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This article was co-authored by Kirsten Parker, MFA. Kirsten Parker is a Mindset and Action Coach based in her hometown of Los Angeles, California. She helps high achievers overcome stress and self-doubt. She specializes in increasing one's confidence and clarity by incorporating tools from positive psychology, mindful habit change, and self-regulation into her coaching. She is a Certified HeartMath Practitioner trained in Stress, Anxiety, and Intelligent Energy Management along with Emotional Intelligence and the Science of Self-Acceptance. She also holds an MFA from Yale University School of Drama in Stage Management.
There are 17 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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Regret can be a powerful barrier to living the life you want. It's never too late, however, to turn your life around. You can begin to appreciate each day without the burden of a past full of regrets. Find out how to love the path you're on by exploring your desires, taking steps toward a new future, and letting go of past mistakes.
Steps
Part 1
Part 1 of 3:
Discovering Your Life's Path
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1Make a bucket list. Research shows that people tend to regret what they didn't do more than what they did. With this in mind, create a list of things you want to do during your lifetime.[1] These can be "small" experiences like sky-diving or "big" experiences like advancing your career or having children.
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2Identify your values and allow them to guide you.[2] It's not always obvious what will make us happy. Take a minute to examine what it is that you want out of life. Some people find meaning in the joys and challenges of teaching, others thrive on the competition and creativity of the business world. Before making a big decision, ask yourself: "Will this action or course cause me to feel regret? Is it in line with my values?"[3]
- Your values have a lot in common with your highest priorities. Look at your daily life to help you answer this question. Where do you spend your time and money? Family? Education? Art? Travel?[4]
- Set goals that support your values (if you want to live abroad for a year, for instance, set goals to save money to move, gain employment, etc.).
- Take 15 minutes every week to check in with yourself and make sure you're pursuing things you really want and enjoy. If not, change your path![5]
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3Test yourself to find your strengths. If you aren't sure what direction to pursue in life or what you find meaningful, take this career personality and aptitude test. The test will help you discover your strengths and match those strengths to a potential course in life: click here.
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4See a licensed counselor or psychologist. A licensed professional can help you discover your innate talents, identify your passions and overcome obstacles. This is especially useful if you feel frustrated at not knowing where your life should be headed.
- Speaking with a life coach is another option, but be aware that is little regulation on getting those certifications.
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5Take an inventory of your life's obstacles. Many people know what they want, deep down, but they may have problems achieving those goals and dreams. Frequently, for example, people report regret over not following their own desires because of pressure from other people.[6] Knowing what is preventing you from reaching your full potential is an important step.
- Keep in mind that most people's regrets center around education, romantic activities, and their career.[7] Pay attention to what may be hindering you from developing these areas of your life.
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Part 2
Part 2 of 3:
Being Proactive in Life
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1Repair broken relationships. Constructive communication can help if you have trouble maintaining a relationship with a close friend, lover, or family member. Follow these steps in order to repair that connection:[8] This kind of communication consists of:
- Be proactive about repetitive disagreements. Recognize signs and triggers of a fight about to happen. Pause and re-orient yourself to being more aware of those old patterns of behavior. This will help you change your response and act more intentionally.
- Express yourself in a more compassionate, less confrontational way. Use "I" language rather than "you" language, such as "I'm upset by what you said," rather than, "You're being rude to me."
- Find ways to deal with your own emotions, such as practicing mindful breathing when you start to feel angry. You can do this by paying close attention to the sensation of your breath going in and out of your nostrils.[9]
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2Set goals. It's not always easy to reach our highest aspirations in life. Use the technique of goal-setting to help you take things one step at a time. Here are some tips for how to set realistic and achievable goals:[10]
- Set goals that can be measured. This will help you feel accomplished and keep your motivation up when you see progress.
- Set goals that are challenging but also realistic. Try to find a balance with goals that are challenging but not impossible. If they're too easy then you might get bored, and you won't grow as much. If they're too difficult then you may become frustrated and give up.
- Keep your goals flexible. It's good to have a routine, but if your goals are too rigid, failing to meet them can be discouraging. Know that it's okay to go back and revise your goals.[11] Also, missing a goal now and then is better than burning yourself out.
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3Develop your mode of expression. Self-expression and creativity are integral to living a good life with no regrets.[12] This can show up in many different ways, from more traditional avenues, such as performing as a musician or artist, to less conventional paths, like being a social worker or computer programmer. Creative expression is not limited to the arts, but appears anywhere someone has discovered their passion. Here are some steps you can take:[13]
- Experience things fully. Slow down and pay attention to what's going on around you.
