How to Get Over a Guy

A guide on learning to grow and move on from a relationship that didn’t work out

Co-authored by Erika Kaplan and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: September 13, 2022 References Approved

It doesn't matter if you dumped him or if he dumped you, it still hurts. When a relationship ends, it can be tough to move on. It may not happen right away, but take these steps now to get over him faster.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Distance Yourself

1
Don't hang out with him. An unclear breakup can be messy and confusing. Make it clear that you do not want to see him anymore.
- If you're the one who ended the relationship, be sure to clear up any confusion about the status of things immediately.
  - Don't use vague phrases like "Things don't seem to be working out" or "I'm not sure this is what I want right now."
  - Be direct. If you must clarify the situation, you can't go wrong with "It's over."
2
Try not to run into him. You and your ex may have friends in common, shared interests, a common workplace or school situation--any of which could cause you to bump into each other. Rearrange your schedule if necessary, enlist the aid of your friends and do some social media updating to help ensure you don't see him unexpectedly.
- Update your Facebook page. Change your relationship status and "unfriend" your ex. Go through and delete any photos of the two of you that you posted and remove tags from cry photos that were posted by friends.
  - If your friends are firmly on your side in this break-up, ask them to "unfriend" your ex as well.
  - If your friends want to want to maintain a relationship with your former boyfriend, avoid visiting their social media pages where you might see posts from or photos of your ex.
- Change your routine. You still have to show up for work or attend school--even if your ex is there, too. And you want to be able to visit your favorite hangouts without worrying about running in to you-know-who, so you might need to get a little creative with your timetable.
  - Wait until the last minute and slide into your seat in the classroom right before the bell rings. That way, you won't risk having an unwanted conversation with your ex.
  - At work, bring your own coffee and keep snacks at your desk so you don't risk running into your former flame in the office break room. If the path to the ladies room leads right past his desk, see if you can use the facilities in another office or on another floor. If you fear an encounter at the copier, save your Xeroxing for the end of the day or enlist a sympathetic co-worker to make copies for you.
  - If you frequent the same dry cleaners, bar, library or other location as your ex-boyfriend, try going on a different day than usual or stopping in a little earlier or later than your regular time to avoid seeing him.
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3
Create some mental space. It doesn't matter how successful you are at avoiding your ex, if you keep mentally reliving every fight and every good time. Busy your brain with new activities to keep from obsessing about what was.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Erika Kaplan
Relationship Advisor
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.}
- Take up a new hobby. Always wanted to learn how to belly dance? Interested in photography? Now's the time to immerse yourself in a new activity that will keep your mind occupied and help you explore an interest and develop new skills.
- Volunteer. Search craigslist for volunteer opportunities or visit sites such as OneBrick.org, Sparked.com or Kiva.org. Or simply contact local homeless shelters, animal rescue organizations, schools or churches.
  - Not only does volunteering help others, it takes you outside of yourself and activates your brain’s reward centers. In addition, research shows that altruistic behavior makes you more attractive to new romantic partners. ^{[2]
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    Research source} That's a win-win.
- Throw away unwanted souvenirs from your relationship. Discard photos, letters he sent and gifts he gave you. If you're not sure that you're ready to let it go, stash it all in a box and out of sight.
  - If you have emails your ex sent you, delete them. If you think there might be a correspondence or two you want to save, create a folder, put all emails inside and plan to review them later.
  - If you have a piece of jewelry that may have sentimental value for your ex, ask him if he'd like to have it back. If not, then do with it as you see fit.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Address your Feelings

1
Understand the stages of grief. The end of a relationship--no matter how long it lasted--is a loss, and with loss comes grief.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Erika Kaplan
Relationship Advisor
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} Everyone grieves differently, but grief has some common elements.
- The five stages of grief introduced by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in 1969 have become a universal guideline for what someone experiencing a loss can expect to go through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
  - You won't necessarily go through all of these stages in your journey toward healing and even if you do, you may not go through them in order. Still, it's good to know what you might expect and understand that what you're feeling is perfectly normal.
  - Depending on the circumstances of your breakup, you may also feel sadness, loneliness, regret, anxiety, guilt, insecurity or a variety of other negative emotions.
  - You may also experience physical symptoms of grief. Headaches, nausea, insomnia, loss of appetite, weight gain, aches, pains and fatigue are not uncommon for someone going through a breakup.
2
Let it out. Keeping your emotions bottled up can prolong the pain you feel. This is the time to reach out to friends and family members who are good listeners. Or if you're not much of a talker, you can share your thoughts in a journal or blog.
- Talk to someone you trust. Turn to your mom, your grandma, your aunt, even your cousin or best friend. Sharing your feelings and knowing that someone else understands what you're going through can ease the burden of your grief.
- Have an imaginary conversation with your ex. One study showed that people who had imaginary conversations and then said goodbye to their partner had more relief from grief than those who didn't. ^{[4]
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  Research source}
- Write a letter to your ex--but don't send it. Rather than fuming about what you should have said and what you'd say now if you ran into your ex, commit those thoughts and feelings to paper. Don't worry about being terribly coherent, and good grammar and spelling certainly don't count here. The idea is to get the anger, sadness, resentment and whatever other emotions out of your system and onto paper.
3
Curse if you want to. It turns out that using bad language may benefit you by reducing your pain. A study published in NeuroReport showed a link between cursing and pain reduction. ^{[5]
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Research source}
4
Tap into your spiritual side. Whatever form it may take, turning to a spiritual practice can help you find peace in the midst of the turmoil caused by a breakup.
- In a grief study reported in the British Medical Journal, researchers found that people who have strong spiritual beliefs seem to resolve grief more rapidly and completely than those with no beliefs.^{[6]
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  Research source}
- Try meditation. Every major world religion has some form of contemplative practice with a meditative component,^{[7]
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  Research source} so choose the one that suits you best. These include yoga, Tai chi, prayer, Qigong and transcendental meditation to name a few.
5
See a professional if you're unable to make an emotional recovery. Women who hadn't gotten over a relationship by 16 weeks after a breakup had decreased brain activity in the regions associated with emotion, motivation and attention. In other words, their brains physically changed, which explains the inability to concentrate and to get up and go. Do not let yourself go this length of time without intervention. ^{[8]
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Research source}

