How to Get a Player to Commit

Co-authored by John Keegan

Last Updated: March 24, 2023 References

Sometimes, you meet a really great guy, but there is something just a bit off about his behavior. Then you realize you are being played. If, and only if, you are sure you really like this guy, you can take the plunge. Now, this doesn't always work, but it's not impossible to get a player to commit.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Spotting a Player

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Watch his eyes. A player’s eyes are constantly on the move. Almost everyone admires and appreciates beautiful people from time to time. However, a player’s eyes will move from one woman to the next. Essentially, he is rating, ranking, and judging how he could play each and every woman he looks at.^{[1]
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Note how he communicates. Does he frequently not respond to your texts or calls for big gaps of time, only to respond much later? Does his phone go off consistently, but he never answers it when he’s with you? Chances are you are dealing with a player. If you know he works all day during the week, but has nights and weekends off, then he shouldn’t be hard to get in touch with at these times. If he is, he is probably with another woman.^{[2]
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3
Look for sweet talk. There is nothing wrong with a man treating you well and being romantic with you. However, if from the very outset of your relationship, the guy is constantly calling you baby and talking sweet to you, he is probably trying to get your guard down because he sees you as yet another conquest.^{[3]
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Note his responses to questions. If the answer to every question you ask is “maybe” instead of a solid “yes” or “no” response, you’re probably getting played. Men who don’t want to commit to anything are probably doing so because they are waiting to come up with a plan to juggle you with their other women.^{[4]
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Get to know his “friends”. Is the guy you’re dating constantly talking about his pals, friends, or his boys, but you’ve never met any of them? That is a good sign you are being played. You want to meet his so-called friends and get to know them. If you can’t, all that time he claims to be spending with his friends is probably spent with other women.^{[5]
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Monitor your shared activities. If you spend all your time together in private and never go out as a couple, that is a bad sign. A man who actively seeks to stay in with a woman is often doing so to avoid running into another woman he is supposed to be committed to. If you spend most or all of your time together at home and rarely go out, this could be the reason why.^{[6]
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Watch online communication. Is your guy on Facebook, twitter, or other social media platforms, but has not yet friended you or connected with you on the web? Chances are that he is trying to avoid connecting with you online because he doesn’t want you to see what he is up to and does not want to have to publicly acknowledge your relationship.^{[7]
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Part 2

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Toying With Him

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Avoid answering his calls or texts. The first step you will want to take is to actively ignore his phone calls and text messages for a period of time. Wait until he gets upset or agitated or demands to know why you stopped talking to him. When he asks, pretend you didn’t even realize you were ignoring him. Be apologetic, but sound kind of insincere about it, like, “Whoops. Sorry.”^{[8]
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Answer his calls and texts tersely. After you avoided his communication for a while, start answering him again, but give brief, non-committed answers and comments. He might text you “How are you feeling today baby?” You should respond with “Fine.” If he gets a sense that you aren’t really interested in him and don’t care about him, he will want you even more.^{[9]
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Withhold affection. If he wants to sleep with you, kiss you, etc., say, "Um, why? You're not my boyfriend." This will make him realize that he needs to make a real commitment to get you to do the things he enjoys doing with you.
4
Act very cool and controlled. If the player is obvious about dating/sleeping with other girls, then act like you don't care at all. A lot of players enjoy the act of inspiring jealously in the women they are with from time to time. Don’t give him this satisfaction.^{[10]
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Lead him on. Make plans with him from time to time, then back out or cancel. You may even want to avoid calling him or informing him that you won’t be making it. When he asks why you backed out or left him hanging, be vague. Don’t tell him anything specific and make it seem like you are trying to hide something- even when you aren’t. Say things like “Something came up” or “I had some personal stuff to take care of.” His desire to get to the bottom of it might drive him right into your arms.^{[11]
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Use his needs to your advantage. You’re player will likely get very, very confused. He won't understand why he’s not your number one priority anymore. Humans want what they can't have. By making yourself unavailable, he will want you more and will think about you more often.^{[12]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Making Him Jealous

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Spend more time with other men. Even if your relationship with these guys is entirely platonic, go out with them often. Don’t forget to publicize it as much as possible. Post status updates and pictures with them to your social media pages.^{[13]
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- Make sure you openly flirt with these other guys. Try to do it in the most visible places possible too. Communicate with them through Facebook and other online platforms.
- You may even want to flirt with another guy, laugh at some dude’s jokes, or let some other man buy you a drink right in front of your player. This will make his blood boil.^{[14]
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2
Talk about other guys more often. Discuss your ex-boyfriends, guys at work, dudes you met at the bar. You want him to realize that he is not your only option. This should light a fire under him and make him want to work a little harder to win you back.^{[15]
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- Try only using the first names of these other guys. It makes your relationships with them seem more serious.^{[16]
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3
Set up fake scenarios. Once you have made him realize he is not the only option, you need to really give your player a scare. Wait until he asks you to do something, then decline and say you can’t because you have plans with another guy. Don’t make it seem as if you are definitely going to sleep with this other guy, but let him infer this. Say, “Oh, I can’t make plans with you this weekend. That cute guy at work wanted to go out for drinks sometime this weekend.” The fact that you are choosing someone else over him should be the final push he needs to drop those other women.^{[17]
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- If he challenges you or asks why you are seeing other men, calmly remind him of the other ladies in his life. Try to repeat some line that he gave to you at some point. If he said, “I just have a lot of female friends. What’s wrong with that?” at some point, repeat this back to him if he questions why you are hanging out with other guys.^{[18]
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4
Be patient. By this time, if you are doing it right, they will have basically dropped other girls and are only thinking about you. They might even think they're in love with you. Keep acting unavailable, but slowly move back into their life a little more. Don't go for other guys, but don't ignore them either. It's not time yet to come bouncing back.^{[19]
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5
Open back up. When you are sure the player has realized he really likes you - more than other girls- you can let your guard down a little and commit. However, since the guy has formerly been a player, you still need to play a bit of a bouncing game- kind of like a rubber band. Sometimes act like you're in love, sometimes don't.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you manage expectations in a new relationship?

Kate Dreyfus
Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer
Kate Dreyfus is a dedicated Holistic Love Coach, Holistic Empowerment Coach, Heart-Centered Expert, Intuitive Healer, Workshop Facilitator, and Owner of Evolve & Empower. She has more than ten years of experience supporting her clients successfully entering exclusive, romantic relationships within the USA, the United Kingdom, Canada, and Europe. Kate is devoted to helping others through personal growth and transformation, success in dating and romance, and healing and rebuilding after a breakup. She is also a member of The Biofield Institute, the Healing Touch Professional Association, and the Energy Medicine Professional Association. Kate holds a BA in Psychology from San Francisco State University.

Kate Dreyfus

Holistic Love Coach & Intuitive Healer

Expert Answer

First and foremost, it is important that you are intentional and mindful about what you want to get out of your dating experience to support your success. If you are looking for an exclusive relationship with a player, you may not want to waste your time. Move beyond the looks, charm, and compliments that typically go hand-to-hand with the player persona and focus on digging deeper by getting to know their core values, and how they treat you and other people.

Warnings

It might not work. If the player is simply not interested in you or does not like you, then STOP. You guys just aren't right for each other.

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When acting unavailable, don't be mean or rude in any way. This may give him the wrong idea. Just be aloof and non-committal.

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