How to Help Your Daughter Deal With Being Raped

Last Updated: May 14, 2021 References

As a parent, supporting your daughter after her rape can be very difficult. Be sure to get her the medical and emotional help that she needs after the assault. As she heals from the ordeal, offer your love and support while still giving her space. To be strong and helpful during this difficult experience, make time to deal with your own emotions.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Getting Medical and Psychological Help

1
Bring your daughter to the hospital if she was raped in the last 72 hours. If your daughter's rape occurred in the last 3 days, bring her to a hospital emergency room immediately. There she will be examined for internal injuries and checked for sexually transmitted illnesses (STIs). Within 72 hours of the rape DNA evidence can be collected to help catch the perpetrator.^{[1]
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- At the hospital, ask if anyone on staff is trained to care for someone whose been raped, such as a forensic nurse examiner (FNE) or sexual assault nurse examiner (SANE).
- Hospital staff will usually notify law enforcement of the crime reported.
- In some states, the window for collecting medical evidence may be longer.
- Even if it is too late to collect DNA evidence, you should bring your daughter to be examined by a doctor to check for injury and STIs.
2
Ask about emergency contraceptives or request a pregnancy test. It is best to address the risk of pregnancy after rape as soon as possible. Ask your daughter's doctor or nurse about emergency contraceptives, which can be given up to 120 hours after sexual intercourse. If more time than that has elapsed since the rape, ask if they can run a pregnancy test.^{[2]
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- A medical professional can discuss your daughter's options with her and treat an unwanted pregnancy, if necessary.
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3
Make an appointment with a therapist for your daughter. Avoiding her feelings about her rape may be harmful in the long run for your daughter. Make an appointment for her to speak with a therapist about her ordeal. She may feel more comfortable opening up to a medical professional who is not emotionally invested in the situation.^{[3]
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- Your daughter's doctor may be able to provide a referral to a therapist who can help.
4
Allow your daughter to make her own decisions about her care. If your daughter is old enough to weigh different options, allow her to choose how she will deal with her attack. Help her compare the different choices she can make without pressuring her to do anything. If she is too young to make choices about her medical or psychological care, do not rush her into anything if she is resistant or distressed.
- For instance, you can talk to your teenage or adult daughter about her options for preventing or terminating pregnancy after her rape without telling her what she should do.
- If you daughter is younger, do not push her to talk to doctors or law enforcement officials about her trauma before she is ready.
5
Help your daughter speak to the authorities if she wishes to. One of the biggest decisions your daughter will have to make after her attack is whether or not she will report her rape to the police. Stay with her if she chooses to discuss the incident with authorities right after it occurs, either at a hospital or your local police department. If she reports the crime retroactively, give her the number of your local police department or bring her to the local precinct to make a report.^{[4]
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- Offer to call for her if she is not comfortable doing so.
- If your daughter wishes to discuss the rape without you there, respect her wishes.
6
Give her the number for a sexual assault hotline. Sexual assault crisis hotlines provide sexual assault victims the opportunity to seek help and advice anonymously. Search online to find any local hotlines operating in your region. Give your daughter the number to use if and when she feels compelled to, without pressure.^{[5]
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- In the U.S., your daughter can call the national sexual assault hotline at (800) 656-HOPE.
7
Suggest a sexual assault support group. Support groups can help rape survivors by making them feel less isolated. Hearing from other survivors may offer a unique sense of relief and understanding. Search online for local groups offering support to sexual assault victims.^{[6]
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- To offer support, bring your daughter to a meeting and wait outside in case she feels uncomfortable and wants to leave.
8
Observe your daughter as she recovers for signs of ongoing trauma. Healing emotionally and physically after rape may take months or years depending on the person and situation. Keep a close eye on your daughter to see if she is recovering from her assault. Consult her doctor if you notice her suffering from symptoms like:^{[7]
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- Depression
- Insomnia
- Eating disturbances
- Social withdrawal
- Hyperactivity
- Self harming

