How to Know if You Are LGBTQA

Co-authored by Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Last Updated: April 12, 2022 References

For some people, coming to terms with your sexuality is easy; one look at your feelings and attractions and you know. But for some – most, in fact – it’s a long emotional battle where you have to experiment with identification and relationships before knowing and then face all sorts of bullying. Sexuality can rule people’s lives if it isn’t understood and accepted early on. If you’re struggling to define yourself, then here are some things that will help you on your way.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Understanding Different Sexualities

1
Understand what heterosexuality is. The dictionary definition of heterosexual is a person who is sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex. Most people identify as straight. It's often considered more common in our society. Being heterosexual means that you feel romantically or sexually attracted to members of the opposite sex only and it's normal to feel that way and there's nothing wrong with that.^{[1]
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2
Understand what being gay is. Being gay means being sexually attracted to people of the same sex. Although the word ‘gay’ can be used by lesbians to describe themselves, it is more commonly used to describe men who are attracted to other men only. This basically means that while a man or woman may find someone of the opposite sex attractive, the thought of a romantic or sexual relationship with the other gender is not desired.^{[2]
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3
Understand what being bisexual is. This can be used by any gender and is a person who is attracted to two (or for some it can be more) genders. Most bisexual people started off identifying as heterosexual and then felt an attraction to their own gender too, before finally decided that they weren’t confused but in fact bisexual. A basic way to describe bisexuality is feeling attraction to your own gender as well as others. Bisexuality is also easily confused with pansexuality, but pansexuality is a little broader since it means attraction to all genders. Bisexuality for most bisexual people doesn't mean that. ^{[3]
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4
Understand what being transgender is. Although being transgender doesn’t necessarily influence your sexuality, it is the ‘T’ in ‘LGBTQA’ and means someone who feels like they were assigned a different gender at birth than they actually are. For example, someone who was assigned female (meaning the doctor said "it's a girl!" at birth) who is actually male, would be a transgender man. The reverse goes for transgender women.^{[4]
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- Other transgender identities include neutrois (neutral gender), agender (no gender), polygender (many genders), bigender (two genders), two-spirit (which is a Native American role that has a spiritual context and should not be used by non-Native Americans), genderqueer, etc. These labels are collectively called 'non-binary' genders. Non-binary in itself can also be an identity similar to neutrois.
5
Understand what questioning is. If a person identifies as questioning, it means that they are unsure of their spot on the sexuality/gender spectrum. As the term ‘questioning’ suggests, it is where you start to question whether or not you are heterosexual or cisgender (meaning not transgender).^{[5]
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6
Understand what being asexual is. Asexuality is physically not feeling sexually attracted to anyone. They are capable of having sexual relationships, but generally don't feel the need to.^{[6]
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- This is not by choice, as that is defined as celibacy. Some asexuals may have had their sexuality influenced by trauma, but that doesn't make them unworthy of validation. However, many people's asexuality was not influenced by trauma at all (even if they had previously experienced some), and that is just as valid and normal.
7
Understand what poly- and pansexuality is. Polysexuality is a term for being attracted to some (but not all) genders (and is separate from polyamory), while pansexuality is being attracted to all genders. These terms are especially helpful in that they can be used to include non-binary people.
- Polyamory is the practice of having romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time, with the consent of all people involved. It is usually not considered part of the LGBT+ umbrella, although the two communities are related, partly due to the fact that many polyamorous people are not straight in addition to being poly.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Coming Out

