How to Tell if a Guy Is Playing With Your Feelings

Co-authored by Joshua Pompey

Last Updated: October 27, 2022 References Approved

If a guy is playing with your feelings, you are emotionally involved with him, but he is not emotionally involved with you. In this situation, he doesn’t want the same thing you want out of the relationship, but he is not honest about his intentions and instead is stringing you on. This kind of guy is either an opportunist who noticed you liked him, or he is someone who may have multiple girls that he is stringing on. When you are in this kind of situation, there are lots of signs that he is not that into you, but when you are emotionally involved with someone, it is hard to be clear headed and consistent. In addition, these guys can be very good at convincing you they like you when they want you. So check out these signs to see if you are with someone who is playing with your feelings and discover what you can do about it.

Things You Should Know

Look for mixed signals. For example, if he skips the affection and goes straight to sex every time, he might be toying with your feelings.
Consider the progress of your relationship. If the relationship is stalled in the early stages and you can't seem to move it forward, he may be playing you.
Evaluate how emotionally available he is and if he seems attached to you. If the emotional connection is spotty, he may be manipulating you.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Looking For Mixed Signals

1
Pay attention to how he is affectionate with you. Typically if a guy is playing you, he will become very affectionate or physical when he wants to have sex with you. At that point, he probably goes from 0-60 pretty quickly. But up to that point, he was probably not very affectionate. He would not have seemed interested in holding your hand. He didn’t put his arm around because he wanted to. And he didn’t gaze into your eyes when you were just hanging out the two of you without the possibility of sex. Also, he isn’t affectionate with you around his friends or family.
- Some exceptions to this could be on the first dates or if you are somewhere exciting or new or out of town. These guys might have been very affectionate at the beginning or might become affectionate occasionally when they are having a lot of fun.
- Some guys will use affection at every chance they get because that is their personality. These guys typically have upbeat personalities and are extroverted.
2
Notice how much he pays attention to you. If he often seems to be absorbed in something else like his phone, games, or his friends while you hang out, he might not be truly interested in you.^{[1]
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Research source} Or if he seems to be slightly bored or uninterested in the things you say, he is probably not invested in the relationship. Or it could also be the opposite. He might pay you a ton of attention while you are together but this only happens when it is convenient for him to see you. Also, something might feel weird or unnatural to you about the attention that he gives you.
- Does he seem to remember the things that you say? If he likes you, he probably recalls the things you have told him easily. If he isn’t into you, he may not remember the things you tell him.
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3
Compare this guy to a guy who has really liked you in the past. It can be helpful to think about guys in the past who have been really into you and compare his behavior to the guy you think might be playing with your feelings. Some examples of what guys are like if they really like you are if a guy is clearly excited to be around you, or he might be shy when you talk. He would make a lot of eye contact or less eye contact than normal, and he would hang around you longer than necessary. If a guy likes you, he seems interested in talking to you more than other people, and he asks about what you are doing and tries to see you again. He might seem nervous and forget things around you. For example, if you are talking about music and he forgets the name of his favorite band, this is a guy who is interested in you.
- If the guy you are seeing now doesn’t seem very into you, you might be with someone who is using you.
4
Think about whether he seems emotionally attached to you. If you are being played, the guy may seem really excited about texting you one day and pretty aloof for the next few days after that. He will seem to be able to turn his feelings for you off and on without a problem. On the other hand, if you are seeing someone who is interested in you, his emotions are in the game. He will care about what is going on with you and will become upset when you are upset. He will want you to like him, and he will seem excited when you show your feelings for him and upset if he doesn’t think you like him.
5
Talk to other people about the situation. Other people are great indicators of what is going on because they can give you a fresh and outside perspective of the situation. Tell your friends what is going on and ask them if it seems like he is into you. You can analyze a lot of parts of your relationship, but what you should mainly ask is: “Does he seem into me?”. That is the heart of the situation. If they don’t seem to think he is into you, he probably isn’t you the way you are into him.
- Tell your friends the stripped down, bullet point version of what has happened and use concrete examples of things he has said or done. For example, you could say “We have hung out for the past 5 weeks, and he usually hangs out with me about every 10 days. We have never hung out on a weekend, and I have not met his friends. He seems to hang out with them all of the time but never says exactly what they are doing and doesn’t invite me. When we do go out, he doesn’t hold my hand or seem affectionate until the end of the night.”
6
Think about whether he is honest with you. There may be guys who are not interested in you the same way you are interested in them, and that is okay- it happens to everyone. Unrequited love is hard to deal with, but that isn’t playing with your feelings, necessarily, even if your feelings get hurt. The difference between someone who just isn’t interested in you and someone who is playing you is whether he is transparent about his feelings and intentions. If you feel like he has been honest about who he is, about his motivations, and the about other people he is seeing, then you should treat him well, but distance yourself from him if you feel more for him than he feels for you.
- On the other hand, a guy who is playing you is secretive, purposefully vague and tries to keep your attention by playing games. These guys don’t want you to be a real part of their lives, but might hint at having you become a bigger part of his life in the future to string you along. However, he has never comes through and invites you to meet his friends or family.
- If it seems like he is seeing other people and he has never told you that but seems to hint (or say) that you are the only girl he sees, he is probably playing you.
- You might notice that he is on dating websites or that he gets really ambiguous when talking about the things he does or the people he sees. ^{[2]
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  Research source}

