How to Help Someone Who Is Dealing with the Suicide of a Loved One

Co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Last Updated: November 30, 2021 References Approved

Trying to help someone deal with a death is awkward and difficult and suicide is a million times worse matter. People who have lost loved ones not due to ordinary death, but something as painful and awful as suicide, don't just have grief weighing on their shoulders - they are experiencing anger, guilt, confusion, shock, horror and trauma that goes beyond the "normal" after emotions of a death. They may not have known that their loved one was unhappy; they may be angry for being left behind; they may feel guilty and hate themselves for not being able to prevent it. The victims of suicide are not just limited to the people who died by it - suicide leaves a lifelong mark on all those who witnessed it.^{[1]
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Although that is a painful position to be in, someone who is trying to help somebody who has lost their loved one in this horrible way. Every person's emotions and reactions are different, which is exactly what makes it so hard to comfort them. Should you talk it through with them, or try to take it off their mind? Should you reassure them, or try to avoid the subject? Should you let them cry, or try to make them heal? Helping someone who has lost a loved one through suicide is not only awkward and difficult like natural death, but also confusing, and at times, painful. However, it is not impossible. Here are the basic ways to support someone trying to cope with the suicide of a friend, family member or generally a loved one.

Steps

1
Keep quiet. If you are with someone who is grieving and don't know what to say, then don't say anything. Don't feel obliged to speak—instead, focus on being a good listener.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Expert Interview. 29 November 2021.} Sitting there in silence may feel very awkward to you, but some of the greatest help you can offer is simply to sit next to your friend, put your arm around their shoulders and let them cry in silence. Your presence next to that person says the one thing that is most needed in those moments and says it more eloquently than you ever could in words. It says, "I love you and you are not alone!"^{[3]
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American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Health organization devoted to saving lives and helping those affected by suicide.
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- Try to balance giving the person space with letting them know you're there for them.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 29 November 2021.}
2
Allow the bereaved to say anything...or nothing at all. At various points in the process, your friend will likely want to scream at someone. Who that "someone" will be changes from moment to moment. They may want to yell at God for not keeping the suicide from happening, at the deceased loved one for not calling for help, at anyone and everyone who had ever failed the deceased, including themselves. They may want to say things that are absolutely crazy. In those moments, it is essential for them to have friends and family who will allow them to say these things without judgement advice or correction. If the person who is grieving says something hurtful or incorrect or just plain stupid, don't use it as an opportunity to show off your counselling skills. A simple statement such as this will be much more helpful: "I love you. I know you are hurt beyond what I could ever understand; but know that I'm here for you any time you need me and for as long as you need me. And, I truly believe you are going to get through this." The person probably knows that what they are saying is irrational (and is likely feeling guilty about it), so unconditional acceptance and love at that moment is powerful.^{[5]
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3
Keep your phone on. A person who has lost someone due to suicide will very likely find that their sleep has been stolen from them. They will wake up in the middle of the night - if they were lucky enough to fall asleep in the first place - and the loneliness and sorrow will sometimes be overwhelming. During the first few weeks, it is essential that the person has someone to call any time, day or night. They may feel awkward or say they won't do it, but they may very well find themselves needing a listening ear at three in the morning and you can graciously sit and talk to them for as long as they need you. Physical darkness can enhance the darkness someone feels inside; having someone to talk them through the night can help a grief-stricken survivor get through until the sunrise reminds them that there is still hope.
4
Do things that show you are thinking rather than just reacting. When there is a death, social custom causes the bereaved to be drowned in flowers, calls of sympathy and letters in the mail. These things are essential and appreciated. However, with all the emotional trauma being dealt with, most of those things will be just a blur to the person. Months later, they probably could not tell you who specifically sent a card or flowers or called in the days immediately after the suicide. What they will remember, though, is the friend who does something that shows real thoughtfulness beyond social duty. These will be specific to each individual circumstance, but the tips section below gives some examples of things that have helped others in the same situation.
- Try sending over a meal, offering to pick up their kids from school, or sending a text to let the person know you're thinking of them. You could even just invite them over to hang out so they can get out of the house.^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 29 November 2021.}
- Don't push if your friend says no. Everybody grieves differently, and it's important to respect their wishes.^{[7]
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  Expert Source
  
  Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
  Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
  Expert Interview. 29 November 2021.}
5
Remember the difficult dates. From the day of the suicide until the wake, funeral, and burial are complete (i.e. - the first week or two), the survivor will be surrounded by well-wishers. However, that crowd quickly dissipates after the "official" social processes have been completed, leaving the griever alone long before the pain has gone away. One way you can remind that person that they are not alone is by remembering the tough dates. The "month-markers" are the first that come to mind in a suicide. If the loved one died on the 10th of October, your friend will undoubtedly face particularly-difficult days on the 10 of November, the 10th of December, the 10th of January and so forth. The first 6 months to a year are especially rough to get through (perhaps longer for some), and a call or a note on those month marks will do more than you can imagine to communicate to the person that you truly care for. Other dates that are difficult include the deceased person's birthday, any special days they shared (for example, if it's a partner or spouse that has passed away, the date of their anniversary or first date) and special holidays. The greater the joy previously associated with a date, the greater is the potential for sorrow now.
6
Know that you don't have to be a superhero. By realizing that you don't have to fix everything, you can be the "first responder" who helps your friend get through the most critical time in those days following the worst day of their life. Keeping these suggestions in mind will set you miles apart from many who will be kind, but not really infuse hope to a person who probably feels like there is no reason even to look to the future^{[8]
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Expert Q&A

Question

How do you comfort someone who just lost a loved one?

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP
Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor
Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP

Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor

Expert Answer

It’s difficult to say the right or wrong way to comfort a loved one who is grieving a death by suicide. It is usually a very sudden and an extremely devastating event for family members of the deceased. The best thing you can do is to give the person space and let them know that you are available for whatever they need.

Warnings

The person may lash out at you, more than once. They may feel that you "just can't understand", "don't get it", or simply are too angry and scared to be rational and clear at this moment in time, as previously stated. Remember that they are not in a frame of mind where you should take their words to heart. If they want space and time alone, then be sure to respect that. But if they seem resentful, bitter, angry or even hateful towards you, don't take it as you normally would. After all, these are not normal circumstances.

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Don't assume that you know what "recovery" will look like. Realize that your friend will never be the same person you knew before. They have been permanently changed by this tragedy. This is not necessarily an entirely-bad thing, but they may very well approach life with a bit more somberness or deal with "blue" moods more than they did before.

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Patterns of grieving may be quite different from one culture to the next. If the bereaved person is of a different culture than your own, behavior and emotions that may seem unusual or exaggerated to you may be a normal and expected reaction for them.

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Don't assume a "proper" time frame for grieving. Each person's grief process is unique. Most suicide survivors will tell you that it takes a minimum of 1-2 years for any sense of routine or "normalcy" to return to a life. Determine from the start that you will be there for your friend as often as they need you, for as long as they need you; and remind them of that fact often!

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Be very cautious about offering advice, particularly during the early weeks. Surviving the loss of a loved one to suicide is a very long process that will take months and years, not days and weeks. In the initial weeks of trauma, the survivor's ability to receive advice or criticism will be severely diminished. If you feel compelled to offer advice, probably the best advice you can give is very gently to encourage the person to talk to a professional therapist or religious adviser who has had training and experience in helping those in similar circumstances. But even then, don't force it! Always be positive and encouraging, never critical.

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Don't hesitate to recommend that your friend seek the professional assistance of a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist -- particularly if there are symptoms which are not characteristic of a "normal" grief reaction. These include:^{[9]
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- Guilt about things other than actions taken or not taken by the survivor at the time the death.
- Thoughts of suicide.
- Morbid preoccupation with worthlessness.
- Prolonged and marked inability to get on with one's daily activities.
- Hallucinatory experiences other than thinking that one hears the voice of, or transiently sees the image of, the deceased person.
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