How to Escape the Friend Zone

Co-authored by Christina Jay, NLP and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: February 8, 2022 References

It's a pretty common story—you find yourself developing feelings for a friend, but you’re not sure how to proceed. Worst of all, your crush has no idea you feel that way, or they’re content to continue thinking of you as just a friend. You’ve entered the dreaded “friend zone.” Many relationships started out as friendships, so don't give up hope just yet. However, every situation is different, so spend some time evaluating where you stand before you make a move.

Method 1

Method 1 of 4:

Understanding Your Feelings

1
Ask yourself whether you would normally date this person. Before you decide to risk changing your friendship for a crush, pay attention to whether your friend is really a good fit for you. Sometimes, you might find yourself crushing on someone because you're around them a lot. That's totally normal, but it doesn't always mean you're a good match. Try asking yourself questions like:^{[1]
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- Do we share the same values?
- Is this the type of person I would normally have feelings for?
- Are they in a good place to start a serious relationship?
- Do I think they would be a good partner for the right person?
- Are there any issues that might make the relationship difficult down the road?
2
Accept that your friendship will change in unpredictable ways. Telling your friend that you have a crush on them is guaranteed to impact your relationship somehow. If they return your feelings, you'll likely begin a romantic relationship, and there's no way to know ahead of time how that will turn out. If they don't return your feelings, the relationship could become a little awkward, at least for a while. Be sure you understand and accept that before you decide to bring up your feelings.^{[2]
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- If your crush is so strong that it's hard for you to be "just friends," it's probably worth telling the other person how you feel. Those feelings will probably come out eventually anyway.
- If you're just starting to feel a spark of attraction towards your friend, you might consider waiting a while to see if those feelings develop more or if it's a temporary thing.
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3
Don't obsess over every little sign your crush likes you. It can be tempting to try to find clues in everything your crush does, from the way they stand to how often they look in your eyes. However, no two people are alike. Some people are naturally flirtatious, even with their friends, while other people are very reserved, and won't give you many signs even if they like you a lot. It's fine to use the person's behavior to try to get a read on whether they're open to the idea of dating you, but don't spend too much time thinking about it.
- This doesn't mean you have to ignore obvious signs. For instance, if your friend regularly describes you as being like their sibling, it could be a clue they're not interested. If they're very affectionate or flirtatious around you, but not other people, it could mean they like you.
- Consider asking your mutual friends what your crush thinks of you. They might be able to help you decide whether you should tell your crush you like them.
4
Sit back for a while if you're on the fence. Don't be in too much of a rush to change your friendship. While you don't want to drag your feet forever, it's also a bad idea to charge ahead if you're not sure the timing is right or if you're still working out exactly how you feel. Focus on your friendship—if those feelings are real, they probably won't go away just because you spent a little extra time reflecting.^{[3]
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- If your feelings are really strong but you're still not sure about telling your crush, consider spending a little less time around them for a while. That can help you clarify your feelings, and if your friend has a chance to miss you, it might make them realize they have romantic feelings for you.
- If your friend is in a relationship or there are other reasons you don't think you could be together right now, consider dating other people for a while. However, don’t pretend to like someone else just to make your friend jealous.
- Don't try to bury your feelings for too long—that can lead to built-up frustration or even resentment, and it will be tempting to only see the best in your crush instead of seeing them as a whole person. Just take your time figuring out how you feel before you move forward, since the stakes are higher with an existing friendship.^{[4]
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5
Be honest with yourself about the kind of relationship you want. Ask yourself whether you're really looking for a long-term relationship, or if you're just more interested in having a good time with someone for a while. If you're not really sure you're ready to settle down, your friend might not be the best person to turn to for company. A quick fling can be fun, but you could lose a lifelong friend in return.^{[5]
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- Similarly, if you think you're ready to settle down but you know your friend isn't ready to think long-term, it might not be the best timing to move things to the next level.
- Hooking up does not necessarily mean leaving the friend zone. If anything, it could just make things more confusing for both of you.

Method 2

Method 2 of 4:

Flirting with Your Friend

1
Spend more one-on-one time together. If you normally hang out as part of a group, try to come up with ideas of things the two of you can do on your own. It doesn't necessarily have to be a formal date, at first, but spending time alone together can help your friend see you in a more romantic way. In addition, the more time you spend one-on-one, the more of your true feelings you’ll be able to show them.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Christina Jay, NLP
Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
- For instance, you might invite your friend to do things you know they enjoy, like attending a concert, going on a hike, or playing a sport together.
- You could also casually invite them to go with you when you're running errands, getting a bite to eat, or going shopping.
2
Let your eye contact linger a little more than usual. It can feel a little awkward to start flirting with someone who's been a platonic friend. One simple way to ease into it is with eye contact. When you and your crush share a glance, smile a little, then hold their gaze about 2 or 3 longer than you normally would—any longer, and it might look like creepy staring. Then, look away, still smiling.^{[7]
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- This can make your friend feel like the two of you share a secret, so they might feel closer to you.
3
Break the touch barrier. Small, physical gestures can be very flirtatious, so try being more hands-on with your crush—as long as they seem comfortable with it, of course. Start small, like touching their hand when you're talking, hugging them when you see them, or leaning against their shoulder when you're standing next to each other. If they seem relaxed or return the affection, you can slowly build up from there.^{[8]
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- Increase physical contact with your friend slowly, and be respectful. If they tense up, frown, or move away from you when you touch them, stop what you're doing and consider apologizing for making them uncomfortable.
4
Give your crush sincere compliments. Compliments are a great way to make someone else feel good while letting them know how you feel. Try to compliment your crush on things that are unique to them—bonus points if you're complimenting their personality or style, rather than or something physical they don't have any control over.^{[9]
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- For instance, instead of saying, "You have gorgeous eyes," you might say, "I love how you light up every time you see a cute animal!" or "I love the way you always make me laugh when I'm around you!"
5
Pay attention to your friend's reactions when you flirt. Watch your friend for clues that will tell you whether they're open to your flirtatious attention. If they're relaxed, smiling, blushing, leaning into you, and making eye contact, they might have a crush on you, too! If that's the case, feel free to keep flirting with them and just see how things go.^{[10]
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- If they seem tense, uncomfortable, or upset, they might not see you in a romantic way, and it's probably better to back way off. Other signs they're not interested might be if they frequently talk about liking other people, or if they try to avoid any romantic talk altogether.^{[11]
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- If they seem a little unsure about how to act, they may just need some time to adjust to the idea, or they may be too polite to let you down. Take some time to read the situation before you proceed.

Method 3

Method 3 of 4:

Showing You're Dating Material

1
Start small and work your way up. Don’t expect your friendship to turn into a passionate romance overnight. Give the other person time to get comfortable with the idea. Go on a few casual non-dates at first, then ask for a more formal date when the time is right. Let your gestures gradually become more flirty and playful, and move up to more obvious affection later on if it feels right. If you push too much right away, you might just end up scaring them off. ^{[12]
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- Learn to read your friend’s behavior. If they respond well to lighthearted flirting, it could be a good sign. If they tend to shut down or change the subject when you show affection, then they probably aren’t interested in you in that way, and it's time to find a new crush.
- However, don't be too subtle—part of the reason a lot of people end up in the friend zone is that they don't make it clear enough that they're interested in the other person.^{[13]
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2
Build yourself up to seem more confident. When you're friends with someone, it's easy to slip into self-deprecating, goofy humor where you put yourself down for a laugh. However, if you do that too often, it can make you seem insecure—not necessarily the best foundation for creating a romantic relationship. Instead, try to talk about yourself in a positive light, and your crush may be more likely to see you that way, too.^{[14]
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- For instance, don't say things like, "Nobody ever wants to date me" or, "I'll be alone forever." Instead, try saying things like, "I know there's someone out there who's going to love me for exactly who I am!"
- It's fine to laugh with your crush! In fact, it's ideal. Just try to remember not to make yourself the butt of the joke too often.
- If you're having trouble seeing what's good about yourself, it might be time to step back from the idea of dating someone for right now. Instead, spend some time figuring out what it means for you to live your best life. It's hard to have a healthy relationship if you don't understand your own worth.
3
Ask them for their help with things. Believe it or not, your crush might actually be more inclined to like you if you give them a chance to help you out. Ask them for little favors when you get a chance, like giving you a ride somewhere, loaning you a pencil in class, or helping you with a project.^{[15]
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- You might feel like you can impress your crush by constantly doing favors for them, but unfortunately, this can sometimes actually have the opposite effect. Be there for them when they need you, but try to wait until they ask rather than rushing to offer help. If you're too available, your crush may be less likely to see you as a love interest.
4
Give your friend space sometimes. While you might want to spend every waking moment around your crush, too much attention can sometimes start to make the other person feel claustrophobic. Spend some time doing things without your crush—remember, even once you're in a relationship, it's healthy to make time for your own hobbies and interests.^{[16]
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- Even better, this might give your crush a chance to realize how much they miss you when you aren't around.

