How to Get Your Parents to Stop Spanking You

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: February 14, 2023 References

Many parents feel spanking is an appropriate form of punishment. However, spanking can cause a lot of stress, especially if you're getting older. If you want your parents to stop spanking you, have a conversation. Let your parents know why you dislike being spanked, and offer ideas for alternative forms of punishment. You can also try to avoid getting in trouble by staying on top of your chores and schoolwork and handling emotions like anger in an appropriate manner.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Talking to Your Parents about Spanking

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Figure out what you want from the conversation. You should go into the conversation with a potential outcome in mind. Think about what solution or compromise you're looking to get out of this conversation. You should also identify your personal feelings about the conversation.^{[1]
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- Figure out how you feel. You may feel nervous about talking to your parents about spanking. You may worry they'll feel they're being insulted or otherwise disrespected. It's okay to acknowledge you're nervous, but try not to let feelings of apprehension inhibit your ability to have the conversation.
- Think about what you want from the conversation. You obviously want your parents to understand why you feel the way you do, so it can help to write out your thoughts ahead of time. It may also help to address some possible solutions to the problem at hand. For example, maybe your parents could agree to cut back on spanking or try alternative types of punishment.
2
Choose a time and place to talk. You want to choose a quiet time when both of you are calm and clear-headed.^{[2]
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- Choose a time when your parent(s) aren't busy. You want to pick a time to talk when everyone is free of outside obligations. If both your parents are typically home on Tuesday evenings, this may be a great time to talk.
- Eliminate distractions. Do not talk with the television on or with your smartphones out. Let your parents know you would like to have a somewhat serious discussion and ask that they leave outside distractions behind.
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3
Express your feelings clearly. Use "I" phrasing, such as "When you spank me, I feel ____." State your feelings, without name-calling or implying that they're a bad parent. Then ask if they would be willing to talk about a change in discipline.^{[3]
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- "When you spank me, I feel humiliated and unloved. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and never come out, and it feels like you don't love me. Can we talk about figuring out a different type of fair discipline?"
- "Getting hit is terrifying to me. It makes me scared of you and makes me not want to tell you anything about my life because I'm scared you'll hit me again. This is harming our relationship."
- "You may have noticed that I'm having anxiety problems. Sometimes, I get so scared of being hit that I can't breathe or focus on doing my homework. Can we please talk about a different type of discipline that you could use for me?"
4
Listen to your parents' point of view. It's important to listen as much as you talk in the situation. You do not want your parents to feel attacked or judged. Listen to how your parents feel, and their opinions. Try to understand so your parents feel heard.^{[4]
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- Your parents may have reasons for disciplining you the way they do. They may have been spanked as children, and may feel the punishment was effective for them. This may be why your parents have adopted a pro-spanking stance in the present. They also may feel spanking has been effective throughout your childhood to improve your behavior and make you understand the consequences of your actions.
- Try to be as mature as possible. Your parents are much more likely to be impressed and receptive if they feel like you're making the effort to hear their side. For example, say something like, "I appreciate you guys wanting to make sure I grow up with good values. I understand you feel spanking helps me develop as an adult." Allowing your parents to feel heard during a discussion can help both of you move forward to find an alternative solution.
5
Suggest other forms of punishment. There are many ways your parents can discipline you nonviolently. Keep in mind your parents want to see you grow and mature as a child, and may feel spanking can help you become a better person and understand actions have consequences. In order to get your parents to ease up on the spanking, ask them if they'd be willing to try alternative forms of punishment.^{[5]
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- Verbal warnings give you a chance to stop and re-assess. Try asking your parent if they'd be willing to give you a warning first, so you can adjust your behavior.
- Natural consequences are consequences related to the mistake you made. For example, if you make a mess, you clean it up. If you hurt someone's feelings, you apologize and make amends. If you break something, you pay to replace it.
- Grounding for a weekend, a week, or more than a week can be appropriate.
- Loss of technology (smartphones, tablets, laptop for non-school activities) for a day, a weekend, or even a week is an appropriate punishment.
6
Try to maturely accept your parents' answer. Your parents may not see eye-to-eye with you on the issue of spanking. Unfortunately, your parents may firmly believe in the benefits of spanking to prevent misbehavior and teach you actions have consequences.^{[6]
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- Your parents may not agree to stop spanking completely. However, if you're mature throughout the conversation, and respectfully express your point of view, they may agree to not use spanking as a primary form of punishment.
- If your parents are strict, however, there's a chance they will not want to change their behavior. Try to accept this. In a few months, you can bring up the issue again and see if your parents have changed their minds with time.
- If your parents scream at you or like to hit you hard, or otherwise treat you really badly, then you may have to quietly end the conversation, and then find a trusted adult to talk to about how you are being treated.
7
Avoid arguing or complaining. In the event your parents stick to their spanking policy, avoid whining or complaining. If you approach the situation maturely, your parents are far more likely to take your concerns seriously. Throughout the conversation, maintain a mature tone.^{[7]
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- If your parents aren't willing to listen to reason, don't fight them. It won't change anything. Instead, end the conversation and go somewhere alone so you can handle your feelings.
- Your parents are more likely to listen if you remain calm. If you feel frustrated by something that's being said, hold in your emotions for now. Later on, you can punch your pillow or go for a long walk to get out your frustrations.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Respecting Rules and Behaving Well