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Move On

1
Spend time with friends. Your friends will be there for you no matter what your relationship status, and it's good to take some time to appreciate them and reconnect. Make a plan to have lunch, go to a club, hit the mall--whatever you enjoy.
2
Create an uplifting playlist. Listening to music causes your brain to release dopamine--a feel-good chemical. Put together a playlist of songs that inspire you, make you smile and cause you to get up and dance.
- Choose songs with a message of empowerment. Cosmopolitan Magazine listed these tunes on a list of songs that can help you get over a breakup. ^{[9]
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  Research source}
  - "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson
  - "Forget You," Cee Lo Green
  - "Single Ladies," Beyonce
  - "So What," Pink
  - "Stronger," Brittany Spears
- Sing it loud, sing it proud. For an extra bump of energy and positivity, sing along with your music. If your ex ever told you that you couldn't sing, sing louder! and try not to sing ones that remind you of love.
3
Adopt a pet. The benefits of pet ownership are well documented. Having a furry friend to care for increases feelings of well-being, decreases loneliness, reduces pain, improves physical fitness, adds to self-esteem and can combat depression.
- Walking a dog is a great way to get exercise and to meet new people. Creating new friendships with other dog owners can help increase your social circle and strengthen your support system.
- Pets offer unconditional love. You won't stress so much about finding the guy that will give you that kind of absolute affection if you're already getting it from your four-legged friend.
4
Get in shape. If you've been too bummed out to go to the gym or put your plans for training for the marathon on hold, now's the time to get back to it. Like music, exercise releases pleasurable chemicals in the brain, so you'll not only look good, you'll feel better, too.
- Exercise can improve your sleep, increase your energy and boost your confidence--areas of your life that may have taken a hit after your breakup.
- If you overindulged your craving for comfort foods after your breakup, you may have put on a pound or two. Exercise can help you take off the extra weight.
5
Spend time on your appearance. You don't have to do a full-blown makeover (although you could), but making sure you look your best will help you feel better and make you more appealing to the opposite sex.
- Page through fashion magazines and websites for inspiration for a new look. It's not just you who craves a change after parting with a boyfriend, you'll see plenty of celebrity "before" and "after" photos documenting post-breakup makeovers.
- Consider a small change like getting highlights or switching to a new color of lip gloss. A fresh appearance helps support your fresh, new approach to your life and if he/she dumped you with your new appearance you'll show him what he can't have.
6
Stay open to new possibilities.^{[10]
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Expert Source

Erika Kaplan
Relationship Advisor
Expert Interview. 1 October 2020.} You may not yet be ready to date, but that doesn't mean you have to avoid guys entirely. Go somewhere you can practice your flirting or at least scope out cuties of the opposite sex.
- If you see someone you're attracted to, make eye contact and smile. Remember, a cup of coffee or a conversation isn't a commitment.
- If you do meet someone you like, stay away from giving them the lowdown on your breakup and a list of your ex's faults and failings. A potential new guy doesn't want to hear about the old guy so soon and definitely not in negative terms. Talking bad about your ex is a turn-off.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How do you move on when you still love your ex?

Erika Kaplan
Dating Coach
Erika Kaplan is a Dating Coach and Matchmaker for Three Day Rule, an exclusive matchmaking company across nine cities in the United States. With over six years of experience, Erika specializes in helping singles find quality matches through date coaching and premium matchmaking services. Erika graduated from Penn State with a Bachelor’s degree in Public Relations. She worked for Rolling Stone, Us Weekly, and Men’s Journal before leaving publishing to pursue her passion for connecting people. Erika has been featured on Lifetime, the Philadelphia Inquirer, and CBS as well as in Thrillist, Elite Daily, Men’s Health, Fast Company, and Refinery29.

Erika Kaplan

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

You have to just accept that you have feelings for a former person in your life, and that's okay. It's okay to love different people for different reasons. It's really just a matter of feeling healed enough where you can allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone else. A relationship with a new person may be very different from your former relationship with your ex. You may feel feelings for your ex, because frankly, they were a part of your life for a long time.

Warnings

Do not let anger and sadness crowd over your emotions and feelings. You will lose friends and you don't want that to happen.

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Don't go all over school telling everyone. Don't say you're sad on your Myspace or Facebook, But don't say that you are content and happy, you don't want him thinking you never cared at all, guys still have feelings, just avoid posting anything to do with him.

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