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Offering Support

1
Ask your daughter what she needs instead of making assumptions. Everyone deals with trauma differently and has different coping mechanisms. Ask your daughter how you can help her feel more comfortable and safe after her ordeal. Follow her cues before offering physical comfort like a hug or your hand to hold.
- Some sexual assault victims may avoid physical contact after their attack, while others may need it to feel safe and loved.
- Your daughter may take comfort from her favorite meal, a hot cup of tea, a soothing bath with oils, or other small gestures that you can make to help.
2
Be understanding about your daughter's difficult moods. Surviving an assault can cause a range of emotions that may affect your daughter's behaviour. Be calm and understanding if your daughter has mood swings, outbursts, or negative reactions. Your acceptance during this difficult time will eventually help to curb these responses.^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
Largest anti-sexual assault organization in the US providing support and advocacy for survivors
Go to source}
- For instance, if your daughter is confrontational with her siblings and wishes to skip family gatherings, allow her to do so while she deals with her trauma.
- Your daughter may also want to spend more time alone or with a particular person, such as a special friend or her mother.
3
Let your daughter know that you believe her unquestioningly. A fear of not being believed can keep sexual assault survivors from sharing their stories with loved ones. Once your daughter opens up about her rape, let her know that you believe her entirely. This sense of validation may provide her with some peace while she is recovering.^{[9]
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- Say something like, "I know that you are really hurting over the rape and I am here for you."
- Only directly acknowledge that she is telling the truth if someone has expressed doubts about her account of the events. Otherwise, the implication that someone may doubt her could upset her.
4
Let your daughter know that you are there to listen. It can be difficult to give your daughter the space she needs while letting her know you're there for her. Tell her that she can talk to you anytime that she needs to. Let her know that you love her and are available to help her in any way she needs you to.^{[10]
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Trustworthy Source
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
Largest anti-sexual assault organization in the US providing support and advocacy for survivors
Go to source}
- For instance, you can say, "I won't push you to open up but I am always here for you if you want to talk."
- Offering the option of help without pushing her to open up will help your daughter feel supported without feeling overwhelmed.
5
Don't put a timeline on your daughter's healing. There is no accepted amount of time for recovering from sexual assault. Don't assume that your daughter should be over her attack months or even years after it first occurs. Let your daughter get better at her own pace without putting pressure on her to get back to her old self.
- Never ask your daughter if she is over her attack yet, which may cause her to feel shame.
- Don't tell your daughter about the progress of other sexual assault victims, which may make her doubt her own journey to healing.
6
Get to know your daughter's triggers to avoid them when possible. Observe your daughter's behaviour and moods to see if certain things make her upset. Certain images, music, social situations, or movements may cause her distress by reminding her of her attack. Do you best to avoid these triggers in your own actions or in your home environment.
- For instance, playful wrestling or aggressive hugs may make your daughter anxious.
- Avoid playing movies or television shows with sexual assault as a theme. Let her know that she can and should immediately turn off anything that upsets her. This will help her avoid second-hand trauma.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Controlling Your Own Emotions

1
Acknowledge and accept your negative emotions. While strong emotions can be harmful to you and your family, you shouldn't blame yourself for having them. It is absolutely normal for you to feel angry and sad that your child has been assaulted. Vocalize these feelings to friends and family who you trust to help overcome them.^{[11]
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- Writing in a journal may help you sort out these emotions.
2
Make an appointment with a psychotherapist to deal with the issue. Psychotherapy is recommended for individuals dealing with a specific issue or stressor. Make an appointment with a local psychotherapist to discuss your daughter's rape and your feelings about it. If the session is helpful, book weekly meetings to continue working through the issue.^{[12]
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- Talking to a therapist will allow you to sort out your feelings and be more supportive to your daughter.
- If your daughter is not already seeing a therapist, ask her to attend one of your appointments with you so that she can see how it may benefit her.
3
Practice self-care to be your best self. After your daughter suffers a trauma it may be difficult to focus on your own well-being. Take time to help yourself relax and re-energize, which will help you be strong for your daughter. Try self-care activities like:

Supportive Things to Say to Your Daughter

Conversation with Daughter Who Was Raped

Ways to Approach Daughter Who Has Been Raped

Offering Support to Daughter Who Has Been Raped

Expert Q&A

Question

How do I help my daughter if she doesn't live with me?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

If your daughter has already moved out, you can stay in close contact with her via phone calls, texting, FaceTime, or Skype. Start by listening to her. Remind your daughter that you love her and are there for her. You can also send her small care packages with things like bath oils/salts, supportive cards, lunch or dinner gift certificates, etc.
Question

My daughter got raped at 11-years-old, and she just told me. She is now 27-years-old. I can't stop crying and feel overwhelmed. I know she is an amazing woman, but I'm having a hard time of it. Can you help me?

Klare Heston, LCSW
Licensed Social Worker
Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR).

Klare Heston, LCSW

Licensed Social Worker

Expert Answer

Many incidences of sexual assault only come to light in adulthood. First, be grateful that she has shared with you. Usually, the memory is triggered by something, and the adult woman shares her experience. Do a lot of listening and supporting, even if it's long distance. For your own pain, you might consider seeing a counselor.