- Let your own self emerge. Be cautious about external cues from people and the larger culture for what you should feel, think, and do.
- Be honest. Being honest with yourself and others will give your innermost self an opportunity to grow.
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4Keep your choices in check. It may seem like having more choices is always better than having fewer choices, but research shows that this is not actually the case. Having fewer choices means that once you make a decision, you don't worry as much about the path you neglected to take. On the other hand, if the decision is reversible and only one among many, there’s a higher potential that you will reflect needlessly on your decision, taking energy away from other pursuits.
- For example, if you're looking at colleges to attend after high school, narrow your choices to a handful rather than applying to twenty different locations.
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5Focus on experiences. Research shows that people are likely to regret buying things, whereas they're likely to regret not buying or pursuing experiences.[14] Psychology shows that materialism, or the pursuit of "things," is not the key to happiness.[15] Experiences create lasting memories, while "things" deteriorate and lose their shiny new appeal.[16]
- For example, spend your money on a family vacation or a trip to Europe rather than a slightly bigger TV.
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6Live in the present.[17] One of the biggest obstacles to happiness is dwelling in the past. You'll never be able to change reality or go back in time, so why spend energy dwelling on it?[18] The practice of mindfulness is all about learning to appreciate and live in the present moment, because that's where life actually occurs. Learn to orient yourself toward the now:
- Practice mindful breathing for at least five minutes a day.
- Use a word or image to bring you back to the present. It can be a flower, the word "peace," or whatever works for you.
- Engage in mindful activities like yoga or going for a walk while paying close attention to your steps.
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Part 3
Part 3 of 3:
Letting Go of the Past
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1Forgive yourself. Feeling resentment and anger toward yourself for mistakes you've made in the past interferes with your life, and it can even contribute to health problems such as heart disease.
- Forgive yourself for the right things. Making mistakes is a part of being human and is worth forgiving yourself over, but you shouldn't need to forgive yourself for things like being who you are: if you are gay, transgender, or have a handicap, for instance.[19]
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2Use regret to move forward.[20] Regret actually has several positive aspects. We experience regret when we need to take a hard look at ourselves and our choices. Research shows that many people rate regret as being more useful than other negative emotions in areas such as: avoiding future negative behaviors, gaining insight into yourself, and achieving harmony with the people in your life.
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3Ask for forgiveness. If you've hurt someone that you care about and you have difficulty overcoming that guilt, do your best to make amends with the person. You can do this by:[21]
- Demonstrating that you feel bad about your actions. The first step is to show that you feel empathy toward how the person feels.
- Accepting responsibility for your actions. Don't blame anyone else; take responsibility for your behavior.
- Showing that you are willing to make it up. Promise to try to act differently in the future, and take steps to make it right.
- Even if the person isn't receptive, you made the effort, and for that you can be proud.
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4Give up on having total control. There are things you simply can't control in life, no matter how much you want to or how hard you try. Life will always have an additional curveball to throw or an additional ace up its sleeve. The best way to deal with this predicament is to embrace it and throw yourself into the fray, loving every moment and knowing that you are living intentionally, even when you experience pain or make bad choices.[22]
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5Create value out of your struggles.[23] One of the best ways to let go of the past and live without regret is to let your past mistakes work for you. If you are still feeling pain over something you did years ago, take that as a sign that something needs to be done in order for you to move on. That might be apologizing to someone, changing the course of your career, or moving to a different place.
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Expert Q&A
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QuestionHow can I live a regret-free life?
Kirsten Parker, MFAKirsten Parker is a Mindset and Action Coach based in her hometown of Los Angeles, California. She helps high achievers overcome stress and self-doubt. She specializes in increasing one's confidence and clarity by incorporating tools from positive psychology, mindful habit change, and self-regulation into her coaching. She is a Certified HeartMath Practitioner trained in Stress, Anxiety, and Intelligent Energy Management along with Emotional Intelligence and the Science of Self-Acceptance. She also holds an MFA from Yale University School of Drama in Stage Management.
Mindset & Action CoachPeople have regrets in life because they let themselves fantasize about what could have happened if they had gone back and made different choices. In reality, there's no way to go back in time and change things. All we can do is try our best in the present. When you start to accept that there are things you can't control in life, you'll find it's easier to let go of all the decisions you regret. -
QuestionDo regrets ever go away?Kirsten Parker, MFAKirsten Parker is a Mindset and Action Coach based in her hometown of Los Angeles, California. She helps high achievers overcome stress and self-doubt. She specializes in increasing one's confidence and clarity by incorporating tools from positive psychology, mindful habit change, and self-regulation into her coaching. She is a Certified HeartMath Practitioner trained in Stress, Anxiety, and Intelligent Energy Management along with Emotional Intelligence and the Science of Self-Acceptance. She also holds an MFA from Yale University School of Drama in Stage Management.
