How to Get Your Friend to Pay More Attention to You

Last Updated: March 1, 2021 References

It really sucks when an old pal seems less interested in you than before. Your friend may have made some new friends. Or, maybe your friend is going through a life transition that is demanding all their attention. If you are trying to get your friend to pay more attention to you, there are some strategies you can try. Get your friend’s attention by engaging in a different way or giving them some space. If this doesn't work, you may need to reconsider the friendship.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Engaging with Your Friend

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Offer your helping hand, if needed. Find a way that you can make a positive contribution to your friend’s life. Doing this may help the person pay more attention to you. Create a sense of community or even family with this friend. Being able to find ways to help a friend out also establishes a relationship based on the need to give and take from the friendship instead of just taking all of the time.^{[1]
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- Offering to help a friend out in a role that establishes you as an expert can also lend to your credibility and improve the level of attention you get in the future from this friend. For example, if you are really good at math, offer to help with homework, and show your friend how useful your math skills are. Knowing that you are the best person to turn to for math help will probably increase the amount of attention you get from this friend beyond just math homework as well.
2
Shake up your usual conversations. Instead of talking about the same old things, look for some new and interesting topics to discuss with your pal. If you always talk about the same thing you make it too easy for others to ignore or even predict what you are going to say. Keep a little bit of mystery in what you talk about or parts of you that you share with friends. That way, they will be sure to listen as to not miss a thing.^{[2]
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- In the same vein, take the time to really listen to the interests of your friends so you can contribute in a meaningful way in conversations about subjects they like. Most people enjoy knowing that they are truly being heard and appreciated.
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3
Surprise him or her with something. You can surprise your friend with anything—a gift, a gathering or a lunch date out. This does not need to cost a lot of money either. The point is not to buy their affection. Instead, you are making it a point to show that your friend is special to you.^{[3]
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- A thoughtful gift can actually be free or cost very little, but still carry a lot of meaning. Show your friend you listen to what they talk about by remembering a special day or even just sending them a new song from a favorite artist. Again, it’s the thought behind the gesture not a price tag or dollar amount that matters.
4
Expect to be a priority. Act like you deserve attention and maybe your friend will pay you in kind. Make sure your friend knows you want to spend time with them. Put in the work to be a true friend and make it known that you expect that to be returned to you as well.
- Make a commitment to yourself to not settle for anything less than being a priority in your friend’s life. You have to believe you are deserving of this type of connection and love.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Occupying Your Time Elsewhere

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Spend some time apart and don’t call as often. Giving your friend some space may win you more attention in the long run. You can get to a point where you have made yourself so available that you become disposable. Maybe your friend knows you are always 100% accessible so they don't value your presence as much.^{[4]
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- If you are always sitting by the phone waiting for the friend to call, they may not feel the need to respect your time. You may need to step back from trying to spend as much time together as possible and find other activities to fill your schedule.
2
Make some other friends. If you have doubts about your friendship, make new friends to explore what types of friends work out best for you. Admit that you need attention from friends and find new friends that are willing to give you what you need. Fine tune your skills in being a good friend in return as well.
- Make space in your schedule for other friends. In addition, set boundaries about your availability to this friend so that they understand you have obligations to others. Doing this can help to make your time more valuable to this friend.
3
Get a hobby. Find something you can share with others or do on your own to fill your calendar. Sharing an interest and finding a friend who is an expert in the new hobby/activity can start a solid new friendship. Take this time to practice listening and learning as new friends talk about themselves and the interest. People like to talk about themselves and appreciate the sincere attention.^{[5]
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- It is also a good idea to find an activity that you can do alone. Not only does this allow you to foster growth in other areas of life, but it does not leave you dependent on anyone else for enjoyment.
4
Do something your friend would never do with you. This does not mean doing something dangerous or illegal; it is more like opening yourself up to a new challenge in the name of mixing things up.^{[6]
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- Challenge how your friend defines you by exploring an interest they wouldn’t expect you to do or wouldn’t want to do. Join a new club at school just for the experience and to make new friends. Keep some of your life a mystery from this friend so you pique ongoing interest.
- Keeping a little mystery in your friendship can gather a great deal of attention from a relationship that may otherwise become stale.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Reevaluating the Relationship

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Confront your friends about their lack of attention. Own your feelings and tell your friend how you are feeling as a result of not spending time together. Instead of launching into a complaint session or accusing your friends of not caring, explain to them that you have noticed you are no longer spending time together and explain how this makes you upset.^{[7]
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- Be specific about what you have noticed. For example, if you are used to eating lunch together every day and that suddenly changes, let the friend know you miss them. If the time you are missing is no longer possible, offer ways to fill the void.
- Say something like “I’ve really missed you at lunch the past couple days. I feel like I never see you. How about we make plans for the weekend?”
2
Use “I” statements to show how you feel about being ignored. Frame your concerns in a way that avoid blame and make your feelings very clear to your friend. Instead of blaming your friend for ignoring you and lashing out because they found new friends, remind them how much you value your friendship.^{[8]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
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- Instead of telling your friend how awful of a friend they are, tell them “I really miss you. It makes me sad that we aren’t spending time together like we used to.”
3
Decide if you are putting more into the relationship than your friend. Not every friendship will remain equal at all times but there should be give and take from both of you. Do you feel like you are getting your needs for friendship met? Are your needs realistic? Everyone has a need to talk about themselves. Does this occur with your friend or are the conversation topics always about them?^{[9]
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- Friendships can change over time. It is up to you to evaluate how much you should put into any given friendship over time. Just because you share a history with a friend does not mean you have to settle for a relationship that you are not happy in.
4
Weigh the pros and cons of this friendship. Make plans to resolve the current problems while still honoring the friendship. If your friendship overall is good but you have hit a bit of a rough patch lately, it is probably worth working to save the friendship. If, on the other hand, you are losing far more than you are gaining it might be time to part ways.^{[10]
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- If you do decide to step back from the friendship, this does not mean there has to be some big blow out or dramatic end to the friendship. It can be as simple as limiting the time you spend together to slowly put distance between you.

Community Q&A

Question

What if my friend starts spending time with someone else and starts being mean to me?

Community Answer

They are doing this as a weak way of telling you they want out from the relationship, so decide whether or not it's worth fighting for this friendship. If it is, tell her she is being mean and not acting like a true friend. She may just laugh it off and be even nastier, in which case, it's a waste of time. If it isn't worth fighting for, ignore her and drift away, finding others to hang out with. Some friendships just weren't made to last the distance.
Question

My friend randomly stopped talking to me today. What should I do?

Community Answer

Give it a day or two and maybe they'll come back then, it could just last a day as they might be in a bad mood. If they don't, ask them politely if you've done anything and what you can do to make it better. Don't become suddenly hostile and not talk to them back, it'll just make it worse.
Question

What can I do if someone is trying to take my friend away from me?

Community Answer

Talk to your friend about it. Say that you feel left out. Or see what the other person is doing to take your friend away and do it better than them. Although do not do anything that will damage your friendship in the future. The reason why the other person might be taking your friend away from you is that they are jealous of your friendship, so maybe try being nice to them and you could all be friends together.