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Noticing Patterns

1
Chart how much progress your relationship has made. Get out your calendar and look at how long it has been since you started to see each other. If it has been longer than a month and you still haven’t met his friends, and he seems either really relaxed or aloof about your relationship, he may not be in the relationship for the same reasons you are. For example, he isn’t asking to see you more, talking about doing things with you in the future, or telling you about his feelings for you. Or he may tell you he likes you, but this doesn’t seem to follow with many of the other signs that he is playing with you.
2
Notice when he is and isn’t available to see you.^{[3]
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Research source} This is a big indicator of how interested he is in the relationship. If this is just about sex or ego for him, he may only want to see you late at night or when it is convenient for him. He might cancel on you often, push off dates, or seem unsure when he is free next. Try to keep track of how many times he has pushed a date off with you or has said he's busy. Most likely you already know there is a pattern, but it is a good idea to see it on paper so that the facts of the situation sink in more.
3
Evaluate the way you have been feeling and acting over time. If you have been consistently worrying about what is going on, fretting about whether he likes you or not, and feeling going back and forth between really liking him and really not trusting him, there might be something wrong in your relationship with this guy. If after hanging out you consistently feel unstable, insecure, or confused about his feelings, you may be interested in someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you that you feel about him. ^{[4]
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Research source}
- People who are infatuated may also feel a lot of up and down emotions, but if you feel like you are going through all of your emotions alone, you probably haven’t found someone who wants to be with you.
- If you have had trust issues in the past, are the kind of person who is suspicious in most relationships that you are in, or have problems with persistent insecurity, talk to your friends and ask them what they think. Your friends know you the best and will be able to help you find out if the problem is with you or with him.
4
Go with your gut. ^{[5]
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Research source} Your intuition about these things is usually going to be right if you have gone through the same patterns and feelings several times in your interactions with this guy. Sometimes your mind can rationalize his behaviors to make them make sense because you want to believe that everything is good between you. If you ask yourself “What is my gut telling me?” and your answer is something like “Not good”, you may need to get out of the relationship before you get more involved.

EXPERT TIP

Joshua Pompey
Relationship Expert
Joshua Pompey is a Relationship Expert with over 10 years of helping people navigate the online dating world. Joshua has run his own relationship consulting business since 2009 at a success rate of over 99%. His work has been featured in CNBC, Good Morning America, Wired, and Refinery29 and he has been referred to as the best online dater in the world.

Joshua Pompey
Relationship Expert

Our Expert Agrees: A lot of times, your instinct will tell you when someone isn't interested. Unfortunately, it's very tempting to build the story the way you want it to be. For instance, you might rationalize that behavior or convince yourself that you're misinterpreting things. However, it's often as simple as it seems—they're just not interested, and you need to listen to that voice that's telling you what's really going on.
5
Think about who has reached out more. Consider who has been the person to initiate getting together. If that person is usually you and you are also the first person to text or call, you may be with someone who isn’t interested in the same thing that you want. Look back over your texting conversations and see who texts more frequently, whose texts are longer, and who starts/ends the conversation to see who seems to be more interested in talking.
- If you are reaching out more in the relationship but he seems to be is really into you in almost every other way, you may be with someone who simply isn’t good about phone communication. However, that is less of a possibility now that most people are very connected to and good with keeping in contact with their phones.
- He may say that he isn’t good with his phone but you notice the opposite when he is with you.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Responding to Him

