How to Handle a Jealous Sibling

Co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Last Updated: March 5, 2023 References

Because people compare themselves to those around them, it’s normal for feelings of jealousy to arise. This is amplified for siblings, who see each other’s successes and strengths every day. If you are having problems because of envy a brother or sister is feeling towards you, then it's time for you to take the first step to handle that jealousy by approaching them proactively.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, registered dietitian, and fitness expert, Supatra Tovar, owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Check out the full interview here.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Talking with Your Sibling

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Analyze their words and actions. See what subject they focus on when they talk about you. It can be a certain object, event, or a particular skill you have. It’s important that you look for information on why the sibling is jealous so that you know how to proceed.^{[1]
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- If they say things like, "You're always better at everything..." or, "Of course that's easy for you to do..." then your sibling may be envious of your skills and abilities.
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Approach your sibling in a sincere way. Once you know the cause of their jealousy, it's time for you to approach them and try to sort things out. Letting their jealousy build will only deteriorate your relationship with them further, and it’s okay to let them know this.^{[2]
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- Don’t feel guilty. Just because they’re jealous of you, it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.^{[3]
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- When you speak, practice kindness. Remember they are doing this because they want to follow your lead and be a part of your world. Being kind and speaking to them with respect shows them they should do the same for you.
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Tell your sibling why jealousy won’t help them succeed. However, don't point fingers or blame them. Simply make it clear why there is plenty to go around, why their own talents will soon shine, and how you admire certain things about them.^{[4]
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- Try not to infuriate your sibling more. If you start explaining things and you see that it’s making them very upset, stop or else they might not listen to you anymore.
- Do not blame, judge, or conclude that you're right and the sibling is not. This just makes things worse. Instead, focus on changing the behavior and moving forward positively.
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Talk about your insecurities in a relatable and approachable way. Let your jealous sibling know you have weaknesses too. Don’t be blatant about it; rather, occasionally bring up an embarrassing story or situation that shows them that you’re not perfect. This will show them you are a fallible human, too.^{[5]
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- For example, say something like, "Even though I studied hard for a test today, I bombed it pretty bad. We all have our rough days."
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Bring up their skills and achievements. Don’t talk about your strengths when you’re near them. This will only make them feel more inadequate and will fuel their jealousy toward you. Focus on building them up and helping them see how cool their own set of talents is. That way, you can help them build a habit of positive thinking.^{[6]
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Research source} Ask them questions about their life and encourage them in whatever they’re putting their mind to on a daily basis.
- Saying something like, "Great job in today's game, you really helped your team hold it together!" can really motivate them.
- Show interest in them and remember that your sibling is unique and great!

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Reconciling the Relationship

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Find a hobby for your sibling. If they aren’t involved in anything that takes up much of their time, brainstorm with them to try to discover something they would enjoy doing. Not only will this activity build their confidence, it will distract them from their jealousy of you. ^{[7]
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Share the things you have with them. Doing so will take the wind out of their sails and remove the source of the conflict. They may also discover it wasn't worth being so mean over if that’s what they were jealous about in the first place. If it’s something you can both use, like a video game system or some makeup, spend some quality with them over it.
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Affirm your sibling of their self-worth. Make them realize they don’t have to be jealous because they also have amazing qualities that make them a worthwhile person.^{[8]
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Research source} Go to events they’re a part of and show your support. Maybe one of the reasons they’re feeling envious is because no one cares about what they’re doing.
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Try to distract your jealous sibling so that the whole matter can blow over. Sometimes they’ll get very emotional and it won’t help to try to walk them through their feelings. If you can find a fun pastime the two of you can do after you've dealt with the problem, it'll help restore your sibling's sense of pride. Try to find something you both enjoy so you can create some new memories that’ll override the old ones.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Navigating Toxic Relationships

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Ignore your sibling for a time if things fail to improve. Their outbursts may be a way to try to get your attention. Every response from you makes them want to see how much you can handle. Even if they start singing a really annoying song, pretend you don't hear them. They will soon stop. Show them that you’re willing to communicate with them but that you won’t engage if they’re using destructive means.^{[9]
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- Ask your parents that your sibling be held accountable for their behavior, just as you are accountable for yours. This may include instituting rules for bad behavior following an outbreak of jealousy.
- Take deep breaths. Try not to take it personally and realize they are acting out because they have some unmet need.
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Resist bullying. If your sibling has gotten to the point where they’re so embittered with your success that they’re willing to harm you, get help. Don’t put up with it. Get assistance from an adult. You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone.^{[10]
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Get out of your sibling's reach permanently if they’re damaging you emotionally. While they are a valuable person, so are you. If they have decided to ignore your well being because of their jealousy, then you need to separate from them so that you can recover.^{[11]
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- If you are under the age of eighteen, you will have to find ways of coping with them under the same roof until you are old enough to move out. Going to counseling is a productive way of dealing with emotional stress.
- If they constantly annoy you, walk away. If they come after you, go in the bathroom and lock the door until the situation blows over.

Warnings

For parents: Don't pit your children against one another. Also, don't support one side over the other. Find fair outcomes for everyone.

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Sometimes if the sibling is younger, the parents will take pity on them and act as if your argument is invalid.

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Sometimes, the younger sibling is telling the truth and the older sibling gets away with being bad because their parents get tired with their temper tantrums.

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Be honest at all times. Don't tell a lie, because if you do, your sibling may have the justification for calling you out on things being unfair.

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Don't tease the jealous sibling. It will only worsen the problem.

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