How to Get Along With Everyone

Be cheerful. Entering conversations with a good attitude will lead to more positive interactions with others and make it easier to get along. Smile and talk about positive things to the extent that you are able.^[6]

• You don't need to fake happiness if your best friend has just died, but generally, try not to burden others with your problems, especially minor gripes.
• For example, if someone asks how you are, and you've just gotten in from a long, difficult commute, try to think of something good that happened that day that you can tell him or her about rather than immediately expressing your frustration with rush hour traffic.

Take an interest in other people. Don't just talk about yourself when interacting with others. Find something genuinely interesting about what they have to say, and ask questions about them. Try open-ended questions that start with “what” and “how” to really get a conversation going.^[7]

• This will make other people feel more important and valued by you.^[8]
• Be a good listener. People want to feel that what they have to say is heard by others. This will make people enjoy talking to you more and reduce conflict in your day-to-day conversations.^[9]

Be kind and considerate. Be careful of other people's feelings when talking to them. Avoid unnecessary criticisms or mean-spirited jokes that might make others feel bad.^[10]

• Compliment others, especially at the start of a conversation. Starting a conversation off with some sincere flattery will get things off on the right foot.^[11]

Match the pace of others. Each person walks, talks, and generally moves through life at a different pace than others. It's easy to feel like your own pace is the "natural" one, but try to match the pace of other people. ^[12]

• If someone talks slowly and quietly, avoid talking to him loudly and at a rapid pace. This will make it more enjoyable and comfortable for the other person to talk to you.

Focus on your similarities. It's important to respect people's differences, but it's also good to focus on what you have in common with others.^[13] This will make conversation smoother and easier for both of you.

• This works at both the individual and cultural level. Whether someone comes form a completely different culture or just has a very different personality from yours, looking for similarities is a good way to bridge the gap.
• If, for example, you meet someone with conflicting political or religious beliefs, but find you both like baseball or dogs, focus the conversation on baseball and dogs, at least until you get to know the other person better.

Don't make promises you can't keep. Making promises you can't live up to is a good way to create resentment with people. It can be difficult to say no to people, especially when you want to get along with everyone and may whole-heartedly want to say yes to everything, but there are ways to say no without being mean. This is part of communicating assertively.^[14]

• Promising to do something you really don't want to do or don't have time for can build resentment. If you end up not following through or doing a bad job, the other person may not trust you or have his own resentments, too. If you can't or don't want to do something, it's better to just say no.
• When you say no you are not rejecting someone — you are simply refusing a request.
• You can say no directly, without excuses or explanation — "No, I can't do that." Or try saying no while acknowledging the sentiment behind the request, such as: "I know you really want to go for a hike this afternoon, but I can't today."
• If you have to say no to something you want to do, but simply don't have time for right now, you might follow up with something like, "I can't hike today, but is there another time you'd like to go?"

Keep it short. Some people are a lot harder to get along with than others, and one of the best ways to get along with difficult people is to not spend any more time with them than necessary.^[15] The less time you spend with someone you don't really like, the less likely you are to have a conflict.

• Have an exit strategy when you know you'll be spending time with someone you find hard to get along with. This could be making plans to be somewhere else, or just excusing yourself for unspecified reasons.^[16]
• It's also good to have practiced responses for politely limiting conversation with someone who talks too much and you find unpleasant. For example, if you have to deal with someone who offers lengthy and unsolicited advice, you could cut off a rant by saying "Thanks! I hadn't thought of that!" For someone who brags a lot, you can look for a place to say, "That's great, I'm really happy for you," then exit the conversation.^[17]

Keep your cool. However frustrating someone may get in your interactions with them, to get along, try to avoid getting angry.^[18]

• Take some deep breaths, count to ten in your head, whatever you need to do. Just try to stay calm and avoid things turning into a fight.

Avoid arguments and difficult topics. If there are topics you know will lead to conflict with someone, try to avoid them. If you and your brother-in-law always fight about politics, don't bring up the election! Do your best to steer the conversation away from such topics.^[19]

• Likewise, if one of these topics does come up, avoid being sucked into an argument. Don't try to to defend your position or justify yourself, just say something like: "Well, you know we don't feel the same about that issue," and then try to move the conversation on to something else. You can even say "Let's talk about something else."^[20]

Listen mindfully. When someone is talking to you, don't spend that time judging what she is saying or thinking of your defense — try to be present, listening to what the person is actually saying.^[21] At the same time, try to keep in mind that what the person is saying is a reflection of her perspective — her experience of life, which may be very different from yours. Her points of view don't necessarily make her a bad person, even if you disagree with them. Most people have reasons for thinking the way they do, and immediately becoming judgmental and defensive will keep you from learning why she thinks that way.

• When the person is done speaking, respond in an appropriate and kind way. Instead of saying, "I can't believe you think that. What is wrong with you?", you might say, "I've had a very different experience with that. Can I tell you about it?", or, "I'm interested to know what makes you think that."

Accept criticism. If someone you find difficult is critical of you, try to treat this criticism as simple information. It is information you can choose to use or not use, depending on whether you think it has any merit.^[22]

• Try not to take criticism personally. It is as much a reflection of the viewpoint of the other person as it is anything to do with you.

Be measured in your criticism of others. Sometimes, especially in professional situations, it's not possible to avoid conflict. Sometimes it is necessary to criticize others, if, for example, you supervise them at work. Make your criticisms tactfully to avoid personal offense.

• Focus on the behavior, not the person. Rather than attacking someone's personal characteristics, critique what he is doing that you don't like. This can minimize the risk of hurt feelings or conflict.^[23] For example, don't say "You are bad at planning ahead." Instead say: "I wish you'd try to think ahead more when we have major deadlines coming up."
• Point to specific, concrete improvements you would like to see, or specific things that are bothering you.^[24] For example, you could tell a coworker: "It was really hard for me in the meeting last week when you didn't have the reports ready that you had promised. In the future, if there's a problem, let me know in advance and I can help you get them ready."
• Try the "compliment sandwich." Start by talking about one of the person's strengths, then deliver the criticism, then conclude with another positive statement.

Keep it logical. When you have to interact with difficult people, do your best to keep it fact-based.^[25] This will make it less likely that you'll get emotional and will make it harder for an argument to start.