1
Once you are sure of your sexuality or gender, you may want to come out. This is a very large decision and may take a good preparation period, but it will often end well and make you feel more confident about your sexuality.
2
Drop some hints into conversation. If you ask a person a question such as “What do you think about gay people?” or the like, without sounding at all suspicious, you can get an idea of whether the person is homophobic/transphobic or not. If the person says that they hate gay people, or make an offensive comment, that person may not be the best person to tell. If the person is supportive or as good as, then you can probably trust this person with your secret.
3
Wait until the right time. It's a good idea to be in a private area while coming out so that only the person(s) you wish to address hear. Make sure you’re in an environment that is quiet and private and, if necessary, you could make a quick get away from. Not everyone will react in the way that you want them to, but simply keep in mind that you know that you are making the best decision for yourself.^{[7]
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4
Be sensitive. If you just blurt it out, you will shock that person. Inevitably, it’s going to be a surprise, but if you gently introduce your secret, this will be much kinder of you and allow the person to soak this newly-introduced trait in.
5
Tell the person or people that you have something important you'd like to address. This way, your audience can compose themselves and be prepared for a big announcement. Again, you don't want to drop this out of nowhere - it's large news.
6
If you’re going to tell a group of people, then perhaps you could tell them all at once. You could tell them that you have something private to tell them and you don’t want them to freak out. Get them to sit around a table, or in the same room, before announcing it. This saves you having to repeat yourself over and over. It reduces your stress and it means that you don’t have to watch their shocked reactions individually.
7
Stay confident in your decision. You'll want to tell your audience that you have no desire to be questioned and that you have taken this issue into mind for a good amount of time. There’s nothing worse than a whole load of questions, especially if you’ve only just come to terms with it.^{[8]
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8
Make sure you trust who you tell. If someone you hate gets a hold of this information, it is possible you could be verbally abused for your decision. This is how bullying starts, and once the information is out there, there’s no getting it back. Be careful who you trust and how much information you give out.^{[9]
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- However, keep in mind that bullying is not your fault. Report any bullying that occurs.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Dealing with Bullying

1
Keep in mind that some people will simply not react well. This is fairly inevitable, but keep your confidence. You know that you have made the best decision for yourself.^{[10]
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2
Know how to deal with verbal bullying. If people are calling you names and making snide comments, then it can be hard to argue back, especially if you are shy in personality. If you need to defend yourself, avoid attacking the other person as well. Instead, try ignoring the person, saying that you don't care, or responding with the "I", rather than "You". This means saying something along the lines of "I don't like it when you call me that," rather than "You should stop calling me that."
3
Be prepared for physical bullying. When it is physical, it immediately becomes more serious. Physical harm to you is assault, and it is absolutely not something you should have to deal with. If someone is hurting you, tell someone that you trust, such as a boss, teacher, parent, or if the bullying gets very serious, the police. Only address the police if you have severe threats or if you are being seriously injured and/or hospitalized. Stay around people you trust, since bullies tend to prefer private, and keep an eye out for vandals to your property - you can use it as proof of bullying.^{[11]
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4
Know what to do for cyberbullying. This is the most cowardly type of bullying, since bullies hide behind a screen, and it still hurts. If someone is being rude to you online because of your sexuality, then it can seem like there’s no way out of it, especially if it’s someone you don’t know. If you can, report or block the bully or bullies through the website's system. If you are threatened, tell the police immediately, along with a screenshot or a link to the place where you were threatened.^{[12]
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Expert Q&A

Question

Is it okay to call someone out for using the wrong pronouns?

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Deb Schneider is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Oakland, CA, and a Program Manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces, respectful of marginalized identities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Women's Studies from Clark University and a Master of Social Work (MSW) with Health Concentration from the University of California, Berkeley School of Social Welfare.

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Answer

If they aren't being malicious, I don't know if "calling them out" is necessarily the right way to go. You might be better off just trying to educate them on why using the correct pronouns is important.
Question

How do I figure out who to come out to?

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Deb Schneider is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Oakland, CA, and a Program Manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces, respectful of marginalized identities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Women's Studies from Clark University and a Master of Social Work (MSW) with Health Concentration from the University of California, Berkeley School of Social Welfare.

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Answer

You should have some sort of intuitive sense about who you should tell. If you've had friends or family members who have been openly supportive, either directly or indirectly, towards the LGBTQ+ community, they're probably going to be safe bets. Remember, you don't have to tell anyone you aren't comfortable telling. It's totally up to you.
Question

What does it mean if you're asexual?

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Deb Schneider is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in Oakland, CA, and a Program Manager for the Weiland Health Initiative at Stanford University. With over 15 years of experience, she specializes in creating safe spaces, respectful of marginalized identities, at the high school and college levels. Deb holds a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology and Women's Studies from Clark University and a Master of Social Work (MSW) with Health Concentration from the University of California, Berkeley School of Social Welfare.

Deb Schneider, LCSW, PPSC

Licensed Clinical Social Worker

Expert Answer

Asexuality refers to a sexual orientation where you aren't sexually attracted to other people. It doesn't mean that you don't have romantic feelings, or you aren't interested in relationships, just that you don't express yourself through physical affection.

Warnings

Wait until you're certain of your sexuality or gender before coming out. You don't want to cause a fuss and then realize that you need to think for longer.

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Report any bullying straight away.

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Contact a helpline if you ever feel depressed due to negative reactions. Keep in mind that this is your decision.

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