Mindset & Action CoachThey can. Typically, people have regrets because they struggle with things they can't control in life or fantasize about how things could've been different. Try not to latch onto these ideas. -
QuestionIs it okay to change your mind?Kirsten Parker, MFAKirsten Parker is a Mindset and Action Coach based in her hometown of Los Angeles, California. She helps high achievers overcome stress and self-doubt. She specializes in increasing one's confidence and clarity by incorporating tools from positive psychology, mindful habit change, and self-regulation into her coaching. She is a Certified HeartMath Practitioner trained in Stress, Anxiety, and Intelligent Energy Management along with Emotional Intelligence and the Science of Self-Acceptance. She also holds an MFA from Yale University School of Drama in Stage Management.
Mindset & Action CoachYes, it's good to be flexible when it comes goals and what you want. Reconsider or revise your goals if they're no longer making you happy.
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Warnings
- Don't be afraid of regret.[25] Living timidly in order to avoid regret is not a good strategy. Do your best to make good decisions, but accept and forgive yourself if you do end up with regrets.⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References
- ↑ http://time.com/3676444/living-life-without-regret/
- ↑ Kirsten Parker, MFA. Mindset & Action Coach. Expert Interview. 22 July 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/no-more-regrets/201101/the-regret-factor-how-it-impacts-our-happiness
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-prime/201205/personal-growth-your-values-your-life
- ↑ Kirsten Parker, MFA. Mindset & Action Coach. Expert Interview. 22 July 2020.
- ↑ http://time.com/3676444/living-life-without-regret/
- ↑ http://time.com/3676444/living-life-without-regret/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201410/6-steps-repairing-your-relationship
- ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356?pg=2
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/coaching-and-parenting-young-athletes/201311/keys-effective-goal-setting
- ↑ Kirsten Parker, MFA. Mindset & Action Coach. Expert Interview. 22 July 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/theory-and-psychopathology/201308/the-theory-self-actualization
- ↑ http://psikoloji.fisek.com.tr/maslow/self.htm
- ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21843013
- ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/15/psychology-materialism_n_4425982.html
- ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21843013
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stress-remedy/200810/the-challenge-living-in-the-present
- ↑ Kirsten Parker, MFA. Mindset & Action Coach. Expert Interview. 22 July 2020.
- ↑ http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/learning-to-forgive-yourself
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201205/the-psychology-regret
- ↑ http://www.umass.edu/fambiz/articles/resolving_conflict/meaningful_apology.html
- ↑ Kirsten Parker, MFA. Mindset & Action Coach. Expert Interview. 22 July 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201310/how-break-free-the-past
- ↑ Kirsten Parker, MFA. Mindset & Action Coach. Expert Interview. 22 July 2020.
- ↑ http://www.npr.org/2012/05/04/151886493/kathyrn-schulz-why-should-we-embrace-regret
About This Article
Kirsten Parker, MFA
Mindset & Action Coach
This article was co-authored by Kirsten Parker, MFA. Kirsten Parker is a Mindset and Action Coach based in her hometown of Los Angeles, California. She helps high achievers overcome stress and self-doubt. She specializes in increasing one's confidence and clarity by incorporating tools from positive psychology, mindful habit change, and self-regulation into her coaching. She is a Certified HeartMath Practitioner trained in Stress, Anxiety, and Intelligent Energy Management along with Emotional Intelligence and the Science of Self-Acceptance. She also holds an MFA from Yale University School of Drama in Stage Management. This article has been viewed 450,692 times.
Co-authors: 23
Updated: February 16, 2023
Views: 450,692
Categories: Remorse
Article SummaryX
You can live life with no regrets by allowing your values to guide you, since doing things that align with your values will make you feel more fulfilled. For example, if family is important to you, try spending more time with your loved ones, or if necessary, begin repairing broken relationships. Alternatively, if experiences like travel are most important to you, work on saving money to visit all the places on your bucket list. Additionally, make sure you set goals for yourself, like calling family once a month, to help you stay on track. If you still feel frustrated by regrets in your life, try talking to a licensed counselor or psychologist to help you overcome obstacles. To learn how to ask someone you hurt for forgiveness, read more from our licensed co-author.
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