Method 4

Method 4 of 4:

Transitioning into a Relationship

1
Make sure the time is right before you share your feelings. When you feel like you're ready to let your crush know that you like them, try to find a quiet moment when the two of you are alone. Consider other situational details, as well—if your friend is going through a stressful time in their life or just got out of a long-term relationship, it may not be the right time to share your feelings with them.^{[17]
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- If there are other people around, your friend might be too embarrassed to be honest with you about how the feel.
2
Be upfront about your feelings. Tell your friend that you have something you need to tell them, then explain what you want to say in a simple, heartfelt way. Then, give the other person a chance to respond if they'd like.^{[18]
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- Try saying something like, "I'm nervous about telling you this but I really like you," or "We've spent so much time together and I like being around you. I have feelings for you and I just needed to tell you that."
- Don't turn the conversation into a long, dramatic monologue about how your life will only be complete if they're your partner. Just let them know you're interested, simply and directly.
- Avoid opening up when you're not sober. While it may give you a sense of "courage" to be super confident, neither of you can trust what is said when you're either drunk or high––and it can complicate things quickly.^{[19]
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3
Accept rejection gracefully if they say no. Unfortunately, sometimes in life you'll be turned down. Remember, this isn't a reflection on your worth as a person—it just means your crush doesn't see the two of you as a match. Smile and say something like, "That's okay, I just wanted to tell you," then leave it at that. Don't pressure them to try to change their mind—they've given you your answer, and it's important to respect that.^{[20]
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- If you're able to set your feelings aside, you may be able to go back to enjoying a friendship with this person. However, don't do it just to stay close to them if you're hoping they'll change their mind. This will just prolong the feeling of heartbreak.
- Spend some time around your loved ones for support to help keep your spirits high. You might also find it helpful to write down your feelings in a journal, or you might prefer staying busy with exercise or a favorite hobby to keep your mind off of things.
- Remember to be proud of yourself for giving it a shot. That took a lot of courage! Even being rejected is better than spending your whole life wondering, "What if?"
4
Ask them out if they seem receptive to the idea. Once you've confessed your feelings, don't leave it open-ended—unless they turn you down right away, make it clear that you'd like to ask them on a date or that you want to be in a relationship with them. However, don't pressure the person to answer right away—let them know that it's okay if they need a little time to think about it first.^{[21]
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- For instance, you might say something like, "I think you're amazing and special, and I really want you to be my girlfriend."
5
Set new boundaries together if you start dating. If your crush is open to exploring things further, then congratulations! However, it won't necessarily be smooth sailing just because you got that part over with. As friends, certain things might have been acceptable that won't fit into a romantic relationship. Take your time negotiating these together—let them know what you are and aren't okay with, but also be a good listener when they have something to add.^{[22]
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- For instance, you might discuss how often the two of you will talk, how you'll prioritize spending your free time together, and what is and isn't okay to talk to mutual friends about.
- Be flexible―these boundaries may change as your relationship deepens. This is absolutely natural and normal, and it's important to talk honestly about what is and isn't working for you both.
- Don't worry if things are a little awkward at first. Just learn to laugh together as you get used to the changes in your relationship.^{[23]
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6
Don’t involve your mutual friends in your problems. If you have friends in common, it might be tempting to run to them whenever you and your new partner argue or disagree. However, it's not fair to your friends to use them as a sounding board—it can put them in a really awkward position, and it could do damage to your friendships and your relationship.
- If you're having serious problems in your relationship, it's okay to talk to someone else. However, it might be best to choose someone who isn't a mutual friend—instead, you might choose one of your close family members or someone who's been a mentor to you.

Community Q&A

Question

My crush knows that I like her and I know she doesn't like me the same way. I'm in the friend zone. What do I do?

Community Answer

It sounds like you’ve done all that you can do. You were brave enough to let her know how you feel and she was brave by sharing her feelings honestly with you as well. You can’t make someone feel something for you or anyone else. Your job now is to focus on your friendship if you think you can still maintain it, focus on loving yourself, and look for other potential mates who are interested in you for you.
Question

I've told the girl I like that I like her and she said she's straight, I'm trying to go back to being friends but I feel as if she's cutting all the connections she has with me. Does this mean I was too forward?

Community Answer

No way! You were honest and authentic which is the most anyone can ever want to be. You were brave in letting her know how you feel, but it stinks that she doesn’t feel the same way. It sounds as if she’s scared or having a hard time knowing what to do after learning how you felt. You can always let her know that you’d still like to be friends and that you’re totally clear on what the boundaries are now and won’t try to pursue anything more than friendship with her. This might help her to feel more comfortable and let down her guard in order to maintain the friendship. But it might not. If it doesn’t, then it’s time to take your brave-self and seek out other friends or other potential romantic relationships where you can be honest and open and receive acceptance in return.
Question

This girl I like she says that we are just friends and yet when we're together, we cuddle and kiss. But I'm still in the friend zone - what do I do?

Community Answer

This is a warning that your friend isn't taking you seriously and is possibly using you. The next guy she really fancies who comes along may cause her to leave your side for good. Determine the boundaries with her by asking where the two of you stand and if it's not clear, end the relationship unless she can clearly state how she feels about you.

Warnings

Cut off your attempts at physical affection if it makes your friend uncomfortable. They may be too polite to say anything at first, but the last thing you want is to alienate someone close to you.

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