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Get organized. One way to prevent spanking is by living up to your parents' expectations. Work on staying organized. This can keep you up-to-date on school assignments, as well as your household chores.^{[8]
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- Make a list of things you'll need for school and for the coming week. You can do this on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. For example, say you have a book report coming up. You'll need the book you're reading, a notebook to take notes on, and pens and pencils. You will also need supplies for the final copy, like a cover for your report.
- Do a little organizing of your room. Have a separate space for toys, DVDs, computer supplies, and so on. You can use old boxes to help you organize the important items in your home.
- You can ask your parents for a calendar in your room. You can use the calendar to mark important dates for school. Mark when tests are coming up and when assignments are due.
2
Stay focused on daily tasks. Make sure you do what's expected of you every day. If you stay on task with your chores, your parents will have fewer reasons to punish you.^{[9]
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- Try making a list of the chores you have to do each day. You may be expected to clean your room on Saturday, or to do the dishes after dinner on Friday. Meet your parent's expectations for your behavior on any given day of the week.
- Prioritize how you'll get things done. For example, plan on always doing your homework after school so you know you won't be up late working. You can also incorporate time for small breaks throughout the day to keep you from becoming fatigued. For example, after an hour of math homework, agree to give yourself 15 minutes to listen to music.
3
Make plans for yourself. If you have a big task that you need to do, like organizing your room, make a plan. If your parents see you're being responsible and taking initiative when it comes to your chores, they'll have less reason to punish you via spanking.^{[10]
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- Break big tasks into small chunks. For example, say you have to organize your room. You could break your room down into four sections and plan to tackle one section at a time, taking breaks in between.
- Making plans in regards to staying up to date on chores and other obligations can prevent disagreements between you and your parents. This can greatly cut down on the incidents of spanking.
4
Talk to your school counselor. If you tend to be an emotional person, this can cause outbursts. You may lash out when you're angry, yelling at your parents, or fighting with your siblings. These actions could result in spankings. If this is the case, try talking to your school counselor and ask for help developing healthier ways to deal with your emotions. If you can use what you learn to cut down on outbursts, this can result in less spanking.^{[11]
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Research source} Some strategies your school counselor might recommend include:
- Getting more physical exercise. When you're feeling angry or stressed, try going for a walk or a run instead of lashing out.
- Writing down your feelings. When you're feeling angry, get a pen and paper and vent in your diary rather than yelling at a family member.
- Taking a break. If you're arguing with a parent or sibling, and you begin to get hostile, take a break. Walk away from the situation and take some time to calm down. Go to your room to be alone and read a book. You can better address the issue when you are calm.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Watching for Signs of Abuse

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Recognize physical abuse. Spanking can be abusive. Your parents should not break the skin, cause bruises, or leave lasting marks. You should not have to live in fear that you will be hit if you make the slightest mistake. Learn to recognize the signs of abuse so the situation can be addressed.^{[12]
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Research source} Here are some signs that something is wrong:
- Physical abuse is any type of violence, such as hitting, kicking, pushing, or choking. These actions may or may not leave marks. (Spanking is considered a gray area, but it's considered abusive if your parents are leaving marks or causing injury in the process.)
- Verbal abuse includes name-calling, put-downs, threats, screaming, and other behaviors that scare you or make you feel awful about yourself.
- Neglect involves failing to take care of your basic needs. A parent should feed, clothe, and protect you. You should have a roof over your head, access to necessary medical care, adequate tools to stay clean, and everything that meets your basic needs.
- Sexual abuse can involve touching the genitals inappropriately (i.e., for reasons not related to medical care). It can also involve showing you pornographic imagery, taking uncensored photos or videos of you naked, or making inappropriate sexual comments about you.
- Isolation involves tactics meant to cut you off from the rest of the world. Prohibiting you from spending time with friends, taking away all internet access, grounding you for excessive periods of time, or even pulling you out of school altogether can be isolation tactics.
- Abusive parents may also corrupt, exploit, gaslight, blackmail, or humiliate you. They may deprive you of all privacy.
2
Talk to a trusted adult. If you believe you are being abused, talk about this with a trusted adult. An adult should be able to help you find the resources necessary to cope with the situation.^{[13]
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- Who you feel comfortable telling will depend on the situation. You may have another adult relative, like an aunt or uncle, you feel close to. You may also be able to talk to a teacher, guidance counselor, parent of a friend, or clergy member.
- Let the person you choose know you need to talk about something in private. Explain what has happened, and how it's making you feel. The adult should be able to assess the situation and offer you the necessary help.
- Some adults are bad listeners. If an adult is dismissive, it doesn't necessarily mean that your problem isn't real. It just may mean that they are a bad listener and that you need to find someone else.
3
Call a hotline service. You may not have an adult you feel you can trust in this situation. If you do not know a lot of adults besides your parents, call the hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD. A crisis worker will be able to help you assess the situation and get you the help you need.^{[14]
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- If you don't have a cell phone, you may have to wait until your parents are out of the house to use the phone. Make sure you choose a time when your parents will be gone for a while, as the conversation could be lengthy.