How to Be a Lesbian

Last Updated: October 22, 2022 References

Figuring out your sexuality can be difficult, confusing, or exciting—and sometimes a mixture of all three. Being attracted to other women doesn’t change the core of who you are, but it can be a big part of your identity, and it’s normal to want to explore that, even if it feels intimidating at the first. Exploring your sexuality might mean looking for support from friends and family or doing some soul-searching on your own before you’re ready to start making connections. No matter what, being kind, compassionate, and curious will help you accept and love yourself just as you are.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Recognizing and Accepting Your Sexuality

1
Remember that you can define your sexuality for yourself. When you’re exploring your sexual identity, it’s important to remember that sexuality is a spectrum. That means that you might have feelings for both men and women, for just women, or for very few people at all. Your sexuality might even shift over time. This might feel confusing or even scary, but it’s completely normal. Wherever your sexuality falls is where it’s supposed to be.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.}
- Remember that there are also no “right” ways to be lesbian, straight, bisexual, or any other sexual identity. Your identity is defined by who you are, not any stereotypes or expectations.^{[2]
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  Marissa Floro, PhD
  Counseling Psychologist
  Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.}
- Consider taking an online sexuality quiz to determine what sexuality label (if any) feels right for you.
2
Explore your feelings with patience and curiosity. Looking more closely at your sexuality might feel intimidating, especially if it’s something you’ve avoided for a while. Remind yourself that you’re safe—just because you’re thinking about your feelings, doesn’t mean you have to act on them or tell anyone if you’re not ready. Simply start to think about the way you feel about other girls and romantic relationships, recognizing and accepting your feelings with honesty and compassion.^{[3]
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- Try to reframe this process in your head. Exploring your sexuality is a good thing, and it might even start feeling exciting.
- Do your best not to judge yourself. Take a step back to really look at how you feel, and be kind and open to any feelings that come up.
3
Accept and confront any fears or hesitations you have about your sexuality. If you’re uncomfortable, scared, or even in denial about your feelings, start to think about why this might be the case. Recognizing and accepting, or even confronting, any negative feelings you have about your sexuality can teach you a lot about yourself. Instead of fighting those negative emotions, accept them as a part of this journey and remind yourself that they don’t have power over you.^{[4]
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- For example, if you’re feeling embarrassed or ashamed, think about what those feelings might stem from, like long-held romantic beliefs from family or media.
- Little by little, start to pick apart the reasoning behind your negative feelings. You might realize, for example, that just because you were raised to think that certain things are normal or right, doesn’t mean those ideas have to control who you are now.
4
Be confident in who you are, even when it’s hard. Your sexuality can feel like a core part of you, and exploring or questioning it can make you feel scared or uncertain about who you are and where you fit in. Embracing who you are might be hard right now, but it’s the best thing you can do. Loving yourself and being confident in who you are will make it easier to accept your sexuality and even share it with others, when you’re ready.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.}
5
Remember that your sexuality is only one aspect of your identity. Your sexuality is important, but it’s not the only thing you are. Being a lesbian doesn’t make you a different person, and there are no rules about what you can do or think because of your sexuality. Keep on doing the things that make you happiest, whether that’s school, hobbies, work, or spending time with family and friends.
- If you’re feeling conflicted, confused, or scared, lean on the things that make you the happiest. Remind yourself of who you are and what you love, and remember that being lesbian won’t change those things.
6
Think about seeing a therapist to confide in and get professional advice. A therapist, especially one who specializes in LGBT issues, can be a great resource for advice if you’re having trouble coming to terms with your sexuality. Therapists are required by law to keep their patient’s information confidential, which means that you can talk to them about your sexuality without fear of them telling anyone else.
- Therapists are required to report abuse and things that could harm you or others, like thoughts of suicide.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Finding Support

