How to Get Your Guy to Communicate With You

Practice non-verbal communication. Non-verbal communication is often underrated but is just as important as verbal communication, if not more.^[7] Good body language goes beyond simple eye-contact. When you are talking with your partner, listen with your whole body. Reflect on what non-verbal cues you may be putting out there, and what you can change that can show him you are really listening.^[8]

Decide whether or not to face your guy. Men seem to prefer a side-by-side conversation position, such as standing or sitting next to each other.^[9] Therefore, it might be helpful to initiate a conversation during a walk with your guy, or while you are doing chores side-by-side.

However, if your eyes are diverted, your partner may think that you are distracted by whatever you are looking at and not fully focusing on what he is saying.^[10]

Therefore, in some situations, it might be best to face your guy, such as when you have something important that you need to discuss with him.

If you decide to face your body towards your guy, try to find a natural balance in your eye contact, too much and not enough blinking may make him nervous.

When you are the one talking, making eye contact about 1/3 of the time. When your guy is talking to you, you want to increase the eye contact to about 2/3 of the time.^[11]

For regular conversation, or if you find that eye contact makes you nervous, try 3 to 4 second spurts of eye contact.

Put everything down. If your guy is upset and needs your full attention, then it is important to stop what you are doing and just listen. Along the same lines as maintaining eye contact, remove any distractions.

If you have a phone, put it away. If you are by a computer or a TV, turn it off. Especially if it is a difficult conversation, it may be tempting to have something to distract you, but fight against it.

Even if it is uncomfortable, your guy is more likely to open up if he knows he has your undivided attention and that you are really listening.

Lean forward and uncross your arms. You can also use your body language to help make your guy feel heard when he is feeling upset. As simple as this sounds, it can make a huge difference in a conversation.

Body posture like crossed arms or leaning away, signals disagreement or distance to the other person. Instead uncross your arms and lean towards your partner which signals your interest and engagement.^[12] You can also try tilting your head while you are looking at them which can show sensitivity and engagement.

Know your communication styles. There are many theories on communication styles, so the chances are your style is likely different from that of your guy. Knowing how to communicate well with each other should start off by finding out how you are both used to communicating separately. Start by considering the following:

• We really do carry our communication styles from our childhood through our adulthood so think about how you have each grown up communicating. Was your opinion heard and respected in your family? Did you feel safe talking about your feelings? How did your family talk about unpleasant things?
• Consider what you use to communicate. Do you tend to communicate more with emotions, facts or data, analysis, or humor? Do you communicate using a linear style or more in a freeform way?^[13]
• Think about what you want and need from your communication with your partner and then talk to each other. Ask each other what you can do to make communication easier, and be ready to accept constructive criticism and make changes for the benefit of your relationship.

Set ground rules. Opening up makes everyone feel vulnerable, and when people feel vulnerable they are more likely to get defensive. Establish ground rules that you can both agree on and try to uphold them even during arguments.^[14]

• Avoid hurtful behaviors like interrupting them, telling them what you think they mean, or name-calling.^[15] Instead of interrupting or interpreting what you think he means, just ask your guy what you want to know.
• Make an agreement that you will “never go to bed angry” or a word to use if one of you needs to take a break from the conversation.

Let go of the past. It can be tempting to try and “review the play” to see what happened, but if your guy thinks its just going to be a litany of his wrongdoings, he's less likely to open up to you at the start or in the future.

Additionally, bringing up things that have happened in the past rarely helps better a relationship, but rather makes him feel like you are "keeping score."

If you find yourself using the phrase “you should have...” you are already headed down a road of blame that is not going anywhere good. Instead, try and focus on the feelings, and the underlying concerns you both have right now. Work on this by using “I” statements to communicate in a non-blaming way.

If you are insistent on looking to the past, evaluate your own behavior and see what you could have done differently and what you could change in the future.^[16]

Realize this is work. Working on communicating well in your relationship is just that, work. Take time to learn the skills and put in the practice to make it successful.^[17] Things may not change with you and your partner overnight, so have a little patience. In the meantime, there are plenty relationship and communication resources available including:

• Individual Therapy to learn your personal communication style.
• Couples Therapy to work together on your communication with the help of an objective person.
• Weekend Workshops for couples to do more intensive work with fewer distractions.
• Online Programs can accommodate busier schedules or if you'd like to work on your communication more anonymously.
• Books are available if you are self-motivated and want to learn more about helping yourself.

Give him time to process. Realize that men and women process discussions, emotions, and pretty much everything differently.^[18] He may need more time to work through things and figure out how he is feeling than you do.

Try and give him the time and space to do so. If you need to, find things to distract yourself, or use that time to collect your thoughts and examine where you are coming from.

Don't speak. Becoming a good listener can take practice and a great deal of effort. When your guy is telling you something, even if you don't agree with it and even if it makes you angry, don't interrupt him.^[19] Listen actively, meaning while he is talking to you try not to construct your counter points in your head.^[20]

• Let him get all of his thoughts and feelings out before you respond and ask him to give you the same courtesy. This opens a free flow of communication without judgment or anxiety.
• Avoid using the phrases, “Yes, but...” or “I know, but...”
• Instead find places where you can agree (without the use of “but”) by stating “I understand” or “I can see your point.”

Call a time-out. Sometimes, in a conversation, you'll be able to feel it heading south. Either you'll say something out of line or your man will. When this happens, instead of getting angry and lashing out, call a time-out.

This will help to defuse high emotions and allow you to return when you feel like you're ready to start again.^[21] You would rather take a time-out than hurl insults, blame, and foster bad feelings.

If taking a time out isn't working and you cannot seem to de-escalate the situation, consider picking another day or time to pick the conversation back up. Discuss it with your man, and agree on a time.

Get engaged with how he's feeling. Try to step outside of yourself for a little bit and consider your partner. Give your guy comforting feedback about what he's saying when he talks to you. Take the time to acknowledge his emotions, even if you don't understand them.

• If you see he is anxious or if he's showing you he's upset say, “I can see that this has you really worked up. Do you want to talk about it?” or “I would be really upset, too.”
• Phrases like, "I'm sorry this is happening to you," or “I can't imagine how that feels,” will make him feel comfortable and let him know that he has nothing to fear by confiding in you.