Sometimes breaking up with someone is easier said than done. If you’ve ever been stuck in a cycle of breaking up and making up, it can seem like it’s impossible to leave your ex for good. But you can do it. There are things you can do to keep yourself from falling back into an unhappy relationship. To help you out, we’ve put together a list of things you can do to move on for good.

1

Tell your partner you need to talk.

  1. Sit down and talk about your separation. If you leave without saying anything, your partner won't understand what happened or why. If you want to leave them for good, tell your partner that you need to discuss something important.[1] Having this conversation may be painful, but it’s the most direct and respectful way to end things.[2]
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2

Be ready to answer the question, “Why?”

  1. Your partner is likely to ask you this question. Spend some time thinking about all of the reasons and motivations you have for ending your relationship. You want to be able to cite examples of why things between the two of you have not been going well lately.[4] Work on coming up with answers so can respond clearly and directly.[5]
    • If it helps, make a list of possible questions and your responses.
    • Anticipate questions like, “Why?” and “What did I do wrong?” You might respond, “I need to do this for me” or “It’s not all your fault, this just isn’t working.”
3

Use “I” statements so they don’t feel attacked.

  1. Keep the focus on you and your feelings, not their faults. Talk about why you feel unhappy and why you want to end the relationship. Try not to point out mistakes they’ve made or things that you dislike about them. It’ll make it easier for them to hear what you’re saying without getting defensive.[6]
    • For instance, instead of saying, “You don’t make time for me and I don’t like how little you do around the house,” you could say, “I don’t feel like my needs are being met.”
    • You might say, “I just don’t feel the same way I once felt and I need to do this for me.”
    • If they have their own concerns, listen to them.[7] But keep your own reasons focused on yourself.
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4

Keep your message short and direct.

  1. Avoid vague or contradictory language so there’s no confusion. It can feel tempting to break the news gently to avoid upsetting them. But your best bet is to tell them in no uncertain terms that you want to end the relationship and move on. Avoid open-ended statements that could leave doubt in their mind about whether you really want to leave them. Stick to clear, direct statements.[8]
    • Instead of saying something like, “Unless things just suddenly changed, I don’t think we can be together,” try something direct like, “I want us to move on” or “I’m sorry, but it’s over and I need you to accept that.”
5

Share the news with friends and family.

  1. Encourage everyone to see your separation as a positive step. Your separation may not come as a huge surprise to them, but once things are officially over, they need to know. Some of your mutual friends may take sides, which is understandable, but it can make the separation harder. Encourage everyone to see your separation as a good thing that will eventually make both you and your ex happier.[9]
    • You could say, “If you can please respect our privacy while we work on figuring out the next steps, we’d greatly appreciate it.”
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7

Make plans to move out quickly if you live together.

8

Set clear boundaries about communication.

  1. Tell your ex how they can and cannot get in touch with you. Tell them they can’t barrage you with a ton of text messages or phone calls and that if they do you won’t respond to them. Define what you consider to be acceptable forms of communication, which could be text messages, phone calls, or emails, but at an acceptable level.[12]
    • For instance, you could say, “If you need to get in touch with me, you can shoot me a text and I’ll get back to you when I can. Please don’t blow up my phone or I’ll have to block you.”
    • You could also say, “If you need me, send me an email, please.”
10

Reach out to friends and family for support.

11

Fill your time with healthy activities.

Expert Q&A
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  • Question
    What are some signs that my relationship might not work?
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Relationship Therapist
    Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
    Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
    Relationship Therapist
    Expert Answer

    Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

    Ask yourself if you're emotionally present in the relationship or if you have any needs that your partner doesn't fulfill. You can also question your expectations and what aspects of your relationship work.
  • Question
    I live with my partner and I need to tell her that I don't want to get re-married. What should I do?
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Expert Answer

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    The most important thing is not to lead her on. Don't let her think you're interested in getting re-married if you're really not. If this is how you truly feel, you should let her know with as much honesty and respect as possible.
  • Question
    My partner keeps talking me out of making the final break. How can I leave him without being convinced not to?
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Tasha Rube is a Licensed Social Worker based in Kansas City, Kansas. Tasha is affiliated with the Dwight D. Eisenhower VA Medical Center in Leavenworth, Kansas. She received her Masters of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Missouri in 2014.
    Tasha Rube, LMSW
    Licensed Master Social Worker
    Expert Answer

    Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

    Be honest and straightforward with your partner. Let them know how you feel and what you want. If this is a breakup, your best bet is to be as forthcoming as possible with your feelings. Take care of yourself and be truthful to YOU.
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Warnings

  • If your ex is aggressive or abusive, contact the police. Put an end to any threatening behavior as soon as it starts so it doesn’t get out of hand.
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About This Article

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Co-authored by:
Relationship Therapist
This article was co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF). This article has been viewed 556,506 times.
5 votes - 60%
Co-authors: 42
Updated: April 19, 2022
Views: 556,506
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