1
Look for LGBT groups on the Internet or in your community. If you don’t think your friends or family will be supportive, or you’re just not ready to open up to them yet, it’s completely OK to look for community and support in other places. See if there are any LGBT support groups in your area, or look for forums and communities online. Finding people going through the same thing as you can help you feel less alone and more like part of a community.^{[6]
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- Look for online and in-person groups that seem legitimate, with connections to LGBT organizations or therapists. If you’re not comfortable talking yet, just log in or sit in on sessions to listen. When it comes to sharing your story, it’s OK to take your time.
2
Talk to a close friend or family member that you trust. Opening up to friends and family can feel like a huge, scary step, and you don’t have to do it unless you feel ready, and keep your safety in mind. If there’s someone in your life who you can trust, though, confiding in them about your sexuality can help you feel stronger and less alone. They’ll be able to give you support when you need it, and maybe advice as well.^{[7]
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- Pay attention to friends and family members who seem open and accepting. They might mention having LGBT friends or even talk about their own sexual orientation.
- Start the conversation when you’re alone and say something like, “I’m not ready to tell anyone else this yet, but I think I’m a lesbian.”
3
Read or watch shows about lesbians to feel like part of a community. It’s OK if you don’t feel like reaching out to people just yet, whether they’re friends or a support group. Taking in LGBT-supportive media, like TV shows, movies, and books, is an easy, low-risk way to start finding a community and a place you belong. Seeing people like you in the media can also help you feel more confident in yourself.^{[8]
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- Try watching shows with lesbian representation, like Glee and Orange is the New Black, and movies like Imagine Me and You and Carol. For books, try reading Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden, or The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson.
4
Come out on your own terms, when you feel ready. Coming out is a big step, and only you can decide if and when it’s right for you. Living openly and honestly can be a huge relief, but it’s OK to keep your sexuality to yourself if you’re worried about being bullied, harassed, or treated differently.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Expert Interview. 1 April 2021.} Take the time to really think about this decision and decide if it’s something you want to do.^{[10]
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- Start by talking to people who you know will support you. This will give you a support system for when you open up to others.
- If you’re not sure how someone will respond, bring up lesbian movies or shows, or talk about general LGBT issues, like the Supreme Court’s decision to allow gay marriage. See whether they seem respectful or against the idea.
- Explain how you feel by saying something like, “I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I’ve realized I’m attracted to other girls.”
- Let them ask questions afterwards.
5
Avoid telling people who seem unsupportive or untrustworthy. You don’t have to talk to every person in your life about your sexuality, and there are some cases when it’s better not to. Follow your gut instincts and don’t feel pressured to tell someone, no matter how close to them you are. It comes down to your comfort and safety. Consider not telling people who:^{[11]
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- Seem homophobic. They might make negative comments about LGBT people or issues in the news, or call people homophobic slurs as insults.
- Threaten to hurt you if they found out you’re a lesbian.
- Support you financially or physically. For example, if you live with your parents and you think they might react badly, you may not want to tell them until you’re able to move out.
- Might really affect you if they react badly. Think about how you’d feel if the person responded negatively. If you don’t think you’d be able to handle it emotionally, consider not telling them for now.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Exploring Relationships

1
Recognize that you might need more time before pursuing a relationship. If you’re just starting to accept your sexuality, you might not be ready for a relationship—and that’s OK. Work to accept your identity first, then start reaching out to others. You’ll be more sure of yourself and ready to connect, which will make those relationships even more rewarding.
- Don’t feel pressured by other people’s experiences or relationships. Only you know when you’re ready to start dating.
2
Connect with people you know or go online if you’re ready to start dating. Dating apps and websites are great resources if you’re not sure how to start meeting other girls. Look for ones that are geared towards or popular with LGBT users. If you’re comfortable with it, you can also ask people you know to help you find dates or people to connect with.^{[12]
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- Talking to friends and family might feel awkward, but they know you better than anyone! They’ll know if a potential date is a good match or not, even better than an app or website.
- Try dating apps and sites like Lesly, Plenty of Fish, and Fem.^{[13]
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3
Get to know the other person before asking them out. Take your time before setting up a date with someone you like. You want to make sure they’re also interested in women, but beyond that, you also want to see if you have a genuine connection. Talk about things she’s passionate about, her dreams and aspirations, and what she like to do in her spare time.^{[14]
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- See if you feel a spark or just enjoy being around her. When you feel ready, see if she’d like to get dinner, see a movie, or do something fun together.
4
Accept your partner’s level of openness with her sexuality. Women that you meet and date might be in different places in their lives than you are, especially when it comes to accepting and being open about their sexuality. You might be able to pick up on this from non-verbal cues, like whether she holds your hand in public, or you might want to have a conversation about it. Be patient and accepting of wherever she’s at.
- You could say something like, “I was wondering if you’re out to your friends and family. I am, but it’s OK if you’re not.”
5
Let intimacy develop naturally. You might be in a rush to be intimate with another woman, a little scared by the idea, or a mixture of both! Try to be patient and calm when it comes to getting physical with a partner—you might not be ready, she might not be ready, or you both might be unsure. Communicate about where you are and what you’re open to, and do what feels natural to both of you.
- If you decide to get intimate, be open about what feels good and ask her what she likes, too.
- Remember to use safe sex practices, like female condoms or dental dams.
6
Remember that dating lesbians is just like entering any other relationship. The essence of a date doesn't change depending on your sexual orientation. Dating is about getting to know someone one-on-one, flirting, and having fun no matter who you are with. If you remember to be polite, learn to listen instead of talk, and try and have fun, you’ll make the date great for both you and your partner.
- You don’t need to change who you are or what you do once you've identified as a lesbian. Be yourself, whether you’re on a date or not.

Expert Q&A

Question

What do I need to do to be a lesbian?

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.

Marissa Floro, PhD

Counseling Psychologist

Expert Answer

You don't need to do anything! If you're a lesbian, you're already doing it right. There are no rules or requirements when it comes to acting out your sexual orientation.
Question

I still feel weird after coming out. When will this go away?

Marissa Floro, PhD
Counseling Psychologist
Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.

Marissa Floro, PhD

Counseling Psychologist

Expert Answer

I think a lot of younger LGBTQ+ folks think that coming out is just going to automatically resolve any strange feelings or confusion you're experiencing. It may take a while for these things to resolve themselves, but trust yourself and be true to who you are. Things will make a lot more sense to you over time.
Question

How do I act like a lesbian?

Community Answer

You don't. Everyone has their own way of "acting"--their own speech patterns, mannerisms, views and opinions, and so on. Simply be yourself, and never try to be someone you're not. People know when someone isn't genuine.