan every fifteen-minute block of your day, then you are guaranteed to be frustrated and disappointed when something doesn't go your way.
2
Let go of unrealistic standards. This is another thing that may be in the way of you loosening up. You may expect everyone to be on their best behavior 24/7. You may think that your teachers, your boss, your friends, your significant other, or anyone else in your life is able to read your mind all the time. You may think that the world should give you what you deserve. Well, if you want to loosen up, then you have to learn to accept the imperfections of the world around you; if you want to be able to determine how everyone around you should act, then you should go play the SIMS.^{[7]
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- Once you stop expecting people to act the way you want them to act, you'll be pleasantly surprised when they exceed your expectations.
- People aren't perfect. Sometimes, they will be rude, insensitive, and immature. And that's okay. This goes back to the “letting go of control” thing – let go of your high expectations of everything around you, and you are guaranteed to loosen up.
- This includes letting go of the unrealistic standards you set for yourself. If you expect yourself to be a CEO/Oscar-winning actress/best-selling author by the time you turn 25, then yeah, you are bound to be tense and disappointed when it doesn't happen for you.
3
Be comfortable with making mistakes. People who are uptight freak out anytime something they have planned doesn't go perfectly because they made a mistake, big or small. You have to learn to embrace failure as a learning experience, instead of punishing yourself for not doing something as well as you could have.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 3 August 2021.} Mistakes are a part of life and life would be no fun if we all completed our tasks like robots. If you've made a mistake, think about what you learned from it, what you would have done differently, and how you can use this knowledge in the future.
- People who can't loosen up are so stuck in expecting themselves to be perfect that they feel like huge losers if they misstep somewhere down the line.
4
Learn to let things slide. People who can't loosen up get hung up on every little thing someone does wrong and every little annoying personality trait that someone around them possesses. Sure, Katie got too drunk at your birthday party, or your lab partner forgot to do his part of the project, and that sucks, but how much energy do you want to spend wishing other people acted differently? The answer is, no energy at all. Learn to take a deep breath, accept that it takes all kinds of people to make the world, and move on with your day.
- If someone is really partaking in irritating behavior that is driving you crazy, take some deep breaths, take a bathroom break if you need to, and learn to look past it. The worst thing you can do is to tell everyone within a 25-mile radius about how annoying the person's behavior is; talking about it will only make you look uptight and is guaranteed to make you feel worse.
- Try to think about the scheme of things. Will Bill's antics or Mallory's loudmouth really annoy you even twelve hours from right now? If the answer is no, then why not stop letting it annoy you this moment?
5
Have a realistic idea of what to expect in certain situations. This can also help you loosen up a bit. Before you go into a situation, make a list of all of the different things that can happen, instead of the one thing you expect to happen, and you'll be better off for it. Let's say you're throwing yourself a birthday party. Best case scenario: everyone shows up, it's the best party ever, people will be talking about it for years, etc. But more realistically, some things are bound to go wrong: maybe a few guests who promised to come won't make it, a few people will have five tequila shots too many and may fall into your bookshelf, and maybe your crush will act lame. The more scenarios you have in your head, the less likely you are to freak out if something doesn't happen according to plan.
- That's not to say that you shouldn't keep up a positive attitude and expect the best. But if you're aware of the other possibilities, you're much less likely to freak out and cause a ruckus if something less-than-great happens.
6
Don't take yourself too seriously. This is another quality that people who have trouble loosening up all share. You may have a hard time laughing in the face of crisis, understanding when someone is just teasing you, or even understanding your own foibles because you think that you are a very serious, important, busy person who cannot be bothered to point out his or her own imperfections. Make a list of your flaws and learn to poke fun at them! It's better that you realize what your weaknesses are than to have someone else point them out.^{[9]
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- The key is not to be so darn sensitive. If you act like you're going to cry or get upset about every little thing someone says about you, then no one will feel like they can relax around you. You don't want to be that person who stops people from having a little harmless fun, do you?
7
See the situation from another person's perspective. Another trick to being able to relax is to understand where all of those pesky people who are bothering you are coming from. So Marcia got too drunk at your birthday party and tried to make out with your lamp. Maybe that's annoying, but remember that Marcia got dumped that week and she's been acting a little off ever since. Maybe Mark didn't turn in his project on time; remember that he has been taking care of his sick mother and has been a little under the weather. Humans are, well, human, and if you think about some of the reasons that people may not act the way you want them to act, then you'll be able to accept their behavior more readily.
- This doesn't mean that there's always a great reason for someone to act out of line. But more often than not, if you dig deeper, you'll be able to find an explanation for it. And that's what people who need to relax live on – explanations.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Making an Effort to Relax