1
Don’t act like you believe him. If you are getting to a point where you notice that he lies to you about seeing other girls, isn’t straight with you about his true feelings for you, or keeps making excuses for why he is busy, don’t continue to act like you believe him. You should stop the game, and have a talk with him. Make a plan to talk to him, and think about what you want to say before the situation arises. For example, if you think he will probably end up canceling a date with you at the last moment, think about your response in advance. Then when he calls and makes the excuse that “Something came up” respond to him by simply saying “Okay, we need to talk soon.”
- Sometimes guys who are players are attracted to girls who don’t put up with their games. Be prepared for this, and if he seems more interested in you than before, don’t give into his manipulation. You don’t want to be with someone who likes you just because you call him out on his lies.
- Your response shouldn’t turn into a guilt trip or a fight. Don’t try to make him feel guilty because you won’t be able to change him by calling him out or fighting. Remember that the only person you can control is yourself.
- If you are pretty sure that you will crumble if you argue with him, think about how you can distance yourself from him indirectly and quietly. The most important thing is to get out of the situation as soon as possible
2
Tell him you don’t want to see him anymore. It is tempting to call out the guy you like when you feel like your emotions are being played with. But if you are dealing with a guy who has been lying to you about his intentions already, you shouldn’t ask him about his intentions because he will most likely lie to you about how he feels again when put on the spot. Instead, you should tell him where you are with the relationship and why you want to leave.
- For example, you could say something like, “I’ve noticed that I am more into this relationship than you are, and I want to stop seeing each other because I realize I need more.” Depending on how close you were, you can tell him you want out of the relationship over the phone, in a text, in an email message, or in person.
- If you are talking to him in person, find a time and place to talk to him in the middle of the day and when you are both alert and clear headed. Ask him if he has time for a conversation and find a table or chairs in a shared space to talk. Don’t try to talk to him about the relationship after a fight or at the end of the night.
- An email message can be a good option if you want to clearly explain how you feel, or you don’t think that your relationship was serious enough for an in person break up.
3
Be honest and straightforward. If he asks you why you want to stop seeing him, tell him that you don’t feel like he has been honest with you, and you feel like you have different feelings than he does about the relationship. Tell him what you feel, and be specific about what he has done that makes you feel the way you do using “I Statements”.
- Avoid saying things like, “You make me feel insecure.” because that is accusing. Instead, be more specific and using your “I statement” you can say something like, “When you didn’t text me back for a couple of days after we hooked up, I felt insecure because it seemed like you only wanted to hang out with me to hook up with me.”
- Be careful not to try to read his mind. Don’t accuse him of being with other girls if you don’t know that for sure, and don’t accuse him of purposefully neglecting you because you can’t read his mind. Additionally, these kinds of accusations will start fights, and it will be harder for you to make a clean break.
- Try to be matter of fact in your tone of voice and mature in what you say.
4
Be prepared to end the conversation. Don’t let your conversation devolve into arguing or reminiscing about the good times because this kind of conversation could make you susceptible to falling back into being with him. Once you have said your piece and he has responded to you, you should leave the conversation. If you think that he is a good person in certain ways, or you like the way he was there for you at any point, you can say that, and end the conversation on a positive note. You can say something like “I enjoyed our time together, but I have to go.” Or if you feel hurt by him, you can say, “I feel hurt by the way things turned out in our relationship, and I need to move on.”
- If you do fall back into hooking up with him again after you have broken up, don’t give up or let that stop you from trying again. It takes a lot of work and courage to end relationships with a guy you have feelings for. Pick yourself up and try again.

Expert Q&A

Question

How do you know if a guy is playing mind games?

Joshua Pompey
Relationship Expert
Joshua Pompey is a Relationship Expert with over 10 years of helping people navigate the online dating world. Joshua has run his own relationship consulting business since 2009 at a success rate of over 99%. His work has been featured in CNBC, Good Morning America, Wired, and Refinery29 and he has been referred to as the best online dater in the world.

Joshua Pompey

Relationship Expert

Expert Answer

Often it's fairly obvious and all the signs are there. He may be disappearing for days, not really committing to things, always making plans at the last second, not really getting emotionally intimate after a series of dates have gone by, talking about sex more often than things that are less sexual, or turning the conversation sexual more often.