1
Get a massage. Go to a massage parlor and take care of that tension in your neck, back, and body. If you're uncomfortable about this, then get a trusted friend to give you a massage. It will definitely help you relax, especially in moments of high stress or tension. Don't knock it until you try it. Before you know it, you may be signing up for weekly massages!
2
Do yoga. Yoga has been proven to have countless benefits on your mind and body, one of which is helping people relax and live in the moment. You can take a power yoga class if you want more of a workout or a more calming and meditation-focused class if you want to focus on your mind. Just practicing 2-3 times a week can really help you loosen up and feel more centered. If you really enjoy the classes, then you may even end up practicing on your own.^{[10]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
Go to source}
3
Dance. Blast your music and dance alone in your room or get into a spontaneous dance contest with your friends. Whether you're hanging out at home, hitting up the clubs, or even enrolled in a dance class, dancing can help you get rid of some of that negative energy, learn to experiment and not take yourself so seriously, and can help you generally unwind and have fun.^{[11]
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4
Meditate. Just 10-20 minutes of mediation a day can help you be more loose and relaxed throughout the day. Find a quiet place in your home, take a seat, close your eyes, and focus on your breath. Feel the breath going in and out of your body as you relax your body one part at a time. Ignore any noises and distractions in your way and focus on reaching a calm, happy place. When you're done, you'll be much more equipped for facing the challenges ahead of you.^{[12]
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5
Drink a cup of tea or coffee. For many people, the routine of brewing a cup of tea or coffee is just as relaxing as the drink itself. So, partake in this morning ritual to get your day started on a calm, relaxing note. Make sure not to overdo it on the caffeine, though, or you will actually make yourself more tense.^{[13]
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6
Laugh more. Laughter really is the best medicine and it can definitely help you loosen up, no matter how bad of a day you're having. Make a habit of laughing more during your daily life, whether it means watching a comedy, watching silly videos on YouTube, hanging out with your funniest friend more, or catching a comedy show. Though it may sound silly to “force” yourself to laugh, this will help you take any challenges with a grain of salt and to be able to stand back and laugh at your foibles instead of feeling tense whenever something goes wrong.^{[14]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
7
See if you need to make a major life change to really loosen up. Maybe your job is sucking all of the life out of you. Maybe your three best friends are neurotic basket cases who have turned you into a complete worrywart for no reason. Maybe you've spent way too much effort doing exactly what your parents expect you to do and feel like you have no wiggle room to do what you really want to do. If changing your attitude and making a series of small changes just isn't working for you, then you may have to stop and think about any big changes that may be necessary to your future happiness.
- Make a list of all of the things that are leading you to be stressed and unhappy. If you notice a pattern and see that most of them are coming from one source, then it may be time to make a big move. This may be scary, but in the end, you'll be a happier person because of it!

Expert Q&A

Question

Ho do you loosen up at work?

Michael Dickerson, PsyD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Michael Dickerson is a Clinical Psychologist with over 6 years of experience working in college counseling. He specializes in anxiety, OCD, and men's mental health. Michael holds a BA in Psychology from California State University, Sacramento and a Doctor of Psychology (PsyD) from The Wright Institute in Berkeley CA.

Michael Dickerson, PsyD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

Try letting another person "take the reins." If you don't ever let someone else take the lead, you'll have trouble building confidence and learning to trust other people.